49
Another weekend done and dusted with the Eagles winning and the Dockers back to normal
Looking forward to the Western Derby next weekend as these are always fiery games
Still getting some rainfall

Jessica the Hippo
This was sent by Peter Arthur [Queensland] to Glynis Geen who forwarded it on
Thanks Peter
If you ever wanted a hippo for a pet then here are a few tips

THEME PARTY
One weekend, there was a costume party at a mental hospital, and the theme of the party was "war".
The first patient comes up onto the stage and says, "I am an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I am a hydrogen bomb." Again, there is a round of applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody in the audience runs away hysterically.
When one of the mental patients was asked why they all ran away, he replied, "Didn't you see how short his fuse was?"
[Thanks Miss Cellania]

Some computer cartoons

Have posted this before, but its worth a repeat
RETIREMENT BONUS
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and non coms

and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement

a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line

between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured

from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter

and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,

when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

"From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,

explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him

providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie

and began to work back.

Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed,

"Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied,

"Vietnam."

------------

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English colonel.
They took him to their headquarters,

and the French general began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked,

“Why do you English officers all wear red coats?

Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?”
In his bland English way, the officer informed the general

that the reason English officers wear red coats is if they are shot

the blood won’t show, and the men they are leading won’t panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all Australian Army officers wear brown pants.

-------------

Two robins were sitting on a branch high in a tree.

One looked down and saw a field full of worms.

Turning to the second bird he said,

"We ought to go down there and eat."
"Good idea," said his friend.
The two of them flew down to the field and ate their fill and then some.

When he could eat no more one said to the other,

"You know, we ought to stop eating and fly back to our branch."
Rubbing his belly the second responded, "Yep."
With that they tried to fly to their branch in the tree,

but they had eaten too much to get off the ground.

The second one said, "Maybe we should just stay here and relax in the sun."

Before long the two birds slept, basking in the afternoon sun.
As they slept, a cat happened upon the field.

Seeing the birds, sleeping,

and since they were totally oblivious to his presence, the cat pounced.

As feathers settled around him, the cat rubbed his belly,

and said, "There is nothing better than baskin robbins."

Crank up your volume for this sixties classic

Do Wah Diddy "Manfred Mann"







A bear funny

Post a comment below

48
Its cold and wet here in the west [in Perth ] not so much in the regional areas
Heavy rain is forecast for tomorrow
Only 15 days before I head off to sunny North Queensland
Have a great weekend and hopefully your footy team wins
or whatever sport you follow



Some Aussie humour to kickstart your weekend
BEAUTY and the BLOKE




The Tides Out



I'm going to make an assumption here that the Australian girl Schapelle Corby
who was convicted on a drugs charge
in Bali in 2005 made it into the world news.
Briefly the then 28 year old Schapelle was convicted of
importing 4.1 kgs of cannabis into Indonesia in her surfboard bag,
she has steadfastly denied thischarge claiming
that baggage handlers at Sydney airport must have tamperedwith her board bag.
Despite these claims she was convicted and sentenced to 20 years in prison.
she is currently serving this sentence at the notorious Kertokakam Prison inBali.
She lost an appeal to have her sentence reduced or quashed in 2006,
this has led to the internet appearance of "CONVICTION" perfume.


[Borrowed from Holties House]




THE POWER OF MONEY


that reminds me, I must buy a lotto ticket

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,

understanding, economical,

and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.

How can you possibly not love the Irish?

These were actual "Personal Ads" in the Dublin News:

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area.

Seeks gorgeous sex addict who is interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man,

lately rejected by longtime fiance, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops

seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes . . . maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon,

seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes,

seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35,

seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed super model, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

-------------------

Two law partners hire a new cute young secretary,

and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first,

even though they're both already married.

Eventually one of them scores with her,

and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.
"So what did you think?" asks the partner.
"Ahh," replies the first lawyer,

"my wife is better."
Some time goes by,

and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary.

"So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?"
The second guy replies, "You're right."

-------------

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his soon-to-be ex-wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney,

"the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified.

"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued,

"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making

when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,

'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful

everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend.

Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.

He came back to the office contented and relieved.

His co-worker asked him how it went.

"Look," said George.

"Don't start such terrible rumors!

That guy isn't my best friend...I don't even know him."

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....

For centuries,

Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion,

but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married,

she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night,

the husband scratches off the dot to see whether

he has won a convenience store,

a service station,

a doughnut shop or a motel in Australia.

If nothing is there,

he must take a job in India answering telephones

Giving technical advice to either Telstra, Optus or Citibank.
[thanks Glynis Geen]

Roy Orbison "Leah"

Post a comment

Would like to hear from you

Take care

Phil

47

Weekend over and its back to work tomorrow

After two dismal weekends of footy the Eagles and the Dockers

found some form.

What a game from Ben Cousins and what a game by the Dockers

[maybe they should change their coach every week]

This is hilarious

Face Dance - video powered by Metacafe

Seniors

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy ,rainy day

The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted

her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband.

When the graveside service had no more than terminated,

there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied

by a distant lightining bolt and more thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmy said

"Well, she's there"

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,

he looked up and said,"Grandma,

how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.

I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring,

so he hurried to open the door,and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said,
"Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The Minister fainted [lifted from Miis Cellania]

-------------------------

Lost on a rainy night, a traveler stumbles across a monastery

and requests shelter there.
Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner,

and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by the two Brothers who were the monastery cooks.
"Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for such a wonderful dinner.

The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted.

Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be ...?"
.
.
.
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

---------------

During a recent publicity outing,

Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,

the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt:

Prepare yourself to be a widow.

Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face,

then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze,

steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"

CHINA .......... has its polltion problems as well

Guangzhou: Illegal motorbikes confiscated by police in an effort

to curb air pollution await destruction at a recycling company".

"Lanzhou, Gansu province:

A resident takes a water sample from the polluted Yellow river".

"Wuhan, Hebei province: A man collects dead fish in Donghu lake,

where officials say an estimated 30,000kg of fish have been killed

by a combination of pollution and hot weather".






ARE YOU MY DADDY?

The Oak Ridge Boys.....Elvira

Click on comments below

46

Thursday night here in the west

21mm of rain today.Fantastic and reports of it reaching the wheatbelt

Another interesting weekend of footy coming up

The Dockers have a new coach after Chris Connolly was pushed, sacked or resigned

and Ben Cousins looks set to play his first game after kicking his drug habit??

This post will have a MEN flavour so to start here is a funny banned commercial

Banned Comercial "Men in Toilet"

Cow protest

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS…
Which one would you rather have?
PARKINSONS of course!
Better to spill half your drink than forget where the heck you put it!

GOLF

More Golf

More pee-ing At the Tour de France

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question

and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.

The first Friday the question was,

"How many gallons of water is there in the whole world."

No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.

Next Friday, the question was,

"How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."

No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.

By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because

he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.

So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday

right before the teacher asked the question

he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her.

She said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?"

Little Johnny said,

"Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday."

MEN




"I know I'm really good in bed
because women always ask me

if there's any possible way

I could make it last longer. "

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone,

come in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely

. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age,

but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said.

"But, it has my husband pretty upset."

As long as I have legs to walk on you'll never have to

take out the garbage

I like to get to these things before I have to be asked

Even men Bears like creature comforts

Carn you blokes, I'll take you for a spin

"Getting Even"

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight.

Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.

He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said,

"OK, but don't forget to wash her because she stinks."

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me)

who wanted the dirty cat, Not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye-to-eye.

The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O',

and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,

with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,

who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office were full of people

waiting to see the Doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in

- he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,

"Your wife's pussy doesn't stink anymore

and it's finally clean and shaved,

so she now smells like a rose.

Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.

God only knows who the Father is!"

Then he closed the door.

That, my friends, is getting even.

The forever delightful Judith Durham

"Time and Again"

Iknow my good friend Madeleine will love this [Hi Madeleine]

The two most common elements in the universe

are hydrogen and stupidity

But not in that order

45

Another weekend dead and buried

Both WA teams in the AFL lost for the second week in row

The wheels have fallen off the Eagles bandwagon

and the Dockers season is almost gone

[and v2 [Stevie boy] the Pies lost as well

On a brighter note something to make you laugh

BOYS WILL BE BOYS

Old Bob isIn The Hospital
Bob was an old man.
He was sick and in the hospital.
There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
"And how are we doing this morning", or
"Are we ready for a bath",
or "Are we hungry?"
Old Bob had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, at breakfast,
Old Bob took the apple juice off the
tray and put it in his bed side stand.
Later, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
So.....you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the
urine bottle and looked at it.
"My, it seems we are a little cloudy today "
He popped off the top, and drank it down, saying,
"Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted!
Old Bob just smiled!





Go on Charlie Grab them

New Zealand navy

A happily married man had only one complaint,

his wife was always nursing sick birds.

One November evening,

he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair.

On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin

while in the kitchen his wife was comforting

a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife

was toweling down the cold little bird.

"I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse.

"Please Dear," she said,

"Not in front of the chilled wren."

Census taker: How many children do you have?

Woman: Four.

Census taker: May I have their names, please?

Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.

Census taker: Okay, that's fine.

But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?

Woman: Because we didn't want any Mo.


This cartoon cracks me up every time

There is something wrong with this picture

if you said the penguin then you were correct

What am I supposed to do with this?"

grumbled a motorist as the policeman

handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said,

"when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Remember when your mother told you to

never take lollies from a stranger

This is who she was talking about [thanks Jim King]

"I'm in love with my horse,"

the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled.

"Many people are fond of animals.

As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog

that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient,

"I feel ummm,... *physically* attracted to my horse!"
"Hmmm," the doctor asked,

"Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied.

"What do you think I am...GAY?"



A gay horse

This is the advert that got past Coles proof readers

[with the fly onthe cup cake]

Maybe new owners Wesfarmers can get a better quality fly

Carn you blokes I'll take you for a spin

The Legendary Fats Domino

"Blueberry Hill"

44

its almost the weekend again and time for more footy

Some of us have to work

Not to worry it will soon be holiday time [28days to go]

BANNED BEER COMMERCIAL

He drives me to drink [Now thats what I call a pot]



Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia.
One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who
were about to leave and seek their way in life.
'You have led a very sheltered life and you are going
into an extremely sinful world,' she said.
'I must warn you that men will take advantage of you.
They'll do anything to get their way.
They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner,
then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you,
do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out.'
'Excuse me, Mother,' one of the girls asked.
'You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?'
'Yes child, why do you ask?'
'Because the priests only give us candy!'

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours

and gets horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted

after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

He was already starting to blister and in agony.

The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding

with saline and electrolytes, a sedative,

and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said,

"What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor smiled,

"It'll help keep the sheets off his legs."

A common sign when travelling in outback Aussie

Here are a couple of road trains

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters

with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which

that the eye doctor, in disgust,

took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through,

covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde,

"But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

---------------------

You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra Complex,"

the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient.

"In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink.

"It's not all that bad."
"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs.
"I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

------------------------

A girl was visiting her blonde friend,

who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs likeThat?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde.

"They're Watch dogs!"

------------------------





Some one has to do it

This puppet man has a cool job

No wonder she is smiling

One day mom was cleaning her son's room and under the bed,

she found a bondage S+M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said,

"Well, I don't think you should spank him."




Curiousity kiled the cat

Since July 2004, in the little town of Cochrane, northern Ontario (Canada),

you can visit the Polar Bear Habitat,

a kind of local zoo where people can live the once-in-a-lifetime experience

of an outdoor swim with polar bears.
Of course, the humans are in a different pool,

separated from the bears habitat by just a layer of glass.

Can you see the water drops now?

There's a bulletproof, shatterproof glass that's almost 9 centimetres thick,

because although they're cute,

polar bears are among the world's most ferocious carnivores.
It took 20 years for the Polar Bear Conservation

and Education Habitat and Heritage Village to get off the ground.

When it opened in it attracted some 11,000 visitors in the first six months.




Blue Eyes crying in the rain Elvis Presley

Though this is possibly not as good as Willie Nelson's version,

it is still very good and was one of the last two songs played by Elvis before he died

The other being Unchained Melody

This clip has a number of fantastic photos taken with his fans

Enjoy

43

Well, the weekend is almost over and its back to work tomorrow

The Eagles lost at home again

Only bright note on the sporting weekend was the Wallabies [rugby union]

beat South Africa

and the Dockers lost

It was raining at the footy Saturday night and this couple

were sighted with their Blue and Yellow brollies outside the ground

Trying to set a new fashion Hmmmmm........

My favourite people............. Bears


And here is Anne Murray with evereybody's favourite song

Bob can fix it

This image has appeared o just about every blog site I have

visited in the last couple of days

An Irish man goes to the doctor,
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik yata teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a $20 note lodged up here"

Tentatively he

eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 note appears.

"This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor

"What do you want me to do?."

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears,

and another and another etc...
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash.

"$1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

[Lifted from the Rotary Club of Maddington's newsletter, thanks Gordon]


A CURE FOR ENGRISH

For the greenies and tree huggers!!
Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man

hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquires,

"Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..."

So he wraps his arms around the tree

and presses his ear up against the tree.

With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him,

takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by,

sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asks,

"What the hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.

While he was telling his story,

the other guy shakes his head in sympathy,

walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says,

"This just ain't your day."

----------------------------

A California woman,

who was a tree hugger and a rabid anti-hunter,

purchased a piece of timberland.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

She wanted to get a good view of the natural splendor of her land

so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl,

which attacked her.

In her haste to escape,

she slid down the tree to the ground and got numerous splinters

in her nether regions.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor.

She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was,

and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience

and then told her to go into the examining room

and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded,

"What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her,

"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,

the Forest Service,

and the Bureau of Land Management

before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

..and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down."

---------------------------


about the only thing this useless vehicle is good for

Two blondes...
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said,

"Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says,

"Where?"

-----------------

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation,

she asked him somewhat hesitantly

just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.

"You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."



Another great track from the Travelling Wilburys

HANDLE WITH CARE

42

Today is the Fourth of July

Happy Birthday America

And also Happy Birthday to Canada whose big day was July 1st

An Aussie Love Poem

Of course I love ya darling
Your a bloody top notch bird
And when I say ur gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms around there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave into gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That youv got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nannas grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And get me another beer

SHIFT HAPPENS........Globlization
Do yourself a favour and watch this all the way thru
Thought provoking




THE BRIDE
On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon,
Jack stood on the first tee at his country club.
He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown
came running up to him, crying.
She slaps him in the face, turns and runs away.
He turns to his golfing buddy and says calmly,
"I don't know what her problem is.
I distinctly told her only if it rained."


So for him its

before it even starts



I was having trouble with my computer
So, I called Harold, the computer bloke to come over
Harold clicked a couple of buttons
and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call
As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So what was wrong?"
He replied "It was an 'ID ten T' error
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
"An 'ID ten T' error? Whats that. In case I need to fix it again
Harold grinned.....
Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T' error before.
"No," I replied
"Write it down," he said "and Ithink you'll figure it out".
So I wrote down 'IDIOT'
Iused to like Harold
so this sign below seems to sum it up






A doctor who had been administering to an 80-year-old woman
for most of her life, finally retired.
At her next check-up,
her new doctor told her to bring a list of all the
medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor looked through the list,
his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING
in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning,
I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice
that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks...
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"







Did you hear about the robbery at the police station?
Someone stole all of the toilet seats,
and the cops have nothing to go on.

Cuts in Polce funding has resulted in this

they won't catch many in these

The Travelling Wilburys

"End of the Line"

[Look for the tribute to Roy Orbison]

41

After a very hectic weekend its time for a blog

Great Sporting weekend

With the Eagles defeatig the Adelaide Crows on their homeground

and the Wallabies [Rugby Union ]beating the NZ All Blacks

Who said Australia hasn't got talent??

This takes a bit of courage to do

But it is very funny

Taking the mickey out of the Governments terror campaign

He was known for hardly ever attending church,
so the next time the pastor saw him, he told him,
"You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Answered he: "I am already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Asked the pastor:
"So how come I never see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back: "I am in the secret service."








A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it.
He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there.
The cat was already walking up the driveway
when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away
but the same thing happened.
He kept increasing the number of blocks
but the cat kept coming home before him.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away,
turn right, then left, past the bridge ,
then right again and another right and so on
until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot
and dropped the cat there.
Hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her,
"Jen is the cat there?"
"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said,
" Put that damn cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions!!!




A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat
and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down,
gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy,
the frog was happy,
and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed
and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief,
the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!






The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes
on Saturday morning and set about all the chores
he'd been putting off for weeks.
He'd cleaned the garage,
pruned the hedge,
and was halfway through mowing the lawn
when a woman pulled up in the driveway
and yelled out her window,
"Say, what do you get for yard work?"
The fellow thought for a minute, then answered,
"The lady who lives here, lets me sleep with her."
-----------------


With petrol prices going up,
I had to purchase a new form
of transporation.

A COWASAKI
---------------------------------

Philosophy of Stock Markets
Once upon a time in a village a man appeared
who announced to the villagers that he
would buy monkeys for 10 rupees.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys
went out in the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at 10 and
as supply started to diminish
and villagers started to stop their effort
he announced that now he would buy at 20 rupees.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers
and they started catching moneys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further
and people started going back to their farms.
The offer rate increased to 25
and the supply of monkeys became so that it was an effort
to even see a monkey let alone catch it.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at 50!
However, since he had to go to the city on some business
his assistant would now buy on behalf of the man.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers
"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.
I will sell them to you at 35
and when the man comes back you can sell it to him for 50."
The villagers queued up with all their savings
and bought the monkeys.
The assistant promptly vanished the next day
leaving a villagefull of monkeys



Beautiful Duet
Roy Orbison and KD Lang
"Crying"