Thursday, August 30, 2007

55






Here in Australia, this Sunday is Fathers day,
if you are a Dad have a good one




[borrowed these images from Miss Cellania's blog]


This is a very funny NIKE advert
Yamba beach......... New South Wales

The day the Pacific was whipped up into an ocean of froth
Foam swallowed an entire beach and half the nearby buildings,
including the local lifeguards' centre,
in a freak display of nature at Yamba in New South Wales.
One minute a group of teenage surfers were waiting to catch a wave,
the next they were swallowed up in a giant bubble bath.
The foam was so light that they could puff it out of their hands and watch it float away.
not seen at the beach for more than three decades.
Scientists explain that the foam is created by impurities in the ocean,
such as salts, chemicals, dead plants, decomposed fish and excretions from seaweed.
All are churned up together by powerful currents which cause the water to form bubbles.
These bubbles stick to each other as they are carried below
the surface by the current towards the shore.
As a wave starts to form on the surface,
the motion of the water causes the bubbles to swirl upwards and, massed together,
they become foam.
The foam "surfs" towards shore until the wave "crashes", tossing the foam into the air.


An old Italian Mafia Don is dying
and he called his grandson to his bed and told him:
"Grandson I wanta you to listen to me.
I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".
The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns,
how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead"
.The don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness,
you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,
a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino,
some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man.
Whata you gonna do then?
Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'"?



Here's a quiz for
What is special about those countries highlighted in red on this World Map
Send in your answers
I' ll buy a beer for the winner


A car was involved in an accident in a street.
As expected, a large crowd gathered.
A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly,
"Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
[thanks Miss Cellania]






Senior dating
Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking.
Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week,
and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”
Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M.,
dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car…
a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvelous dinner…
lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress
and has his way with me two times!”
Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”



This must be one mean cat




Some Animal cartoons





A lady went into a bar in Waco, Texas
and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men
with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am.
Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Walking by, a minister saw his 5-year-old son and playmates find a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed,

the children had secured a small box and cotton batting,

then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers

and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what

he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn...

and into the hole he gooooes."









A couple of jokes from our readers

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.
One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
It was a finespring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself.
This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye beso kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite awit, replied with a smirk.
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
[thanks Jim King]



An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get
a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor
had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home,
his wife started on him about the time he got home.
"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it," she said.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual he went
and poured himself a double shot of whiskey
and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks
as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
His wife answered and was told that her husband's client,
James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had,
she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door,
she was greeted by the sight of the rear of her husband,
bent over, naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed:
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER LET UP?"
[Thanks Frank Andinach]

Patsy Cline....Three Cigarettes in an Ashtray







BLOGGER has a new tool where you can insert video's
direct from your Windows media file
So this one is a trial to see if it works
Sent to me by my brother danny
Title
"Don't buy tools during October"
Click on the arrow and it should work



video

Sunday, August 26, 2007

54

Welcome to edition 54
Footy is over for the weekend
One week to go and its the finals and the Eagles are looking
to finish second on the ladder to earn a home final
Docker fans have crawled back in their hole



Keith Richards .......UNDRUGGED



AUSTRALIAN BUSH ETIQUETTE [wish Ihad known some of this before I went to Queensland]
IN GENERAL.
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to
take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the cask, tilt the paper cup
and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no;
it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman
it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you ever since
I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back home will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday."
If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to withdraw from the date ASAP. THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered to be out of place).
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles,
even if your guns are loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roobar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
[Thanks Peter Pelham]








A giant panda gave birth to a cub in an Austrian zoo last Thursday,


Europe's first such event in 25 years (the last one was born in Madrid in 1982).
Giant pandas are notoriously loathe to breed in captivity.



Females typically ovulate just once a year for a few days.
The new born cub weighs just 100 grams (3.5 ounces)



and measuring 10 cm (3.9 inches).
The panda was born without artificial insemination



and that is extremely rare.


About 40 percent of baby pandas did not live beyond a year.
In the above picture the mother is carrying her baby in her mouth.











A widowed lady was sunbathing on a Perth beach.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up,
placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach," she continued. "Do you come here often?"
"First time since my wife passed away two years ago,"
he replied, and returned to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that.
My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely.
Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he said, "over in Floreat Park.
"Still trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted:
"Sir, do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped on her,
pulled off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate time of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
"And I'd like to know how you knew my name was Katz."




When you gotta go, you gotta go.........................No thanks, now get lost





I had the toughest time of my life when I was a senior in high school.
First I got angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis.
Just as I was recovering from these,
I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and appendicitis, followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.
Then, I don't know, there was diabetes, rheumatism and neuritis.
I don't know how I pulled through it.
Just let me tell you it was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.





Some dumb blonde sent this to me


How to weigh yourself
In case you're wondering I am always 4.3lbs [1.95kg's]

I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years


Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals,
kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, George,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup parked in front of the town's only bar.
George, a man of few words, said nothing.
He didn't explain, defend or deny.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house
and walked home....l
leaving the pickup there all night



I WONDER IF SHE COOKS AND CLEANS?



At last a solution to stop all those mongrels
who keep stealing my thongs!!!




Women are smarter than men
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where
he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
"but in just a month or two, my father will die,
and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and,
three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.






Why We Like The British*
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed hishouse." (The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot
issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A list of announcements that London
Tube train drivers have actually made
to their passengers . . . . . .

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize
for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home, unless, of
course, you happen to be married to my
ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross
over to the Westbound and go in the opposite
direction."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the
line controller suffering from E & B syndrome:
not knowing his elbow from his
backside. I'll let you know any further information
as soon as I'm given any."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey
coat trying to get on the second carriage -
what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't
you understand?"



A Scotsman walking through a field,
sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts " Awa ye feel hoor that âs full Oâ coos Sharn"
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)
The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you!
"The Scotsman man shouts back
"Use both hands, you'll get more in!"
[thanks Jim King]


Following are three music videos
All of the same song
"Its a working man I am"
is a song dedicated to coalminers throughout the world
My father worked underground for a number of years in the coalmines at Clooie
so this song is special to me
Ican't decide which version Ilike best
So have posted three
Let me know which one you like



Rita MacNeil



Welsh Singer...Paul Childs
Welsh Singer...the late DAVID Alexander





























Thursday, August 23, 2007

53
Phils Phun is back!!!
After an enjoyable holiday in North Queensland, its back to WA and work
If you have not been to the Northern part of Queensland [Townsville, Cairns, Atherton Tablelands]
Then put it on your list of "must do"
You have to see the Daintree rainforests,Kuranda, Whitsundays and the wonders of the tablelands.
Its very touristry, but very relaxing at this time of the year
Next to Western Australians, Queenslanders are a friendly lot and go out of their
way to make your visit memorable.
Was surprised by the number of English tourists visiting Australia
Below is a picture of my bed before I left
Perhaps now I can get a good nights sleep





This[below] should be Qantas airlines
Their flight departure times have gone out the window with planes
up to two hours late leaving
Leads to a lot of wasted time sitting in airport lounges

STRANGE NOISE
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a strange noise he heard in the engine," she explained.
"Oh, and it took a while to fix it," said the passenger.
"Not exactly." replied the stewardess,
"It just took us a bit to find a deaf pilot."
[thanks Miss Cellania]


As a Rotarian this vandalism seems mindless
Carl -Wilhelm was World President of
Rotary International in 2005-2006
in my year as District Governor of D9470
Toilet Office Prank



A golfer asked his friend:
"Why are you so late in arriving for your tee time?"
"It is Sunday," replied his friend.
"I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf."
"Yes, but that still doesn't tell me why you are so late."
"It took over 25 tosses to get it right!"





An archaeological team,
digging in Canberra has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains
of what is believed to be the first Politician.





Questions????



.. ANSWERS:
[1] …… 70,000 lives and rising
[2] …… US$ 452,637,400,000 and rising





THE GREAT ESCAPE


I bought a pair of these for my wife,so that she can dust
the floor everytime she gets up from the Telly



So you think your going to heaven
I don't think so
Read below

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.
God greets her at the Pearly Gates.
"Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?" says God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies
.So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While eating this humble meal,
Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring
huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines.
Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.
The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal.
Again, it is tuna and rye bread.
Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying
caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
Still she says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
She can't contain herself any longer.
Meekly, she says:
"God, I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led.
But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread,
and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings!
I just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest,"
He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"







You know you're a cop if...


You have the bladder capacity of five people
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience
You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air
Your idea of a good time is a "man with a gun" call
You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills
You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see
You have your weekends off planned for a year
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce
You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it's located
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide...getting it Right the first time.
"You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably
You think caffeine should be available in IV form
You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow more than a .O8
You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around
Anyone has ever said to you, "There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me."
People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places ... and you know where it's located
You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession. (ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH!)
You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill."
You do not see daylight from November until May
People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original
A week's worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks,and 5 pairs of underwear You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend", or "this is my Friday."
You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight." Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you
You find humor in other people's stupidity
You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you've eaten
You feel good when you hear "these handcuffs are too tight."
[Thanks Jim King ex-cop]

A Jewish girl brings her fiancé home to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar," the father says.
"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in,
as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé
.The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,
the fiancé insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans,
but the good news is he thinks I'm God."



ASTHMA
Matthew sets up Andrew to go on a blind date with a friend of his.
But Andrew is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andrew,
"I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry." Matthew says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first.
If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned.
If you don't, just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh!
and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Andrew knocks at the girl's door,
and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.
Andrew's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts,
"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.
Doctors removed 2 Nokias,
3 Motorolas and a Samsung.
No Siemen was found.
[thanks Jim King]
Hands up all those who remember Sav Rocca
Sav used to play for the Sydney Swans Aussie rules team
His brother Anthony currently plays for Collingwood
Here's Big Sav making his NRL debut in the States
Some wuss gives give a mediocre bump at the end of the vid
If you like Irish music as much as I do
You will enjoy this Tim O'Riordan.....The Langer
Thanks to Fred Rea for forwarding this to me]






LIFE