64
The footy is done and dusted for another year
As you can see below the Geelong Cats won the flag by thumping Port Adelaide
The Cats win was very impressive and if Port Adelaide is supposedly the second best team in the competition then the rest of the teams must be very mediocre
Final Score Geelong 24.19 Port 6.8


Weekend is over for most of you, but here in the West,
we have a long weekend and can sleep in again tomorrow





PETER SELLERS on the MUPPET SHOW

A single can of paint can pollute millions of litres of water


A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'"

No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes,

shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely.

"I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one.

Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably,

"I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter,

Pearly Mae, pregnant.

"The boy considered for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Pa about that,"he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 forthe bull and $25 for the boar,

but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

-----------------------

Misc cartoons

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners,

and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly,

along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced,

“Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.

And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”


--------------

Words Women Use and the Definitions
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument

when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes

to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,

and you should be on your toes.

Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine

.4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement

often misunderstood by men

A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why

she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.

(Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements women can make to a man.

That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how

and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,

meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,

but is now doing it herself.

This will later result in a man asking

“What’s wrong?”

For the woman’s response, refer to #3.
--------

There was a peddler who sold wool blankets and sweaters.

Every day, he would pull his cart a few miles from his home to the village marketplace.

He passed a small lake that was on the property of a local banker.

On a particularly cold winter's day, he noticed that the lake was frozen over.

He realized that he could shave a mile or so off his trip by pulling his cart over the lake.

When he got halfway across the lake, the banker raced from his house, yelling,
"Nobody's going to pull the wool over my ice!"

A squad of Soldiers was marching north of Baghdad

when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured andunconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian SAS in a similar but less serious state.
The Aussie was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,

the squad leader asked the injured Aussie what had happened.

The Aussie reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here,

and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent."
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein wasa miserable, low life scum bag

who got what he deserved,

and he yelled back that John Howard is a bald headed,good-for-nothing,

right wing extremist who doesn't know how to listen
So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Peter Costello
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands,

when a truck hit us."

A Free State "Boer" walks into his local bar and to his surprise

finds a little Japanese man sitting in his regular chair.

"Kleingat, you sommer sitting op my stoel" he angrily shouts.

Before he knows it, the Jap is up and knocks the farmer flying.

After the farmer recovers he asks:

"What the blerry hell was that?"

"Zat martial art from my country Japan" replies the Jap and strolls off in a stroppy way.

The following day the farmer finds the Jap in "His" seat again.

The farmer goes: "You is alweer sitting op my stoel"

and again the Jap knocks the farmer out with some nifty Kung Fu.

On regaining consciousness the farmer asks:

"What the blerry hell was that?"

"Zat Karate from my country Japan" and as stroppy as ever ambles off.

Now the farmer is dik die moer in.........

The next day the farmer finds the Jap sitting in "His" chair again!

"So, you is alweer sitting op my stoel. Vat So"

and he knocks the daylights out of the Jap with one blow.

The little Jap comes around after some time and asks the farmer what was that?

The farmer replies:

"That, my china was a bliksemse Isuzu 2.8 litre turbo diesel bakkie se wheelspanner...

also from your country Japan "

No Homosexuals in IRAN

Nostalgia

The following two video's are of the Everly Brothers singing

"All I have to do is dream"

The first is the original 1958 version and the second was recorded on one their reunion concerts

The harmonies on both are terrific

Personally I like the second slower version

Great American Presidential speeches

[Click on pointer twice to activate]

63
Its time for another blog
Here in Western Australia its a long weekend
The footy grand final is on [Go Cats]
The Perth Royal show starts Saturday
And fine weather is forecast




WHY SOME MEN DIE EARLY




Just for the ladies


Mouse Balls And Mouse Ball inspector
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine.
The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences.
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel
in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."
-------------------------



The Nude Runner


A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when,
to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.
My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ it's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered
he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend
in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who
had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying you clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes," our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you
always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just when it's raining."
[Thanks Josie Jamieson]


Thought this is just one cool photo


Misc cartoons

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over,

has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward

at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.
So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Welcome to Heaven,” says Saint Peter, “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.

We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in; I’m a good Christian; I’m a believer,” says the PM.
“I’d like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself.

He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy,

you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven.

Then you must choose where you’ll live for eternity.”
“But I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” replies Howard.
“I’m sorry … but we have our rules,” Peter interjects.

And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down …

all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky.

The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees.

In the distance is a beautiful club-house.
Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries

who had helped him out over the years —

Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, Billy Snedden, etc.

And everyone is laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, and to reminisce about the good times they

had getting rich at the expense of ’suckers and peasants.’

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a single malt,

“Have a drink John and relax!”
Seeing his hesitancy, the Devil reassures Howard.
“This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry

and it just gets better from there!”
Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil,

who he thinks is a really very friendly cove who tells amusing anecdotes

and pulls hilarious nasty pranks,

kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST

and the Free Trade Agreement promises.
They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it’s time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps into the lift and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit Heaven,” the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people

who enjoy each other’s company,

talk about things other than money and treat each other decently.

Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.
No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it’s not caviar or lobster.

And these people are all poor.

He doesn’t see anybody he knows and he isn’t even treated like someone special.
“Whoa,” he says uncomfortably to himself.

“Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!”
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says,

“Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven.

Now choose where you want to live for eternity.”
With the ‘Deal or No Deal’ theme playing softly in the background,

Howard reflects for a minute . then answers:

“Well, I would never have thought I’d say this —

I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all —

but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.”
So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift again and he goes down, down, down,

all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle

of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together.

They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with tar.
The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder.

“I don’t understand,” stammers a shocked Howard,

“Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house

and we ate lobster and caviar and drank single malt whisky.

We lazed around and had a great time.

Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!”
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs,

“Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!”



Teddy Bear Hubcaps [Iwant some]

If one docker dockered another docker,

does the docker who dockered the docker

docker the docker the way the docker he is dockering dockers?

Or does he docker the docker the way the docker who dockers dockers?



Zimbabwe where infation is 4000%

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,

his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,

and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep,

and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank,

and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,

"Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious.

"You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried,

"Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie,

You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Then if I also said 'no' to her,

you would have come up with my wife.

Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives,

and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone,

so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.

"The moral of this story is : Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others..

MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

When in Greece make sure you have

the correct money or pass for road toll tax

[sent in by Jim King]



There are many words in the English language

that sound the same but which are spelled differently

and have completely different meanings.

For example:

People leading double, discrete lives should be discreet.

Serfs don't surf.

Bears run around bare in the woods.

Jane read 'til her eyes were red.

John led the campaign to get the lead out.

Never pin people with a ballpoint pen.

People with byte problems sometimes yell "Bite me!"

Some scenes should be heard and not seen.

There are wide aisles in the supermarket on the isle.

Tick bites can lead to eye tics.

A angry mite might bite you.

Her firstborn was borne for nine months.

Would you chop wood if you were freezing?

If it looks like you're prey, pray!

Don't read while lying in reeds.

Pigs root out truffles on that route.

Fowl can be some foul things.

In the islands, you can sometimes get a lei and a lay.

Hens labour under the heavy yoke of yolk production quotas.

Try to keep your stationery stationary. Your writing will look neater.

1,010 bikini-clad women have made history by posing on

Australia's Bondi Beach for the world's largest swimsuit photo shoot.

The shoot will appear in the January issue of Cosmopolitan,

on sale Monday December 3,

and will also feature in the next edition of the Guinness World Records book,

out in September 2008.

A rare white koala has received medical treatment in an Australian

animal hospital after suffering blindness caused by chlamydia.
Australian media said the koala, nicknamed Mick,

was found by police and was taken to the Port Macquarie Koala Hospital, north of Sydney.

The koala underwent surgery and was given antibiotics to restore his sight and health.
"He came in with a chlamydial conjunctivitis.

He had very bad conjunctivitis in his eyes.

He's been surgically dealt with. He's had antibiotics and he's looking good,"

Koala Hospital supervisor Cheyne Flanagan told local media.
She said Mick was not an albino, as he had a black nose and yellow eyes,

but was a rare white koala.


Video

The break up has been bitter

SAY NO MORE

Have you already hugged your toilet today

If this doesn't get you footapping and bouncing around the room

and in a great frame of mind for the long weekend ,then there is no more I can do
ELO [Electric Light Orchestra]...Hold on Tight [to your dreams]

Dads Car

click on arrow twice to activate

62

Guess what tomorrow is!!

With one wek to go in the footy finals we are down to the last two teams
Grand final next week is between Geelong Cats and Port Power [South Aussie team]
Never thought I would barrack for a Melbourne team in this competion
Go Cats [Geelong's not really in Melbourne anyway]





POLAR BEAR LIFE IN THE ZOO





He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity centre.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her
and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,
"Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration' she answered:
"Yes, yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges,
they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled.
Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?
He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall, not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'yes' or did you say 'no'?"
He was delighted to hear her say,
"Why, I said, 'yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued,
"And I am so glad that you called,
because I couldn't remember who had asked me."


WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS??




MUSICAL


Anyone know who this is?

Now, I know India beat Australia last night in the 20/20

version of cricket

But here is a funny picture of that up himself batsmen from India

Sachin Tendulkar

THEME PARTY
One weekend, there was a costume party at a mental hospital,

and the theme of the party was "war".
The first patient comes up onto the stage and says, "I am an atomic bomb."

He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I am a hydrogen bomb."

Again, there is a round of applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite."

Everybody in the audience runs away hysterically.
When one of the mental patients was asked why they all ran away, he replied,

"Didn't you see how short his fuse was?"
[pinched from Miss Cellania]

--------------------------

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session,

she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device.

.. a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him,

"How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy .. . you explain the kids."

[thanks Joan Andony]

--------------------------

The girl of my dreams..a Teddy Bear lover!!!






Talking dog
A young farm lad from Tennessee goes off to college,
but about 1/3 ofthe way through the semester,
he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his daddy.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with!
Why, they actually have a program here at the University of Tennessee
that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 waythrough the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
"but you just won't believe this -
they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented
a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father,
"No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,
Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked,
'So, is your daddy still messin'around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says,
"I hope you SHOT that son of a b*#@ before he talks toyour Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)

-----------------------------------
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
However,their conversation was constantly interrupted by people
describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this,the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do u do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them", replied the lawyer,
"and then i send them a bill".
The doctor was shocked,but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty,
the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox,
he found a bill from the lawyer.

DO YOUR BIT



Good news for us Molly dukers
Left-handers on roll as numbers triple
Left-handedness has reached record levels,
with a more than three fold rise over the past century in the proportion
of those using their left hand to write.
A large-scale historical study of handwriting down the ages by academics
at University College London (UCL) has found that the proportion
of left-handers has gone up from 3%
among those born more than 100 years ago to 11% today.
Chris McManus, professor of psychology at UCL,
said the surge in left-handedness
may be due to a reduction in attempts to coerce naturally left-handed children
into using their right hands.
McManus’s team have reinforced the theory that left-handedness
is growing by analysing film shot about 1900
which shows that only 16% of those living at the beginning of the 20th century
used their left arms to wave, compared with about 24% of people today.
Previously experts had suggested severe discrimination against “gibble-fists”
in the 18th and 19th centuries might have caused their numbers to fall -
before left-handed numbers picked up again
as the fashion for coercing left-handers faded in the latter 20th century.
Even into the 1960s some schoolchildren’s left hands
were tied behind their backs to ensure they wrote with their right.

[ed.. Ihad a teacher in Grade one who used to rap left handers
on the knuckles with a ruler and then stand over you to intimidate you
Didn't work I'm still a molly duker]


Two men were hunting in the woods.
One was a fanatic who hunted as often as possible.
His friend was hunting for the first time.
He didn't want to hurt anything.
After a couple hours, they saw deer tracks.
They soon caught up with the deer.
The deer was slow because it had a terrible infection in one eye.
The eye was swollen closed.
The hunter lifted his gun to shoot the deer.
But his friend begged him to stop.
"Can't you see ...
... that's a bad eye deer?"

-------------------

How I met my wife

A couple of organisations that she belongs too

It's ok , I'm leaving town for a few weeks!!!!!


Here is my favourite part of that cult movie

The Blues Brothers

CAB CALLOWAY..MINNIE THE MOOCHER

Very funny at a fashion show

Listen to these two TV blokes cracking up

click on arrow to activate

61



G'day to all my readers
The weekend is upon us again
Football finals continue and if your team is still in contention ,best of luck

The following two videos tell the inspring story of Kyle Lograsso a 6 year old Golf Fanatic
who has overcome some tremendous hurdles in his short life to date
It matters not if your a golf player, fan or detest the sport
Watch this
Kyle's story is not to be missed
Video two..... follows on from Video 1

Kyle Lograsso...part one



Kyle Lograsso ... part two






PM John Howard and his cabinet doing what they do best

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,

“Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.
“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.
“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling, “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib,

then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.
“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”
“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy…

“you’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”

------------------------------------------------------------------

A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect repellent.
He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious.

“Young man, I’ll make you a proposition.
I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.

If there is not a single bite on you come morning,

I’ll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case.

We will make you rich”.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.

The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds,

not a single bite on him.

Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn,

but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. “Son,” he said,

“Now, you don’t have a bite on you but you look like hell!

What the devil happened?”
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,

“Doesn’t that calf have a mother?”

What a neat idea...GO NAVY

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together,

it was always the husband behind the wheel on the boat.

He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out, on the lake he said to his wife

"Please take the wheel, dear, Pretend I am having a heart attack, you must get the boat ashore and dock it."

So she steered the boat ashore and docked it.

Later that evenig, the wife walked into the lounge room, where her husband was watching TV.

She sat down next to him, took the remote, and changed the channel and said to him.

"Please go to the kitchen dear, pretend I am having a heart attack, and set the table, cook the dinner and do the dishes"

One of the best singles ads ever printed

"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.

I love long walks in the woods,

riding in your car (whatever make or model -- I'm not fussy),

hunting, camping and fishing trips,

cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work,

wearing only what nature gave me.

Call O9 9459 606-xxxx, and ask for Daisy. I'll be waiting."

More than 15,000 men found themselves talking to the RSPCA

about an 8-week-old Labrador retriever.





Seattle toe/tow truck

COUPLE OF MEAN WAYS TO TRANSPORT

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season.

Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette

of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine... (1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking,

places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,

and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone

where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities

can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat .

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,

and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction,

concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

[Sent in by Paul Grubb[from Tasmania]



Jacob and Rebecca Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89,

living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,

and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in.....

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?".

...The pharmacist answers, "Yes."....J

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

....Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

....Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

....Pharmacist: "All kinds."

....Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

....Pharmacist: "Definitely."

....Jacob: "How about Viagra?".

...Pharmacist: "Of course."

....Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

....Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

....Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills,

Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

....Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

....Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

....Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[Pinched from "It ocurred to me}

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"

"I'm four and a half!"

You're never thirty-six and ahalf;

You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13; but hey, you'regonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony . . .

YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.

Oooohh, what happened there?

Makes you sound like bad milk!:

He TURNED; we had to throw him out.

There's no fun now,

you're Just a sour-dumpling.

What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.

Before you know it,youREACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60.

You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!

After that it's aday-by-day thing;

you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle;

you HIT lunch;

you REACH 4:30;

you MAKE IT to bedtime.

And it doesn't end there.

Into the 90s, you start going backwards;

"IWasJUST 92!"

Then a strange thing happens.

If you make it over 100, you become alittle kid again.

"I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
[Thanks to Madeleine Foster [Qld] and Robert Doohan[Kalgoorlie] who both sent this in]




Crank up your sound and dance around the room

Rock and Roll will never die

John Fogerty...Bad Moon a rising

Had some requests to post some more oldies

Used to knock around with a girl in the sixties who was mad abot this song

Crispian St Peters ...Follow me I'm the Pied Piper

thanks Joan Andony

60
The footy season is over for the Eagles after Collingwood beat them on Friday night. The Magpies now meet the Geelong Cats and I guess most footy fans will now support the Cats who haven't won a Grand Final since 1963

Saw this video posted on a couple of Blogs and those of us that are getting a bit long in the tooth can probably relate to it
The Remember Song............Tom Rush

Come to Cedar Point and take a ride for 30 seconds

ADAM and EVE

An Italian and a Greek were boasting about which empire

gave most to the foundations of the modern world
The Greek claimed that Greece had laid the foundations of democracy.

The Roman countered by saying that Rome had established modern government systems.
The Greek claimed that Greece had laid the foundations of great art and sculpture.

The Roman countered by saying that Rome had set the pattern for modern military organisation.
The Greek claimed that Greece had introduced sex.

The Roman countered by observing that Rome had introduced the idea to include women.

[Thanks Jim King]

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest.

The first one says,
" My dad is so scared that when it's lightning and thundering,
he slides underneath the bed."

The second kid says,
"That's nothing.

My dad is so scared that when my mother works the nightshift,
he sleeps with the woman next door.
[Thanks Jim King]

10 Things You Better Off Not Knowing About Your Body
1. The average human body comprises enough fat to make seven bars of soap,

enough iron to make a medium sized nail,

enough potassium to explode a toy cannon,

enough lime to whitewash a small chicken coop,

enough sugar to fill a jam jar,

and enough sulphur to rid a dog of fleas.

2. A complete skeleton is worth between $5,000 and $7,500 to a medical student;

your skull alone would fetch only about $450.

3. Your mouth produces about one quart of saliva per day.

4. Demodex folliculorum has eight stumpy legs and a tail,

is about a third of a millimeter long,

and loves nothing more than to recline in the warm,

oily pits of your hair follicles.

Most adults have this mite, usually on the head, but especially in eyelashes.

And often, they’re in nipples.

5. You have approximately 4,000 wax glands in each ear.

6. The average adult stool weighs about 4 ounces.

And half of the bulk of your feces comprises the dead bodies of bacteria

that live inside your intestines.

7. The average male foot exudes half a pint of sweat each day.

8. If it weren’t for the slimy mucous that clings to and lines the walls of your gut,

your stomach would readily digest itself.

9. The average person will pass about 11,000 gallons of urine in a lifetime.

10. A man weighing 200 lbs. would provide enough meat

to feed 100 cannibals in one sitting.

BUGGER

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning

and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet

and when I looked down, the water was full of five cent pieces."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,

there were fifty cent coins in the bowl."

"That night," she went on,

"I went again,plink-plink-plink, and there were dollar coins

and this morning there were two dollar coins!

You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored,

"I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about..."

"You're simply going through the change!
[Thanks Ron Wilson]

Cool picture of a Water Bomber

This is close

This is closer

"You really don't appreciate a lot of stuff at school until you get older.

It's the little things like being spanked by a middle aged woman ...

Stuff you have to pay good money for in later life"

A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest.
Every day, worker bees went to the fields, gathered pollen,
and brought it back to make honey.
The bees had a problem, though.
Occasionally, an intruder came around,
such as a bear who wanted the honey,
or kids who threw rocks at the hive.
Finally, the bees got tired of it.
They built an alarm system for the hive.
A bee could pull a lever, which triggered the alarm.
The bees could come back to protect their home.
One bee was exclusively assigned that job.
He was named the "Lever Bee."
He had to be constantly on the alert.
And that's why people say,
"I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."



Everybody wants to be a dog



COPPERS

continuing with the 60's nostalgia

we have two Steve's today
Steve Winwood...Spencer Davis Group....Keep on Running


Steve Marriott ....Small Faces......Itchycoo Park

YOU CAN EAT OR TYPE,CHOOSE WISELY

59
Its that time again
Wow?
Did I hit a raw nerve with the Dockers joke last Sunday
Its a joke people!!!
If Docker supporters want to see something vile, rude and vindictive
then they should visit Dockerland.com which is run by some Docker fans
No doubt I will get some mail should Collingwood beat the Eagles
tomorrow night, in their cut throat final

A FRIEND in need of a damn good kicking is a FRIEND indeed.
I don't know who said that but he must have known some of my mates.
I also don't know if I'm naturally drawn to terrible people
or if it works the other way round.
All I know is, people with a wicked sense of humour make wonderful friends.
They have a tendency to constantly test your friendship
in order to see if it survives.
When it does, you have further proof of what
some other anonymous person once said:
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. -
Bill Leak

VERY FUNNY ACUPUNCTURE COMMERCIAL




Some funny signs

As a newly hired reference librarian,

I was trying to be extra sensitive to the needs of our patrons.

When an ill-at-ease adolescent boy approached me and in a barely audible voice,

asked for books on "beginning to develop,"

I was prepared.
He seemed embarrassed to be talking to me,

so I called over a male staff member and whispered that the boy

needed some books about the onset of puberty.
A while later they returned to my desk,

my colleague with a big grin on his face,

and the boy with books on photography.

[Thanks Miss Cellania]

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him,

"How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said:

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked.

"I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when a snake slithered across my feet.

I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,

'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'
"I guess I just panicked...."





Floods in Ireland ,but there is always time for a guinness or two

Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by,

put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when,

sure enough, a curious Texan walks to the window,

has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks,

"What're y'all sellin' here?"

One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here."

Without skipping a beat, the Texan says,

"Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"

EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A DOG

What a great idea

Bit late for us here in the West

But if you blokes on the east coast

get your act together you might make it

Aussie blokes find tools to shed their loneliness
For generations, men seeking to escape life's tribulations have sought

refuge in the solitary, cobwebbed gloom of their garden sheds.

Now that favourite bolt-hole has been reinvented in Australia,

where a new breed of hobby handymen is flocking to take up tools

at communal sheds across the country.

Instead of pottering alone, men are gathering in groups,

drilling and hammering over frequent mugs of tea.

More than 200 such community sheds -

mostly converted from disused corrugated iron hangars

- have sprung up over the past decade, and many more are planned.

The 10,000-strong Men's Sheds in Australia movement is one

of the fastest-growing interest groups in the country,

and officials are sitting up and taking notice.

The Sheddies, as they are known, are mainly ageing handymen,

most of them retired and some widowed.

Women are a rarity in most of the communal sheds,

although they are theoretically welcomed.






A gang of robbers broke into a Lawyers club by mistake

The old Lawyers gave them a fight for their lives

The gang was happy to escape

"It ain't so bad" one crook noted

"We got out with about $25 each between us"

The leader of the gang said

"I warned you to stay clear of Lawyers

We each had over $100 when we broke in"

Accountants

An accountant visited the Natural History museum.

While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor:

"This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago,

and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

[Jokes and Cartoons pinched from Miss Cellania]

David J and Terry E are out playing Golf

They get to the 17th tee,

which overlooks a small lake'

and they see two blokes out on the lake fishing

David says

"Hey Terry! check out those two idiots fishing in the rain"

[think about it]

Thought we might have a bit of nostalgia with the vids today

First a very underated song that was way ahead of its time
MELTING POT............BLUE MINK

And a song that I used to flog to death on my record player

I still have the original 45rpm

LAZY SUNDAY....SMALL FACES

Why bother with the truth, when it doesn't suit your argument

FLIRTING GARBAGE MEN

Click on arrow to activate

58
Monday, Again tomorrow and so begins a new week
Footy finals in full swing
Eagles beaten by 3 points but live to fight another day
Play Collingwood at home in sudden death playoff this coming weekend
Only thing in our favour is Collingwood [the AFL's most protected team]
is making a very rare trip out of Melbourne.
Eagles have many injury problems so this will even things up a bit




Aussie Rules Football promo
For those who haven't seen it and for our overseas readers




Football joke
Three football fans, an Eagles fan, a Dockers fan and a Collingwood fan were out for a ride
when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female, passed out drunk.
Out of respect and propriety, the Eagles fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Collingwood fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, but with some grumbling,
the Dockers fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.
The police were called and when the first officer arrived,
he conducted his investigation.
First he lifted up the Eagles cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes.
Next, he lifted the Collingwood cap and replaced it, writing down some more notes.
The officer then lifted the Dockers cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it,
lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time
The Dockers fan was becoming annoyed and asked,
“What are you, a pervert or something?
Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”
“Well,” said the officer,
“I am just simply surprised.
Normally, when you look under a Dockers cap.... you find an asshole.”
[this will get me some hate mail]


CONGRATULATIONS

This is a bit late but
Congratulations to Julie and Russell Cockman
from Wyalkatchem with Thomas John


Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates
St Peter opens them and says ' Oh it's you Luciano, come on in.
Squeeze through'.
Pavarotti says ' Hold on, I 've got an envelope for you, from the Pope.'
St Peter opens it up and reads it.
'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'
Thanks Ron Wilson

Red, Green colour blindness test

Are you Colour blind
I am




Neat Electrical job
Terry Elder, Steve Baker and Jeff Cairns take special note





A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against a pillow, smoking a cigarette,
with a satisfied smile on his face.
The chicken takes a puff of his cigarette and asks the egg,
"Was that good for you, baby?"
The egg, looking a bit peed off, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Archeologists were digging at an ancient site in Norway.

They found a statue of the Norse thunder god.

The statue had two huge rubies for eyes.

When the two leading archeologists saw the statue, they began to squabble.

Each wanted to claim the discovery as his own.

The arguing went on for hours, with the rest of the team watching.

Finally, they gave up and decided to share the credit for the discovery.

As the crowd dispersed, one of the archeology assistants said to another,
“Boy, was that a fight for Thor eyes.”



For my New Zealand friends

Thought you should know this, just in case.

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions

may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.
Thanks to Joan Andony]

Some Seniors cartoons

A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain.

During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active.

The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive.

The doctor went back to the young female's room.

Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive.

Are you sure you're not sexually active?"

Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there.

"Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?

"Patient: "No. Who?"

The Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,

and this should help get you started

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was

which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,

a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.

"A normal person would use the bucket because

it's bigger than the spoon or the>teacup."

"No" said the director,

"A normal person would pull the plug

Do you want a room with or without a view?"

An oldie but Goldie Thanks Robert Doohan

Everyone wants to be a Dog

Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel

"Bidge over troubled waters"









Here are a couple of signs I made up with pictures from my files

Neat Polar Bears advertising Coke

57
Footy finals start tomorrow evening with the Eagles playing Port Power in Adelaide, Should be a great game
With the Eagles being the team now representing WA I wonder how many Docker supporters will barrack for them
My answer is not many, which is a pity as I would supprt Freo if the roles were reversed

This is the most awesome video I have seen for sometime
Do yourself a favour and watch it a couple of times
Cadbury's Dairy Milk Advert of a Gorilla emotionally drumming
to Phil Collins song "In The Air Tonight"
Cadbury's has unveiled a £6.2m campaign for Dairy Milk featuring a gorilla playing the drum solo of Phil Collins' track 'In the Air Tonight'.




Say no more




Australia has become a very multi-cultured society with immigrants, arriving from every corner of the planet
It is only fair that this new citzenship questionairre has been devised to help them understand the Aussie Language, Customs, Food and Culture

New Australian Citizenship Test
LANGUAGE
1. Do you understand the meaning, or are able to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?
2. What is a mole?
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
CUSTOMS
1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
2. Complete the following sentences: a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ... b) You're going home in the back of a .... c) Fair suck of the .
3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
FOOD
1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?
5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been nicked from a bath full of ice?
6. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
CULTURE
1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
2. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
3. Who would you like to crack on to?
4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
5. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?
[Thanks to Ron Wilson]


In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male -- both nude.
These two statues faced each other for many, many years
.Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said,
"The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years.
I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed upon you.
I grant you the gift of life -- albeit, as a limited offer.
You have thirty minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."
And with that command, the two statues came to life.
They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment.
They looked all around, at their own bodies and back at each other.
Smiling, they then ran to the nearby woods and dove behind a large bush.
The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling,
bushes rustling and twigs snapping. (Angels aren't naive.)
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes,
looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.
Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them,
"You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked,
"Do you want to do it again?"
"Oh yes!" the female statue replied.
"But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll dump on its head."


Would you buy a watch from this bloke?


Birth of the Blues
With the Rat Pack[Sinatra, Martin, Sammy Davis, and Johnny Carson]



Don't we all Bill



A young boy was looking through the family photographs
& asked his Grandmother:
“ Who is this man on the beach with you with all the muscles & the curly hair”
Grandmother happily said “That’s your grandfather”
The young boy thought for awhile & then asked:
“ Then who is that old baldy fat man who lives with you now”
[Thanks Frank Carter]

Two men were driving through Esperance when they got pulled over.

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and "Whack!"

-- the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Esperance, son," the cop answered.

"When we pull you over in Esperance, you better have your license ready

by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," he replied. "I'm from Kalgoorlie

and didn't know the local laws here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license

-- and finds out he's clean.

So he gives the guy his license back,

then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The passenger rolled down the window and "Whack!"

-- the cop belted him with his nighstick.

"What did you do that for?" asked the passenger.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the cop.

"Making WHAT wish come true?"

"I know you lot from Kalgoorlie," the cop says.

"Two miles down the road you were going to say to your buddy,

'I wish that asshole had tried that shit with me.'"


Two men were walking through the bush and came upon a big black, deep hole.

One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole

and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom.

There was no sound.

He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole.

..let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom."

The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up

and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and never heard a sound.

Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole

and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

One man spotted a wooden rail-road sleeper nearby.

They picked up the sleeper, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole.

They tossed it in. No sound.

All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the bush, running like the wind,

and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole.

The men were amazed.

About that time, an old country farmer came out of the bush

and asked the men if they had seen a goat.

One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed

...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole.

The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat

...he was chained to a railroad sleeper."

Here are two video clips of Duanne Eddy

For someone who has been in the business for over 50 years

Pretty damn good

Legend

Peter Gunn

Ghost Riders in the Sky



Cool Cloud photo

Clouds over Earth August 20th 2007

As seen from International Space Expedition Station

Altitude 184 nautical miles

Men are so stupid

click on arrow to play video

56
Am posting a bit early today as its Fathers day and the family
will all be here soon and I may have a beer or two!!!


Yesterday was a big day at Subiaco oval with the Eagles
playing Essendon[Bombers]
Coach Kevin Sheedy and club ever green James Hird
were in their last games for the club
The Bombers almost stole the game [Eagles only winning by 8 points]
Emotional scenes after the game as the WA public and those Bombers supporters
in attendance gave the pair a rousing farewell



How to be the Perfect WIFE/GIRLFRIEND

Take notes girls


A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined
to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration,
the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least
some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw
enough money to fill two pillowcases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic
and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan was that when he passed away,
he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral,
the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to clean.
Coming upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash she exclaimed,
"Oh, that darned old fool,
I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."



Whenever you are having a rough day,
try this stress management technique recommended
in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. You can feel both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "The World".
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make
out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
See? It really does work. You're smiling already!




Say no more

Jose and Carlos
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot ofmoney to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how hecan bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

Jose says, "Look at your sign."

It reads: "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Carlos looks at Jose's sign.

It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

Must be Hot in London this year

Court Orders Man to Complete eBay Deal

Aug 3, 2007SYDNEY, Australia (AP)

- An Australian court ordered a man to hand over a vintage plane

worth about $215,000 after he tried to back out of an eBay auction,

a newspaper reported Friday.

The New South Wales state Supreme Court ordered

Vin Thomas to complete the deal after he changed his mind about

selling the 1946 World War II Wirraway plane

he had placed on the Internet auction site last year,

the Sydney Morning Herald reported.

Peter Smythe, a Australian warplane enthusiast,

was the only person to bid on the item,

matching the $128,640 reserve price just moments before

the auction ended in August last year.

But Thomas had already agreed to sell the plane to someone else

for $85,800 more than Smythe's offer,

and backed out of the sale, the newspaper said.

Smythe took Thomas to court,

hoping a judge would force him to follow through with the deal.

Judge Nigel Rein agreed, saying the eBay auction formed

"a binding contract between the plaintiff and the defendant and

... should be specifically enforced."

32,000 Quarters Leak Onto Wis. Roads

Aug 3, 2007MADISON, Wis. (AP) -

Imagine the ringing noise of 32,000 quarters hitting the pavement.

An armored car company reported losing $8,000 in quarters

along highways in two Wisconsin counties last month.

About half has been returned.

"I guess somebody found that and figured it was an early Christmas,"

Jefferson County Detective Sgt. Lawrence Lee said.

Eight-hundred dollars of loose quarters was found late last month

in the Madison area and $3,200 in Jefferson County the next day.

Loomis Fargo officials told authorities that a truck headed

for Madison carrying boxes of quarters broke down in the Pewaukee area,

so they sent another one.

The load was transferred, but someone forgot to secure the door.

The driver was issued a citation for failure to prevent a leaking load.

A Loomis official declined comment Thursday.

I’m always a fan of the ‘twist at the end’ kind of story.

This short film is sort of like that, but on a simple scale which, in my opinion,

gives it more impact.
I thought for sure I knew the twist at the end , but I was very pleasantly surprised to find out I was wrong.
I hope you find this nicely done short film as entertaining as I did.
Can you figure out the twist before the end?







Those Golden But Moldy Oldies
They call them oldies for a reason.

What follows is a list of songs updated to reflect the

trials and tribulations of the geriatric set.

If you are a Baby Boomer or older,

you' ll want to snap your fingers (if your arthritis permits)

and tap your foot (if your gout permits).

But first, a word from our sponsor....
Now for your listening pleasure - turn up your hearing aids

-Disc One

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?

Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Hot Flash

Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

Abba -- Denture Queen

Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times (on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall)

Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again

I wouldn't have mixed one disc unless

I had the full intentions of making up some more hits to add to the list. Without further adieu, :Disc Two

Leslie Gore - It's My Potty (and I'll Try If I Want To)

Dave Clark 5 - Catscan Us If You Can

Bob Dylan - Like A Kidney Stone

The Tokens - The Loins Seep Tonight

Ray Charles - Take These IVs From My Arm

Glen Campbell - By The Time I Get To Pee

Hermans Hermits - There's a Kind of Mush (All Over My Shirt)

BJ Thomas - Slipped on a Peeling

Neil Sedaka - Breaking Up Pills Is Hard To Do

Lonnie Donegan - Does Your Dentures Lose Their Flavour In the Cup Overnight?
[pinched from ....It occurred to me...Thanks Mike]

Somebody to Love.....Queen



Well, either all my readers are dumb

or no one is reading this blog??

The answer to the Quiz

The countries highlighted in red are

the only countries left in the world who are not using the metric system