Sunday, September 30, 2007

64
The footy is done and dusted for another year
As you can see below the Geelong Cats won the flag by thumping Port Adelaide
The Cats win was very impressive and if Port Adelaide is supposedly the second best team in the competition then the rest of the teams must be very mediocre
Final Score Geelong 24.19 Port 6.8


Weekend is over for most of you, but here in the West,
we have a long weekend and can sleep in again tomorrow





PETER SELLERS on the MUPPET SHOW





A single can of paint can pollute millions of litres of water


A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'"
No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes,
shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely.
"I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one.
Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably,
"I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter,
Pearly Mae, pregnant.
"The boy considered for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Pa about that,"he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 forthe bull and $25 for the boar,
but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
-----------------------
Misc cartoons








The room was full of pregnant women and their partners,
and the Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly,
along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced,
“Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher.

Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”


--------------

Words Women Use and the Definitions
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine
.4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men
A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why
she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements women can make to a man.
That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how
and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,
but is now doing it herself.
This will later result in a man asking
“What’s wrong?”
For the woman’s response, refer to #3.
--------





There was a peddler who sold wool blankets and sweaters.
Every day, he would pull his cart a few miles from his home to the village marketplace.
He passed a small lake that was on the property of a local banker.
On a particularly cold winter's day, he noticed that the lake was frozen over.
He realized that he could shave a mile or so off his trip by pulling his cart over the lake.
When he got halfway across the lake, the banker raced from his house, yelling,
"Nobody's going to pull the wool over my ice!"





A squad of Soldiers was marching north of Baghdad
when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured andunconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian SAS in a similar but less serious state.
The Aussie was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the squad leader asked the injured Aussie what had happened.
The Aussie reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here,
and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent."
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein wasa miserable, low life scum bag
who got what he deserved,
and he yelled back that John Howard is a bald headed,good-for-nothing,
right wing extremist who doesn't know how to listen
So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Peter Costello
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands,
when a truck hit us."















A Free State "Boer" walks into his local bar and to his surprise
finds a little Japanese man sitting in his regular chair.
"Kleingat, you sommer sitting op my stoel" he angrily shouts.
Before he knows it, the Jap is up and knocks the farmer flying.
After the farmer recovers he asks:
"What the blerry hell was that?"
"Zat martial art from my country Japan" replies the Jap and strolls off in a stroppy way.
The following day the farmer finds the Jap in "His" seat again.
The farmer goes: "You is alweer sitting op my stoel"
and again the Jap knocks the farmer out with some nifty Kung Fu.
On regaining consciousness the farmer asks:
"What the blerry hell was that?"
"Zat Karate from my country Japan" and as stroppy as ever ambles off.

Now the farmer is dik die moer in.........
The next day the farmer finds the Jap sitting in "His" chair again!
"So, you is alweer sitting op my stoel. Vat So"
and he knocks the daylights out of the Jap with one blow.
The little Jap comes around after some time and asks the farmer what was that?
The farmer replies:
"That, my china was a bliksemse Isuzu 2.8 litre turbo diesel bakkie se wheelspanner...
also from your country Japan "


No Homosexuals in IRAN
Nostalgia
The following two video's are of the Everly Brothers singing
"All I have to do is dream"
The first is the original 1958 version and the second was recorded on one their reunion concerts
The harmonies on both are terrific
Personally I like the second slower version










Great American Presidential speeches
[Click on pointer twice to activate]

video

Thursday, September 27, 2007

63
Its time for another blog
Here in Western Australia its a long weekend
The footy grand final is on [Go Cats]
The Perth Royal show starts Saturday
And fine weather is forecast




WHY SOME MEN DIE EARLY




Just for the ladies


Mouse Balls And Mouse Ball inspector
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine.
The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences.
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel
in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."
-------------------------



The Nude Runner


A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when,
to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.

My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ it's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered
he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend
in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who
had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying you clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes," our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you
always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just when it's raining."

[Thanks Josie Jamieson]


Thought this is just one cool photo


Misc cartoons







While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over,
has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward
at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.
So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Welcome to Heaven,” says Saint Peter, “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in; I’m a good Christian; I’m a believer,” says the PM.
“I’d like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself.
He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy,
you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven.
Then you must choose where you’ll live for eternity.”
“But I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” replies Howard.
“I’m sorry … but we have our rules,” Peter interjects.
And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down …
all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.
The sun is shining in a cloudless sky.
The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees.
In the distance is a beautiful club-house.
Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries
who had helped him out over the years —
Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, Billy Snedden, etc.
And everyone is laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, and to reminisce about the good times they
had getting rich at the expense of ’suckers and peasants.’
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a single malt,
“Have a drink John and relax!”
Seeing his hesitancy, the Devil reassures Howard.
“This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry
and it just gets better from there!”
Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil,
who he thinks is a really very friendly cove who tells amusing anecdotes
and pulls hilarious nasty pranks,
kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST
and the Free Trade Agreement promises.
They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it’s time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps into the lift and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit Heaven,” the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people
who enjoy each other’s company,
talk about things other than money and treat each other decently.
Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.
No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it’s not caviar or lobster.
And these people are all poor.
He doesn’t see anybody he knows and he isn’t even treated like someone special.
“Whoa,” he says uncomfortably to himself.
“Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!”
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says,
“Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven.
Now choose where you want to live for eternity.”
With the ‘Deal or No Deal’ theme playing softly in the background,
Howard reflects for a minute . then answers:
“Well, I would never have thought I’d say this —
I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all —
but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.”
So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift again and he goes down, down, down,
all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle
of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together.
They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with tar.
The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,” stammers a shocked Howard,
“Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house
and we ate lobster and caviar and drank single malt whisky.
We lazed around and had a great time.
Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!”
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs,
Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!”



Teddy Bear Hubcaps [Iwant some]





If one docker dockered another docker,
does the docker who dockered the docker
docker the docker the way the docker he is dockering dockers?
Or does he docker the docker the way the docker who dockers dockers?



Zimbabwe where infation is 4000%






One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep,
and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank,
and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious.
"You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried,
"Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie,
You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I also said 'no' to her,
you would have come up with my wife.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives,
and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone,
so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.
"The moral of this story is : Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others..
MOSTLY his wife!
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

When in Greece make sure you have
the correct money or pass for road toll tax

[sent in by Jim King]



There are many words in the English language
that sound the same but which are spelled differently
and have completely different meanings.
For example:
People leading double, discrete lives should be discreet.
Serfs don't surf.
Bears run around bare in the woods.
Jane read 'til her eyes were red.
John led the campaign to get the lead out.
Never pin people with a ballpoint pen.
People with byte problems sometimes yell "Bite me!"
Some scenes should be heard and not seen.
There are wide aisles in the supermarket on the isle.
Tick bites can lead to eye tics.
A angry mite might bite you.
Her firstborn was borne for nine months.
Would you chop wood if you were freezing?
If it looks like you're prey, pray!
Don't read while lying in reeds.
Pigs root out truffles on that route.
Fowl can be some foul things.
In the islands, you can sometimes get a lei and a lay.
Hens labour under the heavy yoke of yolk production quotas.
Try to keep your stationery stationary. Your writing will look neater.






1,010 bikini-clad women have made history by posing on
Australia's Bondi Beach for the world's largest swimsuit photo shoot.
The shoot will appear in the January issue of Cosmopolitan,
on sale Monday December 3,
and will also feature in the next edition of the Guinness World Records book,
out in September 2008.

A rare white koala has received medical treatment in an Australian
animal hospital after suffering blindness caused by chlamydia.
Australian media said the koala, nicknamed Mick,
was found by police and was taken to the Port Macquarie Koala Hospital, north of Sydney.
The koala underwent surgery and was given antibiotics to restore his sight and health.
"He came in with a chlamydial conjunctivitis.
He had very bad conjunctivitis in his eyes.
He's been surgically dealt with. He's had antibiotics and he's looking good,"
Koala Hospital supervisor Cheyne Flanagan told local media.
She said Mick was not an albino, as he had a black nose and yellow eyes,
but was a rare white koala.


Video
The break up has been bitter





SAY NO MORE


Have you already hugged your toilet today

If this doesn't get you footapping and bouncing around the room
and in a great frame of mind for the long weekend ,then there is no more I can do
ELO [Electric Light Orchestra]...Hold on Tight [to your dreams]









Dads Car
click on arrow twice to activate
video

Sunday, September 23, 2007

62

Guess what tomorrow is!!

With one wek to go in the footy finals we are down to the last two teams
Grand final next week is between Geelong Cats and Port Power [South Aussie team]
Never thought I would barrack for a Melbourne team in this competion
Go Cats [Geelong's not really in Melbourne anyway]





POLAR BEAR LIFE IN THE ZOO





He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity centre.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her
and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,
"Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration' she answered:
"Yes, yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges,
they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled.
Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?
He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall, not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'yes' or did you say 'no'?"
He was delighted to hear her say,
"Why, I said, 'yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued,
"And I am so glad that you called,
because I couldn't remember who had asked me."


WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS??




MUSICAL


Anyone know who this is?





Now, I know India beat Australia last night in the 20/20
version of cricket
But here is a funny picture of that up himself batsmen from India
Sachin Tendulkar



THEME PARTY
One weekend, there was a costume party at a mental hospital,
and the theme of the party was "war".
The first patient comes up onto the stage and says, "I am an atomic bomb."
He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I am a hydrogen bomb."
Again, there is a round of applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite."
Everybody in the audience runs away hysterically.
When one of the mental patients was asked why they all ran away, he replied,
"Didn't you see how short his fuse was?"
[pinched from Miss Cellania]
--------------------------



Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session,
she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device.
.. a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him,
"How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy .. . you explain the kids."
[thanks Joan Andony]
--------------------------




The girl of my dreams..a Teddy Bear lover!!!






Talking dog
A young farm lad from Tennessee goes off to college,
but about 1/3 ofthe way through the semester,
he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his daddy.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with!
Why, they actually have a program here at the University of Tennessee
that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 waythrough the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
"but you just won't believe this -
they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented
a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father,
"No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,
Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked,
'So, is your daddy still messin'around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says,
"I hope you SHOT that son of a b*#@ before he talks toyour Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)

-----------------------------------
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
However,their conversation was constantly interrupted by people
describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this,the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do u do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them", replied the lawyer,
"and then i send them a bill".
The doctor was shocked,but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty,
the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox,
he found a bill from the lawyer.

DO YOUR BIT



Good news for us Molly dukers
Left-handers on roll as numbers triple
Left-handedness has reached record levels,
with a more than three fold rise over the past century in the proportion
of those using their left hand to write.
A large-scale historical study of handwriting down the ages by academics
at University College London (UCL) has found that the proportion
of left-handers has gone up from 3%
among those born more than 100 years ago to 11% today.
Chris McManus, professor of psychology at UCL,
said the surge in left-handedness
may be due to a reduction in attempts to coerce naturally left-handed children
into using their right hands.
McManus’s team have reinforced the theory that left-handedness
is growing by analysing film shot about 1900
which shows that only 16% of those living at the beginning of the 20th century
used their left arms to wave, compared with about 24% of people today.
Previously experts had suggested severe discrimination against “gibble-fists”
in the 18th and 19th centuries might have caused their numbers to fall -
before left-handed numbers picked up again
as the fashion for coercing left-handers faded in the latter 20th century.
Even into the 1960s some schoolchildren’s left hands
were tied behind their backs to ensure they wrote with their right.

[ed.. Ihad a teacher in Grade one who used to rap left handers
on the knuckles with a ruler and then stand over you to intimidate you
Didn't work I'm still a molly duker]


Two men were hunting in the woods.
One was a fanatic who hunted as often as possible.
His friend was hunting for the first time.
He didn't want to hurt anything.
After a couple hours, they saw deer tracks.
They soon caught up with the deer.
The deer was slow because it had a terrible infection in one eye.
The eye was swollen closed.
The hunter lifted his gun to shoot the deer.
But his friend begged him to stop.
"Can't you see ...
... that's a bad eye deer?"


-------------------

How I met my wife

A couple of organisations that she belongs too








It's ok , I'm leaving town for a few weeks!!!!!


Here is my favourite part of that cult movie
The Blues Brothers
CAB CALLOWAY..MINNIE THE MOOCHER














Very funny at a fashion show
Listen to these two TV blokes cracking up
click on arrow to activate

video