Sunday, October 28, 2007

73
Daylight saving commenced this morning in most Australian States with exceptions being Quensland and the Northern Territory
All the wowsers, do gooders , the faded curtains, children won't sleep and the cows can't be milked brigade now start their annual whinge, backed up by near sighted politicans and sections of the media
Personally ,I love it and really enjoy the evenings during the summer


cartoon by Jason Chatfield from Loconut .com.au


Do you remember that great colour TV advert that appeared on TV some months back
Well. here it is


And here is a spoof [parody] on that advert

[pinched from "Mad Baggage']


Homeless Teddy Bear


"Hey ,you sure this is how us Bears are mean't to fish"



One day Harry the Bald Eagle waited at the nest for his partner of 10 years, Mary.
He went looking and found her. She had been shot dead by a hunter.
Harry was devastated.
After about six minutes of mourning, he decided he needed to get himself a new playmate,
even if he had to cross the feather barrier.
Eventually he found a lovely Dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was okay, but all the Dove wanted to say was
"I'm a Dove, and I want to love; I'm a Dove, and I want to love."
This got on Harry's nerves, so he booted the Dove and went looking once again.
He found a very sexy Loon and brought her back to the nest.
Once again the sex was great, but all the Loon would say is
"I am a Loon, and I want to spoon. I am a Loon and I want to spoon."
Unnerved once again, Harry booted the Loon and went looking once again.
This time he found a Duck to bring back to the nest.
Again the sex was great, but all the Duck would say was.
...No, the Duck didn't say that.
What's wrong with you?
What the Duck said was,
"I am a Drake, and you made a big mistake!"




AGING............GETTING OLD



THE NICEST THINGS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
It could be a right number.
13. Think about this ... No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES
running around with misshapen tattoos?
(And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.







A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald’s one cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families
and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking:
“Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together,
probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked up to the cash register,
placed his order with no hesitation, and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip
as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. -
They were used to sharing everything .”
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn’t eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin,
the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,
“Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?”
She answered
THE TEETH”
[Thanks Josie Jamieson]





A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile,
then gave him a broom and said,
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."


A piece of cherry chewing gum, strawberry chewing gum
and blackcurrant chewing gum sit at a table in a bar.
A green piece of gum walks in and the cherry gum says
"Who's that?",
and the strawberry gum says
"Don't go near him, he's menthol!"
--------------



Today's Cartoons







------------------------------------


All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough
time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent
that represents any celebrity.
Their Web site is http://www.whorepresents.com/

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers
can exchange advice and views at
http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,
http://www.powergenitalia.com/

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales ,
http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
http://www.cummingfirst.com/

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
http://www.speedofart.com/
[Sent in by Fred Rea...thanks Fred]



ITALIAN PASTA DIET --
IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
[pinched from Gordon Hamiltons club bulletin]




How many Mice does it take to screw in a light bulb????
the hard part is getting them inside the light bulb


What do you call seagulls who live by the sea??????
Bagels








Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown
to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together.
Their talk turns to their position in life, and there's a lot of one-upmanship going on.
The first woman says,
"My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks,"
and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes."
and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you,
we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions,
but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says,
"Girls, I ve got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you.
We're not really going to the French Riviera,
we re going to my parent's house for two weeks."
Then the second woman says,
"Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest,
my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes, he bought me a Taurus."
"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make.
Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."
[thanks Geoff Collins]


Cool Ads



Hear what you like at quick net

Its a small world

For the lovers of Irish Music
The Pogues and the Dubliners....Irish Rover
featuring lead singers Ronnie Drew and Shane McGowan


This is a pretty cool song by James Blunt
Here he is on Sesame street singing a parody
of his hit song You're Beautiful ............[My Triangle]
James Blunt....My Triangle














Mates
Click on pointer to veiw
[Thanks to Chris Bone for this]
video

Thursday, October 25, 2007

72
The weekend looms again
During the week according to the counters on the Right hand side we passed 1000 readers
since I installed those widgets..
Thank you for your support

How to provoke a Polar Bear......wear a seal hat to the underwater world



Drunken Polar Bear

"Next time I'll take the money and not the Bundee!!



I took a dip in the river, but the water's not very deep



What if the Beatles were Irish????



A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers,
spots a good place to stop for a beer.
As he approaches the bar, and sees a big sign on the door that says:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him over and says,
"You smell some kind of nerdy."
He then asks turck driver what he does for a living.
The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck,
and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The bartender serves him a beer and says,
"Ok, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape
around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils,
and a belt that is at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him "Why did you do that?!"
The bartender replied, "Don't worry.
The Nerds are in season because they are overpopulating this whole Silicon Valley.
And hey, You don't even need a license!"
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck,
and heads for the freeway.
Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.
The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers.
The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers.
Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load!
So, remembering what happened in the bar,
he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away.
Believing he is doing the right thing, the truck driver reloads his gun,
ready to tag some more nerds.
While preparing to shoot a bunch more of the little nerdy guys,
a highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out
of his car screaming at him, "STOP!!! STOP!!!"
"What's wrong officer?" asks the truck driver,
"I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman,
"But the limit is one per day, And you can't BAIT EM!!"
--------



Blonde cooking
Dear Diary,
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper.

The recipe said serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

A good day for rice.

The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.
I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again.

I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies.

It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.

He asked me to dress it for Sunday.
I don't have any clothes that fit it,
and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner.

I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
Suddenly I had a flash of genius.
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.
It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.

This has been a very exciting week!
I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom.
If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven,
I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
---------

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the

stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist

who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

"To apply, push up bottom."






Two banned Lynx effect adverts




These were sent to me by my daughter...Thanks Rennae


Stranger At The Window
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking,
jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes,
an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, "Look at he window.
There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said,
"What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled,
"Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry;
the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window
and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled.
He rolled down the window and shakily said,
"Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour,
trying to forget what they had just seen and heard,
when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!"
The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror,
"WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied,
"You want some help getting out of the mud?"

Stone Age Computers







A man called home to his wife and said,
“Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada
with my boss & several of his Friends.
We’ll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I’v been wanting,
so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week
and set out my rod and fishing box,
we’re Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up”
” Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy
but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.
But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?”
You’ll love the answer…

The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box
-------


Irish Jew.
A Dublin Jew who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march,
is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death.
A priest, who happens to be at the march,
takes the man in his arms and says,
“Do you believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?”
The Irish Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says,
“Here I am dying, and he asks me riddles!”
--------------------

CARTOON OF THE WEEK


A dinner speaker at the Rotary meeting was in such a hurry to get to his engagement
that when he arrived and sat down at the head table,
he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem."
With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.
"Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said,
"I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over,
the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid.
Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied,
"I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
-----------
While on the subject of Rotary, here is a plug for my good mate Tom Hoyer
If elected and Tom puts the same dedication to the Senate as he does to Rotary,
then the Carer's party will be a big success
So,Congratulations to Byford & Districts Rotarian Tom Hoyer who has taken up the challenge of standing for election in the Senate on behalf of the new and independent Carers Alliance Party. After 5 years of working with the ARHRF [Australian Rotary Health Research Fund]
"Beyond Blue" education and awareness issues, Tom has translated that National and State urgency into a political platform. If Rotary 'cares and shares', Tom is putting this into action where it is most needed.
Please consider.
In WA, there are 405,000 disabled people, with a further 247,000 carers and families. 91,000 of these carers are now presenting with their own mental and physical disabilities. Country folk are doing it even tougher.
-------------


The woolly mammoth of a sheep who waited three years to be shorn
Last updated at 22:26pm on 22nd October 2007

Perhaps his owner feared being fleeced with the price of a haircut these days.
But after three years without so much as a trim,
Victa the sheep's woolly coat was starting to become a burden.
After a tip-off from neighbours in Melbourne,
the Australian RSPCA stepped in to give Victa -
who was being kept in a back yard to act as a lawnmower
- a much-needed cut.
Despite a few nicks along the way,
Victa is now much happier, said RSPCA shelter supervisor Tamara Brown.

The woolly mammoth was rescued by RSPCA inspectors after neighbours
in Brooklyn, in Melbourne's west, tipped them off this week.
When discovered, he had not been shorn for three years
and if his fleece got wet it weighed up to five times his body weight.
Ms Brown said: "His wool was very heavy.
He really wasn't very mobile and he got tired very quickly."
Domestic sheep were bred to grow wool continuously
and needed to be shorn yearly, she said.
The excess wool could have led to health problems.
"The weight of the wool was putting extra pressure on his joints and
he was having difficulty eating because he couldn't move his head up and down.
Sheep can actually get stuck on the ground if they aren't shorn." Ms Brown said
Victa had perked up considerably since his haircut yesterday.
"He feels a lot better since he's been shorn.
He's certainly got more of a spring in his step.






Three Men
There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian.
All are at the urinals.
The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink
and uses a lot of soap and water and before he leaves.
He says to the others, “In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat.”
The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink
and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean.
He says, “At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat
but still be environmentally aware.”
The third man zips up and heads straight to the door.
The Aussie says over his shoulder,
“In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands.”

Todays videos are some country classics from way back
Marty Robbins.....Singing the Blues
Rare footage of a young Marty Robbins in 1959

Even rarer footage of Hank Williams senior
In the second song on this clip he sings with Anita Carter [June Carter's sister]
Watch the body language between them
Hank Williams [Snr]............... Cold Cold Heart
and with Anita Carter .............I can't help it but
A more upto date video from 1981 from the Oak Ridge Boys
Oak Ridge Boys............Elvira
I know that a lot of my readers are Johnny Cash fans
I was unable to embed this video
But here is a link to a funny version of Oklahoma Hils
Sung by Johnny Cash and Flip Wilson







The Perfect Crime
Click on pointer to watch
video

Sunday, October 21, 2007

71
Sunday is here again and its time to put you in the right mood for another week
Watch these...It might help

The Love Toilet

AmazingJuggler...crank up your sound with this one...great music





Adam was talking to his friend at a bar.
He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.
She has everything, and besides,
she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate
saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled."
So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar, his friend said,
"Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead,
and ran out the door, yelling,
"I'll be back in an hour!"



A Grandfather's Wisdom
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up,
and for me it is a time to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take.
The long drives, the special trips he would make to pick me up
so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give.
The jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice came when I was only 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children
and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.
He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.
"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger."


Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?






A farmer had a horse that could understand nearly anything.
The storyof the horse spread,
and soon scientists showed up to study it.
Sure enough, the horse learned everything that was presented to it,
with one exception:
geometry.
The scientists were puzzled, but the old farmer knew the problem.
They were putting Descartes before the horse!



and this putting the horse before the car




Anybody know who this person is???
--------



New Zealand company offers lifetime of beer for stolen laptop
2 days ago
WELLINGTON (AFP) —

A boutique brewery in New Zealand was reported Thursday
to be offering a lifetime supply of beer in return for a stolen laptop.
The computer, containing designs, creative work, contact details

and financial information, was stolen from the Croucher Brewing Company
in the central North Island city of Rotorua.
Owners Paul Croucher and Nigel Gregory are so desperate to get it back,

they are offering free beer to whoever turns in the person responsible for the burglary, Rotorua's Daily Post newspaper said.
Croucher said the laptop contained important information

and while the company had back-up copies of its work they
were not as up-to-date as the stolen data.
A "lifetime supply" equal to about 12 beers each month was offered

to anyone who could name the thief. Croucher said.

This sign was seen in a paddock in Kiwi land

If you have friends in NZ and don't know what to buy them for Xmas
Here's a suggestion




Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other.

"All these unhappy children and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now.

But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

------------

Confusing set of traffic lights in England

Also in England
[roundabout country of the world]




An American and a Russian are talking about their governments.
"Ours is a free country," says the American.
"Once, I was in Langley, VA, and couldn't find a public restroom,
so I urinated near the CIA headquarters."
"Ours is a free country, too," says the Russian.
"Once, I was on Lubyanka square in Moscow, and couldn't find a public restroom,
so I took a sxxt near the KGB headquarters."
"And you got away with it?" asked the incredulous American.
"Of Course! Nobody saw it...
I didn't even take my pants off."





Nuts
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts",
and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts",
and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". T
hey all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team,
the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts"
and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog,
leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked,
"What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied,
"Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS!"
-----------


The Hottest 35 Men In The World These pictures are just for the girls
Click on the link to view some of the hottest bodies around
Here's one for the women - the hottest 35 men in the world.



continuing with the blasts from the past, we have three music videos today
the first is a song written by Paul McCartney
Is this an Austen Powers look alike?


Peter and Gordon.........A World without love




There unfortunately are not bands like this around anymore
If the drummer looks familiar ..Tony Newman later played with David Bowie

Sounds Incorporated....Rinky Dink and William Tell Overture





This band had a big hit with Tobacco Road
But I used to hammer this song back in the sixties
and when I saw it on You Tube cI couldn't help but post it

Nashville Teens....Google Eye













Today's cartoons











Save Paper..Save the planet






Blogger video
Efficient use of land
click on pointer to activate
video