Phils Phun: October 2007

Sunday, October 28, 2007

73
Daylight saving commenced this morning in most Australian States with exceptions being Quensland and the Northern Territory
All the wowsers, do gooders , the faded curtains, children won't sleep and the cows can't be milked brigade now start their annual whinge, backed up by near sighted politicans and sections of the media
Personally ,I love it and really enjoy the evenings during the summer

cartoon by Jason Chatfield from Loconut .com.au

Do you remember that great colour TV advert that appeared on TV some months back
Well. here it is

And here is a spoof [parody] on that advert

[pinched from "Mad Baggage']

Homeless Teddy Bear

"Hey ,you sure this is how us Bears are mean't to fish"

One day Harry the Bald Eagle waited at the nest for his partner of 10 years, Mary.
He went looking and found her. She had been shot dead by a hunter.
Harry was devastated.
After about six minutes of mourning, he decided he needed to get himself a new playmate,
even if he had to cross the feather barrier.
Eventually he found a lovely Dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was okay, but all the Dove wanted to say was
"I'm a Dove, and I want to love; I'm a Dove, and I want to love."
This got on Harry's nerves, so he booted the Dove and went looking once again.
He found a very sexy Loon and brought her back to the nest.
Once again the sex was great, but all the Loon would say is
"I am a Loon, and I want to spoon. I am a Loon and I want to spoon."
Unnerved once again, Harry booted the Loon and went looking once again.
This time he found a Duck to bring back to the nest.
Again the sex was great, but all the Duck would say was.
...No, the Duck didn't say that.
What's wrong with you?
What the Duck said was,
"I am a Drake, and you made a big mistake!"

AGING............GETTING OLD

THE NICEST THINGS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
It could be a right number.
13. Think about this ... No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES
running around with misshapen tattoos?
(And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald’s one cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families

and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking:

“Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together,

probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked up to the cash register,

placed his order with no hesitation, and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles

and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip

as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - ”

They were used to sharing everything .”
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn’t eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin,

the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,

“Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything.

What is it that you are waiting for?”
She answered

“THE TEETH”
[Thanks Josie Jamieson]

A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile,

then gave him a broom and said,
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager.

"Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

A piece of cherry chewing gum, strawberry chewing gum

and blackcurrant chewing gum sit at a table in a bar.

A green piece of gum walks in and the cherry gum says

"Who's that?",

and the strawberry gum says

"Don't go near him, he's menthol!"

--------------

Today's Cartoons

------------------------------------

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough
time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent

that represents any celebrity.

Their Web site is http://www.whorepresents.com/

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers

can exchange advice and views at

http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at

http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,

http://www.powergenitalia.com/

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales ,
http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is

http://www.cummingfirst.com/

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
http://www.speedofart.com/
[Sent in by Fred Rea...thanks Fred]

ITALIAN PASTA DIET --

IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
[pinched from Gordon Hamiltons club bulletin]

How many Mice does it take to screw in a light bulb????

the hard part is getting them inside the light bulb

What do you call seagulls who live by the sea??????

Bagels

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown

to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together.

Their talk turns to their position in life, and there's a lot of one-upmanship going on.

The first woman says,

"My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks,"

and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes."

and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you,

we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions,

but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says,

"Girls, I ve got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you.

We're not really going to the French Riviera,

we re going to my parent's house for two weeks."

Then the second woman says,

"Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest,

my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes, he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make.

Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."
[thanks Geoff Collins]

Cool Ads

Hear what you like at quick net

Its a small world

For the lovers of Irish Music

The Pogues and the Dubliners....Irish Rover

featuring lead singers Ronnie Drew and Shane McGowan

This is a pretty cool song by James Blunt

Here he is on Sesame street singing a parody

of his hit song You're Beautiful ............[My Triangle]

James Blunt....My Triangle

Mates

Click on pointer to veiw

[Thanks to Chris Bone for this]

Thursday, October 25, 2007

72
The weekend looms again
During the week according to the counters on the Right hand side we passed 1000 readers
since I installed those widgets..
Thank you for your support

How to provoke a Polar Bear......wear a seal hat to the underwater world

Drunken Polar Bear

"Next time I'll take the money and not the Bundee!!

I took a dip in the river, but the water's not very deep

What if the Beatles were Irish????

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers,
spots a good place to stop for a beer.
As he approaches the bar, and sees a big sign on the door that says:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him over and says,
"You smell some kind of nerdy."
He then asks turck driver what he does for a living.
The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck,
and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The bartender serves him a beer and says,
"Ok, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape
around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils,
and a belt that is at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him "Why did you do that?!"
The bartender replied, "Don't worry.
The Nerds are in season because they are overpopulating this whole Silicon Valley.
And hey, You don't even need a license!"
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck,
and heads for the freeway.
Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.
The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers.
The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers.
Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load!
So, remembering what happened in the bar,
he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away.
Believing he is doing the right thing, the truck driver reloads his gun,
ready to tag some more nerds.
While preparing to shoot a bunch more of the little nerdy guys,
a highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out
of his car screaming at him, "STOP!!! STOP!!!"
"What's wrong officer?" asks the truck driver,
"I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman,
"But the limit is one per day, And you can't BAIT EM!!"
--------

Blonde cooking
Dear Diary,
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper.
The recipe said serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

A good day for rice.
The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.
I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again.
I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies.
It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday.
I don't have any clothes that fit it,
and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner.
I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
Suddenly I had a flash of genius.
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.
It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week!
I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom.
If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven,
I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
---------

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist
who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
"To apply, push up bottom."

Two banned Lynx effect adverts

These were sent to me by my daughter...Thanks Rennae

Stranger At The Window
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking,

jumped in the car and started it up.

After a couple of minutes,

an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, "Look at he window.

There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said,

"What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled,

"Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry;

the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window

and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled.

He rolled down the window and shakily said,

"Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour,

trying to forget what they had just seen and heard,

when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!"

The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror,

"WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied,

"You want some help getting out of the mud?"

Stone Age Computers

A man called home to his wife and said,

“Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada

with my boss & several of his Friends.
We’ll be gone for a week.

This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I’v been wanting,

so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week

and set out my rod and fishing box,

we’re Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up”

” Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy

but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.

But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?”
You’ll love the answer…

The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box

-------

Irish Jew.

A Dublin Jew who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march,

is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death.

A priest, who happens to be at the march,

takes the man in his arms and says,

“Do you believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?”

The Irish Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says,

“Here I am dying, and he asks me riddles!”
--------------------

CARTOON OF THE WEEK

A dinner speaker at the Rotary meeting was in such a hurry to get to his engagement

that when he arrived and sat down at the head table,

he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem."
With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.

"Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said,

"I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over,

the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid.

Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied,

"I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

-----------

While on the subject of Rotary, here is a plug for my good mate Tom Hoyer

If elected and Tom puts the same dedication to the Senate as he does to Rotary,

then the Carer's party will be a big success

So,Congratulations to Byford & Districts Rotarian Tom Hoyer who has taken up the challenge of standing for election in the Senate on behalf of the new and independent Carers Alliance Party. After 5 years of working with the ARHRF [Australian Rotary Health Research Fund]

"Beyond Blue" education and awareness issues, Tom has translated that National and State urgency into a political platform. If Rotary 'cares and shares', Tom is putting this into action where it is most needed.

Please consider.

In WA, there are 405,000 disabled people, with a further 247,000 carers and families. 91,000 of these carers are now presenting with their own mental and physical disabilities. Country folk are doing it even tougher.

-------------

The woolly mammoth of a sheep who waited three years to be shorn
Last updated at 22:26pm on 22nd October 2007

Perhaps his owner feared being fleeced with the price of a haircut these days.
But after three years without so much as a trim,

Victa the sheep's woolly coat was starting to become a burden.
After a tip-off from neighbours in Melbourne,

the Australian RSPCA stepped in to give Victa -

who was being kept in a back yard to act as a lawnmower

- a much-needed cut.

Despite a few nicks along the way,

Victa is now much happier, said RSPCA shelter supervisor Tamara Brown.

The woolly mammoth was rescued by RSPCA inspectors after neighbours

in Brooklyn, in Melbourne's west, tipped them off this week.

When discovered, he had not been shorn for three years

and if his fleece got wet it weighed up to five times his body weight.
Ms Brown said: "His wool was very heavy.

He really wasn't very mobile and he got tired very quickly."
Domestic sheep were bred to grow wool continuously

and needed to be shorn yearly, she said.

The excess wool could have led to health problems.
"The weight of the wool was putting extra pressure on his joints and

he was having difficulty eating because he couldn't move his head up and down.

Sheep can actually get stuck on the ground if they aren't shorn." Ms Brown said

Victa had perked up considerably since his haircut yesterday.

"He feels a lot better since he's been shorn.

He's certainly got more of a spring in his step.

Three Men
There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian.

All are at the urinals.

The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink

and uses a lot of soap and water and before he leaves.

He says to the others, “In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat.”

The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink

and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean.

He says, “At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat

but still be environmentally aware.”

The third man zips up and heads straight to the door.

The Aussie says over his shoulder,

“In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands.”

Todays videos are some country classics from way back

Marty Robbins.....Singing the Blues
Rare footage of a young Marty Robbins in 1959

Even rarer footage of Hank Williams senior

In the second song on this clip he sings with Anita Carter [June Carter's sister]

Watch the body language between them
Hank Williams [Snr]............... Cold Cold Heart

and with Anita Carter .............I can't help it but

A more upto date video from 1981 from the Oak Ridge Boys

Oak Ridge Boys............Elvira

I know that a lot of my readers are Johnny Cash fans

I was unable to embed this video

But here is a link to a funny version of Oklahoma Hils

Sung by Johnny Cash and Flip Wilson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e16qGUJ6DCg

The Perfect Crime

Click on pointer to watch

Sunday, October 21, 2007

71
Sunday is here again and its time to put you in the right mood for another week
Watch these...It might help

The Love Toilet

AmazingJuggler...crank up your sound with this one...great music

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar.
He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.
She has everything, and besides,
she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate
saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled."
So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar, his friend said,
"Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead,
and ran out the door, yelling,
"I'll be back in an hour!"

A Grandfather's Wisdom
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up,
and for me it is a time to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take.
The long drives, the special trips he would make to pick me up
so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give.
The jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice came when I was only 12.
We were sitting in a park, watching children
and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.
He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.
"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

A farmer had a horse that could understand nearly anything.
The storyof the horse spread,
and soon scientists showed up to study it.
Sure enough, the horse learned everything that was presented to it,
with one exception:
geometry.
The scientists were puzzled, but the old farmer knew the problem.
They were putting Descartes before the horse!

and this putting the horse before the car

Anybody know who this person is???
--------

New Zealand company offers lifetime of beer for stolen laptop
2 days ago
WELLINGTON (AFP) —
A boutique brewery in New Zealand was reported Thursday
to be offering a lifetime supply of beer in return for a stolen laptop.
The computer, containing designs, creative work, contact details
and financial information, was stolen from the Croucher Brewing Company
in the central North Island city of Rotorua.
Owners Paul Croucher and Nigel Gregory are so desperate to get it back,
they are offering free beer to whoever turns in the person responsible for the burglary, Rotorua's Daily Post newspaper said.
Croucher said the laptop contained important information
and while the company had back-up copies of its work they
were not as up-to-date as the stolen data.
A "lifetime supply" equal to about 12 beers each month was offered
to anyone who could name the thief. Croucher said.

This sign was seen in a paddock in Kiwi land

If you have friends in NZ and don't know what to buy them for Xmas
Here's a suggestion

Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other.
"All these unhappy children and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now.
But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

------------

Confusing set of traffic lights in England

Also in England
[roundabout country of the world]

An American and a Russian are talking about their governments.
"Ours is a free country," says the American.
"Once, I was in Langley, VA, and couldn't find a public restroom,
so I urinated near the CIA headquarters."
"Ours is a free country, too," says the Russian.
"Once, I was on Lubyanka square in Moscow, and couldn't find a public restroom,
so I took a sxxt near the KGB headquarters."
"And you got away with it?" asked the incredulous American.
"Of Course! Nobody saw it...
I didn't even take my pants off."

Nuts
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts",
and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts",
and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". T
hey all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team,
the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts"
and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog,
leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked,
"What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied,
"Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS!"
-----------

The Hottest 35 Men In The World These pictures are just for the girls
Click on the link to view some of the hottest bodies around
Here's one for the women - the hottest 35 men in the world.

continuing with the blasts from the past, we have three music videos today
the first is a song written by Paul McCartney
Is this an Austen Powers look alike?

Peter and Gordon.........A World without love

There unfortunately are not bands like this around anymore
If the drummer looks familiar ..Tony Newman later played with David Bowie

Sounds Incorporated....Rinky Dink and William Tell Overture

This band had a big hit with Tobacco Road
But I used to hammer this song back in the sixties
and when I saw it on You Tube cI couldn't help but post it

Nashville Teens....Google Eye

Today's cartoons

Save Paper..Save the planet

Blogger video

Efficient use of land

click on pointer to activate

Friday, October 19, 2007

Welcome to blog no 70

Last night whilst doing my normal blog [no 69] my computer decided to play silly games

and wouldn't let me upload anything halfway thru the post.

So in frustration I published what I had, and went to bed

To read blog 69 click on sidebar, or Older Post at the end of this blog

In blog 68 there was a video of a bloke walking on water

To find out how it is done, read the comments on blog 68

The first world golf trick shot championships

and for the golfer who has everything

A blonde tried to sell her old car.

She was having a lot of problems selling it,

because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her,

"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette.

"Here is the address of a friend of mine.

He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'.

Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde,

"Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde,

"Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

----------

The Rookie Cop
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.

A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said,

"Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again...

"I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked,

"Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet,

"especially since this is a bus stop!"

------

A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee

was assigned to write a human interest story.

He went into the mountains to do some research.

There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself,

and explained his mission.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?"
After a moment, the farmer said,

"Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost.

We formed a posse and found her.

After we all made love with her, we took her back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed.

"Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and smiled,

"Yep! One time a neighbour's sheep got lost.

We formed a posse and found it.

Then we all made love with it, and then took it back home."
Again, the young man said, "I can't print that, either.

Let's try another approach.

Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed,

and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said,

"This one time, I got lost."
------------------------

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, an officer from the local USAF base walked in

and said to the shopkeeper

"I'll take a 6114 monkey, please.

"The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey.

He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the officer, saying,

"That'll be $2,000, please."

The officer paid and left with the monkey.

The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said,

"That was a very expensive monkey.

Most of them are only a few hundred pounds.

Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered,

"Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls,

score 300 on the Army Personal Fitness Test,

set up a perimeter defence and perform the duties of any warrant officer

with no back talk or complaints.

It's well worth the money".

The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage.

"That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" he asked."

Oh, that one" replied the shopkeeper.

"That's a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey.

It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit,

intermediate, and Depot level, and even do most of the paperwork.

A very useful monkey indeed".

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage.

The price tag was $50,000.

The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together!

What in the world can it do???"

"Actually"- said the shopkeeper-

"I've never actually seen him do anything

but drink beer and play with his little willy,

but his papers say… he's a Pilot."

-We work like a horse.

We eat like a pig.

We like to play chicken.

You can get on someone's goat.

We can be as slippery as a snake.

We get dog tired.

We can be as quiet as a mouse.

We can be as quick as a cat.

Some of us are as strong as an ox.

Some are as ugly as a toad.

We can be as gentle as a lamb.

Sometimes we are as happy as a lark.

Some of us drink like a fish.

We can be as proud as a peacock.

A few of us are as hairy as a gorilla.

You can get a frog in your throat.

We can be a lone wolf.

But I'm having a whale of a time!-----------

Now I know a lot of you like me posting some nostalgia video's

So here we go

Kevin Johnson...Rock and Roll I gave you the best years of my life

Ricky Nelson.........Hello Mary Lou

And today we learnt of the passing of Teresa Brewer

Here she is with a medley of her hits

Teresa Brewer

Thursday, October 18, 2007

69

Since the last blog Prime Minister John Howard has announced that we will be voting on November 24th. Be prepared for 6 weeks of gibberish from all concerned

The biggest story to break this week has been the Ben Cousins saga[West Coast Eagles footballer] He got his just desserts yesterday when the Eagles hierachy finaly sacked him after his latest discretion with the law. Ifeel for the other players of the club who have must be feeling the flak from all this

During the week we lost a soldier in Afghanistan

RIP..... Trooper Daryl Pearce

In the Eastern rural area's of Australia ,some of our farmers are having the most severe and harshest drought for many years

The following poem was sent to me by my good friend Noel Trevaskis

There are some notes about the poet at the end

RAIN FROM NOWHERE

His cattle didn't get a bid; they were fairly bloody poor,

What was he going to do? He couldn't feed them anymore,

The dams were all but dry, hay was thirteen bucks a bale,

Last month's talk of rain was just a fairytale,

His credit had run out, no chance to pay what's owed,

Bad thoughts ran through his head as he drove down Gully Road

"Geez, great grandad bought the place back in 1898,

"Now I'm such a useless bastard, I'll have to shut the gate.

"Can't support my wife and kids, not like dad and those before,

"Christ, Grandma kept it going while Pop fought in the war."

With depression now his master, he abandoned what was right,

There's no place in life for failures, he'd end it all tonight.

There were still some things to do, he'd have to shoot the cattle first,

Of all the jobs he'd ever done, that would be the worst.

He'd have a shower, watch the news, then they'd all sit down for tea

Read his kids a bedtime story, watch some more TV,

Kiss his wife good night, say he was off to shoot some roos

Then in a paddock far away he'd blow away the blues.

But he drove in the gate and stopped - as he always had

To check the roadside mailbox - and found a letter from his Dad.

Now his dad was not a writer, Mum did all the cards and mail

But he knew the style from the notebooks that he used at cattle sales,

He sensed the nature of its contents, felt moisture in his eyes,

Just the fact his dad had written was enough to make him cry.

"Son, I know it's bloody tough, it's a cruel and twisted game,

"This life upon the land when you're screaming out for rain,

"There's no candle in the darkness, not a single speck of light

"But don't let the demon get you, you have to do what's right,

"I don't know what's in your head but push the bad thoughts well away

"See, you'll always have your family at the back end of the day

"You have to talk to someone, and yes I know I rarely did

"But you have to think about Fiona and think about the kids.

"I'm worried about you son, you haven't rung for quite a while,

"I know the road you're on 'cause I've walked every bloody mile.

"The date? December 7 back in 1983,

"Behind the shed I had the shotgun rested in the brigalow tree.

"See, I'd borrowed way too much to buy the Johnson place

"Then it didn't rain for years and we got bombed by interest rates,

"The bank was at the door, I didn't think I had a choice

"I began to squeeze the trigger - that's when I heard your voice.

"You said 'Where are you Daddy? It's time to play our game'

"' I've got Squatter all set up, you might get General Rain.'

"It really was that close, you're the one that stopped me son,

"And you're the one that taught me there's no answer in a gun.

"Just remember people love you, good friends won't let you down.

"Look, you might have to swallow pride and get a job in town,

"Just 'til things come good, son, you've always got a choice

"And when you get this letter ring me, 'cause I'd love to hear yourvoice."

Well he cried and laughed and shook his head then put the truck in gear,

Shut his eyes and hugged his dad in a vision that was clear,

Dropped the cattle at the yards, put the truck away

Filled the troughs the best he could and fed his last ten bales of hay.

Then he strode towards the homestead, shoulders back and head held high,

He still knew the road was tough but there was purpose in his eye.

He called for his wife and children, who'd lived through all his pain,

Hugs said more than words - he'd come back to them again,

They talked of silver linings, how good times always follow bad,

Then he walked towards the phone, picked it up and rang his Dad.

And while the kids set up the Squatter, he hugged his wife again,

Then they heard the roll of thunder and they smelt the smell of rain.

Murray Hartin February 21, 2007

Muzza (Murray Hartin) has been asked to pen something for the Salvation Army

that can bring awareness to the general public about Rural suicide.

He came up with this poem which I think is exceptional,

On a lighter note
Pretty neat prank

Why Men can't fly

Back to our upcoming elections

4days into a 6 week campaign and already Ihad a gutful of the crap

One becomes tuned out and this Ihave done already

Apathy has set in.

switch channels [thank god for remotes]and flick thru the pages and pages of dribble in the newspapers

Now Iam not picking on John Howard ,he is just a nice, easy target

If Labour win the election then we will pick on them

Politicans are fair game

For the next six weeks every polly , TV presenter and journalist should be issued

with one of these

And thats the last you will hear about the elections on this blog until its all over....Boring

Gladys Dunn recently moved into a retirement community in a small town.0

One beautiful Sunday morning she walked down the street

to a church not far from her apartment.

Gladys was in awe of the big beautiful church building as she stepped

inside to attend the worship service.

Gladys however, wasn't too impressed with the sermon.

She thought itwas kind of boring and,

as she looked around the church,

she noticed that many of the members were nodding off.

When the preacher finished his sermon he encouraged the

congregation to greet those sitting close by.

Gladys turned toward the man sitting on her left.

He, too, had fallen asleep and was yawning

and stretching trying to wake up.

He smiledat her, and Gladys returned the smile.

She politely offered her hand and said,

"I'm Gladys Dunn."

"You and me both!" the man replied.

[Stolen from Big Shot Bob in Texas]

Every one loves a Pepsi

Old and Tired

Tired Man

My Perfect Woman

...Spotted at this years Ocktoberfest in Germany

She can put her Beers on my table anytime

Cartoons for those who need help

[pinched from Miss Cellania]

Cool Cloud Photo

Mission Impossible

Stupidity

Sunday, October 14, 2007

68
It has been a glorious, sunny spring weekend of weather here in the West
At long last we may have seen the end of the rain for awhile
Temperatures in the high 20's [celsius]
Almost time crank up the barbie and get the old beach towel out

Dancing Chimps

Saw this on Miss Cellania's site ...Just for you Fred Rea

Barry and Stuart...Walking on water

If you can't work out how this done let me know and Iwill tell you

If you do know .post a comment and tell me and we will see if you are correct

--------

A man arrives at Ben Gurion International Airport in Israel with twolarge bags.

A customs agent stops him, opens one bag and finds it full with money in different currencies.

The agent asks the passenger: "How did you get this money?"

The man says: "You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe

and went into all the public restrooms that I could.

Eachtime I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and said, "Donate money to Israel

or I will cut off your balls."

The customs agent is stunned and mumbles:

"Well...it's a very interesting story............. What do you have in the other bag?"

The man says: "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel.

-----

SHOPPING WITH THE WIFE

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and
Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm,"muses the Brit.

"They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're n a k e d, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out,

"they have only an apple
to eat, and they're being told this is paradise.

They are Russian."

Paddy and his wife were in bed trying to get to sleep when the neighbours
dog began to bark.

After 15 minutes of constant barking, Paddy bounds out of bed.

"I'm going to go and see about that dog".
Not five minutes later Paddy is back in bed,

and the dog can still be heard barking.

His wife says, "Paddy your back, what did you Do?"

Paddy says,

"I put him in our yard.

Let them put up with it for a while."

It's election time in Australia soon , so this is very apt

Little Johnny will try anything

Blonde Pole dancing

[Thanks Fred Rea]

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort, he reached the top,

jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again,

while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

This guy goes to visit his doctor and says,

"Doctor, my arm hurts real bad.

Can you check it out, please?"

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk:

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm, "could you lend me twenty dollars? I'm desperate.

"The doctor says,

"Aha, I see the problem!

Your arm is broke."

CARTOON OF THE WEEK

10 Year old Blues

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid,

I'll have nothing left to live for"
[Thanks to Glynis Geen and Chris Bone who both sent this to me]

Animals around the world are losing their habitat due to climate change

By chosing a hybrid or fuel efficient car you can help prevent this

A lion was roaming an African jungle.

He was terribly hungry.

Soon, he came across two men sitting under a tree.

One was pounding away on a typewriter.

The other was reading a book.

The lion devoured the man reading the book.

He avoided the writer.

Even lions know...

...that readers digest and writers cramp.

Misc Cartoons

The Art of Dating
Chineses Piaomei

First date You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Again, Nothing Happens!

Third date You usually don't get up to third date beacuse you are smart enough to realize that nothing is ever going to happen

INDIAN MINACHI

First date Meet her parents.

Second date Set the date of the wedding.

Third date Wedding night

MALAY MINYAH

First date You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third Date She moves in. One week later, her father,

her 4 mothers, her 18 sisters, her 20 brothers, all of their kids,

her 16 grandmas, her father's girlfriend's mother,

her 268 cousins all move in.

But don't worry you can repeat this 4 times. ;-)

WHITE MARY

First Date You both get drunk and have sex.

Second Date You both get drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary You both get drunk and have sex.

ARAB AL-KATIJAH

First Date Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends

and entire arab community finds out.

Second Date You are shot dead.

Third date Not Applicable

[Thanks Pushpa]

Today's music is two videos from Abba

One of the most suceesful groups worldwide in their prime

They are third in the world with record sales of over 370 million

Only Elvis Presley and The Beatles have had more sales

ABBA...I have a dream

Just love the part towards the end when the sing with all those kids

This second video Ihave posted before

Here is the Karaoke version, so you can sit in front of your computer and sing along with them

Go on you can do it

ABBA.......Chiquitita

Thursday, October 11, 2007

67
G'day to all the readers of Phils Phun
By the time most of you read this, it will be Friday or into the weekend
Latest sporting Goss is that the Aussies beat India in Game 5 of the limited overs matches being played in India
Former West Coast Eagle player Chris Judd today became a Carlton player
in a deal reported to be worth 7million dollars for him over years
Eagles got two Carlton Draughts[Beer]...Drafts

Extremely funny

Love these two blokes

Good to see some new original basic comedy

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital,

the Allergists voted to scratch it

and the Dermatologists advised, no rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it,

but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve,

and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted;

the Pathologists each yelled, “Over my dead body,”

while the Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,

the Surgeons decided to wash their hands off the whole thing

and the Radiologists could see right through it!
The Physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow;

and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,

but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas

and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say, ‘no.’
The dentists clenched their teeth and showed their disapproval.
In the end,

the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.

---------

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island
who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
-------------

THE GIRLS PRAYER

OUR CASH

WHICH ART ON PLASTIC

HALLOWED BE THY NAME

THY CARTIER WATCH

THY PRADA BAG

IN HARRODS

AS IT IS IN SELFRIDGES

GIVE US EACH DAY OUR PLATINUM VISA

AND FORGIVE US OUR OVERDRAFT

AS WE FORGIVE THOSE THAT STOP US SPENDING

AND LEAD US NOT UNTO MARKET STALLS

BUT DELIVER US UNTO LOUIS VUITTON

FOR THINE IS THE GUCCI

THE DIOR AND THE ARMANI

FOR CHANEL No 5 AND ETERNITY

AMEX

THE BOYS PRAYER

OUR BEER

WHICH COMETH IN BOTTLES

HALLOWED BE THY ALE

THY WILL BE DRUNK

I WILL BE DRUNK

AT HOME AS WE ARE IN THE PUB

GIVE US EACH DAY OUR DAILY BEVERAGE

AND FORGIVE US OUR SPILLAGES

AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILLAGE AGAINST US

AND LEAD US NOT INTO POOFY WINEBARS

OR DETRACT US FROM REAL ALE

FOR MINE IS THE BITTER

THE TOTTY AND THE FOOTY

FOREVER AND EVER

BARMEN
[ThanksRon Wilson]

What's slippery, lives in the sea

and loves Dean Martin?

That's a Moray!

thats probably thec worst joke ever!!!

Ifound it

Cartoons [Misc]

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the behaviour that was going on.

So he called one of his angels to go to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God,
"Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said,

"Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.

Whenthe angel returned he went to God And said,

"Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% arebeing good."
God was not pleased.

So he decided to email the 5%, who were good,

because He wanted to encourage them,

give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the email said?

No

Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either....

Apparently, God can't handle money and he needs yours

Don't forget he loves you

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day,

so I called the Help Hotline.

I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and

wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane....
[pinched from Big Shot Bob in Texas]

STOP GLOBAL WARMING

Mad Cow Disease Explained
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only have sex with the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information,

but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this:

if I'm playing with your boobs twice a day,

but only having sex once a year,

wouldn't you go mad, too?"

[Sent in by Ron Wilson..Thanks Ron..Ihad to clean it up a bit!!]
--------------

[An oldie ,but Goldie from Jim King]
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee

when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long Black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse

about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you,

but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.

Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered,

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue"

I was checking out Big Shot Bob in Texas Blog a couple of days ago and saw this video posted

Its the latest from John Fogerty

You will notice a couple of his sons in the video

John Fogerty...Don't you wish it was true

And for those who want to see some more older nostalgia

This is for you

The Hollies ....He ain't heavy,He's my brother

Smoking Kills

Click twice on the pointer to view

Sunday, October 7, 2007

66
Welcome to Blog 66
Well, I certainly put the mockers on the Aussie Rugby team
They were beaten last night by the Poms[who played very well]
In another upset the Kiwi's were also knocked out by France
So, there's no more bragging coming from here
Below is a collection of faces for your week

One out of every Ten men is Gay

Hands up all those who remember the Flip Wilson show on Telly
Here is an excerpt from the show where he is hamming it up with Muhammed Ali
Flip is Geraldine

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened.
I'm trying to break this gently but your bits were chopped off inthe wreck
and we were unable to find them.
'Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on,
'You've got $9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology
now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact.
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.
It's a thousand dollars an inch.
'The bloke perks up at this.
'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.I mean,
if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nineincher
she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before and decide only to invest in a five incher
this time she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.
'So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?
''I have.' says the fellow.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has' says the bloke.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

. .'We're having a new kitchen'.
---------------
[sent in by Chris Bone..Thanks Chris]

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity,
one from Mississippi and the other from Texas,
were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion.
The Mississippian said,
"When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The lady from Mississippi continued,
"When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile
you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband
bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion,
"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried.
"Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying,
'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say,
'Well, isn't that nice?'"

Some wedding cartoons

and I think this related to the above

One day the wife and I were discussing anger management.
And I asked her, 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back.

How do you control your anger?'
She said, 'I clean the toilet bowl.'
I asked, 'How does that help?'
She said, 'I use your toothbrush'
[thanks Miss Cellania]

Lunchtime

Lol

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks,

looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,
"Piss off, ye'll no bring it back!"

The par: 200,000 trees

Building a single golf course puts thousands of trees at stake

However in Turkey they are planning to build several golf courses

simultaneosly

----------------

Aussies Take Control Of Iraq's Oil

The Aussie Navy has just assumed responsibility (it works on a rotating basis)

for protecting Iraq's offshore oilfields,

which currently generate about 90% of the country's GDP.

This is a huge honour for the Australian armed forces,

and a great use of our taxpayer dollars.

One day Iraq will have its own Navy, patrol its own waters and defend its own resources.

One day Iraqis will thank us for all the hard work we are doing to

bring Corporatized Democracy to their doorstep.

Yeah!Right

---------------------------

When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm.

One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife

with eggs and fish for breakfast.

Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs.

There were only six.

On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificient large-mouth bass.

He wasn't sure how to carry everything---then he had an idea.

He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home.

Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry looking wolf.

Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine,

he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree.

From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all, and ran off.

When Carson got back home empty handed,

he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson, who responded, saying,

"You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."

A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquiredtwo new dogs,

and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one

was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?

"Whereupon the blonde responded,

"What else you gonna name watch dogs?"

------------

A blonde was driving home after a football game,

and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.

Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,

and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees

and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.

Nothing happened.

She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,

"What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed

her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,

"HELLLLOOO... You need to roll up the windows!"
------------

The Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,

expertly tailored black suit.

The blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue,

and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says,

"I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit

with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician,

"Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.You did an excellent job

and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size

was brought in shortly after you left yesterday,

and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,

and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads."

And on that morbid note read the following which Ifound very interesting

20 Things You Didn't Know About... Death
Newsflash: we're all going to die.

But here are 20 things you didn't know about kicking the bucket.
by LeeAundra Temescu

1 The practice of burying the dead may date back 350,000 years, as evidenced by a 45-foot-deep pit in Atapuerca, Spain, filled with the fossils of 27 hominids of the species Homo heidelbergensis, a possible ancestor of Neanderthals and modern humans.

2 Never say die: There are at least 200 euphemisms for death, including "to be in Abraham's bosom," "just add maggots," and "sleep with the Tribbles" (a Star Trek favorite).

3 No has died of old age since 1951.

4 That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates.

5 The trigger of death, in all cases, is lack of oxygen. Its decline may prompt muscle spasms, or the "agonal phase," from the Greek word agon, or contest.

6 Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. Ruptured cells become food for living bacteria in the gut, which release enough noxious gas to bloat the body and force the eyes to bulge outward.

7 So much for recycling: Burials in America deposit 827,060 gallons of embalming fluid—formaldehyde, methanol, and ethanol—into the soil each year. Cremation pumps dioxins, hydrochloric acid, sulfur dioxide, and carbon dioxide into the air.

8 Alternatively . . . A Swedish company, Promessa, will freeze-dry your body in liquid nitrogen, pulverize it with high-frequency vibrations, and seal the resulting powder in a cornstarch coffin. They claim this "ecological burial" will decompose in 6 to 12 months.

9 Zoroastrians in India leave out the bodies of the dead to be consumed by vultures.

10 The vultures are now dying off after eating cattle carcasses dosed with diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory used to relieve fever in livestock.

11 Queen Victoria insisted on being buried with the bathrobe of her long-dead husband, Prince Albert, and a plaster cast of his hand.

12 If this doesn't work, we're trying in vitro! In Madagascar, families dig up the bones of dead relatives and parade them around the village in a ceremony called famadihana. The remains are then wrapped in a new shroud and reburied. The old shroud is given to a newly married, childless couple to cover the connubial bed.

13 During a railway expansion in Egypt in the 19th century, construction companies unearthed so many mummies that they used them as fuel for locomotives.

14 Well, yeah, there's a slight chance this could backfire: English philosopher Francis Bacon, a founder of the scientific method, died in 1626 of pneumonia after stuffing a chicken with snow to see if cold would preserve it.

15 For organs to form during embryonic development, some cells must commit suicide. Without such programmed cell death, we would all be born with webbed feet, like ducks.

16 Waiting to exhale: In 1907 a Massachusetts doctor conducted an experiment with a specially designed deathbed and reported that the human body lost 21 grams upon dying. This has been widely held as fact ever since. It's not.

17 Buried alive: In 19th-century Europe there was so much anecdotal evidence that living people were mistakenly declared dead that cadavers were laid out in "hospitals for the dead" while attendants awaited signs of putrefaction.

18 Eighty percent of people in the United States die in a hospital.

19 If you can't make it here . . . More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered.

20 It is estimated that 100 billion people have died since humans began.

Awesome Toilet

Here's the outside of a crazy toilet in Houston,Texas

...very reflectiony right?

And here's the inside!! [below]

That's right!

It's made entirely of one-way glass!

No one can see you from the outside,

but when you are inside it's like sitting in a clear glass box!

Now would you...

COULD YOU... use it?

Work

Just as well my won't be reading this blog

Today I am posting two country Classics for your enjoyment

Hope you like them as much a I do

The Bellamy Brothers...If I said you had a beautiful body

John Denver....Some days are Diamonds

Blogger video

Be careful where you lay yourself down to sleep after a few beers

DOUBLE CLICK ON POINTER TO PLAY VIDEO

Thursday, October 4, 2007

65

Any body home??

Its almost the weekend again
We can't talk about the footy anymore
Perhaps we can have a go at the Indian cricket team who are playing the Aussies
[ in India] in the best of seven limited overs games
Or we could get stuck into the Poms who play the Aussies this weekend in a
Quarter final of the World Rugby Union Cup

Subject: England rugby team investigated by Police
England rugby practice was delayed for two hours this afternoon after a player reported finding a white powdery substance on the practice ground.
Head coach Ashton immediately suspended practice while the police were called to investigate.
After a complete forensic search Scotland Yard determined that the white stuff which was unknown to the players was in fact the try line.
Practice was continued as police were happy the players were unlikely to encounter the substance again.
[thanks Jim King]

Anyway ,have a great weekend

Very clever and totally hilarious
The Mum song...to the tune of The William Tell Overture

Nick the Dragon Slayer
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a compelling obsession to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous bosom, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio,the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer
to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a tiny amount into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that the only antidote
to such an itch was contained in a rare type of saliva.
The agent acted slowly and only if it was applied continuously for four hours.
Tests had shown that only one person in the kingdom produced this rare agent,
and that was Nick the Dragon Slayer.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote
for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth,and for the next four hours,
Nick dedicatedly worked on the Queen's magnificent bosom.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved,
and Nick the Dragon Slayer left her presence and was touted by the King as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician
demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less,
and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King,
shooed him away with no recompense.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underpants.
The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer....
[pinched from the Rotary club of Maddington's bulletin...thanks Gordon Hamilton]
----------------------------

[The following 4 cartoons were sent in by Franziska Forrer...thanks]

Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace,

"My Private Part' died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a
little crazy, she replied,

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
with his 'Private Part' hanging out of his pajamas,

when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your 'Private Part back inside your pajamas."
"But Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace,

"I told you yesterday that my 'Private Part' died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

(You're gonna love this .)

"Well", he replied,
"Today's the viewing."
[another one from Jim King]