91

Back in the city after a few days away
2008 is just around the corner
May it be all you hope for

Funny Man Jim Carrey with some of his zany humour for New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR .......in English!

koll sana w enta taeb....in Arabic!

FELIÇ ANY NOU......in Catalan!

Xin Nian Kuai Le....in Chinese !

Felican Novan Jaron....in Esparanto!

Bonne Annee....in French!

Bo Nadal e Feliz Aninovo....in Galician!

Prosit Neujahr....in German!

Kenourios Chronos...in Greek!

Boldog Ooy Ayvet...in Hungarian!

Selamat Tahun Baru....in Indonesian!

Felice anno nuovo....in Italian!

Akimashite Omedetto Gozaimasu....in Japanese!

Saleh now ra tabrik migouyam...in Persian !

Szczesliwego Nowego Roku...in Polish !

Feliz Ano Novo.....in Portugese!

AN NOU FERICIT.....in Romanian !

S Novim Godom....in Russian! Feliz Ano ~Nuevo.....in Spanish!

GOTT NYTT ÅR! /Gott nytt år!.....in Swedish !

Naya Saal Mubbarak Ho....in Urdu!

Any others??

SOME GOLDEN OLDIES

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. 'Phone answering machine message - " . . . If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. "'Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down". "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. A man goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Now don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go to those places anymore"


Cartoons

A young gay man named Howard telephones his mother.

"Mum, I've decided to go back into the closet.

I've met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married.

What do you think of this news?

You'll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to you."

She responds, "I'm very glad, Howard.

I suppose it would be too much to hope that she's a Jewish girl?"

Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish, mum,

but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."

"So what's her name?"

"Monica Lewinsky".

There is a pause, then his mother asks,

"What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

Pun-tificating
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. [That's a story that lens itself.]

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

His parents thought he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Round three

This video of Roy Orbison is for all those fans out there[like Ray Stewart]

Roy Orbison...I can't stop loving you



Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for? Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the

"Honorable" in front of your name.

Not a damn thing.

----------

A man is waiting in the doctor's office.

A casual aquaintance walks in and sits down next to him, and asks,

"W-w-w what are y-y-y you d-d-d doing here?"

The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W-w-why d-d do y-y-you w-w-want to s-s-s-see him?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."

"A p-p-prostate p-p-problem? W-w-what's th-th-that?"

"I pee like you talk."

Cartoon of the Week

New-year.in





For all those Docker supporters out there

Gaze into this purple illusion and strange things might enter your mind!!!

[the Dockers are local Football team whose colours are predominatly purple]

And I think to myself

Its a wonderful World

New-year.in




Eye Test For Senior Men

Please read the bottom line

FRENCH CULTURE

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.

A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included

admirals in both the US and the French navies.

At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that

included an admiral from each of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.

He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences

rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.

"Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."

--------

INNER STRENGTH

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!


Funny Signs
Oxymoron

Flunked again

Clever business signs

At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a Plumbing Company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

---------

Am going to end the year with three songs from my No 1 Female singer

Judith Durham

As Aussie's we should be very proud our Judith [and the Seekers]

A very talented singer with the voice of an angel

Speak to the Sky

Keep a dream in your Pocket

Time and Again

90
Posting a day early again, as am off to Jurien Bay again to work for a few days
Christmas 2007 has come and gone
Record breaking temperatures here in the West, the past two days with the mercury
rising to over 40 degrees Celsius.. [44 today]
Bloody hot... Air conditioner is working overtime

Funny Video

Warning..may offend some

Todays Cartoons

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

"Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied.

"Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him,

"Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen.

He returned in a few minutes and said,

"No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said,

"I cannot believe there are no Jews in China.

Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again

."I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.

"We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews,

but we have no Chinese Jews."




Mummy Spider and babies

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather

settled down for a day's sunbathing.

He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief.

He could hardly stand the pain.

He decided to go to the doctor for treatment.

The doctor looked at his lobster-coloured legs and shook his head.

"You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility," he explained.

"I've really got nothing at all to help you.

However, try taking this just before bedtime..."

The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.

Puzzled, the man asked,

"I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"

"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied,

"but it will keep the sheets off your legs."

-------

The woman knelt in the confessional and said,

"Bless me, father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.

Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at her and said,

"My dear, I have good news.

That isn't a sin--it's only a mistake."

Nothing is safe...not even on Mars

Try telling this one after a few drinks........

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?

A winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?

A bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?

A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?

A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?

A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?

Talented

-------

This is an incredible story.

Read to the end to see the photos.

A bear was walking across the " Rainbow Bridge" in Truckee California,

on the I-80,California /Nevada State line,

when two cars also crossed the bridge from both directions.

The bear was so scared, with no place to run, made a leap over the side of the bridge.

The motorists stopped their cars in horror of what just happened

and ran to the edge to see how badly the bear was injured.

To their amazement, they saw that bear had somehow grasped the lower ledge

of the bridge support as it fell and pulled itself b ack up.

The authorities were notified that night and after making an assessment,

they decided there was nothing that could be done until the following morning.

Authorities returned at day break to find the bear sleeping on the led ge of the bridge support.

A large, construction style,safety net was hung under the bridge

and the bear was shot with a tranquildart then safely lowered to the ground below.

The first line sounds like the opening of a bad joke but here are the pictures...

[Thanks to Peter Pelham for this]



What a Wonderful World

Punctuation is very important
Dear John:I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours? Gloria

Dear John:I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria

Yet, the only difference is the punctuation.

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked,

"Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences,

and branding cattle, so I guess I am.

"She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.

When I shower, I think about women.

As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women.

Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old Cowboy and asked,

"Are you a real Cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was,

but I just found out I'm a lesbian"

------------

Female urologist

There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US.

But now a few women have entered the field.

A man goes to a female urologist for an exam.

The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today,

but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees,

then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy obeys and says, "99!!!"

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side, bend your knees and again,

while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."

Again, the guy says, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand

and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your "unit."

Now take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy says, "One..two...three..."

Today's Music

Something to brighten your holidays

Boney M ....Hooray Hooray Its a Holly Holiday!

and Debbie Harry from 1979

Blondie...Heart of Glass

89
Christmas 2007 is almost upon us
Father Christmas wishes you and your family all the best for the festive season

Seen leaving the Foster Carers annual childrens party

Thats Dave on his Harley-Davison

[picture courtesy of Colin Devlin..thanks Col]

Silent Night...Enya

Jingle Bells.....Cool

OOMSA.com - video powered by Metacafe

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco.

The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus

was missing from among the figures of the nativity set.

Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon,

and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said,

"Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas

I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon

for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

---

Some Christmas Cartoons

If you are one of those who leave your shopping until the last minute

Beware

Gifts

Some bizzare Christmas gift ideas

For the man who is into toys

I reckon I should buy about 100 of these and distribute them

Novel gift for the wife

Novel gift for the man

Now, I won't dob in the person that sent me this Christmas list

However, I might print it out and hang it on the fridge

Train Snow Plough

Two sea monsters were swimming around the ocean,

looking for somethingto do.

They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes.

Bob,the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over

and ate everything on the ship

.A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes.

Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything on board.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes

and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him,

"Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

Bob replied,"I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start.

Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering

of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State.

She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every

Native American's present standard of living,

should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator,

how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan,

she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas

for helping her "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of her speech,

the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name -

Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade,

waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come

to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given

to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

------


Concentrate...

How many circles can you see?

There are quite a few

Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 yearsago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it", he tells his wife.

"I'm giving up golf. Myeye sight has got so bad...

once I've hit the ball, I can'tsee where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cup of tea.

As they sit down she says,

"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".

"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife,

"but his eyesight is perfect"

.So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course withhis brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down thefairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law.

"Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur

."I can't remember".
[thanks to Robert Doohan]

Cartoon of the Week

Mural

You have to look at this and once you have the mural open on your screen -

click on any square and see the detail open before your eyes -

WOW

Have a look at this phenomenal work done on a mural in Cochrane Alberta.

Cochrane is a nice western style country town about 14 kilometers north west of Calgary.

Due to the heavy influx of people moving to Alberta (about 3000 per month)

Calgary has become overcrowded and housing is at a premium.

As a result more people are finding homes outside the city in nearby towns and communities. Cochrane is one of these communities

that has become of late a residential community for many people with working jobs in Calgary. This tile mural is a recent artistic project completed in their town.

It is an amazing piece of work.....if you look at each tile individually....

you can see how extremely different they all are.....

yet someone was able to assemble all the tiles together to form one large mural

This mural was unveiled recently at the Cochrane Ranche House.

Each tile is 1 foot square, is it's own individual picture and each is by a different artist.

All of them together form this huge mural.

You can click on each of the tiles to see them in detail. Check out the horse's eye.

Click here: Town of Cochrane Mural Mosaic
[thanks to Geoff Collins for this link]


For the Golfers out there

Its now easier to get a hole in one

Should be just nice for Robert Pearce

Lawyers!!

A LAST WISH

An elderly spinster called a lawyer's office and told the receptionist

she wanted to see a lawyer about having a will prepared

. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time

for the spinster to come into the office.

The spinster replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone,

and I don't like to go out.

Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and

he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was,

"Would you please tell me what you have in assets

and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?

"She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,

I have $100,000 in my savings account at the bank."

The lawyer asked, "How would you like the $100,000 distributed?"

The spinster said, "As I have told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people hardly noticed me,

so I'd like to spend $95,000 on my funeral.

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $95,000 you will be able to have a funeral

that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression!

But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life

and in fact I've never slept with a man.

Before I die, I'd like to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said,

"but I'll see what I can do and get back with you."

That evening the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster

and her weird request.

After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000,

and with a bit of coaxing,

she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

The next morning she drove him to the spinster's house

and waited while he went into the house.

She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out.

So she blew the car horn.

Shortly the upstairs bedroom window opened,

the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled,

"Pick me up in a couple of days!

She's going to let the County bury her!"

---

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?

A: Your honor.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

A: His partners.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?

A: Not enough cement.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

A: Chelsea Clinton

Q: How does an attorney sleep?

A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.

Q: What's the difference between a shame and a pity?

A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that's known as a pity.

If there were any empty seats, that's a shame.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?

A: Just say, "Fees!"

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

---

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night,

when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil said to the lawyer,

“I have a proposition for you.

You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.

Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you,

and you will make embarrassing sums of money.

All I want in exchange is your soul,

your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents,

and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.”
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
“So, what’s the catch?”
---------

The truth is out

The last of the Xmas Cartoons

Mexico Drops Out Of Olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico

will not participate in the next Summer Olympics .

He said that,

"Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."



Think about it!!!!!

Music video for today

Tommy and Phil Emannuel

If you think you can play the guitar

Then ,watch and learn

Here they are playing an Irish and Scottish medley

[Thanks to Fred Rea for this]

Santa and Friend on Wednesday

Thanks to my good friend Arthur Manser for this delightful picture

88
A day early this week ,as Iwill be missing in action for the next two days
Have some Xmas festivities to attend to
Enjoy this edition




Little Drumer Boy....Bob Seger



Lyrics
Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum
To set before the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
So to honor Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
When we come.
Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give the King,
pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Shall I play for you,
pa rum pum pum pum,
On my drum?
Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my drum for Him, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.



Santa and Reindeers ....... I'm dreaming of a White Christmas

[Thanks to Geoff Collins]

Another club
A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead rhino

with a pigmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".

The pigmy said "Yes."

The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

Said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."

Penguin Xmas Club

Snoopy vs The Red Baron ......Xmas song



Worth thinking about

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them,

"I must tell you something.

We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," says an elderly nun in the back.

"I’m so tired of chardonnay."

---------

Three priests went for a hike one day.

It was very hot.

They were sweating and were exhausted when they came upon a small lake.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom".

As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time,

two of the priests covered their privates,

but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on,

the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The third replied, "I do not know about you, but in my congregation,

it is my face they would recognize."

Some more Xmas cartoons

Thrre little pigs...Mistake

Thanks to Josie Jamieson]





The Indian Cricket team has arrived in Australia to play three tests against the Aussies

So I thought I would get in first with the "sledging"

Here are a couple of them with their look a likes

You gotta love Australian thinking….
A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position,

so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down

to three people from different parts of the World.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question

to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude.

The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man,

and the man is lying on his side Facing the woman’s back.

What is the man’s name?
After the 24 hours was up,

the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Canada, says “My answer is, there IS no answer.”

The second, from New Zealand, says “My answer is, that

there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.”

The third one from Australia says

“I’m not exactly sure, butI have it narrowed down to two names.

It’s either:
Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.”

The Australian got the job…

--------

Santas new Apprentice
With the worlds population growing at a huge rate…

Santa recently employed an Apprentice to help relieve the load

off delivering presents on Christmas Eve.
For the past 3 years poor Santa has only just made it through his deliveries…
So Ladies

this year Santa has asked me to introduce you to

Tim!
Santa's new apprentice

Although the Elves have not yet finished his uniform he very kindly agreed

to have his photo taken anyway… even though he was well and truly tired
If you see him at your place Christmas Eve under your tree do not be alarmed….

if you catch him you get a special surprise….
Tim is also available for Christmas Photos!
so Ladies any takers to sit Santas new apprentice's knee ?
Scroll down

“ This woman rushed to see her doctor,

looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me.

When I woke up this morning,

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up,

my skin was all wrinkled and pasty,

my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out,

and I had this corpse-like look on my face!

What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes,

then calmly says:

“Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

----

Round two

Todays music videos are some classics from the 70's

Smokie....Oh Carol

Captain and Tenille...... Do that to me one more time

Just love Tenille's hot and sultry voice

and Smokie again

Smokie.....Mexican Girl

A CYCLOPEDIA OF FRENCH JOKES"

I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."

- General George S. Patton.

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."

- Norman Schwartzkopf.

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."

- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"

- Jacques Chirac, former President of France

"The only time France wants others to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."

- Regis Philbin.

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." -

David Letterman

The only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.

- Ted Nugent.

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag,

and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."

- Argus Hamilton

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'

- Roy Blunt

Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are French.

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris?

It's not known, it's never been tried."

- Rep. R. Blount (MO)

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney: The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists

87
Its blog time again
Have been working all day so am posting this whilst enjoying a beer or two
The unusual December weather continues with rain for most of today
Here is another Christmas Carol for you to enjoy



Boney M ........Mary's boy child





Lyrics
Mary's boy child Jesus Christ,
was born on Christmas Day.
And man will live for evermore,
because of Christmas Day.
Long time ago in Bethlehem,
so the Holy Bible say,
Mary's boy child Jesus Christ, was born on Christmas Day.
Hark, now hear the angels sing,
a king was born today,
And man will live for evermore,
because of Christmas Day.
Mary's boy child Jesus Christ, was born on Christmas Day.
While shepherds watch their flocks by night,
they see a bright new shining star,
they hear a choir sing a song,
the music seem to come from afar.
Hark, now hear the angels sing,
a king was born today,
And man will live for evermore,
because of Christmas Day.
For a moment the world was aglow,
all the bells rang out there were tears of joy and laughter,
people shouted "Let everyone know, there is hope for all to find peace."
Now Joseph and his wife,
Mary, came to Bethlehem that night,
they found no place to bear her child,
not a single room was in sight.
Hark, now hear the angels sing,
a king was born today,
And man will live for evermore,
because of Christmas Day.
Mary's boy child Jesus Christ, was born on Christmas Day.
Oh a moment still worth was a glow,
all the bells rang out there were tears of joy and laughter,
people shouted
"let everyone know, there is hope for all to find peace".




Wrong Gift









Another incredible bird photo



Some more Xmas cartoons

Some Xmas funnies
In a small southern town in the USA there was a "Nativity Scene"

that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation,

I left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town,

I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me,

"You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did,

but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages,

and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said

"See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."

----

"Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights

.4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.

5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.7.

A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.

9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

Cartoon of the Week

Click on this link to see some amazing pictures
Best National Geographic Photos of the Year
But don't forget to come back

This blonde rang up the doctor & asked,

"Doc, would you check if I left my panties behind in ur examination room?"

The doctor looked around & said,

"No, they are not here."

"Oh," replied the Blonde,

"then I must have left them at the dentist's."

----------

The nervous blonde sat on the dentist's chair to have her tooth extracted.

Seeing so many instruments, she got frightened.

"Doc, I would rather have a baby than have my tooth pulled out."

The dentist retorted,

"Well, make up ur mind so that I can adjust the chair accordingly. "

----

A man came home from the office and found his new blonde bride sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him.

"I was pressing your suit and I burneda big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband.

"Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the blonde bride, drying her eyes.

"I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"

----

Who put that there?

Two drag queens at a fairground see the big wheel,

one wants a go but his boyfriend is too scared

so he just stays on the ground and watches.

Shortly after the ride has got under way there is a huge creak,

then the whole big wheel collapses and falls to the ground.

Scrambling through the twisted wreckage the panic stricken spectator

eventually finds his boyfriend in the carnage.

"Are you hurt?" he shouts.

"Hurt? Hurt! Of course I'm bloody HURT!! -

I went round twice and you only waved once!"

------

It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour,"

testified the man charged with indecent exposure.

"Explain that statement?" demanded the Judge.

"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and

she asked me what I wanted most in a woman.

So I showed her!"


I've just won the Monkey Lottery

A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start,

but being a green runner,

didn't have the strength to finish the race.

The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first stretch,

but the tomato quickly fell behind.

The Yam was about to reach the end of the track,

but collapsed in exhaustion right before the finish line.

In the course of an hour,

The tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won.

Why was theTomato so successful?

The tomato paste itself

-----

He loved her very much.

He wanted this Valentine's day to be special,

So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France

and it had arrived on time for the occasion.

On his way home, he stopped at the local florist.

He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones.

But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers

and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer.

He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers

and what she produced was magnificent, well beyond his expectations.

He added a card, and proceeded home.

When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown,

and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing

a romantic candle light dinner for the two of them.

He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read,

"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly,

"Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones


Got it!!!

Most ridiculous British laws:

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down

3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store

4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day

5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet,

you must let them enter

6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants,

including in a policeman's helmet

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes

the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen

8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know,

but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour

10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls,

but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow

Most ridiculous foreign laws:

1. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk

2. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation

3. In Bahrain, a male doctor can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror

4. In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm

5. In Alabama, it is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle

6. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed

7. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from

their husbands to wear false teeth

8. In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except funerals or hospital visits

9. In Japan, there is no age of consent

10. In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon

--------

A couple of blogs back, I put up some Aussie classic hits from the 60's

Some of you that have spoken to me recently wanted too see some more

So here goes

The Delltones ....... Get a little dirt on your hands

The Delltones

consisted of Noel Widerberg [Lead singer], Warren Lucas,Brian Perkins and Pee Wee Wilson

Noel Widerberg was killed in a car accident

This next video is of Barry Stanton

Although he is obviously lip synching in this clip

It is very rare footage of Barry making a guest appearance on the Johnny O'Keefe show

Barry Stanton ....Beggin on my knees

And the man himself the legendary Johnny O'Keefe

Johnny O'Keefe.......She wears my ring

86
It seems so long since the last post
Hope you are all getting into the swing of Xmas
More of a Xmas flavour today
Enjoy

Another Xmas song for you to singalong to

Jim Reeves.....Silver Bells

City sidewalk,
busy sidewalks
dressed in holiday style.
In the air there'sa feeling of Christmas.
Children laughing, people passing,
meeting smile after smile,
And on every street corner you'll hear:
Silver bells, silver bells,
It's Christmas time in the city.
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring,
soon it will be Christmas day.
City street lights,even stop lights,
blink a bright red and green,
As the shoppers rush home with their treasures.
Hear the snow crunch,
see the kids bunch,
This is Santa's big scene,
And above all this bustle you'll hear:
Silver bells, silver bells,
It's Christmas time in the city.
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring,
soon it will be Christmas day.

For those readers in others countries here is a light hearted look at
Xmas in Australia


And a funny Xmas video
Larry the Cable Guy sings Xmas Carols
warning........may offend some





Ican't remember where I got this from, but it's been on my Computer for sometime
An inspirational Christmas story
Pa never had much compassion for the lazy or those who squandered their means
and then never had enough for the necessities.
But for those who were genuinely in need, his heart was as big as all outdoors.
It was from him that I learned the greatest joy in life comes from giving,
not from receiving.
It was Christmas Eve 1881.
I was fifteen years old and feeling like the world had caved in on me because there
just hadn't been enough money to buy me the rifle that I'd wanted for Christmas.
We did the chores early that night for some reason.
I just figured Pa wanted a little extra time so we could read in the Bible.
After supper was over I took my boots off and stretched out in front of the fireplace
and waited for Pa to get down the old Bible.
I was still feeling sorry for myself and, to be honest,
I wasn't in much of a mood to read Scriptures.
But Pa didn't get the Bible; instead he bundled up again and went outside.
I couldn't figure it out because we had already done all the chores.
I didn't worry about it long though; I was too busy wallowing in self-pity.
Soon Pa came back in.
It was a cold clear night out and there was ice in his beard.
"Come on, Matt," he said. "Bundle up good, it's cold out tonight."
I was really upset then.
Not only wasn't I getting the rifle for Christmas, now Pa was dragging me ou t in the cold,
and for no earthly reason that I could see.
We'd already done all the chores, and I couldn't think of anything else that needed doing, especially not on a night like this
But I knew Pa was not very patient at one dragging one's feet
when he'd told them to do something,
so I got up and put my boots back on and got my cap, coat, and mittens.
Ma gave me a mysterious smile as I opened the door to leave the house.
Something was up, but I didn't know what.
Outside, I became even more dismayed.
There in front of the house was the work team, already hitched to the big sled.
Whatever it was we were going to do wasn't going to be a short, quick, little job.
I could tell.
We never hitched up this sled unless we were going to haul a big load.
Pa was already up on the seat, reins in hand.
I reluctantly climbed up beside him.
The cold was already biting at me. I wasn't happy.
When I was on, Pa pulled the sled around the house and stopped in front of the woodshed.
He got off and I followed. "I think we'll put on the high sideboards," he said.
"Here, help me."
The high sideboards!
It had been a bigger job than I wanted to do with just the low sideboards on,
but whatever it was we were going to do would be a lot bigger with the high sideboards on.
After we had exchanged the sideboards,
Pa went into the woodshed and came out with an armload of wood---
the wood I'd spent all summer hauling down from the mountain,
and then all Fall sawing into blocks and splitting.
What was he doing? Finally I said something.
"Pa," I asked, "what are you doing?"
You been by the Widow Jensen's lately?" he asked.
The Widow Jensen lived about two miles down the road.
Her husband had died a year or so before and left her with three children,
the oldest being eight.
Sure, I'd been by, but so what?
"Yeah," I said, "Why?"
"I rode by just today," Pa said.
"Little Jakey was out digging around in the woodpile trying to find a few chips.
They're out of wood, Matt."
That was all he said and then he turned and went back into the woodshed
for another armload of wood.
I followed him.
We loaded the sled so high that I began to wonder if the horses would be able to pull it.
Finally, Pa called a halt to our loading, then we went to the smoke house
and Pa took down a big ham and a side of bacon.
He handed them to me and told me to put them in the sled and wait.
When he returned he was carrying a sack of flour over his right shoulder
and a smaller sack of something in his left hand.
"What's in the little sack?" I asked.
"Shoes. They're out of shoes.
Little Jakey just had gunnysacks wrapped around his feet when he was out in the woodpile
this morning.
I got the children a little candy too.
It just wouldn't be Christmas without a little candy."
We rode the two miles to Widow Jensen's pretty much in silence.
I tried to think through what Pa was doing.
We didn't have much by worldly standards.
Of course, we did have a big woodpile,
though most of what was left now was still in the form of logs that I would have
to saw into blocks and split before we could use it.
We also had meat and flour, so we could spare that,
but I knew we didn't have any money,
so why was Pa buying them shoes and candy?
Really, why was he doing any of this?
Widow Jensen had closer neighbors than us; it shouldn't have been our concern.
We came in from the blind side of the Jensen house
and unloaded the wood as quietly as possible,
and then we took the meat and flour and shoes to the door.
We knocked.
The door opened a crack and a timid voice said, "Who is it?"
"Lucas Miles, Ma'am, and my son, Matt.
Could we come in for a bit?"
Widow Jensen opened the door and let us in.
She had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders.
The children were wrapped in another and were sitting in front of the fireplace
by a very small fire that hardly gave off any heat at all.
Widow Jensen fumbled with a match and finally lit the lamp.
"W e brought you a few things, Ma'am,"
Pa said and set down the sack of flour.
I put the meat on the table.
Then Pa handed her the sack that had the shoes in it.
She opened it hesitantly and took the shoes out one pair at a time.
There was a pair for her and one for each of the children---sturdy shoes,
the best, shoes that would last.
I watched her carefully.
She bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling and then tears filled her eyes
and started running down her cheeks.
She looked up at Pa like she wanted to say something, but it wouldn't come out.
"We brought a load of wood too, Ma'am," Pa said.
He turned to me and said, "Matt, go bring in enough to last awhile.
Let's get that fire up to size and heat this place up."
I wasn't the same person when I went back out to bring in the wood.
I had a big lump in my throat and as much as I hate to admit it,
there were tears in my eyes too.
In my mind I kept seeing those three kids huddled around the fireplace
and the ir mother standing there with tears running down her cheeks
with so much gratitude in her heart that she couldn't speak.
My heart swelled within me and a joy that I'd never known before, filled my soul.
I had given at Christmas many times before,
but never when it had made so much difference.
I could see we were literally saving the lives of these people.
I soon had the fire blazing and everyone's spirits soared.
The kids started giggling when Pa handed them each a piece of candy
and Widow Jensen looked on with a smile that probably
hadn't crossed her face for a long time.
She finally turned to us. "God bless you," she said.
"I know the Lord has sent you.
The children and I have been praying that he would send one of his angels to spare us.
"In spite of myself, the lump returned to my throat and the tears welled up in my eyes again.
I'd never thought of Pa in those exact terms before,
but after Widow Jensen mentioned it I could see that it was probably true.
I was sure that a better man than Pa had never walked the earth.
I started remembering all the times he had gone out of his way for Ma and me,
and many others.
The list seemed endless as I thought on it.
Pa insisted that everyone try on the shoes before we left.
I was amazed when they all fit and I wondered how he had known what sizes to get.
Then I guessed that if he was on an errand for the Lord that the Lord
would make sure he got the right sizes.
Tears were running down Widow Jensen's face again when we stood up to leave.
Pa took each of the kids in his big arms and gave them a hug.
They clung to him and didn't want us to go.
I could see that they missed their Pa, and I was glad that I still had mine.
At the door Pa turned to Widow Jensen and said,
"The Mrs. wanted me to invite you and the children over for Christmas dinner tomorrow.
The turkey will be more than the three of us can eat,
and a man can get cantankerous if he has to eat turkey for too many meals.
We'll be by to get you about eleven.
It'll be nice to have some little ones around again.
Matt, here, hasn't been little for quite a spell."
I was the youngest.
My two brothers and two sisters had all married and had moved away.
Widow Jensen nodded and said,
"Thank you, Brother Miles. I don't have to say,
"'May the Lord bless you,' I know for certain that He will."
Out on the sled I felt a warmth that came from deep within and
I didn't even notice the cold.
When we had gone a ways, Pa turned to me and said,
"Matt, I want you to know something.
Your ma and me have been tucking a little money away here and
there all year so we could buy that rifle for you,
but we didn't have quite enough.
Then yesterday a man who owed me a little money from years back came
by to make things square.
Your ma and me were real excited, thinking that now we could get you that rifle,
and I started into town this morning to do just that.
But on the way I saw little Jakey out scratching in th e woodpile
with his feet wrapped in those gunnysacks and I knew what I had to do.
Son, I spent the money for shoes and a little candy for those children.
I hope you understand."
I understood, and my eyes became wet with tears again.
I understood very well, and I was so glad Pa had done it.
Now the rifle seemed very low on my list of priorities.
Pa had given me a lot more.
He had given me the look on Widow Jensen's face
and the radiant smiles of her three children.
For the rest of my life, whenever I saw any of the Jensens,
or split a block of wood,
I remembered, and remembering brought back that same joy
I felt riding home beside Pa that night.
Pa had given me much more than a rifle that night;
he had given me the best Christmas of my life.

Don't be too busy this Christmas




Some Xmas Cartoons

Mrs. Santa Claus was seeking a divorce from an incredulous judge

who asked her to explain her marital problems.

""It's that happy, jolly stuff, all year long,"" she said.

""It drives me crazy!""

""All year? Why, I thought Santa's work was only in the winter,"" said the judge.

""Sure, but in summer he takes up gardening,"

" Mrs. Santa replied,

""and then it's hoe, hoe, hoe all over again!"""

-----------------------------------------------------

.One beautiful December evening Huan Cho

and his girlfriend JungLee was sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said

"Hey baby, how about playing Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you

and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said,

"OK, we'll play Weeweechu."....

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang...

."Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,

Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas, Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,

and a happy New Year."

thanks Joan Andony]

---------------------------------------

Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads.

His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn

and said "you stay here until you learn how to behaveyourself".

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy downpour).

About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud

and asked the Farmer for a place to stay.

The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn.

He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn.

The Farmer said the bear would not bother him.

Thesalesman went to the barn.

Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him

about the barn-no lights and the tame bear.

Salesmen left for barn

.One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer.

He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen

(he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention thebear).

The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn.

Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door.

When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.

The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?.

The woman replied I give up on human nature,

the first guy gave me forty dollars,

the second guy gave me fiftydollars,

but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks.

--------------

Anyone for an icy cold frozen bear

SOME SCOTTISH JOKES

Scots traditionally marry on February 29, goes the joke,

so that they only need to celebrate their anniversary once every four years.

How can you tell that the trawler coming to the harbour is from Scotland?

There are no seagulls in its wake.

"I've received some photos from my Scottish pen pal?"

"What do they look like?"

"Don't know. Have to get them developed first."

Two Scots fall down a crevasse while in the mountains.

The mountain watch is alerted, and the rescue team appears.

"Hello, we're from the Red Cross," one rescuer says.

The reply comes from below, "You're getting no donations from us."


Madness

An Irish joke

Irish they were and drunk for sure,

and they sat in the corner of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar.

Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror,

fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.

Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.

'Mick, Mick,' he whispered.

'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'

'In the name of God,' said Mick, spotting the reflection.

'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'

'That does it,' said Pat.

'I'm going to buy them a drink.'

But as Pat started to rise from his seat,

Mick said, 'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over!'


McDonalds in Mexico

For the ladies

Joan Andony [thanks Joan] sent me these images

I'll leave you to work it out for yourself

A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi,

"If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing,

and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

"The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,

and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says,

"Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
[stolen from Big shot Bob in Texas]

MUSLIM SEX

A man goes into a porn shop and asks for an inflatable sex doll.

"Certainly, sir" says the proprietor

" Would you like a Christian one or a Muslim one?"

"What's the difference?" says the man

"Well", replies the proprietor, "the Muslim one blows herself up"


Man of the Year ........ second choice

For all those politically correct people who want to change everything about
Christmas and insist that we don’t say anything offensive to upset others
I say, let 'em wash my mouth with a bar of Lifebuoy soap!

I'll put up a Christmas tree and wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

I'll go Christmas shopping and buy Christmas gifts.

I'll send Christmas cards.

I'll sing Christmas carols and play Christmas music in my car.

...And I'll put up Christmas posts.

What are they gonna do - censor my blog?
[Pinched these sentiments from my friend Hale McKay at “It occurred to me”]

It was 27 years ago on December 8, 1980,

that former Beatle, songwriter, singer, musician, graphic artist, author and peace activist

John Lennon was shot four times in the back by Mark Chapman as he entered the Dakota,

his luxury apartment building on Manhattan's Upper West Side,

opposite Central Park, at 23.00 local time.

Chapman said he had heard voices in his head telling him to kill the world-famous musician.

He pleaded guilty to gunning down JL and is currently serving life in Attica .

In his solo career, Lennon wrote and recorded "Imagine" ,

an authentic hymn to peace and fraternity,

and one of my favourite songs ever.

thanks to Cochise at 'Apache'

JOHN LENNON..........IMAGINE

SOME PERVERSE WISDOM FROM OSCAR WILDE

Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or nation.

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.

If you don't get everything that you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train.

In this world there are only two tragedies: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

I see when men love women they give but a little of their lives

but women when they love give everything.

None of us can stand other people who have the same faults as ourselves.

Put your talent into your work, but your genius into your life.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

Women are meant to be loved, not understood.

The Stubby Symphony

Thanks to Stevie Boy...V1 for this

Click on pointer

85
This weekends normal Sunday Blog is a day early as
tomorrow morning, am off up country working for two days
and won't be back until Monday arvo.
So here it is

Blue Christmas..........Elvis Presley

LYRICS:

I'll have a blue christmas without you

I'll be so blue just thinking about you

Decorations of red on a green christmas tree

Wont be the same dear,

if you're not here with me

And when those blue snowflakes start falling

That's when those blue memories start calling

You'll be doin' all right, with your christmas of white

But I'll have a blue, blue blue blue christmas

You'll be doin' all right, with your christmas of white,

But I'll have a blue, blue blue blue christmas

Santa stuck in a chimney


Don't let this happen to you during the coming weeks

As we start the round of office and company Xmas party's

you may come accross this sign

Following on from the post about about Senior citizens, I was sent this by a senior who wishes to remain anonymous..Promised Frank I wouldn't tell anyone
We Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable

deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary.

We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

BUT, upon reflection, we would like to point out that

it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education,

The service out of patriotism,

The religion out of school,

The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

The civility out of behaviour,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending,

or The ambition out of achievement,

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience

and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

Remember.......Inside every older person is a younger person

wondering what the heck happened!

Uh Oh Pothole

Careful .... Don't look down

Also following on from my post sometime back about the French Terrorists alerts

I received this
ALERT LEVELS

"As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise

in its terror alert from "Run" to "Hide".

The normal level is "General Arrogance",

and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate".

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory,

effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

"This prompted some readers to comment that list membership

was perhaps biased against France (and what's wrong with that?),

and so, in order to promote a more balanced view, here is the latest from around the world:

It's not only the French that are on heightened level of alert:

Italy has increased the alert level from

"Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing".

Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from

"Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs".

They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".

Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to

"Irritated" or even "A bit cross".

Londoners have not been "A bit cross" since the Blitz in 1940

when tea supplies all ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance".

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"

warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Enjoy I've been everywhere with Patty, Dan and Lucy


Todays Cartoons

I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning

for the princely sum of $10.

I named him Mohammed.

This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.

My question is,

"Have I made a prophet?"

[thanks Chris Bone]

---

Then there was the Eskimo girl

who spent the night with herboy friend

and the next morning found

she was six months pregnant.

[thanks Robert Doohan]

Men were born this way Learn to deal with it

the following images were sent to me by Joan Andony..thanks Joan

And from my daughter Rennae , come these thoughts
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.

Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes,

it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Scientists have announced that we have made contact with an alien race.

Their planet consists solely of a gigantic shopping center.

The skeptical scientists didn't believe it at first.

How could this be?

But after tremendous research,

they have confirmed...
...that it's a mall world after all.

A bonus pun

A note left for a pianist from his wife:

Gone Chopin,

(have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.


CLINTON MEMORIES

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton

appeared on the television.

After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled,

"Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up,

walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer,

Hillary Clinton appeared on the television.

"She's a horse's ass too," the man said..

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up,

walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar.

"This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied.

"Horse country!"


CARTOON OF THE WEEK

A Fantasy School Answering Machine

"Hello! You've reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member,

please listen to all your options before making a selection:

"To lie about why your child is absent -- Press 1.

"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -- Press 2.

"To complain about what we do -- Press 3.

"To swear at staff members -- Press 4.

"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in

your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you -- Press 5.

"If you want us to raise your child -- Press 6.

"If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone -- Press 7.

"To request another teacher for the third time this year -- Press 8.

"To complain about bus transportation -- Press 9.

"To complain about school lunches -- Press 0.

"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be

accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,

and homework and that it's not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort

-- Hang up and have a nice day!"

Save the world with a few coins

Good Dog

"Honey," said this husband to his wife,

"I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping,

all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor bastard's thinkin' about getting married."

-------

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man,

standing alone.

She approached him and said,

"Hi, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied.

"Is it a family name?"

"No," she said.

"I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.

What's your name?"

He said, "Bob Titsenbeer."

-------

For todays Music clips Iam going to try something completely different

and would be interested in your feedback,

either by posting a comment or sending me an email

The first video from Tom Waits kinda grows on you if you listen

and watch more than once

Have included the Lyrics for you

Tom Waits from 1977... Tom Traubert Blues

A wound that will never heal -

Wasted and wounded,

it ain't what the moon did

Got what I paid for now

See ya tomorrow,

hey Frank can I borrow

A couple of bucks from you?

To go waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda

You'll go a waltzing Matilda with me
I'm an innocent victim of a blinded alley

And tired of all these soldiers here

No one speaks English and everything's broken

And my Stacys are soaking wet

To go waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda

You'll go a waltzing Matilda with me
Now the dogs are barking and the taxi cab's parking

A lot they can do for me

I begged you to stab me,

you tore my shirt open

And I'm down on my knees tonight

Old Bushmill's I staggered,

you buried the dagger

Your silhouette window light

To go waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda

You'll go a waltzing Matilda with me
Now I lost my Saint Christopher

now that I've kissed her

And the one-armed bandit knows

And the maverick Chinaman

and the cold-blooded signs

And the girls down by the strip-tease shows

Go, waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda

You'll go a waltzing Matilda with me
No, I don't want your sympathy

The fugitives say that the streets aren't for dreaming now

Manslaughter dragnets and the ghosts that sell memories

They want a piece of the action anyhow

Go, waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda

You'll go a waltzing Matilda with me
And you can ask any sailor

and the keys from the jailor

And the old men in wheelchairs know

That Matilda's the defendant,

she killed about a hundred

And she follows wherever you may go

Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda

You'll go a waltzing Matilda with me
And it's a battered old suitcase to a hotel someplace

And a wound that will never heal

No prima donna, the perfume is on her

An old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey

And goodnight to the street sweepers

The night watchman flame keepers

and goodnight to Matilda too

This next clip features Cab Callloway and the Nicholas Brothers

Remember this is long before rap music and the Blue Brothers movie

Watch this all the way thru as I reckon the Nicholas Brothers must be double jointed

Great clip

Cab Calloway and the Nicholas Brothers.......Jumpin Jive

thanks Josie Jamieson

Cool Jeep commercial

Thanks Fred Rea

Click on pointer

84
Yes. its that time again for the Thursday night Blog
It has been a fairly normal week with early December weather extremely cool
after one of the hottest Novembers for awhile

I got my name in lights with notcelebrity.co.uk

To put you in a nice frame of mind for the weekend here are two amusing videos

This first one many of you may have seen already, as its been around for sometime

But it is still funny

The Freakin Brothers

Next is a humourous Greenpeace promo



Sunshine - video powered by Metacafe



International Farming Analysis
TRADITIONAL AUSTRALIAN FARMING:
* You have two sheep.* You sell one and buy a ram. * Your flock multiplies,
and the economy grows. You buy out your neighbours.
* You sell the lot and retire on the income.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: * You have two sheep. * You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep.* You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION: * You have two sheep.* You go on strike because you want three sheep.
JAPANESE CORPORATION:* You have two sheep.* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep and produce 20 times the wool. * You then create clever sheep cartoon images called Sheepkimon and market them worldwide.
GERMAN CORPORATION:* You have two sheep.* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and shear themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:* You have two sheep.* Both die from foot and mouth.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:* You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are. * You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:* You have two sheep.* You count them and learn you have five sheep.* You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep. * You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.* You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:* You have 5,000 sheep, none of which belong to you. * You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:* You have two sheep.* You have 300 people shearing them.* You claim full employment, high productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:* You have two sheep.* That one on the below is kinda cute...


Think Small


Former leader of France Jacques Chirac used to think he was one of the the funniest man in Europe after launching his tirade against the state of British cuisine.
But the truth is that some of the funniest jokes are about the French...
Q: Why do French men have moustaches?
A: To remind them of their mothers.
Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German army as they entered the city in World War II?
A: "Table for 100,000 M'sieur?"
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. Chirac. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
Q: How do you say: "Give me liberty or give me death" in French?
A: I give up.
Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.
Q: What do you get when a grenade is thrown into a French kitchen?
A: Linoleum Blownapart.
Q: Why do French naval ships have glass bottoms?
A: To see all their other ships.
Q: Where is the best place to hide your money?
A: Under a Frenchman's soap.



80 year old marries for 4th time
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'


Cartoons

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left allthe time.

It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.

For years, he refused. told me I was crazy,

but last week, he finally went.
Sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was a quarter inch shorter than his right.

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, hewas cured,

and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.
"So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."
He just looked at me and said,

"I stand corrected."


Confused Chickens

This quite long but very funny

Gotta hand it to those Kiwi's
A NEW ZEALAND DRIVER STRIKES BACK

First a letter from the police and then a reply

Ref: 115223

MANAGER WORLD XCHANGE COMMUNICATIONS LTD

PO BOX 3296 SHORTLAND STREET AUCKLAND

Dear Sir/Madam

Records indicate that you are the owner of a Holden - regulation number CBH858.

On Friday, 10 June 2005 your vehicle was seen exceeding the speed limit at

the junction of Shortland Street and Fields Lane, Auckland.

Evasive action taken by pedestrians.

This incident took place at about 1:15 PM and has been reported to the police

by way of the Community Roadwatch program.

You may not have been the driver at the time and

even if you were you may feel that the driving was not in any way risky.

However another person was sufficiently alarmed by the driving

to report the matter to the Police.

The other person's perception was that the way your vehicle was driven

at that time was not safe.

If you were not the driver at the time, we would ask that you bring this

matter to the driver's attention.

Yours sincerely,

Inspector Matt Fitzsimons

Officer in Charge: Police Infringement Bureau Safer Communities Together

NEW ZEALAND POLICE COMMUNITY ROADWATCH PROGRAMME,

PO BOX 9147,

WELLINGTON

FAX: (04) 384 8848.

PHONE: (04) 381 0046

And his reply

21st June 2005

Officer in Charge Police Infringement Bureau New Zealand Police

PO Box 9147 Wellington Attention

: Inspector Matt Fitzsimons

Dear Sir.

RE: Police advice Ref 11 5223

Thank you for your recent letter dated June 15Ih, 2005.

I appreciate that you are only following up on a report from a member of the public

but I feel the need to set the record straight as I have been driving for the past

25 years all over the world without incident and class myself as generally a good driver.

Yes, I have had a few speeding tickets during this time,

but that doesn't necessarily detract from a person's driving abilities.

I was indeed the driver of this Holden.

I clearly remember this incident because it happened on the eve of my 40Ih birthday

and I remember thinking that it was a miracle that I had made it to this milestone

despite there being numerous stupid people out there.

My car is an HSV Avalanche, which is a two tonne 300KW 5.7L V8 4WD Holden station wagon with a performance braking package fitted to it.

Whenever this car is driven, the minimum forward lighting on it is the halogen driving lights that sit below the front grill -this being necessary because of the large number of dickhead drivers on the Auckland motorway system.

On the afternoon of June l0th, my wife and I were on our way to

Auckland International airport to pick up some friends who had flown over for my 40Ih birthday party that was being held the next day.

We were making a quick detour to my company offices when the incident occurred.

I was already in the process of turning my car right into

Fields Lane from the western side of Shortland Street (Queen Street end)

when I was first introduced to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass 6

who both simply stepped off the footpath to cross Fields Lane right in front of me.

At this particular point in time we now had said two tonne car,

with it's lights and right hand indicator on,

having complete right of way after giving way to the appropriate vehicle traffic.

We also now had two clowns who were happily chatting to each other,

completely ignorant of their surroundings, walking down Shortland Street (south side)

and when they reached the curb they simply kept on walking right into my path

without even looking for traffic.

Note that this is not a pedestrian crossing of any kind.

The chances of these two being able to beat a car that was already committed

to turning were about that of Auckland being able to beat Waikato in an NPC rugby match

-slim to none.

As soon as I realised that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B had a deathwish,

I hit the car horn and the brakes at the same time.

The three air horns which are located on the front left side of the car (the very solid, pointy corner closest to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B) hit a single,

beautiful note at about 100 decibels.

Now 100 decibels is about 20 decibels louder than the Sprint Cars

that were deemed "too loud" for the Western Springs raceway,

thereby causing it to close because in Auckland at the moment we seem to have an anti-motorsport, politically correct, left leaning, tree hugging,

land-rights-for-gay-whales City Council - but I digress.

Anyway, Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B now looked to the source of the 100dB noise

and in doing so started to realise that stepping out in front of two tonnes of General Motors metal that was bearing down on them at about 30 kmph

with a set of 200W halogen spot lights now burning their retinas

and making the metal on metal sound of a Bosch 5.3 ABS system kicking in onto

a set of 336 x 32mm AP Racing ventilated and grooved front discs with HSV

-embossed twin piston Corvette front callipers (in HRT red) and 315 x 18mm ventilated

and grooved rear discs was perhaps not the smartest move

they have either individually or collectively ever made.

Put simply, they shit themselves & back-pedalled faster than an eight year

old at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch,

I pulled the car up in time, wound the window down and let loose with some brilliant swear words that one can only learn after serving at least 10 years in the Army,

and we all went on our merry way.

I can understand why the guy behind me had a heart murmur because an HSV Avalanche can come to a complete stop from 100KMIH in about 6.3 seconds.

We were both lucky that he didn't hit me as I braked because Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B might have got run over after all.

In order for my car to have supposedly exceeded the 50kmph speed limit that prevails within our fair city as I was making a complete 90 degree right-handed turn,

both the car and my wife and I would have been subjected to lateral G Forces

of around .92 Gs.

I can assure you that had I actually attempted to carry out such a manoeuvre as your letter suggests, my wife would have given me a rather significant slap up side of my head

followed by a not-insignificant lecture and I would have had to spend the rest of the weekend

on the couch.

If you get a chance to talk to which ever one of Dumb Ass A or Dumb Ass B who had the perception "that the way my vehicle was being driven was not safe",

could you ask them if they would much rather have had the number plate of the car

embedded in their skull due to being mowed down as a result of their own stupidity.

You may also wish to point out to this person that just because the City Council

also killed any chance of an Auckland City street race,

that decision didn't also suddenly give pedestrians super-human powers to simply ignore

any of the existing rules in the Road Code.

The fact that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B were able to lodge a complaint with

your office is both a testament to the quality of Holden HSV braking systems

and my own lightning quick reflexes.

I would therefore like to be rewarded for this outstanding display of driving skills

with lower petrol prices and a better corporate tax rate.

Can you see what you could do for me here and please get back to me.

This incident does prove one thing though - in order to have smart people in this world,

you need to have dumb asses by which to gauge them.

Thank you for your time and I am happy to discuss further

Regards,

Paul Clarkin Director,

Operations & Carrier WorldxChange Communications Limited



My First vote for Man of the Year

Ihave posted this before ,but its worth another go..Funny
Never upset a nurse

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around like he did his staff.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,

crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,

"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers,

"What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses,

"Not with a carnation."

Say "Cheese"

A different slant

Are you a SENIOR CITIZEN! Can you relate to any of these??

I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.

I'm so cared for --- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers,

loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota commercials, barking dogs,

politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days,

and when did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Baby Orangutan and Friend

REALISM

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band,

she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman

"is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,

"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

AFRICAN ROULETTE

An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number,

the Russian ambassador.

For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined,

and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said,

"As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you

to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.

One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,

point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people,

and to show fear would be unthinkable.

Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game,

and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador

was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality,

until the final day of his stay.

Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke,

"Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette".

He then led the Russian into the room,

the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members

of one of our tribes.

Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea,

but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.

He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part?

Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."


Going to really show my age today

Todays Music Videos are all Australian ClASSICS

First cab off the rank

from 1967 and doing their version of that great Cab Calloway hit
Cherokees....Minnie the Moocher

The next two are New Zealanders who made it big in Australa

Max Merritt and the Meteors.....Slippin Away

And the Queen of the Mods Dinah Lee

Seen here performing at the 2002 Long way to the Top Concert

and sounding as good as ever

Dinah Lee Don't you know Yockomo [1963]

Reet Petite [1964]

Quote for today

[thanks Josie Jamieson]

Funny Beer Ad

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83

Managed a day off today, and spent all morning and most of the afternoon,
filling a skip bin with collected rubbish and tree loppings
Amazingly, Ican now venture part way into my shed

Good advice
---------

As per usual we will start with a couple of amusing videos

This first one is Hilarious and is some Aussie Yobbo's involved with

Drambuie Market Research

[Warning contains some coarse language]




This next video is doing the rounds of blog sites at present and is based on that TV show

Are you smarter than a 3rd grader






This video clip will be of interest to all of my Aussie readers

It shows the young cop during burnouts in his police car in rural Western Australia








GORILLA LANGUAGE
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day,
when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye.
As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars,
and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper.
Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid
means "screw you" in gorilla language.
The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats,
two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it.

The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same.

Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife,

looked at his own crotch,

looked at the man,

and pulled down his eyelid.








Some Cartoons

Gavin was walking along the High Street of his shire

when a right English rain began to tumble down.

Ducked he himself into a pub, whereupon friends he met, quaffed a number of pints,

and then a few more, and began the long slow stagger home in the midnight hour.

Meandering in the cold, Gavin decided it was time to get himself an Indian curry,

so he stepped into the nearest New Dehli Deli take-away and ordered an extra hot vindaloo. Getting home at long last, Gavin put the curry on the kitchen table

while and went to the bathroom to freshen up.

Now it would come to pass that the house cat closed in on the curry and,

hungry and bored, decided to take the temptation to task.

Myum myum. Nibble nibble. Chow chow. Lick lick.

The vindaloo vanished.

Sure enough, Gavin returned and was shocked to find his felis domesticatus

fully immersed, whiskers in the sauce, licking the tin clean.

Gavin grabbed his cat by the scruff of its neck, and carried him out to the trash bin.

"You horrible little floor mop. Now you've done it! Good riddance!" he shouted.

Filling a trash can with water, he tossed the cat into it and slammed the lid down,

keeping it weighted down with bricks.

Returning to his abode, Gavin started to feel very sorry for himself.

A few minutes later he heard a knock on the window,

and sure enough, when he looked there, he saw his cat.

The cat looked at him and asked,

"You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would you?"

The Alphabet in pictures [although American, still pretty clever]

Stress test:
There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals:
King Kong,

Ape,

Orangutan

and a Monkey pass by.

They have a competition to see Who is the fastest to get the banana.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is ....

Orangutan = Flippen Stupid

Ape = You Fool

Monkey = You are an idiot

King Kong = stupid

Why ?????

Coconut trees, doesn't have bananas .........??

It's obvious you're stressed by your work. Go home!

--------

How to beat stress [I love the last one..Phil]

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

* Never buy a car you can't push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once .

* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp , some are pretty and some are dull .

Some have weird names , and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box . *A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.


Look like Poms to me

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man

standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps

on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him,

he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I`m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, `Guess who?`"

"But why?" asks the man

."I`m a divorce lawyer," the man replies!



Some more good advice

Coming soon to a beach near you!!!

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"BUGGER!" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."
Thanks to Megan Alchin from Meekatharra for this and also Chris Bone




This is a genuine mistake made in Ireland
This was actually sold in the supermarkets

- until they twigged!!

thanks Josie Jamieson

Beer for toads: "Ken Ritchie never thought he'd see the day a cane toad would be worth its weight in beer - let alone two. But the day has come, with Tom Hedley, Australia's biggest private hotel owner and one of Queensland's richest men, throwing his support behind plans to introduce a beer-for-a-bag-of-toads bounty. "Hell, I'll give them two beers," said Mr Hedley, who also owns and drinks at his favourite watering hole the Red Beret. "As far as I am concerned they're pests and a nuisance to society. If offering a beer for a bag of toads is one way to wipe them out once and for all then I am all for it." The RSPCA welcomed the multi-millionaire's backing, saying the proposal could be modelled on a similar beer-for-a-toad bounty run in the Northern Territory. "How it worked in Darwin is they brought in the toads to the RSPCA to be humanely euthanised and they were then issued a voucher to get a beer - with a daily limit on the number of beers," said RSPCA spokesman Michael Beatty."

There was once a Sheep Farmer who needed help with his farm ...

especially, the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the Females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker

was just about to throw away the severed, "parts",

when the Sheep Farmer yelled, "No -- Don't throw those away -- "

My Wife fries them up and we eat them ... they're delicious, and we call them 'Sheep Fries." Later that day, the French hired-hand came in for supper and, indeed,

he thought that the "Sheep Fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 Sheep, and that evening they all settled down to another supper of "Sheep Fries".

On the third day, however, when the Sheep Farmer came in for supper, he asked his wife where the French hired-hand was.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said.

"I told Him that since there weren't that many 'Sheep Fries' this evening,

we were also going to have French Fries ...

and he ran like his ass was on fire!"

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART! Why WALMART???WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

While driving during a horrible snowstorm, a young blonde became disoriented and lost. She remembered what her father had once told her. ”If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plough and follow it.” Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plough for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ”Well, I’m done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-MartShopping Center and rolled down the car windows to makesure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She wasstretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impressupon her that she must remain there.I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at thecar and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hearme?" "Stay! Stay!"The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put itin park?"

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on oneof its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they hadphotographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set itfree. "Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be akindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so thatit would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed thedoctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."

A butcher just out of trade school applies for and gets a job innorthwest America, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and markingthem with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc.When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is left with a pileof unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, hefinally puts them all into one bag and labels them....."moosellanious

Funny VB Beer advert




A few more cartoons

Today's music

Electric Light Orchestra.........Telephone Line

Just adored this video

The late Tammy Wynette and Tom T Hall........I love

This was a big hit in Australia

Royal Guardsmen Snoopy vs the Red Baron

[Thanks to Josie Jamieson]

Aliens are coming

[Thanks Jim King for this]

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