107
The warm, days have turned into another heatwave with no relief in sight until next week. Teperatures in the high 30's

Born on February 26th 1928 Fats Domino celebrates his 80th birthday this year

Happy Birthday Fats

BlueBerry Hill

Let the Four Winds Blow



An elderly man was walking through the French countryside
admiring the beautiful spring day,
when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,
"Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!"
and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!" Ze woman - she is dead!"
and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He came to the station and shouted,
"Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman .........naked in farmer Gaston's field making love
."The police chief smiled and said;
"Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love,
ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station,
jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story,
and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is zis young couple naked 'aving sex."
To which Pierre replied,
"Jean, I am a man of science.
You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers,
Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply,
"NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed,
"Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope,
and other tools; jumped in the car;
and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean,
who were waiting at the station.
He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said,
"Ah, mes amis, do not worry.
Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English!"


Today's Cartoons

Blind Pilots
Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots’ uniforms

and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

The plane starts barreling down the runway,

and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears.

With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time.

The passengers think it was all a joke,

while in the cockpit, the pilots high-five.

“You know,” says one pilot to the other,

“one day they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”




Yikes!!!!

Yikes !!!!!...again

Coyote catches the Road Runner

Regular Kind Of Lawyer
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school,

were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What`s yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy`s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy`s a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy

BORDER DISPUTE
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada,

just yards away from the North Dakota border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the

United States and Canada for generations.

Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday,

lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter.

"I just got some news, Mom," he said.

"The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington.

They've decided that our land is really part of the United States.

We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement.

What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said.

"Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept!

I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

Always build on the high ground

A flood always leads to good fishing mate!!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk,

"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds,
"I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question.
He replies,"I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.

Although,when I was young, there was a sure-fire way

to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you
EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity
gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What thehell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands
under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly

and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says,

"Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts,
removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says,

"That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't," she says.
"I was behind you in McDonald's."
thanks Jennie Simmons

A picture paints a thousand words

Check out this link for a very cool version of

Billy Joel's "We didn't start the Fire"

http://yeli.us/Flash/Fire.html




oldie ,but goldie from Josie Jamieson

Ring any bells??
A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and

he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her,

he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband

could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor,

'stand about 30 feet away from her,

and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If she doesn't respond, go to 20 feet, then 10 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,

and he was in the front room.

He says to himself, 'I'm about 30 feet away, let's see what happens.'

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 20 feet from his wife and repeats,

'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 10 feet from his wife and asks,

'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 5 feet away.

'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


(I just love this)












'Frank , for the FIFTH time, I'll tell you again.....it's CHICKEN!'

Wonderful World

G'day World

Western Australia

A section of the Gunbarrel Highway

in the middle of no where

But a great place to be

Gotta love it!!

Another Golden Oldie from Geoff Collins
Joe had been having headaches for many years and his wife finally

convinced him to see a neurologist.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that, it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine,

and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve thepressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked, and depressed.

He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first timein 20 years,

but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

He walked down the street; he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning, and live a new life.

He saw amen's clothing store and thought

, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop, and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said,

"Let's see, size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60years," the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about a new shirt?"Joe thought for a moment, and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe, and said,

"Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right; how did you know?"

"Told ya… been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

He walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked,

"How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha, I got you on this one – I've worn a size 34 since Iwas 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine

and give you one hell of a headache.

"New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear -

$6Second opinion –

PRICELESS



So, you think you have had a bad day

thanks Jennie Simmons

Music
Eddie Cochran....Summertime Blues

Camel Toe

106
Glorious warm sunny days have returned as we cling to the
last few days of summer

LOST SNAKE

Don’t drink and fondle a snake, mate
Darwin’s snake catcher handles the most venomous serpents on the planet.

And, he tells Chris Haslam, trying to impress the birds with one can be fatal
I’m standing somewhat warily on the front porch of a wooden shack in Darwin, capital of Australia’s torrid Northern Territory.

Before me is 23-year-old Chris Peberdy, Darwin’s official snake catcher, and he’s not alone.
The 7ft king brown snake he’s holding up is writhing like a fireman’s hose, doubling back on itself in medusan contortions as it tries with all its might to bite its way out of trouble. Although a single nip from this creature contains enough venom to kill about 125,000 mice, 20 horses and any number of overconfident herpetologists, Chris seems unperturbed.

“Nineteen of the last 26 people to die from snakebite in Oz were bitten by these fellas,” he notes, and steps smartly backwards as the snake lunges for his throat.

“Steve Irwin was a great man — really loved his snakes — but he taught a generation of Aussies a lot of bad habits.”

He kicks the lid from a plastic dustbin and lowers the serpent inside, then turns as though to pass on a gem of inside information.

“You know what? After a night on the piss I leave the snakes alone, mate.”
Like looking for a gas leak with a lighter, drinking and snake handling would appear to be a rather obviously lethal combination.

Chris’s former business partner narrowly escaped death after being nailed on the chest by a taipan — the second most venomous snake in the world.
“Trying to impress a bird again,” shrugs Chris. “He had a bottle of Jim Beam in one hand and the snake around his neck.”

Antivenin, made by injecting poison into horses and extracting the resulting mix, saved his life, but not — apparently — his sanity.
“The mad bastard went off and joined the Foreign Legion after the bite,” says Chris. “He thought it’d be safer. Mate, wrapping a taipan around your neck is like putting your nuts in a blender and flicking the switch on the off-chance you won’t get nailed. Mess with snakes and it’s not a matter of if you’re going to get bitten, it’s simply a matter of when.”

Such was the fate of Chris’s teacher and former city snake catcher, the late Graham Gow. The painted signs for his snake park are still out on the highway, but Graham is long gone. He was bitten over 200 times in his career and “was looking pretty ropey towards the end”, according to Chris.

“It was the antivenin that finally got him: he had so much horse blood in him we were going to enter him for the Melbourne Cup.”
Chris started picking up snakes when he was 12. “I grew up on a cattle station and the fellas there were always catching the buggers. No tongs or nothing — they just stuck a cowboy boot on Joe Blake’s head and brought him to me.” Was he ever scared? “Only when I looked it up in me snake book and realised what it was.”

For a teenage snake fondler there are few places to beat the territory. The top 10 most venomous serpents on earth live in Australia, and the slender western brown snake is at No 4. Chris pops the padlock on another of his plastic dustbins and pulls one out to show me. “See the apricot spots on the belly?” he asks. “Aussie snakes are all members of the elapid family and all the killers have this feature. It’s nature’s way of warning you.” He lets the snake go and it slithers inquiringly towards my boot, its tongue sensing strange odours in the leather.
I ask what happens if he bites me. “It’s the neurotoxins that’ll bugger you with this bastard,” says Chris affectionately. “You’ll be awake and lucid and you’ll just feel your lungs and your heart stop working. If I meet someone who’s been systemically poisoned by a western brown I might as well tell them to take two steps back, line up with the old pine box and drop right in.”
The alternative seems just as grim. “First thing they do when they get you to the hospital is stick a urinary catheter up your old man. Then they call me in to identify the snake.” He grimaces. “It’s not a pretty sight. There’s a bloke lying in bed, scared shitless, with all these tubes coming out of him and what’s left of the snake in a box at the end of the bed. Most of the time it’s something harmless like a python — but how do you tell that to a bloke who’s had a tube stuck up his diggler?” Has Chris ever been bitten? “Not yet, mate.” He shrugs. “But today’s a brand new day.”

Then his mobile rings. “Chris Peberdy speaking . . . g’day Sharon, what’s the problem?” He glances at me. “Snake in the bathroom. Sheila in distress; no worries darling, I’ll be right there.”
The property is in what Darwinians amusingly refer to as the suburbs. I’d call it the wilderness with a road going through it. Houses round here stand typically in five or 10 acres of critter-infested bushland, but the saying goes that if you’ve got snakes, you don’t have rats.
And — no doubt about it — Sharon’s got snake: 6ft long and comfortably fat, it’s digesting a rodent in the lee of her toilet. The flash of my camera wakes it from its repose and it flicks a black tongue at me.
“You’ll be all right, mate,” says Chris soothingly — and needlessly, because snakes don’t have ears and can’t lip read. “He’s cold, which is good, because it makes him slow. And he’s eaten, so he’s happy.” He winks at Sharon. “No worries.”
And suddenly it all goes wrong. As he reaches for the snake it bolts, and instead of seizing it behind the head he grabs it halfway down its body. The snake darts all around the bathroom before it doubles back and lunges, plunging needle-sharp fangs deep into the side of Chris’s hand. Sharon squeals and Chris curses, pinning the snake to the floor and prising its jaws open.
“No worries,” he repeats, a little unconvincingly as he stuffs the writhing reptile into a sack.
A bashful silence descends on Sharon’s bathroom as Chris grabs toilet paper to staunch the wound.
The snakebite contains an anticoagulant so claret is splashing all over the tiled floor. Luckily, the snake was a carpet python and the most he needs is a tetanus jab, but he has clearly had a glimpse of his own mortality. If it had been any other species native to the territory he would now be in serious trouble.
As it turns out, he is merely embarrassed, but Sharon is clearly impressed. As we leave she insists on getting his home phone number . . . just in case. Chris grins as we drive away. “Told you, mate — the sheilas love a snake catcher.”

The world's deadliest serpents
1 Inland taipan (Oxyuranus microlepidotus), Australia. Though shy and rarely encountered, this snake produces the most toxic venom of any on the planet. The maximum recorded yield for one bite was 100mg — enough to kill more than 100 people.
2 Australian brown snake (Pseudonaja textilis), Australia. Despite a tiny head and fangs measuring just 2.8mm, the brown snake is the continent’s biggest killer. One 1/14,000th of an ounce of the snake’s multi-component venom is enough to kill a person.
3 Malayan krait (Bungarus candidus), southeast Asia. A night-biter, the krait strikes without warning, delivering a venom fatal in 50% of bites even after treatment.
4 Taipan (Oxyuranus scutellatus), Australia. Before the development of an effective antivenin in 1956 only two people were known to have survived a taipan bite. The venom in one bite is enough to kill a small village.
5 Tiger snake (Notechis scutatus), Australia. The tiger snake delivers a neurotoxic bite that switches off your nervous system, causing heart and pulmonary failure.

Snakebite: fact and fiction
Snakebite kills more than 125,000 people every year worldwide, and if you’ve just been bitten then any cure probably seems better than none.
Sadly, few work.

In 1870s Australia a Mr Williams made a fortune from his patent snakebite lotion, essentially a bottle of rum with crushed centipedes inside. Since this neither worked nor could be enjoyed as a beverage, it was superseded by the Halford cure, which involved injecting pure ammonia into the bloodstream — a treatment as dangerous as the problem.
Worse still was the Port Curtis cure, where the flesh around the bite was excised, the hole packed with gunpowder and lit. It worked just once — on a woman bitten on the ankle by a brown snake, but only because the charge blew her foot off.
Spurious cures still exist: a current favourite is to lay a live wire on the bite site in the belief that the electricity will reverse the polarity of the proteins in the venom and render it inert. Another old chestnut involves sucking the poison out.

The approved treatment is to prevent the venom spreading through the lymphatic system by wrapping the entire affected limb in a compression bandage. In most cases you’ll have at least three hours to seek medical assistance, where a clear description of the serpent will help find the appropriate antivenin.

A lion was roaming an African jungle.
He was terribly hungry.
Soon, he came across two men sitting under a tree.
One was pounding away on a typewriter.
The other was reading a book.
The lion devoured the man reading the book.
He avoided the writer. Even lions know...
...that readers digest and writers cramp.


Protect your eyes...wear sunglasses

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.

The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: “It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions?”

Girl: “OK”

Medic: “What’s your name?”

Girl: ” Sharon .”

Medic: “OK Sharon , is this your car?”

Sharon : “Yes.

”Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”

Sharon : “Romford, mate.”

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash;

there’s Blood everywhere.

The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car

till she’s lying flat out on the ground.

Medic: “OK, I’m going to check if you’re concussed.”

Sharon : “Ok.”

Medic: “How many fingers am I putting up?”

Sharon : “Oh my god, I’m paralysed from the waist down!”

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the grocery store and demonstrated with her hands,

the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also,

and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked,

"I can't hear a word you're saying,

but I Remember the guy you're talking about.




G'day World

Seen in London

Because I'm a Man.......

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. -----------------------------------------------

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer. ----------------------------------------Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys - cumin is a spice) -----------------------------------------------

Because I'm a man, when one of the appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. -------------------------------------------------------

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator). -----------------------------------------------

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask! someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going? -----------------------------------------------

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask. ----------------------------------------------

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too. -----------------------------------------------

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. -----------------------------------------------

Because I'm a man, I think what you're! wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? --------------------------

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

A rehersal somewhere in the States for

Sugar Plum Fairies

So ,you think you've had a bad day

thanks to Jennie Simons for these

Music

"You never can tell"

EmmyLou Harris [1980]

Two very different versions of

Mr Sandman

from 1954 .... a very young

Chet Atkins

and EmmyLou Harris

105
Welcome to another episode
Back to the Thursday Blog and hopefully back to some normality
after the trip away

Stupid answers from contestants on Games shows

Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2008,
it will begin offering customers a new discount item -
Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California
to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to place a bottle of Wal-Mart brand
into their shopping carts, but
'there is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken
professor of marketing at University of Arkansas Bentonville.
'But the right name is important.'
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name
for the Wal-Mart wine brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
09. White Trashfindel
08. Big Red Gulp
07. World Championship Riesling
06. NASCARbernet
05. Chef Boyardeaux
04. Peanut Noir
03. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
02. Grape Expectations
01. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either
white meat (possum) or red meat (squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax.
I know Possum is not a white meat

Today's Cartoons

HOW DID IT HAPPEN?"

the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm,

that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.

She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied

."Excuse me," said the doctor,

"What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained,

"when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

pinched from the Rotary Club of Corrigins Bulletin

Always wear a helmet






Flamingoes mating dance





Letter recently received at a problems page :

Dear Kathy,
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning, and,
when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies,
while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me,
and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him.
Good grief, woman! You don't need him anymore!
You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.
Act like one.





Spider Elvis

Taken from Bits and Pieces





The lawyer and the chiropractor
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders,
back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around.
"What the do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor,
and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer,
but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you


New sport for the upcoming Olympics
Drag Racing




One day, Chucky came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds.
He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb.
Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds,
and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Chucky figured success had to be better than this,
so he continued climbing.
He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Chucky saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb.
On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Chucky really liked his advantage now!
He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level,
he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Chucky couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him.
He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him.
He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos.
The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Chucky.
Apprehensively, Chucky whispers,
"Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."




Its a Wonderful World




Me and my Blogger friends




Music
Lucille Starr ........ The French Song
[the Canadian sweetheart]





Gene Pitney...I'm Going to be Strong
big hit in Australia

104
The trip to Sydney has thrown the blog sequence out a bit
Will still publish twice a week but now be on different days
You will notice on the right hand side I have added a couple of more "Blogs that I read"
Check them out , Iknow that you will enjoy them


Over at Tacky Raccoons I found these
The first is a Doo Wop song from 1962 by the Five Discs
entitled "Never Let you Go"



Not only is it a great tune it is complimented with a great movie clip from the 1938
zany comedy "You can't take it with you"
starring James Stewart and Jean Arthur

The second great Video Clip was The 1959 Marty Robbins hit El Paso

What makes this so good is the cameo role played out by Steve Martin

Ithink this was made for MTV in the early 70's

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an "Australian treasure!" General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Thanks Geoff Collins

TODAYS CARTOONS

Ex Wife Jokes

A cop tries to pull over a guy for speeding who tries to outrun him.

Finally the guy gives up and pulls over.

The now PO'd cop walks up and yells at the guy,

"What's the big idea?"

The guy responds, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said,

"and I was afraid he was trying to give her back!"

"Off you go," said the officer.

She was a great housekeeper. When we divorced, she kept the house.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant,

and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin

as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife.

She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago,

and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My goodness!" says the wife.

"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild,

but when they go, they take your house and car.




Why, Hi There!

An elder Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren.

He said to them:

"A fight is going on inside of me. A terrible fight.

It is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humanity, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

The same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too."
They thought about it for a minute,

then one child asked his grandfather:

"Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied..."The one you feed."



Chicks in a hot tub

A man is waiting in the doctor's office.

A casual aquaintance walks in and sits down next to him, and asks,

"W-w-w what are y-y-y you d-d-d doing here?"

The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W-w-why d-d do y-y-you w-w-want to s-s-s-see him?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."

"A p-p-prostate p-p-problem? W-w-what's th-th-that?"

"I pee like you talk."

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.

As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake,

a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.

Soon came another carp who stole it away

and then a third joined in.

Remarked one of the fisherman,
"That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

Very punny

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off? Well!!! He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes in verse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done

Peek a boo

Camera shy Pandas

The Stripper Bear

New Babies

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family

who were waiting for the news:

"We had twins!"

The family was so excited they immediately asked,

"Who do they look like?"

The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other."

A man goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy,

and the father replies, "Euro."

The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.

The man says: "What?

There weren't any objections when

I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."

"There's a new baby at our house," little Sally (aged 4) informed the mailman.

"Is that so? Is he going to stay?" asked the mailman.

"I think so," replied Sally glumly.

"He's got all his things off."

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby,

the mother had to go out to do some errands,

so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying,

the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full

."Here's the problem," the doctor explained.

"He just needs to be changed."

The perplexed father remarked,

"But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

Signs of the times

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
*************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Thanks Jane Bradford


Its a Wonderful World

Say Cheese!

Western Australia

An aerial photo of Wolfe Creek Crater

On the Tanami Track south of Halls Creek

The true spirit of the Olympics

Top Ten Signs You’re a Fundamentalist Christian
10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions,

but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.
9 - You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved

from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim

that we were created from dirt.
8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah,

but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah

slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus”

and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua”

including women, children, and trees!
6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans,

and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women,

but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary,

who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed,

came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes

in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years),

but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen

sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those

who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects -

will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering.

And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”
3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology,

and physics have failed to convince you otherwise,

some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues”

may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.
2 - You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers.

You consider that to be evidence that prayer works.

And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible,

Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.


Today's music

Australian Crawl

The Boy's light up

Now, here is something a little different

Lyle Lovett and Buckwheat Zydeco

with some cajun music Gotta love it!!

That was your Mother

103
Back home after a relaxing few days in Sydney
Below are a couple of snaps of many
First one taken from Taronga Zoo and looking back towards the city
and the other near the maritime Museum, Darling Harbour

On February 15th 1965 Nat King Cole passed away

Nat King Cole Unforgettable with his daughter Natalie

On another sad note, yesterday Australia lost a legend Smoky Dawson

Smoky was 94

Here is one of his last recordings [2006]

Watch at 1min 30 picture with late Slim Dusty

Home stead of my Dreams

RIP Mate

Today's Cartoons

For golfers only

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers .. neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of> beers.

#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7... Foursomes are encouraged.

#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5... Three times a day is possible.

#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3.. If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....

#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

An important event I missed whilst in Sydney was Valentines Day

Here's my contribution

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic,

he said, it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said,

“Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction,

she sweetly gave the kisses back and said,

“Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said,

“That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said,

“That’s long division!”



An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

At thewoman's insistence,

they agreed that a prenuptial agreement would be drawn up.

She said: I want to keep my house.

He said that's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me

.She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: That's fine with me..................

Put me down for Fridays............

Another event that happened while I was away

was the Chinese New Year

The Year of the Rat

A couple of golden oldies
It Makes you Wonder........

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane

when the stranger turned to her and said,

"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation

with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,

"What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger.

"How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you aquestion first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little round pellets,

while a cow turns out a flatpatty,

and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says,

"Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies,

"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power

when you don't know shit?"
thanks to Don Henry

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return,

the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all

and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load

and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied,

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

thanks David Jamieson




Biggest Size you've got please

Have posted this for my readers in the States

Don't know how true it is

Perhaps they will let me know

You are what you read . . .

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the Country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the Country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another Country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Inquirer is read by people trapped in line at the Grocery store.


More Cartoons

It's a Wonderful World

My good Friend Bunk from Tacky Raccoons sent me this clip

Like me , he is a big fan of Johnny Cash

Johnny Cash and Joe Strummer

The Redemption Song



Another great Country legend who is not with us anymore

Marty Robbins

My Woman My Woman My Wife

102
Hot, sultry weather continues with Thunderstorms threatening but nothing happening
If only it would rain, just to clear the air
More of the same forecast in the next few days
This is the last post for about a week as I am off to Sydney for awhile

Heres Chris Farlow to get you going

Out of Time

A priest and a rabbi had a tremendous rivalry going,
each going to extremes of piety to impress the other.
It just happened that both of them got new cars at the same time.
It also happened that they both drove into a gas station at the same time.
The priest said a blessing over his car -- in Latin.
The rabbi said his own blessing over his own car -- in Hebrew.
The priest went to put some water in the radiator,
making it clear his car would benefit from the "holy" water.
The rabbi said nothing, but quietly reached into the trunk of his car,
took out a hacksaw,
and cut the end off the exhaust pipe.

Illusions

http://view.break.com/370979 - Watch more free videos



Cartoons....Animals




pinched from Miss Cellania

Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and

obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks:

"Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, not recognizing Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.

"It's a quarter to six", he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad.Check this out..."

He shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says

"The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent.

Afew more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.

Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city.

The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."

Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration.

"That's not all...", says Jake.

He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map

of New York City appears on the display.

"The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, " explains Jake.

"View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state

."I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potentia lprofits

after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout the world.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs",says the inventor.

"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that

"the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver witha digital tuner,

a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125meters,

a pager with thermal paper print out and,

most impressive of all,the capacity for voice recordings of up to

300 standard-size books,though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with desire.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1,000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"

"But it's just not..."

"I'll give you $15,000 in cash for it!"

And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet.

Jake stops to think.

He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development,

and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it readyfor merchandising

in maybe a year or so...

Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Jake:

"Here it is,right here and now, $15,000! Take it or leave it!"

Jake abruptly makes his decision:

"Okay,"he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.

They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger.

Bill Gates turns around warily and says:"What?"

Jake points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal.

"Don't forget your batteries."

The latest Campaign button from the USA


thanks Jim King



What Antlers are for


Its a man thing...Thanks Gordon Hamilton





Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.
Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
There is no access to fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done:
There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily,
which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings;
clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m;
make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks,
a tortilla and one marker;
and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off based on performance.
The winner gets to go back to his job.

More Cartoons






thanks Gordon Hamilton

A fellow was walking along a country road and came upon a farmer working in his field.

The man called out to the farmer

and asked how long it would take him to get to the next town.

The farmer didn't answer.

So, after waiting a bit, the fellow started walking again.

After the man had gone about 100 yards,

the farmer yelled, "About 20 minutes."

Confused, the man turned back toward the farmer and inquired,

"Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Well," said the farmer,

"I didn't know how fast you could walk."

Advert for Binoculars


Thats the Olgas ,near Ayers rock [Urulu] in the background





Spectacular video of Glacier melting in Southern Argentina






Global Warming






Job Descriptions in the Real World
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.



What a Wondeful World

Happy Hippo's

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town

and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam,

then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says,

"I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear?

You've developed the same sort of thing.

You've got a brothel sprout."

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
pinched rom Big Shot Bob in Texas




mmmmm I think there's a name for girls like this??

Two strangers, a man and a woman, meet in a cafe.

The man asks,

"My Dear, would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?"

"Well, yes, I guess I would."

"How about $100?"

"What kind of person do you think I am?"

"My Dear, we have already established that.

We are merely haggling over the price!"




Music Video's

When I was much younger my father used to play this tune from 1955 on his old 78rpm gramophone

You will notice a difference in sound level from clip to clip



Eddie Calvert ...... Oh Mein Papa

This is Chet Atkins surprising Michael Johnson with an unrehearsed version

of Oh Mein Papa

Awesome Guitar Player

Thankfully we can still enjoy this great man with these clips

Chet Atkins Oh Mein Papa

More of the same
Chet Atkins and Mark Knopfler

Poor Boy Blues

Chet Atkins and Mark Knopfler

I'll see you in my Dreams

101
On this day in 1959 the music industry lost 3 musicians who died when their
plane crashed in Iowa USA

A tribute song by Tommy Donaldson

The day the music died

Don McLean American Pie

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated;

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,

we would allbe driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (I just love this):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would causeyour car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you wouldhave to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, wasreliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but wouldrun on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason what so ever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the doorhandle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learnhow to drive all over again because none of the controls wouldoperate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

thanks to Brian Webb from Northam

Ken Cockman is selling old lawnmowers



Do you experience intolerance?
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand
and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"No,I never did dance. I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping a round and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet,
he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule,
drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around
looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
"No. But I've always wanted to."
The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old guys
thanks Jim King

Die Hardly Working



The Business of Death




Today's Cartoons

What's for "Runch"

There were two brothers, William and Wayne.

Wayne was 4, and William was 15.

Despite their difference in age, they were inseparable.

Often, they would go to the park together.

They’d play with Will’s friends for a while.

When things got too rough,

Wayne would play with the other toddlers in the sandbox.

Of course, Will would follow.

The neighbors all wondered why the boys were always together and never seemed to fight.

A neighbor finally asked the boys’ mother.

“Haven’t you heard?” asked the mother.

“Where there’s a Will, there’s a Wayne.”

Like tennis?
Here’s a little something for you tennis fans.
Thanks Jonco 'Bits and Pieces"



CARTOON OF THE WEEK

NAUGHTY NUNS

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting

you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

"The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed.

"Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says,

"I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says......

"No sister, the paper says it was the

'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed

some extra money and asked the people to prayer fully consider

giving a little extra in the offering plate.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down

and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation

and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much

and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,

pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,

"I'll take........ Him, and him and him.

What a Wonderful World

Peek a boo

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the blonde clerk,

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds,

"Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.

I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells,

"You idiot. You can't treat a cough with a laxative."

The blonde clerk responds,

"Of course you can look at him he is to scared to cough
Thanks Josie Jamieson


It will work every time

TRUE ORIGIN OF THE INTERNET

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com

did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com'.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband,

'Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when

thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load,

but simply said,

'How, dear?'

And Dot replied, 'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between

to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply

telling you which hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).' Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price,

without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy

A man named Maccabia did secrete (look it up, it means to hide)

himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading

as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches

and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches

were going to the drum maker,

one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.

And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with

Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.'

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel,

or as it came to be known 'eBay'

he said, 'We need a name that reflects what we are.'

And Dot replied, 'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.' 'YAHOO!

'Said Abraham. And that is how it all began.

Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Music videos today include foreign language tunes that were popular


Kyu Sakamoto....... Sukiyaki

Jose Feliciano....Que Sera

The Singing Nun Belgian Jeanine Deckers

Dominique

You don't have to be a hero to drink milk