115
It's Saturday night and nothing on telly, no footy to watch.
So, Imight as well put out the blog
Enjoy!!






Very clever Ad
Watch closely




Really cool pictures of ankle biters[Kids]

The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words.

· Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery's' waiting room."I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!"

· Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics.He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects."He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good.""And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness."That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"

· "Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?""And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.

· Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble."Is that you Murphy?" called his wife."Byjasis! It damned well better be!"

· Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding."Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above."To be sure I am," replied Murphy."You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" Called Gallagher."That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"

· Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first question."First, what's your name and occupation?" The compere asked."Pass", came the reply.

· PADDY... "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them.""Three?"... Suggested Shaun.
· Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle."What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer."Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy."The officer took the bottle and tried some." Why it's Irish whiskey!" he spluttered."Lord bless me!" said Paddy, "another bloomin`miracle."

· On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle."What's it for?" asked Paddy."It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them
.thanks Gordon Hamilton

Global Warming

A man died and was sent to hell.

A few seconds after his arrival, the Devil appeared in a cloud of smoke and said

“Why hello, welcome to Hell!

You’re just in time for dinner, please follow me.”
The man followed the Devil rather nervously, wondering what was going to happen,

and was surprized to find a table piled high with delicious food waiting for him.

Assuming this was his last good meal before hell started, he dug in.
When he was finished the Devil said, “Now allow me to show you to your quarters.”

The man sighed and reluctantly followed the Devil down a long hallway.

He could hear terrible blood-curdling screams coming from behind a door at the end of the hall. “Well,” he thought, “this is it.”
But to his surprize the Devil turned left at the the door,

and led him down another hallway and outside towards a magnificent beachhouse

with a Porsche in front.

When they got there the Devil handed the befuddeled man the keys to house and car,

wished him a nice stay and turned to leave.

The man couldn’t take it any longer.

He said to the Devil

“Excuse me, but I don’t understand. This is hell, and I’m being treated like a king!

What was behind the door we went past on the way here?

Is that what’s really in store for me?”

The Devil smiled and said,

“Why no, the room we went by is reserved for the Catholics.

They seem to want it that way.”

Cartoons
s

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before making passionate love, the wife tells the husband,

"Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied,

"How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds,

"Well, my first husband was a gynaecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it.

My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.

Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was.

..oh, do I miss him!"



Why Heather Mills wants all that money!!!!

Barry wonders if having sex on the Sabbath

is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

So Barry first of all goes to a catholic priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says,

"My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work

and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

Barry thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a protestant minister,

who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

Barry queries the minister and receives the same reply.

"Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath."

Not pleased with the replies, Barry then seeks out the ultimate authority:

a man of thousands of years’ tradition and knowledge.

In other words, he goes to a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question, then states,

"My son, sex is definitely play."

Barry replies,

"Thank goodness but rabbi, how can you be so sure

when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks,

"If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it





Cool Advert for concrete

Two gentlemen are using the facilities at Grand Central Station in New York.

One gentleman says to the other,

"Are you from Borough Park?"

The other gentleman exclaims,

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

The first gentleman says,

"Do you belong to Temple Beth El?"

The second gentleman exclaims,

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

The first gentleman says,

"Is Rabbi Yablonobovitz, the mohel, still there?"

The second gentleman exclaims

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

The first gentleman answers,

"Because he always cuts on a slant,

and you're peeing on my shoe!"





Still more signs

I think this should read...Chilled Beer

Best ever Business card

looks almost like Stevie boys card!!!!!



Music

Today's clip was recorded in 1986

If you like Rock n Roll

Then you'll love this

It will give you goosebumps

Ray Charles, Fats Domino and Jerry Lee Lewis

114
Not much to comment on today, except that the Footy season is under way
and the Eagles won their first game

High Speed Police chase

With a difference

Make sure you watch it all the way thru

Easter has come and gone
Read this on Big Shot Bob From Texas

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE
I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket
Walk softly and carry a big carrot
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
There's no such thing as too much candy
All work and no play can make you a basket case
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
Some body parts should be floppy
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans
Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together.

The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde,

Buffy, in great detail.

The robbery begins...
Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy,

"I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.

You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash.

Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffy.
Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes... Two minutes pass... Seven minutes pass...

and Judy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open!

And here comes Buffy.

She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car,

the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.

The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Judy says

"You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffy said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy.

"You got it all mixed up.

I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

COMPUTER CARTOONS

Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet on the street.

Ruth says to Golda,

"Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married.

He tells me he is engaged to this vonderful Jewish girl,

but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."

After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth,

"So, Ruthie, do you have any idea vat is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"

Ruth answers, "God forbid!

But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement.

You know how ve've all vorried about him.

It's past time he's settled vith a nice girl.

As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Vell...," Golda says,

"I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie.

I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."

So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly,

"Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it.

Not to vorry!

It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles."

Super Size me

At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a drunken Irishman
He’s having a few beers when a gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers,

the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the Irishman.

Leaning over towards him, he whispers,

"Do you want a blow job?"

At this the Irishman leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the crap out of him,

knocking him swiftly off his stool.

He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised

and battered in the parking lot and returns to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the Irishman

. "I’ve never seen you react like that," he says.

"Just what did he say to you?"

"I don’t know," the Irishman replied.

"Something about a job."

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them:

“It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four”.
“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Englishman retorts disbelievingly.

“Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.”
You cannot pull that one on me,” replies Paddy

“Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
“The Englishmen replies angrily,

“You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”
“Sorry,” responds Paddy,

“Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.”







American Politics

A famous Viking explorer returned home after many months at sea.

He discovered his name had been removed from the town register.

So he complained to local officials.

Upon learning of the mistake, one official apologized profusely.

He said,
“I must have taken Leif off my census.”






Yet more signs............

Music

In the early seventies Jud Strunk composed a simple, but beautiful love song

'A Daisy a Day'

Following are two videos

The first is Jud singing his hit song

After watching the first, watch the second clip

This is a creative video of the same song

This is a very clever clip about the song

In between Ihave included the lyrics in case you want to have a sing a long

Jud Strunk..A Daisy a Day

Daisy a Day Words and music by Jud Strunk)

He remembers the first time he met her.

He remembers the first thing she said.

He remembers the first time he held her,

And the night that she came to his bed.

He remembers her sweet way of saying,

"Honey, has something gone wrong?"

He remembers the fun and the teasing,

And the reason he wrote her this song:

"I'll give you a daisy a day, dear.

I'll give you a daisy a day.

I'll love you until the rivers run still

And the four winds we know blow away.

"They would walk down the street in the evening,

And for years I would see them go by.

And their love that was more than the clothes that they wore,

Could be seen in the gleam of their eyes.

As a kid, they would take me for candy,

And I loved to go tagging along.

We'd hold hands while we walked to the corner,

And the old man would sing her his song:

"I'll give you a daisy a day, dear.

I'll give you a daisy a day.

I'll love you until the rivers run still

And the four winds we know blow away.

"Now he walks down the street in the evening,

And he stops by the old candy store.

And I somehow believe he's believing

He's holding her hand like before.

For he feels all her love walking with him,

And he smiles at the things she might say.

Then the old man walks up to the hilltop

And gives her a daisy a day

."I'll give you a daisy a day, dear.

I'll give you a daisy a day.

I'll love you until the rivers run still

And the four winds we know blow away."

Jud Strunk (11 June 1936 - 5 October 1981)

was an American singer, songwriter, and comedian.

Born Justin Strunk, Jr. in Jamestown, New York,

he was raised in Buffalo, New York

where as a small boy his showmanship became evident.

After he learned to play the banjo,

Strunk began entertaining locals and went on to wide recognition after

appearances on national television network shows such as Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In

and The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.

In 1973, he wrote and recorded the song "Daisy A Day"

that made it into Billboard's Top Twenty on both the country and pop music charts.

He had three more humorous songs that made it into the country music charts

and toured with the Andy Williams Road Show.

Strunk became a folk hero of sorts in Maine and in 1970

he narrowly lost the election for a Senate seat in the state legislature.

He was also a private pilot and purchased a 1941 Fairchild M62-A.

Unfortunately, on 5 October 1981,

he suffered a heart attack while taking off in the aircraft

at the Carrabassett Valley Airport in Maine

and was killed instantly along with his passenger.

He was 45 years old.

113
G'day one and All
Happy Easter to you
If you are having the whole Easter weekend off, then good luck to you
Its Easter Sunday , here in the West
Grandkids everywhere [as well as chocolate galore]



Easter Bunny Boogie





Dear Friends and readers,
I am happy to inform you all that I have completed my MBA Degree.
I am sorry if you got surprised by knowing,
about my part time MBA (Operations), all of a sudden.
I was a bit embarrassed about telling this to all of you.
Actually I was trying for it since long time.
I used to work very hard for it late nights.
I’m glad that finally it all turned out well.
I plan to pursue my studies in this regard further.
I have scanned the certificate and pasted below so that you can have a look.
Need all your wishes for my further studies.
Thank you my friends…








Throughout the ages, men have been trying to unlock the mystery
as to why their wives who accepted them as they were before they got married,
subtly and with determination began the quest to change their behaviour
and life-style once their vows were exchanged.
Finally, the riddle was solved.
A social-scientist arrived at a simple and logical conclusion.
When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle,
she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn.
Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: aisle, altar, hymn, begins.
She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions:
aisle, altar, hymn. . .
aisle, altar, hymn. . .
aisle, altar, hymn. .
and finally, as she stops beside the groom,
the conditioning process is completed.
She looks up at him lovingly, smiling sweetly and thinks
‘I’ll alter him

Todays Cartoons

Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend.

"That's not the moon,” he says, “that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk,

so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument?

Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining.

Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said,

"Sorry, I don't live around here."


Bears not into Psycholgy

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona

when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful,

except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a”

so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,

yelled one final “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!” and rode off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant.
“Nothing,” the woman answered.

“I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist,

and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”
“Lady,” the attendant said , “Indians don’t use saddles…….!!!!”

Again with the Funny Signs

A guy's sitting in a bar having a drink.

All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him, licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear.

He's a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything.
The next thing he knows, the alien does it again.

This time the guy tells him to quit.
Five minutes later, it happens again.

This time he yells at him to stop.

Ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear.
Finally, he jumps up and screams,

" If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!".
The alien thinks about it for a second, and does it again.
The guy jumps up, pulls its pants down,

but there was nothing there!

In frustration he asks, "How do you screw?!!"
The alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.





Tough Guy

Sunset from Space

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica .
They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods

and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say

, "You foreigners!
Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So they walked in, and the Jamaican said,

"I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in...

Dey make you wild at sex.
The wife got really interested in buying the sandals,

but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the shopkeeper,

"How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon.

You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.
" So the husband, after some badgering from his wife,

finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet,

he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,

bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,

and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming,

"You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet!"...
thanks Gordon Hamilton



This should keep you amused for hours

Do you know your arse from your elbow?


Click here: Arse or Elbow?
thanks Gordon Hamilton


Music

Today's Video Clip

is Chet Atkins version of the Johnny Cash classic

Orange Blossom Special

Chet Atkins....Orange Blossom Special

112
This blog is a little late coming, but have been to Kalgoorlie over the weekend
and am still recovering
Yesterday was Paddy's Day and all the blogs that I have read today have their Irish content
Here's my input




NOOKIE GREEN
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...
A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -
Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession.
These are my sins:
Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.
That is your sin?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven.
Go out and say one "Our Father."
The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels.
Father, it has been one month since my last confession.
These are my sins:
I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.
The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...
Those are your sins?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven.
Go out and say three "Hail Mary’s."
The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down.
Father, it has been six months since my last confession.
These are my sins:
I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.
This time, the priest has to ask
– Who is this Nookie Green
Just a woman I know, Father.
Very well - you are forgiven.
Go out and say ten "Hail Mary’s."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green
woman is...
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass.
The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman,
a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels
and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it.
She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.
The priest cannot help but stop and stare.
He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy -
Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?
The altar boy has a look and says,
"No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

AER LINGUS?

As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul.

The brakes screeched , the tyres squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few meters from the edge of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus,

"Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but did ya see how fookin wide it is?"

Cherry Wheeler and the Spudding Tatemacle choir
The Potato Song




Coming Soon




Coming even Sooner
After a long hot summer , this Thursday sees the start of the AFL 2008 Football season..... Can hardly wait


Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked,
"Is It true theys suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' People to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants Fer makin' them fat, an cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin'.... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"



In the last blog [no 111] I posted those blokes Cat Fishing
My good mate from Tacky Raccoons [Bunk] says this method of fishing is called "noodling" and these fellows can lose fingers if they pick up a turtle instead.
In the North of Western Australia where there are plenty of mangroves and big tides blokes go 'Mud crabbing"
If one of these strong little buggers gets a hold of you your fingers or toes, it will feel like they are being cut of with bolt cutters
Mud Crabs




Todays Cartoons [Misc]

INFORMATION YOU NEED

Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.

It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People".

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

The difference between the Pope and your boss...

the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.

I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.

I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will.

He said, "Will? What Will?

I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

Golf Tragedy
Vern was teeing off from the men's tee.

On his downswing, he realised that his wife, Lucrecia,

was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner:" Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head.

You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Vern: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
Coroner: "I also found a golf ball wedged up her arse."
Vern: "Was it a Titleist 3?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was."
Vern: "That was my provisional."

There is a traditional sport in Ireland, "cliff shoving."

It involves a small rodent, the rarie, being pushed off a cliff.

The competitor who pushes the rarie over the edge with the least effort wins.

Of course, these days people aren't so keen on blood sports.

So, the rodents are nudged into a small shallow pit.

Recently, an Australian competed.

During a break, he mentioned that he'd had an 18-hour journey to get there.

"But I knew it would be a long flight," he said.

"After all, it's a long way to tip a rarie."

Cool Cloud pictures

As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day,

I over heard some of the children talking about their siblings

."My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.

"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"

---------------------------------------------

Sally told her friend,

"I was worried that my mechanic might try to ripme off,

so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

---------------------------------------------

Why is it, that whenever someone says there's a million stars in the galaxy alone,

they always believe you.

But whenever you say there's wet paint, they always have to test it to make sure.

-------------------------------------------

A boy was in class oneday when his teacher asked him to tell him what shin meant.

The boy said" well in my house, a shin is a device for finding furniture".

---------------------------------------------

"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says,

'You may nowkiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the groom." -David Gunter

--------------------------------------------

I have to relate a true story as real life stories are the funniest. Iwent to visit my 80 year old mother in the nursing home recently and she was concerned and annoyed there was a fly constantly hovering around her,

so I said don't worry it will be dead in three days.

Her reply"yeh, well I saw it having s e x this morning so there's going to be more"

---------------------------------------------

I used to be part of a barbershop quartet, but we never went anywherebecause there were only two of us!

---------------------------------------------

This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian club."

---------------------------------------------

I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types:

Fast and with lots of mistakes.

---------------------------------------------

Did you hear what happened to the butcher?

He backed into a meat slicerand got a little behind in his work.

---------------------------------------------

During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next

to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing,

the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking,

he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude,

the pilot responded,"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!

"Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician

said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,

"Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum."
Thanks Robert Doohan




Does this Microsoft picture look familiar??

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk

.When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons...

so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,

"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I need to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it in my eyes."



Some more funny signs

Music

Here is one of the Drifters greatest hits from 1964

The original group featuring Johhny Moore

You can sing along with the clip

Enjoy
Under the Boardwalk

111
Hot weather continues with those in South Australia sweltering this week



Extremely touching and thought provoking!!

I found this beautiful Aussie Summer poem
and thought it might be a comfort to you.
It was to me and it's very well written;
I hope you enjoy it because it's the best piece of English literature
I've seen in quite a while....
'An Aussie Summer ' a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre


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Stone the flamin crows mate!!
Its blooody hot mate



You're A Texan If...
1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, Sabine, San Antonio, Burnet, Boerne, Nacogdoches, Mexia, Waco, Amarillo, and Waxahachie.
2. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
3. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
6. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You measure distance in minutes.
8. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit
11. You know cow-pies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has had a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
15. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol; a Ford F350 4x4 is.
17. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressin'.
18. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
19. You actually understand this and you are "fixin' to" send it to your friends.
20. Finally, you are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."



A couple of good old boys
Cat Fishing in the Mississippi

thanks to Steve Mulvaney

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older.

The first guy said “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.”
“What do you mean?” asked the second guy.
“Well,” replied the first. “I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed,

but my wife is healthier than ever!”

“Healthier? How is that?” his buddy wondered.

“Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get these terrible headaches.” he answered.

“Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years.”

CARTOONS [Misc]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch,

they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,

“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,

I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, noLess.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister

a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph Office, and says,

“I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck

and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her,

then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises

that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says,

“I want you to send her the word “comfortable.”
The operator shakes his head

“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer

to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch

if you send her just the word “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde.

The word is big.

She’ll read it very slowly…

“Com-for-DA-bul.”

Arab sex

A guy from a Muslim country was bragging that in HIS country

there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one."

"Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one? And which way is that?"

"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . ."

"Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"



Aussie Beer

Carlton Draught Beer ad

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,

charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip toTownsville.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus,

and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,

having a great time,

when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear,

staring straight ahead at the road,

clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
the brunette asked, “What the heck’s going on up here?
We’re having a great time downstairs!”
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered…
“YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!?!”




Albino Koala

Some funny signs

Hamish and Dougal are sitting in the pub discussing Hamish’s forthcoming wedding.
“Ach, it’s all going grand,” says Hamish.

“I’ve got everything organized already:

the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.”
Dougal nods approvingly.
“Heavens, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Hamish.
“A kilt?” exclaims Dougal.

“That’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in that. And what’s the tartan?”
“Och,” says Hamish,

“I imagine she’ll be in white.”

Inexplicable behavior

There was a young Scottish lad named Angus who decided to try life in America.

He found an apartment in a small building and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen

to see how her son was doing in his new life.

"I'm fine," Angus said,

"But there are some really strange people living here in America.

One woman cries all day long, another lies on her floor moaning,

and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time."

"Well, ma wee laddie," says his mother,

"I suggest you don't associate with people like that."

"Oh," says Angus, "I don't, Ma'am, I don't.

No, I just stay inside ma apartment all day and night, playing ma bagpipes."

MUSIC

It has been quite awile since we had some Aussie videos

This Aussie group was huge in Australia and England and parts of Europe

Their biggest hit was "Friday on my Mind"

Posted below are three of the groups successful hits in Australia

Crank up your sound and enjoy the

EASYBEATS

She's so Fine




I'll make you happy



Come and See her

110
Well,another weekend dead and buried,
and I am absolutely buggered,
having worked all weekend
However there is a method in my madness,
am off to Kalgoorlie next weekend to enjoy a schooner[beer] or two

What were they thinking

pinched from Shelleys Snippets

You Know You are from Finland if!!!
You meticulously manage your plastic bag collection.

You don`t think twice about putting wet dishes in the cupboard to dry.

Silence is fun.

Your coffee consumption exceeds 8 cups a day.

You pass a grocery store and think: "Wow, it`s open!"

Your native language has seriously deteriorated.

Now you "eat medicine", "open the television", and "close the lights off".

You associate pea soup with Thursday.

Your notion of street life is reduced to hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights.

After a presentation, you finally stop asking "Are there any questions?"

Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.

You no longer look at a track suit as casual wear, but consider it acceptable for formal occasions.

Neither do you see a problem wearing white socks with loafers.

You accept alcohol as food.

You no longer eat mashed potatoes - you eat smashed potatoes.

You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.

You know that "one" beer means "let`s get pissed."

When a stranger smiles at you, you assume he is drunk, insane, or American.

You`ve become lactose intolerant.

You know how to prepare herring 105 different ways.

CARTOONS [Misc]

Cheating Wife
A man and a woman meet at a bar one night and are getting along really well.

They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate lovemaking.

The woman suddenly turns up her ear and says,

"Quick, my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!"

So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.

"Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside,

so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you."

"Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him

and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the hell are you?" the man asks.

"I am from the exterminator company,

your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you're naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

"In Fyfe, Scotland, there's an annual tench-eating competition

[tench are small fish like sardines].

The world champion, Sven from Finland, was in Fyfe to defend his title.

Local boy Hix won through to the final and it was a contest between him and Sven.

The result was that Hix ate 27 tench and Sven managed only nine -

so Hix was crowned world champion.

The headline?
One To Three For Fyfe's Hix, Sven Ate Nine Tench."
This is possibly the worst pun I have ever posted on this site.



Those of you that have ever watched an Alfred Hitchcock movie

will have noticed that he nearly always appear somewhere in the movie in a cameo role

Here is a collection

Wanker of the Week

A MONSTER crocodile came within a metre of making a meal of a foolhardy fisherman

in a Top End river last week.
The saltie came alongside the small boat

– probably looking for a free feed of fish

– and suddenly exploded out of the water.
It almost got to grips with 27-year-old Novon Mashiah,

who was leaning over the back of the dinghy posing for a photograph.

The crocodile – estimated to be more than 4m long

– hit the side of the boat and then fell back into the water.
"One minute I was leaning over the boat teasing it for a picture," Mr Mashiah said.

"The next minute it burst out of the water . . .
"I jumped back and the croc landed on the boat and then slipped into the water.

I was shaking."
Mr Mashiah's mate, Doron Aviguy, 22, took the photograph from a bigger boat nearby.

The two Israeli backpackers were working as fishermen on the South Alligator River

when they saw the saltie on Friday morning

and Mr Mashiah "began playing with it for a photo".
"I was pointing at it when it suddenly jumped up at me.
"I didn't realise that crocs were so aggressive
[Duh!!]



A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.""Me neither, doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:1. All the DNA is the same.2. There are no dental records.

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."Joe: "Really?"Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.He said, "I did that by accident."She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."He replied, "How did you know?"She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

Smile............ and the whole orld smiles with you

A friend in need...is a friend indeed

SOME DEFINITIONS

BEAUTY PARLOR A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage.

INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed


MUSIC
Today's music video's feature two hits from Don Gibson

Born 1928 passed away 2003

Don Gibson....Sea of Heartbreak [1961]

Don Gibson....Oh Lonesome Me

Next weekend John Fogerty will appear in a Music Festival in Fremantle

Here he is with a song he recorded after breaking away from Credence

He is singing the 1928 Jimmy Rogers song

California Blues....[Blue Yodel No 4]

109
G'day all
Rain forecast for tomorrow
Lets hope it happens

Last night in Brisbane Australia played India in the second game of the current 50 overs tri series [which they lost again]

Anyhow one of the events that happened during play a streaker entered the field of play.

Big mistake heading for Andrew "Roy" Symonds as he has had some training runs with the Brisbane Broncos rugby team. The streaker had his day in court today and was fined $1500

Onya Roy

What a hit ..Kid



You know you're Australian if.....
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin
.4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.
30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".
35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".
36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber"
.43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.



CATS

Irish Shepherd
Shamus the Irish shepherd went to his doctor with a strange rash on his chest & stomach.
The doctor says to shamus, "lad, I've known you for many years and I'll be frank,

that's a lanoline burn"
Shamus admits he's been tendering the sheep with a bit to much tender care.
But the doctor was confused. "How do you get lanoline on your chest??" he asked.
Shamus replied he'd been laying underneath the sheep, instead from behind.
The doctor asked why??
"It's not the same without the kissing!?!"

Young Tereas came home and related the awesome news to her parents.

She was pregnant!
“How do you know it’s yours? Asked Paddy, her dad.

There was a power failure in a Dublin Department store.
Thousands of shoppers were stranded on the escalators for hours!

Did you hear about the Irish guy who thought that Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
thanks Gordon Hamilton

Pepsi Godfather

Over the years one of the highest rating TV Shows has been M.A.S.H

In fact there are re runs on Foxtel cable even now

Stole this link from Miss Cellania just for all you MASH tragics
Where are they now:

the Cast of M*A*S*H.

Hint: they are either dead, painting pictures, or have a new movie coming out.






they are so many to pick from??

Probably are!!!!





-----

BOTH OF THESE STORIES ARE TRUE

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
STORY NUMBER ONE Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago...

Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic.

He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze

and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed 'Easy Eddie.' He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason.

Eddie was very good!

In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well.

Not only was the money big, but also, Eddie got special dividends.

For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help

and all of the conveniences of the day.

The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration

to the atrocity that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however.

He had a son that he loved dearly.

Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education.

Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.

And, despite his involvement with organized crime,

Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong...

Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.

Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son;

he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision.

Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done.

He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al 'Scarface' Capone,

clean up his tarnished name,

and offer his son some semblance of integrity.

To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob,

and he knew that the cost would be great...

So, he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street.

But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer,

at the greatest price he could ever pay.

Police removed from his pockets

a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.

The poem read:

'The clock of life is wound but once,

and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop at late or early hour.

Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will.

Place no faith in time.

For the clock may soon be still.'________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes.

One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.

He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier USS Lexington in the South Pacific. One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission.

After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.

He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.

His flight leader told him to return to the carrier.

Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold.

A squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding toward the American fleet.

The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless.

He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet.

Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.

There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert themfrom the fleet.

Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in,

attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another.

Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes

as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault He dove at the planes,

trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible

and rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.

Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.

Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return.

The film from the gun-mounted camera on his plane told the tale.

It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet.

He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942,

and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II,

and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29.
His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade,

and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage ofthis great man.

So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International,

give some thought to visit Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor.

It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was 'Easy Eddie's' son.
thanks Jim King

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror, after a relaxing bath.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..

."God...if you take away my love handles,

I'll devote my life to you," sheprayed.
And at that very moment, her ears fell off...........
thanks Jammo


Oh .......for a dogs life

MUSIC
Ihad forgotten what a great singer Jay Black was until one of the local radio stations played this today

Ithink he started out as an opera singer, but a very smart manager got him into the pop music industry
Jay and the Americans

Cara Mia

Come a little bit closer

108
It's the Labor day long weekend here in the West
Good weekend for those fortunate enough to get the
three day break as the weather is in the low 30's









Funny Animals

Eyewitness
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.

Once he was given the money,

he turned to a customer and asked,

"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,

"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied,

"No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.
thanks Gordon Hamilton

Todays Cartoons .....Fairy tales

How to be a "KID" again
1. Do a cartwheel.

2. Sing into your hairbrush.

3. Walk barefoot in wet grass.

4. Play a song you like really loud, over and over.

5. Dot all your “i”’s with smiley faces.

6. Read the funnies. Throw the rest of the paper away.

7. Dunk your cookies

.8. Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.

9. Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.

10. Change into some play clothes.

11. Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.

12. Eat ice cream for breakfast.

13. Kiss a frog, just in case.

14. Blow the wrapper off a straw.

15. Have someone read you a story.

16. Find some pretty stones and save them.

17. Wear your favorite shirt with you favorite pants even if they don’t match.

18. Take a running jump over a big puddle.

19. Get someone to buy you something you really don’t need.

20. Hide your vegetables under your napkin.

21. Stay up past your bedtime.

22. Eat dessert first

.23. Fuss a little, and then take a nap.

24. Wear red gym shoes.

25. Put way too much sugar on your cereal.

26. Make cool screeching noises every time you turn a corner.

27. Giggle a lot for no reason.

28. Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today




Spring Snowmen

If I win office!!

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her,

“Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?

“Are you nuts?!!!” she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asks again.
“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?”
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ;

“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says,

“Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here.

Let’s go to that dark alley over there .”
So they go into the alley,

where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them,

fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them,

but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks,

“Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”
“Nah”, says the Scotsman… “Costs too much…”


Only in America

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish

by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house,

he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says

"What's the food like here?"
The resident lion says:
"Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

Hi Folks!! Meet the Missus and the gang

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEAT-MATES ON A PLANE

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up your laptop.

4. Make sure the dude who is annoying you, can see the screen of your laptop.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head upwards to the sky

and move your lips like you are praying.

6. Then hit this link

This is wonderful harmless (in)action from some brilliant people.
would have loved to be there....
just click on the link below.



http://www.gadling.com/2008/02/01/best-prank-ever-stopping-time-at-grand-central-station/


Thanks Josie Jamieson





G'day Mate

Rabbits

Elephant Stew
Here’s a great recipe I think I might try.
1 medium elephant

Brown gravy

Salt & Pepper

2 Rabbits (optional)
Cut elephant into bite size pieces.

This should take about two months.

Ad enough brown gravy to cover.

Cook over 465 F kerosene fire for about four weeks.
Serves 3,800.
Note: If more are expected, two rabbits may be added,

but do this only if necessary,

as most people do not like hare in their stew.

Music

One of my all time favourite groups in the 60's were

The Dave Clark Five

Here are two of their lesser known hits

RIP Mike Smith

Because

Everybody Knows