152
It continues to rain and Perth has surpassed its July average rainfall in almost a decade



Who will win???
US versus Australia

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers.

He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other,

an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says

"Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!,"

right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,

"Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly.

They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered.

"Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says.

The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!

This time the Englishman is really mad!

"Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts

"You can't do that" says the Irishman.

"Leprechauns don't have dicks."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the bewildered Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman.

"They go SPLBLBLBLBT."

---------------------------------------------

Coke heads........Japanese style

Doe in the Woods

Q: What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods?

A: I'll never do that for two bucks again.


A sea of Satellite dishes

Useful Phrases to Know When Travelling in the Middle East

AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency. TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe.



Cartoons

Alien lands in Brooklyn

Never trust a woman

Bunk over @Tacky Raccoons will like this video


Soccer chick

I'm the first

Hideout

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;

YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at

the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,

BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'


Dreaming my Dreams
Marianne Faithfull

Waylon Jennings

Hooked on a ceiling

Uh..Oh!!!!!

Money
It can buy you a House,

But not a Home.

It can buy you a Bed,

But not Sleep.

It can buy you a Clock,

But not Time.

It can buy you a Book

,But not Knowledge.

It can buy you a Position,

But not Respect.

It can buy you Medicine,

But not Health.

It can buy you Blood,

But not Life.

It can buy you Sex,

But not Love.

So you see, money isn't everything.

The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying!

I tell you all this because I am your Friend,

and as your Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering...

So send me all your money

and I will suffer for you.

A truer Friend than me you will never find.

CASH ONLY, PLEASE

Here you go then ,just for you

Remember the Beverley Hillbillies

Well, here's Jed Clampett, the Rock Star

THE LAST SAY
* A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
* Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
* Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
* Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
* Don't let your mind wander; it's far too small to be let out on its own.
* Don't thank me for insulting you; it was a pleasure.
* Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
* Grasp your ears firmly and pull; you might just be able to remove your head from you ass.
* He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
* Her mouth is dirtier than a rubber toilet seat.
* I bet you get bullied a lot.
* I can tell that you are lying; your lips are moving.
* I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
* I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
* I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
* I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you've done yourself?
* I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
* I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
* I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
* I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
* I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
* I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
* If I want shit from you, I'll squeeze your head.
* If sex were fast food, you'd have and M-shaped arch over your head.
* If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
* If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
* I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
* I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
* I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
* I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
* Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
* Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
* People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
* Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
* She's the first in her family born without tail.
* Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
* That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
* This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
* What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
* Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
* What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
* When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
* You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
* You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
* You are not even beneath my contempt.
* You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
* You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
* You grow on people, but so does cancer.
* You have a nasty speech impediment…your foot.
* You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
* You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
* You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
* Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
* You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.

151

Wet and Windy and miserable in Perth today



That reminds me

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian.

Above the old Indian was a sign that read,

-$5.00 -

If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask,

"Is the sign right?"

The Indian says, "Yes."

The cowboy hands him a five and says, "You're on!"

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots

and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine.

Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up

and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots.

The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money.

He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up,

dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian.

He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!"

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled.

The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian.

The Indian says, "You're from New Zealand!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out

how the Indian could know that, so he asks,

"How in the world did you know I'm from New Zealand?"

The Indian replies,

"By the wool in your zipper."

-------------------------------------------------------

He came, He saw, He logged out

Some Funny TV Bloopers

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense….
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,

“I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.

One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,

“He’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number.

The next day you call and say,

“Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie,

you walk up to her and pour her a drink.

You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,

“By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

She walks up to you and says,

I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.

Cartoons

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married.

She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is a virgin too,

but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets

as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers,

'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.

I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.

You juss ask. Whatc hu want?' he says,

trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back,

'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls...

Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want.........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'




No Overtaking.........OK

Rockin all over the World

Status Quo

John Fogerty

Great truths about life that I have learned

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
7. Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.
8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
9. If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
10. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Two lions, Roger and Clarence, go to Dublin for a weekend on the pints.

Roger is pretty much a man's man, straight forward hetero,

whereas Clarence - well, Clarence minces and simpers,

he likes to wear leather, you know the kind of thing.

So anyway, they start their pub crawl near their hotel, on Baggot Street, in Toner's.

They're enjoying their drinks and the craic,

then they finish up and decide to move on to the next pub.

"Where should we try next?" Roger asks.Clarence consults his guide book.

"It says the Cobblestone bar in Smithfields is pretty good - good for music and the like.

Shall we try there?"

"Are you crazy?" says Roger.

"That's miles away! Why don't we go to Doheny & Nesbitt's, it's just up the street!"

Which all goes to prove..

.The shortest distance between two pints is a straight lion

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

"I can't serve you." says the bartender.

"You're Bard!"








Haven't posted any pictures of Bears for awhile

Here are a few

The Lonely Panda

Russian Bear

Siesta

Polars bears enjoying a day at home

A bear Joke

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse

is that he always has to tell a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the headmaster that she is fed up with his exaggerations.
The headmaster tells her to send Billy to him the next time he turns up late.
He’ll tell Billy a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever!
The next day Billy shows up two hours late.
Billy says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school.
I caught a seventeen pound trout and had to take it home.
If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mum would’ve been angry. That’s why I’m so late.”
The teacher promptly takes him to the headmaster’s office and explains the story to him.
The headmaster tells Little Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me.
I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me.
He was twenty four feet tall and had six-inch fangs.
He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me.
What do you think of that, Johnny?”
Little Johnny replies,

“Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky. That’s his third bear this week.”







Don't hold your breath waiting!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thought for the Day

150

Is it just me, or have you noticed that every 2nd blog you look at

there are pictures and photos of cats

What is the fascination with cats!!!!

My wife has two and several hanging around

If Ihad my way we would live in a cat-less society

Picture stolen from ..Blame it on the voices

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she she says, rolling her eyes.

"What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"Yeah, so?" she says.

"What color are you going to wear tonight?"
"Gold of course," the man says proudly.
"Really, dear, why don't you wear Silver," she responds.

"It would be nice if you were second for a change!"
"That's fine," he said without missing a beat.

"As long as you have your sister here for 'Bronze night'."


A couple of funny Ads from Indian TV

----------------------------------------------------

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

'How much do you weigh?' she asks.

'115,' she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?''

5 foot 8,' she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5 foot 5.

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' she screams,

'When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!'

---------------------------------------------------------

Good for Business[it pays to advertise]

Beer is now cheaper than gas.
Drink, don't drive!
You prefer coffee? CLICK HERE!
Place your coin in the slot
and select your coffee
----------------------------



Cartoons

It Doesn't matter anymore
Linda Ronstadt


Judith Durham [Seekers]

A WOMAN’S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN’S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

Thought for the day
Where there's a will...

There's a dead person.








Are you the Plumber????

Two residents of an old folk's home were sitting alone in the lobby one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady,

"I know just what you're wanting.

For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued,

"For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there."
She flushed a bit, but still said nothing.
"But for $20," he finally said,

"I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,

and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
She still didn't say anything, so the man kept quiet.

But after a couple minutes she started digging into her purse.

She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up toward the man.
"So," the man says with a grin,

"you want the nice romantic evening in my room!"
"Get serious," she snapped.

"What do I need romance for at my age?

Give me four times in the rocker!"

-----------------------------------------

What's the difference?
What's the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?

The hematologist pricks your finger.





The Bear and the Bee

stolen from Bits and Pieces



Phillips Brewing offers you an Ale

149



As mentioned in the last post, the Pope visited Australia last week
One of the highlights of his visit was last Thursday.
Over 100,000 young people fromall over the globe attended World Youth Day
Below is one of the Tshirts that were available to purchase


I've been touched by the Pope Down Under
--------------------------------------------


Banned Aussie Tv Ad
One day your gunna get caught




Funny Aussie animals






The Popular Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
While they were walking through the barn,
the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket
and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer,
he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer,
he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and say,
'Yes, it was.'
The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?'
and I would shake my head and say,
'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
------------------------------------------




Cartoons......Misc

There are just over seven months until the American election that will decide

the next President of the United States.

The person elected will be the president of all Americans,

not just the Democrats or the Republicans.

Americans, show your solidarity!

You should all get together and show each other your support for the candidate of your choice. It’s time that you all came together,

Democrats and Republicans alike:

If you support the policies and character of Barack Obama,

please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support John McCain,

please drive with your headlights off at night.

-------------------------------------------

A Russian who had lived through the rule of Nicholas II,

who ended czarism for good by abdicating in 1917, when communism began,

was telling the story of his hard life to a sympathetic group in an inn,

in return for which he was being provided with vodka in large measure.

"Ahh" said the peasant, "it's good to taste that good spirit again.

When I was a young man, although there should have been plenty of food and drink

to go around, Nicholas II would waste it all on gluttony

and feasts for all his noble friends,

leaving us peasants and serfs to scramble for food

in the gutters of Moscow and St Petersburg.

"He shook his head and sighed.

"Yes, I was born under a squandering Czar!"

--------------------------------------------------------



Its under here somewhere!!!!!!!!!!!!

Save the last dance for me
The Drifters

Michael Buble

I love Mommy

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared

to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,

"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,

there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied.

"The rest are for your father."

-----------------------------------------------


Limo ......home on wheels

What's the worst thing about being an atheist?

You don't have anybody totalk to when you're having sex

--------------------------------

The Blonde and the Mechanic..........
The blonde's car was making a funny noise, so she took it in to the garage

down the street from where she worked, then walked back to the office.

She told her friend,

'I'm getting the car seen to because it makes this funny clicking noise

.''Let me know how you make out,' her friend said.

'I'm afraid the mechanic is going to rip you off because you're a woman.'

At lunchtime, the garage called to say her car was ready.

She walked down and picked it up,

then drove to the restaurant where she was meeting her friend.

As she sat down to eat, her friend asked,

'Well,how did it go?''

The mechanic was very nice, and very honest, too

.''He didn't rip you off?

''No. He said it was an easy fix and only charged me $20.

All I needed was some turn signal fluid.'

stolen from Big Shot Bob in Texas

148
I'm a Snap Dragon

Coke wins this round with a great video

The Pope is in Australia this week

So here is a Pope joke

The Pope Arrives in Heaven............
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him.

St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: 'I am the pope.'

St. Peter: 'Who? There's no such name in my book.'

The Pope: 'I'm the representative of God on Earth.'

St.Peter: 'Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ...'

The Pope: 'But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ...'

St. Peter: 'The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss.'

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: 'There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth.'

God: 'I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ...

Wait, I'll ask Jesus.' (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: 'Yes father, what's up?'

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: 'Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.'

Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room laughing out loud.

After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: 'Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago?

It still exists!'

stolen from Big Shot Bob in Texas

-----------------------------------------------------

Microsoft Use

Where did I put the soap??

Are you scared of heights???

Republican
This little old lady calls 911.

When the operator answers she yells,

"Help, send the police to my house right away!

There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed.

"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird;

I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican,

he'd be screwing somebody!"

------------------------------------------------

Durex

Can't find the key??

Here it is!!!

Blue Bayou
Roy Orbison

Linda Ronstadt

Cartoons.......Seniors

Three Bulgarians -

Hristo, Vladko and Gyorgi -

were discussing the first thing they would do if they were ever freed of the communist yoke. Gyorgi said he would run to the border and kiss the ground – the earth of freedom.

Vladko said he would run and run and wouldn’t stop until he reached Paris.

Then he would kiss the stones on the Champs Elysees.

Hristo sat silent. Thoughtful.

Finally he was prodded…

Hey Hristo, what would you do?

Hristo answered.

I would climb the nearest tree.

Why would you do such a silly thing said Vladko.

To which Hristo replied.

It is the only way to avoid getting trampled to death.

-------------------------------------------

I wonder what's inside???

No, its not the chimp Tiger Woods

Its the club professional at the Gosnells Golf Club

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature

through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question

He replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,

then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden" she said.

-----------------------------------------------

Viagra

Billboards

This one is at Brisbane airport, so I'm told

Husband asks ,

“Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

?“Without Information Fighting Everytime”

Wife replies

,” No, It means

,“With Idiot For Ever !!!”

stolen from Florida 5708

147
Just to make sure your paying attention, do this
Awareness test
Awareness Test



I always knew the Scots were a little mad
Don't try any of these at home




An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub.
They all suffer from a severe stutter.
'What's it to be ?' asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
'Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..................'says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. 'Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui..............'
Then the Scotsman tries.'Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th...............'
'Oh bugger this !' says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else.
She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
'Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi', stutters the Englishman.
'Three pints of gui gui gui gui.........' tries Paddy.
And then Scotty starts 'Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th...........'.
'Look' says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet,
'If any one of you can answer a question without
stuttering I'll let you make love to me!'
Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.
'Where do you live?'
'M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch.'
'No. You lose.' says the beautiful landlady.
Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, 'Where do you live Scotty?', trying not to laugh.
'E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb.'
'Sorry, you lose.' says the gorgeous woman.
'And Paddy, where do you live?' she purrs at the Irishman.
'London' blurts out the Irishman.
'Oh. Bugger!' says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by
the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra
exposing a voluptous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow,
climbs on and goes for glory,
and then, right at the climaxing
stroke, he suddenly screams out '...............-
D D D D D D D D Derry!!'
-----------------------------------------------------------

Todays Cartoons

Country and Western Music
Q: what happens if you play country and western music backwards?

A: You get your truck back, you get your dog back,

you get your horse back, you get your girl back, …

eventually you get your life back.

-------------------------------------------------


Caught another one

What can I say!!!!!!...the sign says it all

This fellow checks into a Vegas hotel.

The Doorman hands him his key,

and he gives the Doorman a big tip, and says,

"Listen, can you get me some Italian prostitutes, and send them up to the room?"

Doorman, says, "Oh, yes, Sir. Right away, Sir."

Guy says, "Now, they have to be Italian prostitutes, understand? And,send lots of them."

"Yes sir."

A little later, girls start appearing at the door of his room.

He invites them in.

Turns out he's a vampire.

He drinks their blood and, then, pushes them off the balcony.

The Doorman is going out to get luggage

and is hit several times by the falling bodies.

He tells the manager who calls the police.

The police arrive and question the Doorman, asking him

"What's going on?"

He says, "All I know is ...

drained wops keep falling on my head."
-----------------------------------------------------------

More Punny Business

A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back.

His father said,

"How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?"

------------------------------------------------

Gary Shearston.....Iget a kick out of you





Another candidate for Parent of the year

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.

So, the monarch offered him his freedom,

as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year,

he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...

What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man,

and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition

to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone:

the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high;

as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch.

She agreed to answer the question,

but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot,

the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified.

She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth,

smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.

He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;

but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life

and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered..

.is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth

and that Arthur's life would be spared
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom

and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.

But, what a sight awaited him.

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen

lay before him on the bed.

The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch,

she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time

and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer?

Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,

but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?

Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day,

but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you read on!

OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time

because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?

Read ON!

The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way...

Things are going to get ugly

----------------------------------------------------------------



A few funny signs

Bobby Bloom....Montego Bay




Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It’s called the Anal Optic Nerve,

and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don’t believe it,

try to pull a hair from your ass

and see if it doesn’t bring a tear to your eye

--------------------------------------------------------

stolen from...........Florida 5708

stolen from.........Bits and Pieces

146

I know , I could

It's school holidays here in the West, so for the past three

days I [along with my son] took the grandkids into the

outback. We ventured to Mukinbudin to check out some

of the fascinating local scenry.

"Muka" has some amazing rock formations within its boundaries

Upon my return Iwas very surprised to read that
Miss Cellania had honoured me with this award

It is called an Arte Y Pico Award, also in Spanish.

When you get the award, you are supposed to post the original rules,
1) You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award,

creativity, design, interesting material, and also contrubutes to the blogger community,

no matter of language.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award-winning, has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the ward itself.
4) Award-winning and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of "Arte y pico" blog , so everyone will know the origin of this award.
5) To show these rules.
Therfore I award the following
It occurred to me
Florida 5708

Shelleys Snippets

Tacky Raccoons

Archies Archive

-------------------------------------------

The Club
A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead mastodon,

with a pigmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked, 'Did you kill that?'

The pigmy said, 'Yes.'

The hunter asked, 'How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?'

The pigmy said, 'I killed it with my club.'

The astonished hunter asked, 'How big is your club?'

The pigmy replied,

'We have about three hundred members.'

--------------------------------------------------------

Cartoons.....Snow White

Cartoons stolen from Miss Cellania

-------------------------------------------


Two molecules are walking down the street

and they run in to each other.

One says to the other,

"Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive
-------------------------------------------

Sometime ago Iposted this video, its funny enough for a re-run
Drambuie...Market Research with Bogans in a Sydney Pub

Day dreaming

Eminent people at work

Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times.

At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding,

he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,

"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife."

During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served.

Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"

"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.

The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor.

The accompanying card read:

"I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat."

Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.

"If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked,"

she doesn't deserve to have any."

James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,

"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."

German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained,

"Only one man ever understood me."

He fell silent for a while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."

Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, "

That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen."

His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than

a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.

"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!"

Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate,

got on better with the House of Representatives.

A popular story circulating during his presidency concerned the night

he was roused by his wife crying,

"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."

"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily,

"in the Senate maybe, but not in the House."

Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate.

His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered.

Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived.

In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS,"

Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000."

Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill

asked her what disguise she would recommend for him.

She said, "Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"

-------------------------------------------

Coke versus Pepsi

Not too sure who wins this round

Are they picking it up or delivering it?

From 1965

Chet Atkins and Floyd Cramer

Here is a link to another Floyd Cramer hit

The Last Date
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PRoCQZvYCM

Follow Me..I'll get us out of here

Off to the Teddy Bears picnic

The above two images taken from "Its Knutz'

Paddy met Mick in the street and said,

'Paddy, in future you should draw your bedroom curtains

before making love to your wife !'

'And why would I be doing that?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick, 'all the street was sniggering when

they saw you two making love all yesterday.'

Mick said, 'Nosey buggers, anyway, the laugh's on them.

I wasn't home yesterday.'

-------------------------------------

Being Irish means...

* you will never play professional basketball

* you swear very well

* at least one of your cousins holds political office

* you think you sing very well

* you have no idea how to make a long story short

* you are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf

* there isn't a huge difference between losing your temper and killing someone

* much of your food was boiled

* you have never hit your head on the ceiling

* you spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling

* you're strangely poetic after a few beers

* you're poetic a lot

* you will be punched for no good reason...a lot

* some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations

* your sister will punch you because your brother punched her

* many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary...and one is Mary Catherine Elizabeth

* someone in your family is incredibly cheap

* it is more than likely you

* you don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing

* you can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking

* "Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge"

* you're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency

* there wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last kegger party

* you are, or know someone, named "Murph"

* if you don't know Murph, then you know "Mac"

* if you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know "Sully"

* you'll probably also know Sully McMurphy

* you are genetically incapable of keeping a secret

* your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local emergency room

And last but not least...

Being Irish means...

* your attention span is so short that

---oh, forget it.

-----------------------------------------



.......................................Inaugaration

145

Old Dogs, Children and Watermelon wine....Tom T Hall

This is a pure and simple song and full of wisdom

-----------------------------------------------------

Siamese twins
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a
bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at
the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.

*The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year
and hire a car and drive for miles,don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history,
the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers &
Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English it's all soccer, cricket and how they can't beat the Aussies at anything'.

'So why keep going to England ?' asks the landlord.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'*

---------------------------------------------------

stolen from Bits and Pieces

it got me as well,Jonco
-----------------------------------------------


Coke versus Pepsi

Coke wins this round

-----------------------------------------

Cartoons for Today

Some more Tom T Hall for you to enjoy
The year Clayton Delaney died

------------------------------------------------


My neighbour has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!).
It's a Dachshund,

it's house broken,

and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her

for long periods when she is undressing ,

and that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies'.

Anyway, if you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.

Here's a picture of the dog

--------------------------------------------------------

RAPID GRAMMAR IMPROVEMENT

There were two girls seated on a plane, beside one another.

One was from the North and one from the South.

The girl from the South asked very politely,

"Where ya from?"

The girl from the North said, "

A place that knows better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South replied,

"Oh, okay, where ya from, Bitch?"

---------------------------------------

Kiwi Mouse

A man went to his dentist because his mouth felt funny.

The dentist examined him and said,

"That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding.

What have you been eating?"
The man replied,

"All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus

and put some stuff on it that was delicious.

Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
"Well," said the dentist, "that's probably the problem.

Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive.

It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate,

and this time I'll use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asked the patient.
To which the dentist replied,

"It's simple.

Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
stolen from Miss Cellania





Some Punny business

Here in Australia it is Tax return time

Some of us may even get a rebate from the Federal Government

How To Spend Your Tax Rebate Patriotically
If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If we buy a computer, It will go to India.

If we purchase a good car, it will go to Japan.

If we purchase useless crap,it will go to Taiwan

and none of it will help the Australian economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer,

since these are the only products still produced in the Australia

So...do your patriotic duty..

.as often as possible
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom T Hall.........I love beer

Apparently masturbation is good for you

- really, it is!
Sexual relief releases a chemical which stimulates the brain,

and in effect is a natural anti-depressant.

Scientific researchers reckon that if a person was to masturbate every 2 hours,

he would never feel depressed.

So, that got me thinking –

I work with a load of Fremantle Docker fans,

and they are always really happy, upbeat and jolly people.

This tends to prove what we have known all along -

they are all a bunch of Wankers.

144

Happy July 4th.....America

143

Its almost here



While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer,
who got cut on a gate while working cattle,
the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd 07 and his bid to be our Prime Minister.
The old farmer said, well, ya know, Rudd is what I call a fencepost turtle.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.
The old farmer said,
When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle.
The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he definitely doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he is up there,
and you just gotta wonder what kind of an idiot put him up there in the first place!''
-------------------------------------------------

Merle Haggard...Mama Tried

An American Army colonel and a Russian Army general
are bragging about how great their respective services are.
"In Russia," says the general, "we feed our men one thousand calories every day!"
"In America," replies the colonel, "we feed our men THREE thousand calories every day!"
"Nonsense!" exclaims the Russian.
"Nobody can eat an entire sack of potatoes in twenty-four hours!"
---------------------------------------------

Cartoons

The Nicobate Patch

Two priests are having a slash in the Vatican urinals.

Father Sigfried looks at Father Ted's old fella and notices a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at his colleague and says,

"I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your old fella."

Father Ted replies,

"Oh no, it's doing a good job there.

I'm down to two butts a day."

----------------------------------------------------------

Welcome to extreme ironing -

The latest danger sport that combines the thrills of an extreme outdoor activity

with the satisfaction of a well pressed shirt.

To be a part of this extreme sport visit extreme ironing official website

: extremeironing.com

The Ventures .............Walk Don't Run and Perfida




Engineer groupies

An American comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man.

He calls his analyst.
A German comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man.

He calls his lawyer.
A Frenchman comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man.

He calls his mistress.
An Englishman comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man.

He calls the dog and goes for a walk.
A Russian comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man.

He goes purple with rage and yells out:
"Woman, woman, you waste your time like this when there are turnips in the shops!"

--------------------------------------------------

Good Parenting..........Only in America

More good parents

A telegram was sent from Czeckoslovakia to the Kremlin

with a request to help in setting up a naval ministry.

The Kremlin was bewildered by this request as Czeckoslovakia was landlocked

so why do they need a naval ministry.

So the Kremlin asks the Czeckoslovians:

Comrades, why do you need a naval ministry?

You people don't have any seas or oceans bordering your country!

The reply:

Comrades, we need this ministry, after all you people have a ministry for culture!

---------------------------------------------



Give this bloke a medal

Man rescues bear

"Wildlife officer Adam Warwick stripped off and jumped into the sea to save the bear

who bolted into the water after being hit by a tranquiliser dart.

The 360lb black bear had bolted into the water in fright after being shot with

a tranquilliser dart when it was found roaming a Florida beachfront neighbourhood.

However, as the paralysing drug took effect, the panicked creature thrashed

and flailed in the waves, struggling for survival.

Wildlife officer Mr Warwick, 29, who works for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission-

wasted no time in stripping off to help.

''I wasn't sure what I was going to do when I jumped in,'' he said.

''It was a spur of the moment decision, I had a lot of adrenaline pumping. ''

I was swimming towards the bear, trying to prevent him from swimming into deeper water.

''He was losing function in his arms and legs, and was obviously in distress.

I knew I had to keep him from drowning. ''

The clearly confused bear looked at me as if he was either going to go by,

through or over me . . .

and at times he even looked as if he was just going to climb on top of me

to keep from drowning,' he said.

As the animal struggled to keep its head above water,

Mr Warwick slipped one arm under the bear to cradle its body

and clamped the other on to the scruff of its neck,

dragging it ashore"

--------------------------------------------

Teamwork

Handles well, but the Panda looks a bit sad