Sunday, November 29, 2009


From now until Xmas some festive songs will open the blog
Here are the first offerings
Run Run Rudolph

Snoopy's Xmas
Every Friday Old Charlie went to his doctor with lots of things wrong with him.
The doctor thought that he was a hypochondriac.
However Old Charlie died and the doctor fretted about it thinking that
there must have been something he missed.
The worry killed the doctor.
A little later there was a knock on his coffin.
'Yes' he responded.
'It's Old Charlie. Can you give me something for worms?'

thanks Liz Z


Brand New Key

Brand New Combine Harvester
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came
upon a group of about a dozen boys,
all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog.
Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked,
"What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied,
"This dog is just an old neighborhood stray.
We all want him, but only one of us can take him home.
So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell
the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
The reverend was taken aback.
"You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.
He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning,
"Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with,
"Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute.
Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them,
the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said,
"All right, give him the dog."
stolen from Sandee @ Comedy Plus
Mans Best Friend


Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.
Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink.
The bartender asks him if he would like another.
'I think not,' he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.
Jean-Paul sartre is sitting at a French cafe,
revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.
He says to the waitress, 'I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.'
The waitress replies,
'I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?'



A professor was teaching an introductory anatomy class.
One day, he announced,
"Today I will be lecturing on the contents of the abdomen.
We will take a close look at the liver, pancreas, spleen, duodenum,
jejunum, kidneys, ileum, adrenal glands and other structures."
Just then, a student shouted, "If there's one thing I can't stand, ...'s an organ recital!"

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal

Danny Boy


its those weirdo's in Pink again


TOP 10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats’ facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made


Don't know who wrote this but I gotta pass it on..its good...
I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees,
all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos,
pictures and communicated with Face book and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Face book,
so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids
could communicate with me in the modern way.
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter
with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for
Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitter on, Twee tie and Twittererific Tweet deck,
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone
and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.
I am not ready to live like this.
I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost
every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.
I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the
Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.
I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife
as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.
Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board,
but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.
Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating"
You would think that she could be nicer.
It was like she could barely tolerate me.
She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.
Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets
and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady,
at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank,
I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.
We have had them for 4 years,
but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once
and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms
and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.
You would think they could settle on something themselves
but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused
but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me,
"Paper or Plastic?" I just say,
"Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.."
Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.


Naughty joke
A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date.
He asks her if she had a good time.
She tells him yes but that to get her really horny,
she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.
The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out
dressed in a bikers black leathers.
He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley,
and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.
The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers.
When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.
He asks her "Well, was I rough?"
"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
"And was I Tough?" he asks.
"Oh yes," she moans.
"Well then, it's time to be selfish".
So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a handjob.

How I miss these blokes
Back in the 70's they were a cult band down under
Captain Matchbox and his Whoopee Band



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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at

1 comment:

Sandee said...

I stole the Old Charlie one. That's a good one Phil.

Have a terrific day. :)