The Interview
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him
"Are you allergic to anything?"
He says "Yes, just caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the service?" the interviewer asks.
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.",
and then asks,
"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes... an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."
The interviewer tells the guy "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am,
and plan on starting at 10am every day.
Don't worry,we'll still pay you from 8am."
The guy is puzzled and says
"If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don'tyou want me to be here before 10am?"
"'This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."
Post a Comment****************************************************************
The USS REAGAN
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective...
ENORMOUS!
BEAUTIFUL! When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail
to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 45 acres.
Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.
Capability Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors
that can operate for more than 20 years without refuelling
1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2 Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28 - ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour
in less than 400 feet
Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 sq ft capacity
7. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
8. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
9. 18,150 meals served daily
10. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily,
enough for 2,000 homes
11. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
12. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
13. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation
14. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations
(Sailor's salaries included).
The HMAS Gough Whitlam
Sunday, July 20, 2008 Sydney .
Headed for Newcastle ,
the Australian welcomed the latest member of its fleet today.
The HMAS Gough Whitlam set sail today from its home port of Sydney
The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy
and is a standing legacy to Prime Minister Whitlam
for his foresight in military budget cuts and his conduct while Prime Minister.
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminium
and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.
It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat
or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which,
although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck,
form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.
The 20 person crew is completely diversified,
including members of all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation.
This crew, like the crew aboard the Manly Ferry,
is specially trained to avoid conflicts
and appease any and all enemies of Australia at all costs!
An on - board Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology
in any language to anyone who may find Australia offensive.
The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous,
the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defense,
but instead in times of conflict,
the HMAS Gough Whitlam has orders to seek refuge in New Zealand .
The ship may be positioned near the Labor Party Headquarters for photo - ops.
The Whitlams Should be very proud.
And the newest: -
The HMAS Kevin Rudd,
sailing in from South East Asia, once a week.
Thanks Gordon
Post a Comment******************************************************
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.As they walked, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how'd ya do?"
"First Place!" said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is this Kevin Rudd?" asked Pinocchio.
Post a Comment*******************************************************
Have you seen the movie
Good Will Hunting
Here is the best scene from the movie
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Bonus Cartoons........Cave men
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Jim and his wife went for a stroll in their local park one evening.
They sat down on a bench to rest
and almost immediately could overhear voices coming
from a secluded spot behind them.
Suddenly the wife realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment,
she nudged Jim and whispered,
"Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Jim objected. "Whistle? Why should I whistle?
Nobody whistled to warn me!!!"
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A famous hunter had successfully hunted almost every animal on Earth.The one exception was the very rare Fu bird which lived high in the Himalayas
and was very difficult to spot.
It was also very dangerous.
If the Fu bird spotted anyone in its domain it would fly directly
at the person at 100 MPH, making it impossible to draw a bead on & shoot,
and would completely cover the intruder with its shit.
The shit was the most foul smelling substance on Earth
causing the recipient to want to immediately wash it off.
The problem was that if one washed the shit completely off, he would die.
Fully aware of this, the hunter took off in search of the Fu bird.
After many days of difficult climbing he reached the area where the Fu bird dwelt
and was trying to spot the bird & get off a shot before the Fu bird spotted him.
Unfortunately, the Fu spotted him first,
flew at him at 100 MPH & completely covered him with its shit.
It was so foul that the hunter could not bear it & so he proceeded to wash it completely off.
As soon as he accomplished this he died.
Oh, the moral of the story?: If the Fu shits, wear it!!!
Thanks Duke
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The King asked for three glasses of water.
But his servant brought him two and a half glasses instead.
What was the King's name?
Post a Comment*********************************************
Drinking
Post a Comment*********************************************************
Phils Philosophy
Disclaimer
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please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
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