Phils Phun: June 2009

Saturday, June 27, 2009

248

This is the last post for about a month as I am heading off to USA/Canada
for some holidays and to catch up with a few friends
Phils Phun will return early in August

Airline travel can be fun but very tiresome
Ican't afford business class ,nor economy class
so I have decided to travel no class

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Lost your job??
Applying for another??
Don’t take no for an answer
This gem is perfect for todays economy.
So this goes out to all of those individuals that have lost their jobs but not their sense of humor.

“Dear ……,
Thank you for your letter rejecting my application for employment with your firm.
I have received rejections from an unusually large number of well qualified organizations.

With such a varied and promising spectrum of rejections from which to select,

it is impossible for me to consider them all.

After careful deliberation, then, and because a number of firms have found me more unsuitable, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your rejection.
Despite your company’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants,

I find that your rejection does not meet with my requirements at this time.

As a result, I will be starting employment with your firm on the first of the month.
Circumstances change and one can never know when new demands for rejection arise. Accordingly, I will keep your letter on file in case my requirements for rejection change.
Please do not regard this letter as a criticism of your qualifications in attempting to refuse me employment. I wish you the best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,”

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Bloopers

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A man patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her,

"Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."

"Oh, Daddy," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving Mummy."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed the father.....

"You can Take her with you!!!"

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Modern technology

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Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

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I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications thatMake me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia ..

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore

.Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.

Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God,I still have my driver's license.

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See how you go!!

I know bugger all about Golf but scored one over par????

Play Here
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WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX
1. A below par performance is considered good.

2. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and beer.

3. It is much easier to find the sweet spot

.4. Foursomes are encouraged.

5. You can still make money doing it as a senior

.6. Three times a day is possible.

7. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else

.8. You can do it every day.

9. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you are finished

10. BEST OF ALL...

If your equipment gets old and rusty you can replace it

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Cartoons.....Chickens

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Five Englishmen are walking along the Thames, discussing terms of venery.

(Terms of venery are names for groups of animals, such as

“pod” of whales or “exaltation” of larks.)

They see three English prostitutes, and wonder what the term of venery is for them.
The first English gentleman says, “A fanfare of strumpets.”
The second says, “No, it’s a trey of tarts.”
The third says, “No, a volume of Trollope’s.”
The fourth says, “Nope, a pride of loins.”
The fifth says, “No, I say it’s an anthology of English prose.”

stolen from Archies Archive

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MATES

..........

In the early 1900s, the president of America went to visit Russia.

Of course, Russia was still ruled by the Czar back then,

and the American President was warmly welcomed by the whole Russian royal household.
As the two leaders and their entourages were dining one day,

in one of the huge dining rooms in the palace,

the Americans were telling the Russians about some of the great things in their country.

One of the topics of conversation was the Grand Canyon in Colorado.

Of course, the American were quite boastful about this being the largest canyon in the world, when suddenly, from the head of the table, the Czar stood up,and made an announcement.
“In Russia,” he said, “we have a canyon even bigger than your Grand Canyon!”
Now no-one was going to stand up and contradict the Czar,

but of course no-one believed him either.
Finally, the American president stood up, and said “Okay. Let’s see this canyon then.”
So an expedition was organised.

Of course, their destination was way out in the remote wilderness,

and they only had horses to travel with, so the going was slow.

But eventually, after several weeks grueling journey,

they finally arrived at where the canyon was supposed to be.
But there wasn’t one. Not even a little one.
And then it dawned on everyone –

he had been using Czar chasm to make them look stupid.

stolen from Archies Archive

Bill had been getting progressively more bald at a very young age,

and it was depressing him quite a bit.

Eventually, he decided to get a wig,

and the following evening he came into the pub looking 10 years younger,

with a full head of jet black hair.

The locals admired his new look, and complimented him on how realistic it looked.

Eventually, Joe asked him for a closer look, and, though slightly embarrassed,

he slipped the wig off and handed it over.

However, as soon as Joe took the wig, he began to complain about everything:

the weather, his job, the quality of the pint, anything and everything you could think of.

Puzzled by this irresistable urge to moan, he handed the wig to Tom to give back to Bill,

and suddenly his normal good humour re-asserted itself.

Tom, however, even in the few seconds he had the wig in his hands,

had already announced to the pub that his wife was useless: couldn't cook,

and was ferociously dirty around the house, but not, unfortunately, when she got to bed.

Again, as soon as he had handed the wig back to Bill, the torrent of complaints dried up,

and he was his old cheerful self again.

The three friends, completely confused and puzzled,

were starting to discuss what on earth had happened,

when the barman leant across the counter towards them,

and told them not to worry about it.

"Why?" they asked.

"Ah, 'tis perfectly natural, lads!" he said.

"Sure doesn't everybody complain when they have Bill's toupee?"

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Wedding Photo's

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A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school.

He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions,

then shared with them this fun fact:

"There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."

One boy raised his hand,

"But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"

"That," the man answered,

"is when we use your language."

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Max Merritt & The Meteors' promo-video for the hit single 'Slippin' Away'

taken from the 1976 album 'Out Of The Blue'.

Max Merritt's career dates back to the mid-50's in New Zealand.

His band the Meteors had been through various incarnations

before disbanding in the early 1980's.

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............................somebody's excited

Phils Philosophy

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

247

Its almost time to go on holidays.
Will post once more before heading off to Canada/USA

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Gilbert Becaud

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Trick To Get An Apartment

Bill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in.
Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest about the size of his family!
After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place that was ideal.
The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"
Bill answered with a deep sigh, "Seven . . . but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the apartment!

Kiwi Humour

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By Popular demand

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Little Johnny went to his first school dance.

He didn't know if he would ever get up the nerve to ask a girl out to dance.
As the night went on everybody was dancing except Little Johnny.

He just sat in the corner looking at everyone having fun.
Finally as the last song started to play Little Johnny spotted two
very cute girls across the room sitting at their table.

He walked over and asked one if she would like to dance.

She looked him up and down and said

"I am sorry but I am very particular with whom I dance with."
Little Johnny being the smart boy that he is, replied,

"You can dam will see that I am not."

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Cartoons.....Animals

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Gotta love Dusty

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A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf,

instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which
course they were playing that day, and called for information.

The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
"Just tell me," the golfer persisted,

"Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk,

or thirty miles away from his desk?"

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You wouldn't get me standing on this

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Guy who stutters
This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says,
"Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".
The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer
and says, "That will be $2.50 please."
The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says,
"Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, "Sssay!
bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease."
The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That
will be $5.00 please."
The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving
says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of
my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."
The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you
for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here."
The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK. Eeverything else in tthis
ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."

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Mama Tried

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McDonalds in Pakistan

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Phils Philosophy

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are

understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them

and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

246

For Barry

WHAT COLOUR IS THE WIND
written and sung by Charlie Landsborough
What colour is the wind, Daddy
Is it yellow, red or blue
When he's playing with my hair, Daddy
Does he do the same to you
When he's dying does his colour fade
Is a gentle breeze a lighter shade
Just like his friend the sea
The wind feels blue to me
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When the blackbird starts to sing, Daddy
Do the flowers hear him, too
When he's pouring out his heart, Daddy
Tell me, what do roses do
Do they cast their scent upon the air
And is fragrance just a rose in prayer
Giving thanks to God above
For the blackbird's song of love
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CHORUS:
Blow, wind, blow
Wild and free
My Daddy says
You're a lot like me
I know each colour
Its shape and size
I've seen them all
With my Daddy's eyes
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I know that grass is green, Daddy
I've touched it with my toes
And snow is purest white, Daddy
I've felt it with my nose
But my favorite colour has to be
The colour of your love for me
And Daddy, I've been told
That love is always gold
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REPEAT CHORUS
:My Daddy says
You're a lot like me
What colour is the wind

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Q: What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

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The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader
and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned,
"name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties,
gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud
(as the little sign above their heads said to do)
but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied,
"Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing,
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed.
"Olive, the other reindeer

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Naked Fireman Calendar 2009
For all you women who love firemen
This will make your heart flutter
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Drink Milk

stolen from Bunk@Tacky Raccoons

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English

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Cartoons....Men and Women

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun intothe air,

caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelledwith surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!

And I don't like to have to do whatI dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside,

and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bar-tender wandered out of the bar and asked,

"Say pardner,before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said,

"I had to walk home."

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Henry was an entomologist at the local university.

He was to be up for a promotion this year and with the promotion would come tenure.

But there was a problem.
It was not that he couldn’t teach –

indeed two years ago he’d been honored by the undergraduates

by being named their favorite teacher –

No his problem was with his research:

He hadn’t had a successful research project in several years,

and in this day of “Publish or Perish”, this was not a good situation.
So that day, feeling depressed,

he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over,

so that he could work in his garden.

This always had been effective in relieving tension in the past.

But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying,

and on further examination found they were infested with a parasite.
But what were these insects.

They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura.

That was strange.

Anapleura infected mammals not plants.
He examined them more closely.

Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.

He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor.

He examined the insects and detail and

rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I’m sure you know result.

The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.

His job was saved and he received his coveted tenure.

And he received a new major grant to study this new species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.

stolen from Archies Archive

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This company had a real superior product in its butter substitute,

but the company went under one time when it received an order

for a million pounds of the stuff.

Some of the employees made mistakes in preparing the product

and much of it was wasted.

They were not able to deliver in time.

The company had not allowed enough margarine for error.

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Toilet Humour

Look carefully

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There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

When he wasn't looking, mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, his trousers are wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned grand children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom.

So I took it out and started to pee,

but then I noticed it wasn't mine,

so I put it back!'

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

245

I'm on my way!!!
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Paul McCartney is 67 today

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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.
"I'm a prof-essional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at apatient."
"Okay then," said Jim, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nursehad ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself,the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feetand regain her composure.
"I am so sorry," she said.
"I don't know what came over me.
On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise itwon't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Jim replied.
She ran out of the room.

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Remembering the Titanic

Stolen from....Izismile.com. Daily news and sun stuff
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Stavros Flatley on

"Britains Got Talent"

Thanks Josie

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The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop

was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help,

he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19

and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses --

one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised,

"She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now,

but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.

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Bloody good stuff, that duct tape. it'll fix anything

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Gotta love Jim Carrey

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Cartoons.....Elephants

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Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much.

In 2007, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold

and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.

So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the

window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob,

"What are you doing?"

Bob explained and she said, "Come on... you will only freeze your ass off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea.

"Let's change places when Joe is looking the other way."

Bob's wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap

and traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him,

"What are you doing?"Joe told her and said,

"I am determined to win the bottle!"

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side.

Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"
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stolen from...Miss Cellania

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Marbles

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Funny Signs

If you can read this your in range

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There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied,

'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.

So THAT'S the girl I want!'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,

the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,

and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked,

'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home,

my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.

After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me

because she just happens to be very fond of little boys.

She will get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home..

. On the way, they will do it, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work,

the Milkman will deliver the milk,

have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...
…. and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
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Helping With the Housework
Housework used to be a woman's job, but one evening,

Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed,

a load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.

Dinner was on the stove, and the table set.

She was astonished!
It turns out that Charles had gotten home early

and read a bit of the old Cosmopolitan she had left out.

The featured article on the cover informed him that wives who work full-time

and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went very well.

The next day, Janice told her friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Charles even cleaned up the kitchen!

He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away.

It was really an amazing evening."
"But what about the hot sex afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that," Janice said.

"Well, Charles was too tired...."

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Phils Philosophy

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

244

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The Mavericks at Royal Albert Hall

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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'
The blonde said,
'Yes, I definately want 25 gallons.I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath so Ican look young and beautiful again.
.'The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?
'The blonde said,
'No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it on my face'.

thanks Paul G

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New York Yankees
A former manager of the New York Yankees once told about
a dream he had in which he died and went to heaven.
There he was ordered to organize and manage a ball team.
He said all the available talent -
Christy Mathewson, WalterJohnson, Rube Waddell, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig,
and many other superstars, overwhelmed him.
Just then the phone rang.
It was Satan calling to challenge the heavenly team to a game.
"But you haven't got a chance of winning,"said the manager.
"You see I got all the great ballplayers up here."
Satan explained,
"Oh, I know that.
But I've got all the umpires!"

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Newly weds

The morning after an all-night honeymoon expert virtuoso performance in bed,

the somewhat amazed but blissfullyhappy newlywed wife

snuggles up to her new hubby and says,

"Darling, you are just wonderful. Last night was simply amazing.

May I ask how many others were there before me?"

After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says,

"Come on, I know there must have been some - I'm waiting."

And "Captain Experience" takes a deep breath and says,

"Hang on sweetheart, I'm still counting."

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Cartoons........Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

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Men...They are all the same

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My 1st day employment
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
[a good find for many retirees,]
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone would have sex with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Thanks Josie

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Who will win?

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Archie over @Archies Archive will like these

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Oldie, but Goldie

"On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband,

'I have a confession to make.

I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods, the golfer.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.'

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks the wife.

'I'm hungry. I'm calling room service.

''Tiger wouldn't do that.''Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?''

He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.

'The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.

When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

'What are you doing now?' she asks.

'I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food.''

Tiger wouldn't do that.''Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?

''He'd come back to bed and do it one more time.'

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third love making session,

he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?''

No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!'"

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Go Lance!!!!

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............

Animal activist Bo Derek was horrified to learn that the

Queen of England wears antique sable coats.

She decided to confront the Queen over the issue,

and arranged to get herself invited to an event which the Queen was also due to attend.

So a couple of months later, there they were at a very high class tea party.

Rich people everywhere.

Bo started looking around for the Queen.

Sure enough, there she was.

It was time for the confrontation!

She marched up to the Queen, and demanded an answer.

Elizabeth responded haughtily:

“Some wear old fur to reign, Bo.”

stolen from.....Archies Archive

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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe,

as it happens, near Transylvania.

They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.

It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control!

Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail!

The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.

Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious.

With her head bleeding!

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside,

Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.

After a short while, he sees a light.

He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes.

A small, hunched man opens the door.

Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.

We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.

Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.

My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs.

"I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor;

I am a scientist.

However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training.

I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs,

with Bob following closely.

Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.

Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries,

so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.

Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly.

Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano.

For it is here that he has always found solace.

He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.

His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch,

keeping time to the haunting piano music.

Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat!

He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!

The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

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Car Salesmen

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I was trolling around You Tube when I came accross these

couple of early Aussie classics from the 1960's

Blasts from the past

Barry Stanton

The Delltones

Footnote...The lead siger in this clip Noel Weiderberg was killed

in a car crash in 1962 just after the release of this song

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A man wakes up in hospital after a harrowing operation.

The surgeon is standing beside him in the bed.

He looks up at the surgeon - full of dread.

Our man says timidly

"Well, how did the operation go?".

To which the surgeon replies

"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news".

"What's the good news?"

"We managed to save your testicles"

Our man breathes a big sigh of relief

."What's the bad news?"

"They're under your pillow".

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

243

Britains Got Talent
Americas Got Talent
Well, so has Sweden

seen over at....Miss Cellania

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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.
During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all of his fellow inmates.
The warden saw that deep down,
Andy was a good person and made arrangements
for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community....
And he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen
and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards
and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden,
"Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting
is what got me into prison in the first place".

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Meet my mate Chimpy the Hippy

I'll Never Smoke Weed With Willie Again - The most popular videos are here
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For all those Johnny Cash fans
Here is a link to a series of 16 pictures featured by LIFE magazine

http://www.life.com/image/50950250/in-gallery/27492/johnny-cash-lifes-best-photos

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Cartoons...Real Estate

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Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting hospitals,

nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation,

a Southern Baptist preacher was making his weary way home.

As he traveled the hilly, curving country road, he overtook a car.

The slow moving car was weaving from one side of the road

to the other in a most disturbing manner.

Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the car

as belonging to a member of his congregation.

"Oh no," said the preacher to himself, "Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again.

The way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered.

I better pull up beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself."

Putting thought to action, the preacher pulled along side Frank's car

just in time for the next swerve to run him off the road.

Over the shoulder, down a steep bank, the preacher's car rolled over twice

and came to rest against a large pine tree.

Not completely senseless to the world,

Frank stopped his car and staggered back to a point above the preacher's car.

Fortunately, the preacher had been using a seat belt.

That and the relatively slow speed had prevented any injury.

When Frank saw someone struggling out of the wrecked car, he yelled,

"Who the hell are you?"

The preacher yelled back, "Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that."

"My God preacher, that you?"

"Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in vain.

It's already bad enough that you're drunk."

"You OK preacher?"

"Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me."

"You better let Him ride with me. Way you drive, you gonna kill Him."

stolen from..Miss Cellania

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Putting the Fun in Funeral

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Patsy Cline

Lee Hazelwood

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"First," said the playboy,

"I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."

"Oh no you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh no you're not."

"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

stolen from Hale @..It occurred to me

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More Cartoons

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Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game,

whose headgear partially blocked the view,

three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said,

"I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana,

there are only 50 nuns living there."

The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men,

and in a very sweet, calm, voice said,

"Why don't you go to hell. There aren't any nuns there."

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Dustin Hoffman and the Flea Joke

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vacancies:

"Wanted",

"Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors.

$500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so this bloke makes a note of the reference number

and fronts up at the counter.

"I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number E/784/B46-OP1737AZR2D2."

"Oh, that one," says the CES clerk.

"It's a model agency right here in Melbourne.

They're looking for a pubic hair snipper.

You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathers,

and before they go on the catwalk they report to you

and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing.

"It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks.

It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London, that sort of thing.

And you have to get used to living in first-class hotels........"

"I reckon I could learn to live with it," says the bloke.

"I'd really like to apply for the job."

The CES clerk shrugs and says,

"OK, here's an application form and a rail ticket to Ballarat".

"Ballarat?" exclaims the bloke.

"Balla-bloody-rat? What do I wanna go to Ballarat for?"

"Well", says the clerk, that's where they're lined up to at the moment."
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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;

they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one,

you'll become a philosopher.Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,

"What does a woman want? Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.. Sigmund Freud

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.

We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.

A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Anonymous

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.

It's called marriage." Sam Kinison

"I've had bad luck with both my wives.

The first one left me, and the second one didn't." James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Anonymous

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Phils Philosophy

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

242

Two of my favourite actors on the Letterman show
Robert De Niro and Al Pacino do the Top 10
[No 1 is the best]

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After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.

The rabbit was obviously dead.Chris panicked!"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought

.So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.

Chris knew his neighbors kept their back door open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside."Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day.

But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!"

stolen from.....Miss Cellania

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Now I knew Pigs could fly

But not sheep!!!

But Pigs can swim

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Tom Jones is 69 today

She's a lady.........with Garfield

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One of the most common Golf shots

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship.

They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.

She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling.

She putts and misses, they lose the match.

On the way home in the car her husband is fuming,

"I can't believe you missed that putt!"

"That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."

The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said,

"yes dear,but it was much harder!"

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Cartoons.......Kids

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And she was sayng!!!

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Job of a lifetime
TRUE STORY:

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.

There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine

charging cars £1 and coaches £5.

This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years ,

then one day just didn't turn up for work...

"Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management -

"better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant" ......

"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...

"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management,

"the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" .....

"Err NO!"

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily

the car park fees amounting to an estimated £400 per day

at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...

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Pictures from Africa

Pictures from
Izismile.com. Daily news and sun stuff

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Then there was the journalist who was sent to find photographer Tanaka Rhee,

who had been lost in New Guinea while on assignment for Life magazine.

After months of searching through steaming jungles and rank swampland,

he finally came upon a small village where several outsiders

were held in deep, murky pits.
Shining a flashlight into one pit after another,

the journalist at last spotted his quarry.

Jumping for joy, he sang out,
"Oh, sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I've found you!"

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A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy.

A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.
“I’ve locked myself out of my car.” replies the man.
“That’s not a problem,” replied the passer-by,

“Step out of the way, and let me have a look.”
The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there’s no harm in it letting the man try.

So the passer-by turns around,

and rubs his legs slowly up and down the driver”s door.

Suddenly, the lock opens and the man turns and opens the car door.
“That’s amazing!” says the motorist,

“How did you do it?”
“It’s easy,” replies the pedestrian,

“I’m wearing khaki trousers.”

stolen from Archies Archive

Kiss my ass

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Bonus Cartoons....Eskimos

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Two drunk men were sitting in the park.

The first one says,

"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands."

"By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if Itried really hard."

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend itin half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well", says the first,

"I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

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Phils Philosophy

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

241

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This is what you look like if you survive Swine Flu

Thanks Gordon H
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CHEERS

Stolen from Bunk@...Tacky Raccoons

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Three guys are going on a skiing holiday but when they get to their hotel however,

they are told that the hotel is overbooked

and that they must all share a single room with one bed.

Later that night, the man on the left hand side of the bed wakes up and says

"Hey guys. I've just had a really strange dream where I was given a hand job"

The guy on the right hand side of the bed, hearing this says

"Hey, I've just had the very same dream"

The guy in the middle then says

"That's funny I dreamt I won gold for skiing in the winter olympics.

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Medical....Cartoons

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Willie Nelson and Bee Spears

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Truck driver

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer.

As he approaches the bar,and sees a big sign on the door that says,

"NERDS NOTALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him overand says,

"You smell some kind of nerdy, What do you dofor a living?"

"I drives a truck. The smell is just from the computersI'm hauling."

"OK, truck drivers ain't nerds."

As the driver is sipping his beer,

a skinny guy walks inwearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle,

a pocket protector with at least twelve kinds of pens and pencils,

and a belt that's at least a foot too long.

Without saying a word, the bartender pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him,

"Why did you do that?"

"Don't worry. Nerds are in season because they are over populating this whole Silicon Valley.

And hey, you don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck and heads for the freeway.

Suddenly, as he veers to avoid an accident the load shifts.

The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers.

The scavengers are all engineers, accountants and programmers.

He can't let them steal his whole load.

So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts to load.

Just then a Highway Patrol officer comes zooming up

and jumps out of his cruiser screaming,

"STOP!!! STOP!!!"

"What's wrong officer? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure ... but you can't BAIT 'EM!!"

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Lawyers relatives drop in for a visit

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Skeleton Man

thanks Liz

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'Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?'

the suspicious wife sneered.

'No, I can't,' the husband replied.

'I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.

A man lost both ears in an accident.

No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him,

thought a while, and said, 'yes, I can put you right.'

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells,

'You swine, you gave me a woman's ears.

''Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's

.''You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!'

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They forgot..Show her your money

Stolen from..Slavenka and Obi

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For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization

.4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose

.7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people

.23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae-bra?

24. How is it possible to have a civil war?

25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

29. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

30. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

31. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
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Phils Philosophy

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

Monday, June 1, 2009

240

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Saturday was my youngest grandaughters Birthday

Happy Birthday Amber

This is for you

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An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

They had married as childhood sweethearts and

had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the desk they’d shared,

where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,

practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money.

Fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, we’ve got to give it back.

Sally said, finders keepers.

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,

and knocked on the door.

They ask: "Did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says:"Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . .

"The FBI guy turns to his partner and says,

"We’re outta here

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Fran and Mario Cowan have been married for 62 years

Mario is 90 years old

This made me smile

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stolen from...Miss C Recommends

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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says,

“Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really indignant and says,

“Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed.

Have you been eating doughnuts?”
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Dangerously asleep on the job

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For the benefit of those who were frustrated with the leaping frogs game in the last post

[including me]

Here is how to do it
The trick is to set them so they alternate on the stones.
Call the yellow frogs, from the left - Y1, Y2 and Y3
And the brown ones, from the left - B1, B2 and B3.
Number the stones, from the left - 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 [neat huh?]

Now:
Y3 > 4
B1 > 3
B2 > 5
Y3 > 6
Y2 > 4
Y1 > 2
B1 > 1
B2 > 3
B3 > 5
Y3 > 7
Y2 > 6
Y1 > 4
B2 > 2
B3 > 3
and
Y1 > 5
thanks Ray S

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Cartoons.....Lawyers

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LOL

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I don't like my haircut!!!!

................

In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals.
The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer’s pig was murdered.
Now the farmer took the incident very seriously, so he started an investigation.

Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.
Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his little pig,

the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck,

and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed.
The rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal,

and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.
“It wasn’t me! It wasn’t me!” yelled the goat.
The farmer shook his head and said,

“The hare’s looking at you, kid.”

stolen from.....Archies Archive

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Once there was a mouse who grew tired of his humdrum life.

He journeyed into the forest to seek the counsel

and miracles produced by the wise old owl.

"And what would you rather be?" asked the owl.

"A garden gnome," replied the mouse.

"Well, the first thing we'll have to do is make you quite a bit larger,

but I think I have enough yeast to do the job.

Follow me into the leaven room."

Once inside, the owl went into the corner and returned with a large shovel.

"Wow," said the mouse with a touch of awe and fear in his squeaky little voice.

"How much yeast are you going to use?"