Friday, April 29, 2011




413

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President Obama and the Canadian PM are shown a time machine
 which can see 50 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

President Obama goes first:
“What will the USA be like in 50 years’ time?”
The machine whirls and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out:
 “The country is in good hands under the new president, José Fernandez….
 crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy.
 Vice President Jin Tao has declared Chinese language mandatory in all US schools
 There are no worries.”
The Canadian PM thinks,
“It’s not bad, this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks:
 “What will Canada be like in 50 years’ time?”
The machine whirls and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
 But he just stares at it.
“Come on, David,” says Obama, “Tell us what it says.”
“I can’t! It is all in Punjabi!”


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The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something,
 then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,
 "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said,
 "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
 The teacher held her breath
... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom
and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher,
 "What in the world were you selling" ?
 “Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,
 "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,
 "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"
Then I would say, "It is dog crap.
 Wanna buy a toothbrush?
 I used the government method of giving you something shitty,
 but looks good, for free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got 5 stars for his efforts, bless his heart. .

thanks Duke






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Those Funny Animals












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Flying Car


thanks Liz Z



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Owl Story





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Paddy is on a bus,
 when a young woman sat opposite to him,
starts to breast feed her baby.
 "Come on, eat up,
or I'll give it to that man over there,"
 she says to the baby.
10 minutes later,
 she is still trying to feed the baby and says,
 "Come on, or mummy will give it to that man over there."
Paddy looks over to the woman and says,
 "For heaven's sake missus,
 will you make your mind up.
I should've got off this bus 3 stops ago!"






 thanks Gordon H





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Today's Music

Ronnie Milsap


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SENIORS





thanks Gordon H







thanks Kitty L



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Retirement Cheque




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The woman taking my order at a fast-food restaurant was about twenty-five.
 She was attractive and had a bubbly personality and a warm smile.
 Even though I'm forty-five, I felt there was "chemistry" between us.
 Before I walked away from the counter to sit down,
we made eye contact and again exchanged smiles.

Eating my burger, I glanced at my receipt.
 It turned out she had given me the senior-citizen discount.








Hitchiking after 60



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thanks Kitty L


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HOW OLD ARE YOU?


How old am I?
Well, let me explain it this way…
I’m old enough to feel an occasional twist of muscle…
but young enough to tap my toes at the first sound of music.
I’m old enough to accept life’s twists and turns…
but young enough to challenge apathy or defeat.
I’m old enough to cherish memories…
yet young enough to promote new experiences.
I’m old enough to value tradition…
yet young enough to sponsor change.
I’m old enough to savor quiet hours…
yet young enough to seek laughter and joy.
I’m old enough to have a few regrets…
but young enough to use them as stepping stones toward progress.
I’m old enough to respect the accomplishment of science…
yet young enough to accept the simplicity of G-d.
Now let me ask you the same question…
How old are you?














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thanks Toni


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Dad has still got it ...very funny video




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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual
park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his
morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and
asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day..
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness mister, 5 loaves... Don't you think by
the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows
about this Italian bread thing but me."







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Picture of the Day
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Western Australia

A remote beach near Esperance

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY



Disclaimer



All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.




Monday, April 25, 2011




412

in Maori and English





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Some Easter Cartoons














All I need to know I learned from the Easter Bunny!


Don't put all your eggs in one basket. 
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.
Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey


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This is another one of those video's that has been around for awhile
 but is very funny and worth a re-run



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This is so true here in Australia also


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A woman walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the fact
 they are about to be audited during the coming month.
 Says the first guy with a groan, "I'm screwed!"

"I'm screwed, too!" says the other guy, slapping his forehead.
"Guys, I am about to be screwed beyond all recognition by this audit!"
exclaims the third guy in anguish.
Just then, one of the guys notices the woman who has been standing there listening.
 She now has a very thoughtful look on her face.
"Are you OK?" asks the guy.
"Yes," replies the woman,
 "but I was wondering...
 How do I go about getting audited?"

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video
thanks Liz Z


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Read this 'before' viewing the attached video....
The 'Dueling Banjos' (guitar & banjo) scene
was NOT part of the original script in the movie,
until the cameraman happened to catch it on film.
NOTE: The family of the boy was well paid and beat poverty by accident.
The guy playing the guitar in Deliverance is Ronnie Cox.
This is an excerpt of the film "Deliverance".
 When the filming group of the movie stopped at a gas station somewhere,
 one of the actors started to play a tune of the film on his guitar.
An Autistic boy was watching the filming at the gas station and heard the music.
He started to respond with notes from his banjo.
 This started an incredible dialogue of instruments and the autistic boy expressed himself
 in probably the only form in which he was prepared to communicate.
This is how this remarkable scene, 'that was included in the movie',
 was developed and filmed.
Look at the expression of the boy.
 At first, he seems uncertain and waiting but as the intensity of the music progressed,
 his lost expression was gone and an expression of pleasure and happiness was recovered,
 thanks to this guitar player (Ronnie Cox) who happened to pass by.
After this magic moment passed, the boy returned into himself
leaving this part of his externalized beauty in the film..
 a truly memorable part of the movie.

Watch the little boy especially at the end.


thanks Liz Z



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Those funny animals






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in New Zealand

 



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#10


Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddie: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”

#9

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddie: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

#8

Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddie: “Yes, you miss the ball much closer now.”

#7

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddie: “Eventually.”

#6

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddie: “I don’t think so, that would be too much of a coincidence.”

#5

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too
much of a distraction.”
Caddie: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

#4

Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddie: “Very good, but personally, I prefer golf.”

#3

Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddie: “The way you play, it’s a sin on any day.”

#2

Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddie: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

#1 Best Caddie Comment:

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since


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Todays Music

Willie Nelson


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Hillbilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his life,
 an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
 In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,
'How about that! Here's a picture of my Daddy.
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his Daddy,
but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father,
 so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields,
 he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed:
'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'


thanks Liz Z
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In the days of old, when Genghis Kahn's men were running over Asia,
 they set their sights on further shores.
 Rather than 'huns,' these warriors were known as Kahn's men,
or simply, Kahns.

When they had conquered all the way to the water's edge,
 they build boats, gathered their loot, and bravely went to sea.
 By a sad twist of fate, they encountered an island of lepers,
which resulted in most of the crew being infected.
Hastily leaving that island, they set sail again,
 but by the time they reached Ireland,
 there wasn't much left of them.
 Disembarking on stubby limbs, they set forth,
 but were soon set upon by the natives for the riches they carried.
Rotted away, but still clever, they hid on the island and awaited rescue,
 and the locals never did get their hands on the treasure.
 And that's how the story of the little people got started in Ireland
-- the leper Kahn's and their pots of gold.
Cunning though diseased, the Kahns were never fooled
 by those who tried to trick them out of their pots of gold
 by swapping them for an empty pot
-- thus the saying:
"You cannot change a leper's pots."







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The Kings Speech...American Style



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USS JFK docking in Malta
thanks Kitty L


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HISTORY LESSON


So why did the British wear red coats in battle?
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
 During one battle, the French captured an British colonel.
 They took him to their headquarters,
 and the French general began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked,
 "Why do you British officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland way, the officer informed the general that the reason
 British officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot,
 the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this,
all French Army officers wear brown trousers.



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thanks Liz Z


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PHILS PHILOSOPHY



Western Australia
Dirk Hartog Island [near Shark Bay]

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Disclaimer


All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.