133

Funny Toyota Advert

Some Points to Ponder..

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself

.4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain

.6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Cartoons... Fish and Fishing

The people in this audience were lucky to see this[ from 1977]

Carl Perkins,Roy Orbison, Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis
This Train

And speaking of Roy Orbison

This for his fans out there [me included]

The extraordinary voice of Roy Orbison

Walk On

Flowers would have been a better idea

Train at Home





RAPID GRAMMAR IMPROVEMENT

There were two girls seated on a plane, beside one another.

One was from the North and one from the South.

The girl from the South asked very politely,

"Where ya from?"

The girl from the North said,

" A place that knows better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South replied,

"Oh, okay, where ya from, Bitch?"



Bears riding horses????

More stuff to ponder
(1) Zero Gravity

When NASA first started sending up astronauts,

they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem

NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen

that writes in zero gravity, upside-down,

on almost any surface including glass

and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.

(2) The American Constitution

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .

Why don't they just give them the Ameican one?

It was written by a lot of really smart guys,

and it's worked for over 200 years.

And, they're not using it anymore.

(3) Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse

is that you cannot post

"Thou Shalt Not Steal,"

"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"

and "Thou Shall Not Lie"

in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.

It creates a hostile work environment.



I wonder what song he got the gold record for??

The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation,

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God

and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued,

"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.

Now stand and confess your transgression. "
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body

that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.


Music

Ihave been looking for this song on you tube for awhile

At last sommeone has posted it

Hope you enjoy it as much as Ido

Its just a great song

Nitty Gritty Dirt Band...An American Dream

LADIES

132

Whingeing Pom

CHOOSE YOUR BAIT

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times

and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try.
On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another.

He had to know The Secret.

"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.
The other man looked around a bit embarrassed.

"Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."
David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.
The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck.

Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish.

"Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."
"Hmm," thought David.

It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal.

He left, willing to give the lake one more try.
On the third day, David still had no luck.

As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right.
David wanted to confirm what he already knew.

"Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.
Stolen fromMiss Cellania

Todays Cartoons....Dogs

Professional Dog

DO YOU THINK TOO MUCH?

It started out innocently enough.

I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up.

Inevitably though, one thought led to another,

and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself -

but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me,

and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job.

I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Ayn Rand and Murray Rothbard.

I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,

"What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either.

One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.

She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.

One day the boss called me in.

He said, "Joe, I like you, and it hurts me to say this,

but your thinking has become a real problem.

If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.

"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said,

"and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.

"You think as much as college professors,

and college professors don't make any money,

so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with BBC 4 on the radio.

I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open.

The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass,

whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line.

It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today:

a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video;

last week it was "Big Brother."

Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today, for example, I joined the Liberal Party.




Support the system that supports you

On the dole [and proud of it]

Bill Clinton's letter to John Hinckley

For those of you who may not be completely aware of John Hinckley,

who he is, what he did, and why, here's a little history.

John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man

who shot President Reagan many years back.

John was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster,

and extremely jealous as well, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster

to the point that to make himself known to her,

attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

With that in mind...the staff at the mental facility treating John Hinckley

reports intercepting the following letter from Bill Clinton:


To: John Hinckley
From: Bill Clinton

Dear John,

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased

we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.

In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness,

we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion

and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against

you for shooting President Reagan.

We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain

could have driven you to such an act of desperation.

Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery

and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,

Bill & Hillary Clinton

PS: Barack Obama is srewing Jodie Foster.

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street

when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first,

but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves

and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors,

she decides to be kind and tells them:

"The first one who can use the words liver and cheese

together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says,

"I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish, said the Poodle.

That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said:

"How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever

."My, my, " said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless.

That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says:

"How about you?"

The last of the three is a handsome exiled Cuban dog.

He gives her a big smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab

and says, in broken English,

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Tree hugging not so good

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,

purchased a piece of timberland.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land

so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground

and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter

and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience

and then told her to go into the examining room

and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded,

"What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her,

"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,

the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management

before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money

and asked the people to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed,

the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation

and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much

and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,

pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,

"I'll take........ Him, and him and him.


Music

One of Australia's most popular groups in the 60's were the Delltones
Ihave posted this before , but its well worth another run

The Delltones....Get a little dirt on your hands

Feeling old???

131

34 hits in 34 seconds


stolen fromShelleys Snippets






Burma [Myanmar]

My four-year old Grandson is learning to read.

Yesterday he pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look Grandpa! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, and then asked..

.'What did you call it?''

It's a frickin' elephant, Grandpa!

It says so on the picture!'and so it does...

'A f r i c a n Elephant'

So much said about phonetics.
Thanks Shelley Shelleys Snippets

Smile Kid!!!

Now, what seems to be the problem

Tell , Uncle Teddy all about it

An Octogenarian, who was an avid golfer,

moved to a new town andjoined the local Country Club.

He went to the Club for the first time to play,

but he was told there wasn't anyone with whom he could play because

they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him

and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet.

The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes,

because I have been playing quite well.

The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well.

Coming to the par four 18th they were all even.

The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par.

The old man had a nice drive,

but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.

Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball which landed on the green

and rolled into the hole!

Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap.

He said, "Nice shot,

but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the Octogenarian,

"I do. Please give me a hand."

stolen fromBig Shot Bob in Texas



Oh ! for some ice

Oh! for some ice

The future is man made

We are all born free and equal...Youth for Human rights

I love kids , how can anyone possibly harm them

Today's Cartoons [Misc]

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery.

She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day

and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her.

Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast

(which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice).

She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle.
And so it continued...
Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun.

She ate the eggs and the toast,

but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out,

then poured the apple juice into it.

When the nurse returned later that morning,

he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.
"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast,

but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said,

pointing to the urine bottle.
"Oh, really?" the patient replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips.

"In that case, we’d better run it through again..."
Stolen from
Miss Cellania

A farmer purchases an old, run-down,

abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.

The fields are grown over with weeds,

the farmhouse is falling apart,

and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work,

the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying,

"May you and The Lord work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.

Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -

the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition,

there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens,

and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

"Amazing!" the preacher says.

"Look what The Lord and you have accomplished together!"

"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer,

"but remember what the farm was like when The Lord was working it alone!"




Some old Adverts from long ago

Music

One hit wonder

Kevin Johnson [a Aussie] achieved worldwide fame with his only hit record

Kevin Johnson......Rock and Roll, I gave you the best years of my life

Chlidrens books [Idon't think so]

Naughty joke... but a pretty good come back line
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later, after knocking back a few drinks,

he goes over to the new guy and asks him:

'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?

'The new husband replies:

'It isn't that bad.

Past the first 2 inches it'sall brand new.'