166

Paul Newman 1925-2008

In the top end of South Australia and in the middle of nowhere[almost]
is OODNADATTA
In the early days the old original Ghan railway ran thru the town
The Oodnadatta track travels from Marla Bore on the Stuart highway to
Maree and flirts around the bottom of Lake Eyre
Today it is famous for its pink roadhouse
Peter from Holties House had the follwing poem posted about Oodnadatta


Bloody.... The great Australian adjective.

Oodna-bloody-datta
The bloody town’s a bloody cuss,
No bloody trams, no bloody bus.
And no-one cares for bloody us
In Oodna-bloody-datta.
Just bloody heat and bloody flies,
The bloody sweat runs in your eyes.
And if it rains, what a surprise
In Oodna-bloody-datta.
No bloody fun, no bloody games,
No bloody sport, no bloody dames.
Won’t even give their bloody names
In Oodna-bloody-datta.
No bloody clouds or bloody rain.
No bloody curbs no bloody drains.
The bloody council’s got no brains
In Oodna-bloody-datta.
The bloody goods are bloody dear’
A bloody buck for a bloody beer.
But is it good, no bloody fear
In Oodna-bloody-datta.
The bloody dances make you smile,
The bloody band is bloody vile,
They only cramp your bloody style
In Oodna-bloody-datta.
The best place is in bloody bed
With bloody ice upon your head,
You might as well be bloody dead
In Oodna-bloody-datta.
Author unknown





An African was travelling in China.
In a remote village,
he came upon an elderly Chinaman skipping stones across a lake.
At each bounce of the stone off the water,
the mountains surrounding the lake echoed back, "CHING...CHANG...CHUN..."
The African was amazed.
He asked the Chinaman what was going on.
"Oh", said the Chinese,
"magic spirit of the lake echo back the names of your ancient ancestors
as your stone skip upon the sacred waters".
"Wow", said the African, "can I try it?".
"Certainly", replied the Chinaman.
The African picked up the biggest stone he could find,
and gave it a mighty heave across the waters..
.and as it skipped across the waters, the mountains echoed back
"CHIM...PAN...ZEE...."




What Would You Do?
You are the President of the United States.
Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth.
They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M.
The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever.
France and the United Nations have requested that the United States
send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country.
Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many
that are being used to fight he war on terror overseas.
As the President, you must decide:
Do you...
A) Stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live?
B) Tape it and watch it in the morning?
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On my recent trip up north I took these pictures
so you would believe me
This bloke is heading towards Karatha from Alice Springs
He has been on the road 5 months
This road where these pictures were taken
has some of the biggest road trains travellig on it 24/7
How one hasn't collected him is amazing

Kiss my Ass

Cruises

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency

that says CRUISES - $100.

He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100.

The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat

and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later,

sees the sign and pays the guy $100.

The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat

and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together

and the first man asks,

"Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?"

The second man says,

"I don't think so. They didn't do it last year

---------------------------------



Cartoons

A man was not only upset that his daughter was getting married,

but to further aggravate him, it was to a Greek.

Sweating, he decided to have a father-to-daughter frank discussion with her.

"Honey, if your in bed with your husband and he tells you to roll over,

well, er, uh, well, you just don't have to."

After the newlyweds had been married for some time,

they were in bed and the husband tells his new wife,

"OK, roll over."

"My father told me that I don't have to if I don't want to!!" she screamed.

"You want to get pregnant, don't you?" he replied.

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Brotherhood of Man...........Angelo

165

Michael Palin for President

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity,

such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.

After sex, they glanceat their watches and say,

"Oops, gotta run!"

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no wonder the banks are suffering!!!!

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,

"You had a great check-up.

Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah,... and they're in favor 15 to 2."
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Star Trek meets the Love Boat

DEAD HORSES OF BUREAUCRACY

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians,

passed down from generation to generation,

says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse,

the best strategy is to dismount.

In the Public Service, however, a diverse range of socially responsible

and culturally appropriate options and economically advanced strategies are often employed. 1.Change riders.

2. Buy a stronger whip.

3. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".

4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.

5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.

6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse. (Also useful as a saddle and to protect your arse)

7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.

8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.

10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".

11 Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.

12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.

13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.

14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly,

carries lower overheads, and contributes substantially more to the bottom line

than many other horses

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Children can learn many things on the Internet

check on what they are doing on


Johnny Cash...Smiling Bill McCall

Cartoons ......and other Doggy things

Cool

CATS AND DOGS

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody. 8.

They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION:

They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,

but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!

9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION:

They're tiny men in little fur coats.
-------------------------------------------------------

Tony Orlando and Dawn

Candida and Knock three times on the ceiling

A novel way to hang on whilst standing in a train

Naughty New Zealand Joke

You may need to have heard a broad New Zealand accent to follow this one:

Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow in London

to watch the All Blacks play a big football test match.

He was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was an immediate testicular removal.

"No way doc, I'm here for the Rugby" replied Wiremu

"I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis

and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game

he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one

last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said

"Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness ey".

"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor

"Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk gud for thut!" said Wiremu,

"those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

----------------------------------------------------

stolen from Miss Cellania

The Queen is Indian

164

Short cut to the top

My brother sent me these images of the devastation caused by Hurricane Ike

Click on the images to enlarge them

September 10th.. Hurricane Ike from the International Space Station 220 miles above Earth

September 8th .... Port De Paix, Haiti remains flooded after 4 storms in one month

September 12th..Burning Marina Warehouse in Galveston,Texas

September 12th....Galveston Island, Texas

September 12th..Flooding across Road 523 to Surfside Beach

September 14th...House sitting in debris at Crystal Beach

September 12th..House burns in flooded Galveston neighbourhood

September 13th....Bulldozer clearing debris from Interstate45



Worlds best witticisms
The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Born free... taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

All men are idiots ... I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

Give pizza chants.

How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.

I have the body of a god... Buddha!

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.I

f we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

--------------------------------

Roy Orbison.....Unchained Melody






For all of those ot there who keep posting pictures of stupid cats

Here is another for you

God visits the garden of Eden and sees Adam sitting under a tree relaxing.

"So Adam, how are you doing?", God says.
To this Adam replies, "I'm doing fine God, just finished having sex, and it was great!"
God smiles and asks, "Where is Eve at?"
"She's washing herself in the river, God."
"NO!" screams God,

"I'll never get that smell out of my fish!"




For all you footy fans

So I heard the strangest thing on the radio yesterday.

It was an interview of a guy whose hobby was eating endangered birds.

He went into great detail of all the meals that he'd had -

bald eagle stew, deep fried condor wings, breast of kestrel, that kind of thing.

The interviewer then asks him,

"So have you eaten any egrets at all?"

"Egrets?" he said

"I've had a few. But then again, too few to munch on."

Cartoons

A touch of realism

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment

to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere.

The student asked why, and the patient answered

"When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro."

The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere.

When asked why he said

"When I get out of here I going to be a professional baseball player."

The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things,

until he looked in on the third patient.

There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man,

masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis.

The student asked, "I understand about the others,

but what are you going to be when you get out of here?"

"They're never going to let me out of here," the patient said

"I'm f******g nuts!"