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281


LOL

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Happy Thanksgiving America

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A slice of pizza is in the stomach, waiting to be digested.

Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down.

The pizza lets it pass in front of him.

A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through.

Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him, too.

A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach.

The pizza asks they whiskey,

“What’s going on up there?”

”They’re having a really great party”, says the whiskey.

”Really? responds the pizza.

“I think I’ll go up there and take a look”.

stolen from......Miss Cellania

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Puttin on the Ritz

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Think Green

stolen from.....amyoops

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Back to Nam


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Hot Tub Party [some nice racks]

Thanks Liz Z

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A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said

"Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said,

"I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees

when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,

removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees

and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt

and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,

one on each leg"

."Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant,

"You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied.

"I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

thanks Gordon H

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Drunk Tests Fail x 3


thanks David J
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ONLY A GOLFER WOULD UNDERSTAND

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 AM, on the first hole of a busy course,

and I was beginning my pre-shot routine,

visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice

came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please?"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.

I was still deep in my routine,

seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement:

"Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating,

when once more the man yelled,

"Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back....

"Would the asshole with the microphone kindly keep quiet

and let me play my second shot?!"

thanks Don H

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Sex Frogs

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.

As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.

She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her,

'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment,

she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower

.2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you,

and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . .

. NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,

'If you have any problems or questions please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store.

The man says, 'I'll be right over.'

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says,

'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.

The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . Looking very concerned,

picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

' LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE .... TIME!!!'

thanks Ron H

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Watch your fingers

thanks Liz Z

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Grand dad

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This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car.

A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop.

The guy got out, shaking like a leaf.

The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend.

When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf.

The cop said there was no reason to be scared.

The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me,

it's just that I've never had sex with a cop before!"

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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