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New Year Comments

GoodLightscraps.com

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·2010 Contract
After serious & cautious consideration...
your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2010
It was a very hard decision to make... So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2010
May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $50 notes
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy
May the problems you had, forget your home address!
In simple words ............
May 2010 be the best year of your life!!!

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Todays History lesson

ANCIENT NEW YEARS —
The celebration of the new year is the oldest of all holidays.
It was first observed in ancient Babylon about 4,000 years ago.
In the years around 2,000 BC, the Babylonian New Year
began with the first New Moon (actually the first visible crescent)
after the Vernal Equinox (first day of spring).
The beginning of spring is a logical time to start a new year.
After all, it is the season of rebirth, of planting new crops, and of blossoming.
January 1, on the other hand, has no astronomical nor agricultural significance.
It is purely arbitrary.
The Babylonian new year celebration lasted for eleven days.
Each day had its own particular mode of celebration,
but it is safe to say that modern New Year's Eve festivities pale in comparison.
The Romans continued to observe the new year in late March,
but their calendar was continually tampered with by various emperors
so that the calendar soon became out of synchronization with the sun.
In order to set the calendar right, the Roman senate, in 153 BC,
declared January 1 to be the beginning of the new year.
But tampering continued until Julius Caesar, in 46 BC,
established what has come to be known as the Julian Calendar.
It again established January 1 as the new year.
But in order to synchronize the calendar with the sun,
Caesar had to let the previous year drag on for 445 days.

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As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple,
faced the annual conflict of which was more important:
the football match on television, or the lunch itself.
Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family,
and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before
retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was
and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel.
She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.
Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.
'See?' Janet said happily,
'You didn't miss a thing.'

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A couple of Photos from 2009

Miracle on the Hudson




A rare duststorm hits Sydney in September




A Koala getting treatment after the horrific bushfires in Victoria
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A New Year's Wish
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub
and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband
to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.
As the clock struck -
the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Only Fools and Horses




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SNOWMEN

While driving during a horrible snowstorm,

a young blonde became disoriented and lost.

She remembered what her father had once told her.

”If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.”

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her

if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said,

”Well, I’m done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart,

now you can follow me over to K-Mart.”

stolen from... Miss Cellania

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Italian Auction


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Those funny animals

Bacon and Eggs

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A man stopped in a small Florida Panhandle town,

and noted that there was a "Nativity Scene"

which showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it

One small feature bothered him --

the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation,

he stopped at a convenience store on the edge of town,

and asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She gently rebuked me with a smile,

"You Damn Yankees! Y'all never do read your Bible!"

The man assured her that he did,

but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She lifted her well worn Bible from under the counter

and quickly found the page she wanted.

Holding it for me to see, she said,

"Looky here, it rightly says,

'The three wise men came from afar.'"

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New Year Pun
New years resolution for the bankrupt gardener

was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia.

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Todays Featured Artist

Johnny Cash


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Religion

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them

and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

290

Shopping in Texas


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In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service.
The police finally arrested her and seized her
big black book in which her talent was listed.
Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it
and told to check them out.
After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports.
When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found,
he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself.
One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman.
She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."
"Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief.
"I sure am surprised at you. You've been a policeman almost all your life --
and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book."

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A couple of belated Xmas funnies

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Frankie Miller

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SlideShow version

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Diet Time

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Bob went over to his friend Joe's house

and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife.

He often told her how attractive she was, complimented her on her cooking

and showered her with hugs and kisses.

"Gee," Bob remarked later, "you really make a big fuss over your wife".

"I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said.

"It has revived our marriage and we couldn't be happier."

Inspired, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife

and told her how much he loved her

and said he wanted to hear all about her day.

But she burst into tears.

"Honey," Bob said, "whats' the matter?".

"This has been the worst day," she replied.

"This morning Billy fell off his bike and broke his ankle,

then the washing machine broke.

Now to top it off, you come home drunk!".

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Geese Air Show


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Observations on Growing Older.
~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them ..

.but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good. Coming home is better!

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.

Now, you get discounts on everything ...movies, hotels, flights.

~You forget names ... but it's OK
because other people forgot they even know you!!!

~The five pounds you wanted to lose is now fifteen

and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the fifteen pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... especially golf.

~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you cared to do, you don't care to do,

but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair

with the TV blaring than he does in bed.

It's called his "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said

"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?

Now you bring clean underwear in case you have an accident!

~You used to say, "I hope my kids get married.

Now you say, "I hope they stay married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of

and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You now use more four-letter words .."what?"..."when?" ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M.

Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've already read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired ..
you'd give anything if he'd find a job!


~You have three sizes of clothes in your closet ...

.two of which you will never wear.

~But old is good in some things:

old songs, old movies and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Thanks Liz Z
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It was a romantic full moon when Pedro said,

"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
“Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
“Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.

I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,

Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,

Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

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The Will

A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons.

It was serious enough that he decided to change his will.

At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said,

"This needs an heircut."
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Punny toons

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Phils Featured Artist

JIM REEVES

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In Training

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check out this link for some awesome pictures from National Geographic

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/11/national_geographics_internati.html#photo18


thanks Liz Z

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Those funny Animals

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Two elderly friends, Larry and Ken, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Larry didn't show up. Ken didn't think much about it

and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Ken really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park,

Ken didn't know where Larry lived,

so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry,

but one day, Ken approached the park and -- lo and behold!--

there sat Larry!

Ken was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?"
Larry replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Ken. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee
shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Ken, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old,

I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Thanks Don H
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Why email was invented

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For those of you who slept through World History 101

here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.

They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer

and would go to the coast and live on fish, crab and clams in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization

and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity

into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain

and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,

so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,

they just stayed close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night

while they were drinking beer.

This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting

learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's

and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.

The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,

the invention of group therapy and group hugs,

the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting

to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized

by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),

but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.

They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.

Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note:

most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood

and group therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer.

They eat red meat and still provide for their women.

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks,

paramedics, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,

corporate executives, athletes, Marines,

and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives

who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.

They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.

That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe

when conservatives were coming to America.

They crept in after the Wild West was tamed

and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge

to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it

.A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth

of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers,

and to more liberals...just to piss them off

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.