307


With all this hot weather about
Here is
Tom T Hall
singin about my favourite drink

----------------------------------------------------

Proper Grammar
On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man
living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure
for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation,
handed myticket to the medicine man
and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me,
and with a grip onmy shoulder, warned,
"This is powerful medicine and it must be respected
.You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do that, you will become more manly
than you have ever been in your life and you canperform as long as you want."
I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked
, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded.
"But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine,
and then invited my wife to join me in thebedroom.
When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men.
My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes.
And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with apreposition!
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE
thanks Duke
------------------------------------------------------






thanks Elizabeth

----------------------------

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
Sohe looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for"Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough
for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

-------------------------------------------------------
Those funny animals

--------------------------------------------------------

Australian comedian Norman Gunston (Garry McDonald)

in one of his funniest interviews,

talking to American TV actress Sally Struthers.

-------------------------------------------------------

Jesus Deer

------------------------------------------------------------------

As you run your cursor over the people in this painting,

it tells you who they are.
Click on a person to read their life history.
CLICK HERE

thanks Liz Z

-----------------------------------------------------

Off the Hook

For Bunk

-------------------------------------------------------

It's that Colour Pink again

-----------------------------------------------------------------

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant

brought him the soup du jour,

the Englishman was a bit dismayed.

"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied

."I don't care what it has been," he sputtered.

"What is it now?"
------------------------------------------------

Canadian Please



stolen from Miss Cellania


---------------------------------------------------

When Alexander The Great was waging war

on the entire known world of his time,

it chanced that he received a slight spear-wound on his wrist.
Wrapping an old cloth around it, he continued the battle.
After victory was his,

one of his aides noticed that the dried blood on the rag

around Alexander The Great’s wrist was lining up on it in such a way

that if one looked at it in the light of the sun it resembled a sundial

and you could tell the correct time!
So, they called it Alexander’s Rag-Time-Band!

----------------------------------------

Lost in desert

Evan and Dai were lost in the desert, and were dying of thirst.

All at once they saw a collection of tents and market stalls in the distance.

They rushed into the first and asked if they sold water

."No," replied the Arab within, "We only have custard."

The men went into the next tent and asked the same question

."I'm sorry," said the second Arab, "We only sell jelly."

Perplexed, the men went to the last stall in the market,

once again asking if there is any water to spare

."A thousand apologies," said the Arab, "We only have sponge cakes."

The men left, disappointed and a little confused

."That was weird," said Evan

."Yes," replied Dai,

"It was a trifle bazaar."

------------------------------------------------------

Have you seen this yet?



Its a fake tailer, but still pretty good

Stolen from Miss Cellania

---------------------------------------------------

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother

and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road.

His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity,

and kept repeating,

"Why did you die? Why did you die?"

The first man approached him and said

,"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief,

but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before.

For whom do you mourn so deeply?

Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"

The mourner answered,

"My wife's first husband! ...

Why did you die? Why did you die?"

----------------------------------------------------------

Here is Mr Story Teller again with one of my all time favourites

Tom T Hall

-----------------------------------------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.

"Your son is here," she said to the old man

. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.

Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack,

he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent.

He reached out his hand.

The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones,

squeezing a message of love and encouragement.

The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed

.All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward,

holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength.

Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.

He refused.

Whenever the nurse came into the ward

the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital -

the clanking of the oxygen tank,

the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings,

the cries and moans of the other patients.

Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words.

The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.

Along towards dawn, the old man died.

The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding

and went to tell the nurse.

While she did what she had to do, he waited.

Finally, she returned.

She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.

"Who was that man?" he asked.

The nurse was startled,

"He was your father," she answered.

"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied

. "I never saw him before in my life."

"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"

"I knew right away there had been a mistake,

but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here.

When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son,

knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."

I came here tonight to find a Mr. William Grey.

His son was killed in Iraq today,

and I was sent to inform him.

What was this gentleman's name?

The Nurse with tears in her eyes answered,

Mr. William Grey.

-------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

306




Stinking hot 42 C today and 40C forecast for tomorrow

Australian singer / song writer Graeme Connors 1988 hit A Little Further North

----------------------------------------------------------------

Seems this Catholic priest was feeling despondent over

being posted to a dry, desert parish.

He wrote letters to his bishop constantly,

requesting that he be posted somewhere more hospitable

. No reply to his letters ever came, and soon the letters stopped

.Some time later,

when the archbishop was making the rounds of the rural churches,

he stopped in to see how the unhappy priest was doing

. He found a pleasant man, in an air-conditioned church.

There were no parishioners, since the closest neighbors were many miles away.

The archbishop admitted to some confusion,

since the priest did not look like the desperate writer of so many letters.

He asked the priest how he liked it out in the desert

."At first I was unhappy.

But thanks to two things I have grown to love it out here in the sparse desert."

"And they are?" the archbishop inquired

."The first is my Rosary. Without my Rosary I wouldn't make it a day out here.

"And the second?"At this the priest looked askance
"Well, to be honest, I have developed a taste for martinis in the afternoon.
They help to alleviate the heat during the worst part of the day."

He looked sheepish at this admission,

but the archbishop just smiled

."Martinis, eh? Well, that's not so bad.

In fact, I'd be glad to share one with you right now, if you don't mind that is."

"Not at all!" the priest exulted

"Let me get one for you right away."
Turning to the back of the church, the priest shouted,
"Oh, Rosary..."

------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------

Tiger and the Pope

The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day

and because of anadministrative mix up the Pope went to hell

and Tiger Woods went to heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell,

and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains,

"it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified"

.Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven

and they stop to have a chat

."Sorry about the mix up", apologies the Pope

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?

"Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late"

Thanks Liz Z

----------------------------------------------------------------

Those Funny Animals

----------------------------------------------------------

A grandmother was pushing her grandchild around WalMart in a buggy.

Each time she put something in the basket,she would say,

"And here's something for you, Diploma,"

or

"This will make a cute little outfit for you,Diploma,"

and so on.

Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked,

"Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"

The grandmother replied,

"I sent my daughter to colleg eand this is what she came home with!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Sex Bomb at the Olympics

--------------------------------------------

Minister

A minister in a little church announced from the pulpit,

"Now, before we pass the collection plate,

I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens

from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.
The Lord doesn't want money from a thief."
That week for the first time in months, everyone gave.

----------------------------------------------------

KIDS

------------------------------------------------------------

Tom Waits



for Claire

-------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny went to his first school dance.

He didn't know if he would ever get up the nerve to ask a girl out to dance.

As the night went on everybody was dancing except Little Johnny

He just sat in the corner looking at everyone having fun.

Finally as the last song started to play Little Johnny

spotted two very cute girls across the room sitting at their table.

He walked over and asked one if she would like to dance

. She looked him up and down and said

"I am sorry but I am very particular with whom I dance."

Little Johnny being the smart boy that he is, replied,

"You can damn well see that I am not."

----------------------------------------------------------

Amazing Gentleman

People from Broken Hill will remember from their younger days this Icon of the city.
He used to go to all the public functions...

especially the picture theaters.
And always carried a sugar bag to collect empty Bottles and Cans.
His name was... Albert (Tapper) Torney
Everyone thought he was a bit eccentric and kids would Tease and Hassle him.
But it was discovered he was Very Talented

and only sold the Empty Bottles.
After he died in (1998 aged 86)
His large collection of Model Cars he made from the Aluminum Cans was discovered.
This goes to prove... “You Shouldn’t Judge A Book by its Cover”

here is some of his collection

thanks Josie J


------------------------------------------------------

The first Jewish woman President is elected.

She calls her Mother:

"Mama, I've won the elections,

you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"

"But I only eat kosher food"

"Mama, I am going to be the president,

I can get you kosher food"

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come mama"

"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.

The great day comes and Mama is seated between

the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members,

she nudges the gentleman on her right.

"You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?"..

."Her brother's a doctor!"

---------------------------------------------

Viagra

Boudreaux was out in DA field talkin' wit his friend Thibodeaux.

Thibodeaux said,

"Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere?

Well man, it's completely infestered wit rats.

I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem."

Boudreaux say,

"Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats.

You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors."

Thibodeaux say, "What's a bull constriptor?"

Boudreaux explains,

"Man, dats one of dem big ole snakes

and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once."

Well, DA nex day Thibodeaux went down to Klibert's Reptile Farm

and bought him DA biggest bull constripter dat dey got

. He brought dat snake to DA barn an let him loose right

in DA middle and just sat dere and watched.

Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time,

I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening.

Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in DA middle of dat barn and slept all day.

He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around

.So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on DA phone,

"Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake.

.Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long."

Boudreaux says,

"Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do.

Give dat snake some Viagra."

Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?"

Boudreaux say,"I was just listening to DA radio and de man say

dat Viagra is DA best ting to use for a 'reptile dysfunction'!!!!!!!!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.