346

--

---

Lisa, a strikingly beautiful young Brunette,

sat across the table from William, in a fancy restaurant.

She smiled as William finished proposing to her

."I'm not sure, let me think about it." she answered.

William was crushed but kept his composure.

After dinner they went to her place.

The mood was romantic and William was eager to make love to Lisa

.She stopped him and said,

"Before we get married or even make love, I want you to buy me something."

"Sure my love, you name it. A car, a pearl necklace,

diamond earrings, you name it."

"I want a solid gold Boy Scout knife."

Stunned, William asked, "But why? I can buy you anything you want.

Why must it be a solid gold Boy Scout knife?"

"I can't tell you, but I won't make love to you until I get one."

William searched high and low but couldn't find such a knife.

Desperate, he had a jeweler make one for him.

The next time they met at her place for a romantic evening,

he again suggested they make love.

Again she said she couldn'twithout first receiving the solid gold Boy Scout knife

.With a smile he handed her a small gift wrapped box.

She carefully opened it and saw the knife.

They went off to thebedroom where she opened

a large hope chest at the foot of her bed.

She placed the knife inside,

but not before William saw the contents of the hope chest.

It was filled with solid gold BoyScout knifes.

"What's this? Why did you ask me for a gold knife

when youalready have so many of them?"

"I can't tell you" she replied.

After several minutes of badgering she finally relented and said

"Someday I will be older. My hair will turn gray,

my face will start to get wrinkles and my beauty will fade.

Who will want me then?

But, do you know what a Boy Scout would do for one of these knives?"

--

-

Those funny animals

---

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on,

and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside

so they can get material up and down to the upper floors.
A characteristic of these 'cage elevators' is that the doors (gate)

must be closed manually for them to be 'called' to another floor.
One day one of the workers, Peter by name,

takes the elevator to the top floor,

and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton.
Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open.
After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail,

he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down.

Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight:
The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up,

yelling to the heavens:

"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"

--------


Welsh pictures [with translation]

--

The best "Swan Lake" you'll ever see




---

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog.

The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog...this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender hooks a thumb over at a piano in the corner,

"If that dog can play that piano, you both get a drink on the house!"

The guy sits the dog on the piano stool,

and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart..

.and the bartender and patrons are loving it.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in,

grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck,

and drags him out.
The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother.

She wanted him to be a dentist."
----

-

What happens when you score a goal in Iceland

---

It's off to the Walmart [again]

---

------

I rescued a human today

This is so true ..........

I RESCUED A HUMAN TODAY

Her eyes met mine as she walked down the corridor

peering apprehensively into the kennels.

I felt her need instantly and knew I had to help her.

I wagged my tail, not too exuberantly, so she wouldn't be afraid.

As she stopped at my kennel I blocked her view from a little accident

I had in the back of my cage.

I didn't want her to know that I hadn't been walked today.

Sometimes the shelter keepers get too busy

and I didn't want her to think poorly of them.

As she read my kennel card I hoped that she wouldn't feel sad about my past.

I only have the future to look forward to

and want to make a difference in someone's life.

She got down on her knees and made little kissy sounds at me.

I shoved my shoulder and side of my head

up against the bars to comfort her.

Gentle fingertips caressed my neck;

she was desperate for companionship.

A tear fell down her cheek and I raised my paw

to assure her that all would be well.

Soon my kennel door opened and her smile was so bright

that I instantly jumped into her arms.

I would promise to keep her safe.

I would promise to always be by her side.

I would promise to do everything I could

to see that radiant smile and sparkle in her eyes.

I was so fortunate that she came down my corridor.

So many more are out there who haven't walked the corridors.

So many more to be saved.

At least I could save one.

I rescued a human today.

thanks Liz Z


--------

-----

Something Aussie

-----

-----

What do you do in retirement?

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt

our ability to make a difference in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the

remarkable achievements of others who have found

the courage to take on challenges

that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

"I've often been asked,

'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well ... I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background,

and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch,

and margaritas into urine."
Harold should be an inspiration to all of us

thanks Duke

----

No one believes seniors . . .

everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts

and had moved back to their oldneighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they had shared,

where Andy had carved I love you, Sally .

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,

practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money -fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, We have got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers.

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood

looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

Pardon me, did either of youfind a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Andy said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don'tbelieve him, he's getting senile.

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Andy said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday....

The first police officer turned to his partner and said,

We're outtahere!

------



the 9 seater

comes with a bucket seat

--

---

Blast from the Past
This is why there were no health clubs in the 50's and 60's

thanks Hank and Marg

---

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD.

He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded,

staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it,

the newbie rider bravely asks the old biker,

'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head

toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'
Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions

reaches over and slides the bowl into his place

and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl

and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was very shocking

and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.
The old biker quietly says,

'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

-------

More of the colour pink

------------------

Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night,

intending to butcher it in the morning,

but the next day it was gone.

He didn't tell a soul about it,

and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road,

came by and said,

"By theway Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"

"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."


---

The brand new edition of."You know you're a redneck when.." is here!
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree

.2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years

.4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think ‘The Nutcracker’ is a vice on the work bench

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it

.8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does

.19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it

.22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23 You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on theside.

24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is WalMart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV

26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements

.28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back

.29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty

.30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph

-----

Paddy tells Mick,
“I’m thinking of buying a labrador.”
“Fook off”, say’s Mick,
“Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

---


A collection of funny and clever signs

---

Road Runner
LOL
[warning..contains some offensive language]

----




PHILS PHILOSOPHY

But I leave you with this



---

Disclaimer

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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.