371

-------

Blast from the Past [1992]

---------

Modern Day Sayings
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer

.CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor

to mistake himself for a financial genius.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants

as the market keeps crashing

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets

equally between themselves

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker

who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears

down the toilet.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

thanks Duke

----------------------------------

Not tonight dear, I got a headache

EMBED-Dude Drops Hot Chick On Her Head - Watch more free videos

Those FunnyAnimals

thanks Don H

---------

Sexual Revolution

Two men were talking, seated on the benches in the City Park.

"My grandson asked me what I did during the Sexual Revolution," said one

."And what did you tell him?" asked the other

."I told him I was captured early

and spent the entire duration washing the dishes," the first man replied

---------------------------------

SOMETHING AUSSIE

---------

The minister dies and the congregation decides,

after some time, that his widow, should marry again

. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher.

Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living

with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath -

the new husband tells his wife,

"Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend

it was a blessing to have sex."

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her,

"According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.

There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her,

"My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."

Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her,

"My aunt says that a Christian man always starts

the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."

Finally on Monday she goes out to the market

and meets a friend that asks her,

"So how is the new husband?"

"Well, an intellectual he isn't,

but he comes from a wonderful family."


------------------------------------------------

thanks Duke


------------------------------

------------------



KIDS

-------------------------

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied,

"Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,

he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties;

he was in his birthday suit

.Looking her over, he asked,

"Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle,

my body is yours to explore,

but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same-

she stood there wearing the black panties,

and he was in his birthday suit-

but now he was wearing a black condom

.She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

thanks Liz And Alan



--------------------

----------------------------

MEN

thanks Josie J

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women:

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE


------------

thanks Wayne W
-------------------


Women

"And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women."


thanks Duke

-------------------------

My wife, a registered nurse,

once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way.

Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over.

I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself from the ladder into the attic,

I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam.

Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands,

and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt.

On the way down the ladder,

I missed the last two rungs and turned my ankle

When I limped into the kitchen,

my wife took one look and said,

"Are those your good pants?"

----------------------------

thanks Liz Z


---------------------------

Old Woman
As I grow in age, I value older women most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why.
An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,

“What are you thinking?”

She doesn’t care what you think.
An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,

what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 50 gives a damn what you might think about her.
Older women are dignified.

They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera

or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.

Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you

if they think they can get away with it.
Most older women cook well.

They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.
An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.

A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend

because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women.

Older women couldn’t care less.
Women get psychic as they age.

You never have to confess your sins to an older woman.

They always know.
An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick.

This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two,

an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Her libido’s stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone.

Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal

and she’s lived long enough to know how to please a man

in ways her daughter could never dream of.

(Young men, you have something to look forward to.)
Older women are forthright and honest.

They’ll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.
Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 50,

there is a bald, paunchy relic in plain pants

making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.

-------------------------

--------

Religion

Son of a Baptist minister

A little son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning

when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion.

He was greatly interested in it,

and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.

The first kitten bore it very well,

and so did the young cat,

but the old family cat rebelled.

It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away.

With considerable effort he caught it again

and proceeded with the ceremony.

But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit,

and scratched his hands and face.

Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water,

he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said:

"Fine, be an Atheist."


-----------------------------

-------------------------------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave with this
[just love this song]

It keeps rainin' an rainin

'Tears from my eye

sSince you've gone

All I do is cry

Won't somebody help me?

Somebody help me

Can't you see?

That my baby done left me

She left me reelin' and rockin

'Walkin' the floor

She left a note last nigh

tShe won't be back no more

It keeps rainin' an rainin'

Tears from my eyes

Since you gone

All I do is cry

Won't somebody help me

Somebody help me?

Can't you see?

That my baby done left me

She left me reelin' and rockin

'Walkin' the floor

She left a note last night

She won't be back no more

--------------

Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving messages

about my dog

after it savaged 7 Muslims, 2 Aboriginals and an Indian taxi driver.

For the last time,

he is NOT for Sale!!


------------------------------

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

370

to watch video click on

Watch on you tube

--------

In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed,

and I was looking at amirror on the ceiling,

and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'mcircumcised!

Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets

to find my driver license photo and it was that same color.

Black.I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting ina chair.

But it's a wheelchair!!

That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!

I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible.

It's impossible that Ishould be black and Jewish and disabled

.''It's the pure and holy truth',

whispers someone from behind meI turn around, and it's my Boyfriend

Just what I needed!!!

I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend

.Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend,

drug addict, and HIV-positive! !!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH,noooooo...I' m Bald!!!

The telephone rings.It's my brother.He is saying,

'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hangout,

take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing.

Get a job youworthless piece of crap...

Any job

Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo.. .

Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job

when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend,

are a drugaddict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan.

But he doesn't get it.

Frustrated, I hang up

.It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!

With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out.

I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses!

There is trash everywhere.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker... .

Pacemaker?

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend,

a drug addict, HIV- positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed,

an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart,

I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says tome,

'Sweetiepie,my love, my little black heartthrob,

have you decided which innaugral party we are going to for Obama ?????

?Say it isn't so!!!

I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed,drug addicted,

Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive,

bald,orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum,

and has a Mexican boyfriend

,but please, oh dear God,

please don't tell me I'm a DEMOCRAT....

-------------

thanks Liz z
--------------------

AWESOME

-------------

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake.

The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted,

"We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers-

-we had $100 when we broke in!"

------------------------------

Those Funny Animals

----------------------------------

The Sequel you 've been waiting for

The Birds (The Prequel) from NYSUfilms on Vimeo.

--------------------------

Meanwhile in Canada

It's making out with Moose time

and it's the best


---------------------------
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

Someone dialed 911.

When the paramedics arrived,

they helped him regain consciousness

and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said.

"My son asked me for the keys to the garage,

and instead of driving the car out,

he came out with the lawn mower."

--------------------------------


SOMETHING AUSSIE

John Paul Young [1978]





--------------------

Australia was actually Britain's first attempt at a penal colony.

What isn't mentioned is that they stopped using it once they discovered

that it was a lot cheaper to ship people off to Ireland

and just steal their potatoes until the Irish got so depressed

that they emigrated to America and became crooked cops.

Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers.

It is not to be confused with France,

which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.

Australia eventually outgrew its shady past and evolved into a modern civilized nation,

France has yet to make that particular leap.

The basic units of Australian currency are giant cans of beer,

which explains why Australian men have gargantuan arm muscles.

The central portion of Australia is a dry, barren wasteland containing nothing of interest.

Think of it as the real-world equivalent of a soap opera.

.Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters.

If for some unimaginable reason you don't own a gun,

consider carrying an Australian instead.

The following fun facts about Australia are from Lonely Planet’s Australia:

You’re Safe in Their Hands.

Australia has almost 112,600 Surf Life Savers,

who collectively spend some 1.4 million hours patrolling Australian beaches,

where they rescue approximately 10,000 people per year.

Fun facts about Australia:

Sports.

Aussie Tug of War.Wooli (pop. 600)

hosts the Australian Goanna Pulling Championships over Easter.

Rather than ripping the eponymous animal to shreds,

participants squatting on all fours,

attach leather harnesses to their heads and engage in cranial tug-of-war.

This sport was all the rage in the 19th century,

until it was replaced in popularity by sheep worrying and dunny dodging.

Note: if you don’t know what a goanna or a dunny is you haven’t lived,

not in Oz at least.

.Fun facts about Australia:

Patents.

Great Australian inventions include the half-car-half-truck utility vehicle,

(known in Oz as a ‘ute’, every ‘bloke’ should own one),

the bionic ear, the black box flight recorder, the notepad

and, my very own favourite, the wine cask

( may The Almighty forever bless this man ).

Fun facts about Australia:

Food

The Australian fetish for meat pies is legendary:

Australians eat 260 million of them a year, around 13 per citizen.

(and ain’t they good......sometimes)

.Fun facts about Australia:

The Cane Toad

.Queenslanders have several nicknames,

but perhaps the most curious one is ‘cane toad’,

after the amphibious critters that were introduced to Australia in 1935

in an attempt to control the native cane beetle.

These creatures are not a pretty sight and have proved to be absolutely useless

as they ignored the pesky cane grub and instead focused on reproducing.

From an original batch of just 101 toads,

there are now over 200 million of these long-legged creatures hopping around Australia-

an invasion that has seen the populations of native snakes and goanna lizards decline.

Indeed, the problem has gotten so bad that a millionare pub owner

has introduced a beer-for-a-bag-of-toads bounty

that’s even got the support of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals

But it seems not everyone hates them;

Queensland’s representative rugby league team (the best in the world)

has chosen the cane toad as their unofficial mascot

and they have even been listed by the National Trust of Queensland

as a state icon, warts and all

Unusual Zoo.

Even if you don’t normally like zoos, you must visit the Australia Zoo.

This isn’t your typical zoo- the animals aren’t in cages;

instead they roam through semi-natural habitats spread over acres,

many of which you can walk directly through.

This zoo is the life’s work and great love of the late Steve Irwin.

Profits from the zoo help endangered species and fund an on-site wildlife hospital

.Just be careful when you’re wandering through the crocodile enclosure...

.Fun facts about Australia:

The Great Barrier Reef.

The Great Barrier Reef is home to about 1500 species of fish,

400 types of coral, 4000 breeds of clams and other molluscs, 800 echinoderms,

including sea cucumbers, 500 varieties of seaweed, 200 bird species,

1500 different sponges, and 6 types of turtle

.Fun facts about Australia:

Souvenirs

If you’re looking to do more than simply soak up the sun on your travels

there are a number of ways you can leave your mark

on the environment- in a good way.

The Tolga Bat Hospital, located just outside Atherton near Cairns,

is always looking for volunteers to help look after the hundreds of bats

that they rescue, rehabilitate and release every year.

The winged critters are surprising cute and work might include feeding the ‘bubs’

or looking after orphaned flying foxes.

Fun facts about Australia:

Yellow Gold.

Prized for its rich golden hue, rot-resistant oils and fine grain,

Tasmania’s Huon Pine is one of the slowest-growing

and longest-living trees on the planet.

Individuals can take 2000 years to reach 30m in height and live to be 3000 years old.

Fun facts about Australia:

Doo Town.

No one is really sure how it all started,

but the raggedy collection of fishing shacks at Doo Town

all contain the word “Doo” in their names

.There’s the sexy “Doo Me”, the approving “We Doo”, the Beatle-esque “Love Me Doo”,

and the melancholic “Doo Write”.

We’re a funny lot, us Aussies

Beer Can Regatta

.Don’t miss this cheerfully odd event held in mid-July at Darwin’s Mindil Beach,

featuring races for boats made entirely from beer cans

Getting the building material can be a lot of fun..

Fun facts about Australia:

Prince Leonard’s Land

.If you thought Australia was an island nation, you would be incorrect.

The Principality of Hutt River is Australia’s “second largest country”

formed when Leonard Casley, appalled by new government quotas on wheat production, seceded from the Commonwealth in 1970.

The principality has around 13,000 citizens and is constitutionally valid

It has a post office and gift shop and welcomes visitors.

PS you don’t need a passport to visit.

Staircase to the Moon.

The reflections of the rising full moon hitting the rippled mud flats

at Roebuck Bay in Western Australia, exposed at low tide,

create the optical illusion of a golden stairway leading to the moon.

The town is abuzz with everyone eager to see the spectacle.

At Town Beach there’s a lively evening market with food stalls

and people bring their fold-up chairs and a bottle of something.

NB The original says ‘a bottle of something’

but the writer has obviously never been to Oz,

no-one ever takes just ONE bottle..

-

No part of Australia is more than 1000 km from the ocean and a beach

(The point in the world that's the furthest from any ocean would be in China.]

Australia has the world's largest cattle station (ranch).

At 30,028 km2 it is almost the same size as Belgium

Australia is so big and sparsely populated that population density in Australia

is usually calculated in square km per person, not people per square km.

Australians have 380,000 square metres per person available,

yet well over 90 of Australia's GDP) cover 0.02% of Australia's land mass.

More land is occupied by pubs.

(Can't find any statistics on the GDP here, my guess is: substantial).

In 1954 Bob Hawke made it into the Guinness Book of Records:

he sculled 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds.

Bob Hawke went on to become the Prime Minister of Australia.

Says a lot for our politicians...

Funny stories:

Who do you think was more scared?

The Australian family camping in Kakadu National Park

who woke up when a three metre crocodile tried climbing up on their tent,

or the crocodile, when the family started screaming

The poor croc turned straight around and raced back towards the water,

unfortunately overlooking the tree in its way.

The tree lost a fair bit of bark and there were two big wet circles where

the croc's nose had slammed into the tree..

.Another.A tourist from New South Wales had to stop another vehicle

to ask for directions to Ayers Rock.

Nothing strange or funny about that?

Well, Ayers Rock is huge (348 metres high),

is the only significant feature along the only road in the area

, and he was right in front of the rock with his headlights shining on it!

You'd think you'd notice, wouldn't you?

Nope.He pulled over the next car coming along, to ask for directions.

The car looked like a ranger's vehicle to him

.Well, they were cops instead and they immediately whipped out their breathalyser... 0.116.

Too bad... (if you don’t know, 0.05 is the legal limit for driving in Australia

and if you drive with more alcohol in you than that you’re a bloody idiot...).

Fun Facts About Australia:

Animals.

Rabbits are considered a pest in Australia.

Although somewhat cute and fuzzy, they tend to wander the country in packs,

destroying everything in sight,

and pooping everywhere with no respect for property rights,

much like American hippies.

There are 1500 hundred species of Australian spiders

.If you read about our spiders you might not like this:

the average person swallows three spiders a year

We have over 6000 species of flies, about 4000 species of ants,

and there are about 350 species of termites in Australia.

The combined mass of all termites in the world

is more than ten times the mass of all people.

Termites are also called white ants, but they're not ants,

in fact not even closely related to ants.

Dingoes are wild dogs native to Australia,

and shouldn't be confused with Ding-Dongs,

which have less hair, and more cream filling

.A platypus is an odd-looking creature that appears to be a cross

between a duck and a beaver.

They live primarily in water and only exist to confuse biologists.

Australia has the world's largest population of wild camels with one hump.

The Tasmanian Devil does exist,

it has the jaw strength of a crocodile and you can see it at Australia Zoo.

Sharks are immune to all known diseases.

There are more than 150 million sheep in Australia,

and only some 20 million people.

Fun Facts About Australia:

Geography.

Imagine if the fully welded rails of the Ghan train track weren't restrained properly,

on a hot outback desert day they would expand

and at the Darwin end they'd stick out 1.1 km into the ocean.

Star gazing: under ideal viewing conditions, like in the Australian Outback,

the naked eye can detect about 5,780 stars,

I counted them one night when I had nothing better to do.........???

The Sydney Opera House roof weighs more than 161,000 tons.

The Great Barrier Reef is the largest organic construction on earth.

Termite mounds are the tallest non-human constructions on earth.

Yulara, the Aboriginal name of the Ayers Rock Resort,

means "crying", "weeping".

The cynics amongst us say it’s called that because

that's what visitors do when they see their bill..

.If you find that any of these fun facts about Australia are out of date

or just plain wrong, don't crucify me,

by: John Morrad

-----------------------

Blast from the Past
Not really a big fan of Boz Scaggs but like this one

Must be because it has a strong Cajun sound






---------------------

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going

."I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcoho

l and drug abuse on the human body."

The policeman asks,

"Really? And who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?"

"My wife", he replied.

---------------------

On a deserted island

OOPS!!!


-----------------------------------


COOL SHOPPING BAGS

thanks Duke

------------------

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own.

Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world.

So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally,

one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise.

She booked passage on a cruise liner - first class all the way...

The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night.

But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank,

but just danced the night away.

One night, after they had been at sea for a week,

Penny was walking back to her cabin,

when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance.

If that wasn't enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left.

As a result, Penny was thrown overboard

A hue and a cry were immediately raised,

and after about five minutes they found Penny.

Hauling her aboard, the ship's crew realized that it was too late,

poor Penny was dead.

Normally, they would have done a burial at sea,

but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl,

and had written a will.

In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated,

and kept in a jar on her parent's fireplace mantel.

Her wishes were fulfilled,

which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned

---------------------------

"DOWN MEMORY LANE"




-----------------------------

------------------------------------


SOME FUNNY SIGNS

-------------------------

thanks Geoff C

--------------------------------

Two old women lived way out in the country,

only going into town on Sundays for church.

One Sunday, there was a strange pastor,

a very handsome man, in the pulpit, preaching away quite merrily.

One of the women, quite deaf, had to turn her hearing aid up fully

.As the old women were returning home,

the pros and cons of the new pastor was their main subject of conversation.

"I thought he was lovely," said one

."He was, rather, wasn't he?" said the other

."He was very loud, wasn't he?"

"Eh?" said the other, "what cloud?"

"I said he was very loud."

"Eh?""I said, he was very loud," shouted the other.

"Bawls like a bull!"

"Has he?" said the first.

"I never noticed. The pulpit was in the way."

-------------------------






-------------------




PHILS PHILOSOPHY

------------------------

but I leave you with this

From Divine Madness

Some say love, it is a river

that drowns the tender reed

Some say love, it is a razor

that leaves your soul to bleed.

Some say love, it is a hunger

an endless aching need.

I say love, it is a flower

and you it's only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking

that never learns to dance.

It's the dream afraid of waking

that never takes the chance.

It's the one who won't be taken

who cannot seem to give,

and the soul afraid of dyin'

that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely

and the road has been to long

and you think that love

is onlyfor the lucky and the strong

,just remember in the winter

far beneath the bitter snow

lies the seed that with the sun's love

in the spring becomes the rose



--------------

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.