574
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The Voice of China
Xmas Funnies
Burl Ives Silver Bells
Fuuny Xmas Song
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Belated Thanksgiving funnies
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This certainly made me laugh
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Those Funny Animals
Cute Animals 2013
Bears acting like Humans
thanks Joanne W
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The Beauty of Pollination
View in full screen for best effect
The Beauty of Pollination
View in full screen for best effect
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How to Die young
Sit for more than 11 hours a day
Run with the Bulls
Angry animals
with horns chasing you down narrow streets sounds like a death wish
Start a business in Russia without paying the Mafia
Move to Zhengzhou in China
Insult Kim Kong 11 while visiting North Korea
If there is any place on Earth guaranteed to decrease your life
expectancy,
North Korea would certainly be a contender.
Become a drug dealer in Chicago
Eat lots of Hamburgers
Go Base jumping on weekends
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An old man and woman were married
for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation,
yelling could be heard deep
into the night.
The old man would shout,
“When I die, I will dig my way up and
out of the grave
and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbors feared him.
The old man
liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart
attack
when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at
the funeral.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked
“Aren’t
you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way
out of the grave and haunt
you for the rest of your life?”
The wife said,
“Let him dig. I
had him buried upside down.
And I know he won’t ask for directions.”
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Bill Cosby
Far from Finished
Far from Finished
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Here we go again!!
Performing an Epic Land Rover Split is no
easy feat
and shouldn’t be undertaken by amateurs.
The Land Rover is a rugged offload vehicle capable
of operating in
extreme conditions so that of course
is where the epic spilt should be
attempted.
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Beer
How to rescue a Russian Car from the ice
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Washed Ashore
.jpg)
There are two French Legionnaires in the desert,
nd they’ve been separated
from their unit and are lost.
They’ve been wandering for several days without food and water,
and are
nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration,
when as
they reach the top of a sand dune,
they see a big, bustling market laid out
before them.
Naturally, they can’t believe their eyes and think it’s a mirage,
but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders’ cries,
and they
eventually reach the market and realise that it’s really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the
stallholder
, “Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days,
and have had no food or water.
We shall surely die soon unless you have some
you can sell us.
Tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?”
The stallholder shook his head and replied,
“I’m sorry, French legionnaire
type people,
but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly,
topped
with custard and cream,
and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of
pieces of fruit and cake.”
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised,
and move on to the
next stall, where they ask the stallholder,
“Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and
the like,
we have been travelling through the desert for days,
deprived of the
necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival.
We shall
surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water.”
The stallholder looked at them embarressed, and confessed
“Gentlemen, tragic
as I admit it is,
I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which
you ask me.
All I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard
and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and
cake
with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top, there,” he said,
pointing out the glace cherry
. “I cannot help you.”
The legionnaires look at each other in desperation,
and run on to the next
stall, where they demand of the stallholder,
“Look, mate, we need water or
we’ll die.
We’ve been travelling without water for days and need some now
. Do
you have any you can sell us?”
The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed,
“Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream
and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.
I can’t help you.
I’ll
have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration.”
The legionnaires were really worried by this point,
and they went through
the market, stall by stall,
asking each stallholder whether they had any water
they could sell them,
and thus save their lives,
but each stallholder gave the
same reply,
all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard
and
hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate,
the legionnaires left the desert
market and walked off into the setting sun
As they did so, one turned to the
other and said,
“That was really odd, a big market in the middle of nowhere,
and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream
and hundreds and
thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.”
The other turned to face his companion and replied,
“Yes, it was a trifle
bazaar
The patient was face down on the bed while four doctors
with a combined
total of 81 years medical experience,
examined his upraised buttocks.
In spite of all their training, the best they could come up with were
comments like
“I’ve never seen anything like it,”
and “Beat’s me,” and
“It must
make life very uncomfortable for you, Mr. Higgenbottom.”
Higgenbottom managed a muffled hiss into a big, fluffy pillow
. Four other
equally fluffy pillows were responsible for his buttocks
jutting heavenward at
such an embarrassing angle.
Out of the corner of one eye,
Higgenbottom glimpsed a flash of latex.
One of the doctors had hauled on a rubber glove
and unceremoniously grabbed
a handful of Higgenbottom’s swollen behind.
This produced a muffled howl from
the pillow.
“What do you make of it, Bumstead?” asked Dr. Cheeks
, who had an irritating
habit of addressing
his colleagues by only their last names.
Dr. Bumstead, the oldest of the four,
looked thoughtful as he took a closer
look at the tiny scratch
which had apparently been responsible for
Higgenbottom’s bottom
now being roughly twice its normal size
and more closely
resembling an overripe purple pumpkin.
“That must be the mother of all rear end infections.
Yes, sir, it’s hard to
believe such a little scratch could have caused this.”
He poked at the cut with
the tip of a pen.
Higgenbottom shifted uncomfortably, not at all pleased
with his new status
as medical marvel.
“Have all the tests been run?” Bumstead asked.
“Yes, and they didn’t turn up anything unusual.”
“Nothing in the bloodstream?”
“Just blood.”
“Most unusual.”
“What, that there is blood in his bloodstream?”
Burnstead ignored the remark.
It was the kind of thing you’d expect from the
cheeky Cheeks.
“I guess it’s back to the medical books for’this one.
We’re going to have to
call in a specialist
or Higgenbottom might never sit again.”
They all nodded in agreement.
“It’s hard to treat something unless you know what you’re up against,”
Burnstead continued.
“This is obviously more than an ordinary infection.
It looks
like a severe case of arse nick poisoning to me.”
In Baltimore, the Psychic Friends
Network has filed for bankruptcy.
They say they never saw it coming.
Insanity is hereditary.
You get it from your kids!
It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored
of playing chess with
Russians.
He asked the association to fix his next match
with some other
Europeans.
It seems his telegram read,
"How about a Czech mate?"
It's a good thing someone invented venetian blinds,
otherwise, it
would be "curtains" for everyone.
Jan. 19, 1896.... the first music
patent was granted.
The man who received it said he got it for a song.
Jurisprudence fetishists get off on technicalities
Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.
Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound!
Many years ago there was a small town
that had several bakeries.
One of these was run by the aunts of a man named Penn.
He and his aunts baked
the best pies in the state.
Not only that, but they were also the least expensive.
Now the other bakers could make equally delicious pies,
but Penn always sold
more,
for no one could beat the
'pie rates of Penn's aunts'.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot befor
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Guard Fails
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The Personality Test
[ I scored 46 ]
POSTERS
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Outstanding performance lip syncing
by 4 young kids
. Gotta Love the Bass Singer.
thanks Wayne W
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Brave or just plain stupid!!!!!
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"GO US NAVY"
This
takes the term “model aircraft” to a whole new dimension
Amazing stuff.
Next minute there won't be any engineers.
They
might make things to last instead
of the alleged inbuilt redundancy.
Northrop Grumman's X-47B
unmanned combat air system demonstrates
how to successfully takeoff and land
from the deck of a moving aircraft carrier
UAV Launch and Recovery Aboard Carrier (77) George HW Bush
best viewed in Full Screen
thanks Gordon H
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Phun Phacts
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This weeks music
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Deals too good to miss
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Funny Commercials
Some old ones here
but some I haven't seen before
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Miscellanous stuff
Facts to keep you up all night
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This weeks signs
PHILS PHILOSOPHY
Paint me a Forest
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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would
like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at
philco@iinet.net.au.