Phils Phun

54

Welcome to edition 54
Footy is over for the weekend
One week to go and its the finals and the Eagles are looking
to finish second on the ladder to earn a home final
Docker fans have crawled back in their hole

Keith Richards .......UNDRUGGED

AUSTRALIAN BUSH ETIQUETTE [wish Ihad known some of this before I went to Queensland]
IN GENERAL.
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to
take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the cask, tilt the paper cup
and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no;
it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman
it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you ever since
I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back home will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday."
If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to withdraw from the date ASAP. THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered to be out of place).
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles,
even if your guns are loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roobar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
[Thanks Peter Pelham]

A giant panda gave birth to a cub in an Austrian zoo last Thursday,

Europe's first such event in 25 years (the last one was born in Madrid in 1982).
Giant pandas are notoriously loathe to breed in captivity.

Females typically ovulate just once a year for a few days.
The new born cub weighs just 100 grams (3.5 ounces)

and measuring 10 cm (3.9 inches).
The panda was born without artificial insemination

and that is extremely rare.

About 40 percent of baby pandas did not live beyond a year.
In the above picture the mother is carrying her baby in her mouth.

A widowed lady was sunbathing on a Perth beach.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up,
placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach," she continued. "Do you come here often?"
"First time since my wife passed away two years ago,"
he replied, and returned to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that.
My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely.
Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he said, "over in Floreat Park.
"Still trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted:
"Sir, do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped on her,
pulled off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate time of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
"And I'd like to know how you knew my name was Katz."

When you gotta go, you gotta go.........................No thanks, now get lost

I had the toughest time of my life when I was a senior in high school.

First I got angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis.

Just as I was recovering from these,

I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and appendicitis, followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

Then, I don't know, there was diabetes, rheumatism and neuritis.

I don't know how I pulled through it.

Just let me tell you it was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

Some dumb blonde sent this to me

How to weigh yourself
In case you're wondering I am always 4.3lbs [1.95kg's]

I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals,

kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities,

but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, George,

of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup parked in front of the town's only bar.

George, a man of few words, said nothing.

He didn't explain, defend or deny.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house

and walked home....l

leaving the pickup there all night

I WONDER IF SHE COOKS AND CLEANS?

At last a solution to stop all those mongrels

who keep stealing my thongs!!!

Women are smarter than men
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,

he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where

he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,

"but in just a month or two, my father will die,

and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and,

three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

Why We Like The British*
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed hishouse." (The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot
issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle

and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A list of announcements that London
Tube train drivers have actually made
to their passengers . . . . . .
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize
for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home, unless, of
course, you happen to be married to my
ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross
over to the Westbound and go in the opposite
direction."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the
line controller suffering from E & B syndrome:
not knowing his elbow from his
backside. I'll let you know any further information
as soon as I'm given any."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey
coat trying to get on the second carriage -
what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't
you understand?"

A Scotsman walking through a field,

sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman man shouts " Awa ye feel hoor that âs full Oâ coos Sharn"
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you!

"The Scotsman man shouts back

"Use both hands, you'll get more in!"
[thanks Jim King]

Following are three music videos

All of the same song

"Its a working man I am"

is a song dedicated to coalminers throughout the world

My father worked underground for a number of years in the coalmines at Clooie

so this song is special to me

Ican't decide which version Ilike best

So have posted three