159

Am off on vacation tomorrow for three weeks of battery recharging
Am travelling to the North West ,to Cape Leveque [2500 km's]
There are very limited facilties in this remote part of the state
so will be unable to blog
Should be back about mid-september
If you are interested in the whereabouts of Cape leveque
embiggen the State map and follow the coast up to north of Broome

Hooray! Hooray! Its a holly holiday

This guy went into the bar Friday night and ordered three beers.

In fact, every Friday night he went into the bar and ordered three beers

and drank them all by himself.

Three beers...every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3.

Well, the bartender couldn't figure this out.

Without fail this guy always came in.

The bartender finally said to the guy,

"Every Friday night you come in here and have three beers.

There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3."

The guy said, "Yes, there is a story.

You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night

when we were in Vietnam."

One night while we were drinking we decided that we would continue

doing this when we returned to the States.

We also decided that if one of us didn't make it,

the other two would drink the third one's beer.

And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers.

The other two didn't make it back so I'm drinking theirs."

The bartender felt bad.

Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual

but only ordered two beers.

The bartender couldn't believe it.

From then on, Friday after Friday, this guy now ordered only two drinks.

The bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it.

The bartender said to him,

"I notice you've only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks.

There has to be a story here."

The guy said,

"Yes, indeed there is a story.

You see, I joined the Mormon church and I can't drink beer any more."

-------------------------------------------------------------

The Perfect Woman

Stole these jokes from Hale Mackay
It occurred to me

Freda was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right.

Unfortunately, being blonde, she wasn't especially bright.

She had just started her first job, as a secretary and general go-fer at a corporate office.

Her first task was to go out for coffee.

She walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos.

When the counterman finally noticed her, she held up the thermos.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" she said.

The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said,

"Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Good," Freda said.

"Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

-----------------------------------------------------------
Cousin Elly, another blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up.

When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers.

It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked;

how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store

and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied,

"However, there's one thing I don't understand.

Why do I have to go to bed every time

I want to make a pot of coffee?"

--------------------------------------------------------------

The galley slaves were taking a rest after a full day rowing under merciless sun

with the sound of the slave driver's gong still ringing in their ears.

"It's not the captain's waterskiing that bothers me so much" said one slave to his shipmate.

"It's that gong, gong, gong every two seconds. I'm going to get rid of it"

The slaves decide that under cover of darkness,

they would lift the gong from its chains and throw it overboard.

"We can't do it like that" suggested one of the plotters

"They would be sure to hear us - we'll have to find a way to slip it quietly into the water"

.So that night, six of the slaves lifted the heavy gong

and carried it carefully to the stern of the galley -

but there was no way to slip the gong into the water without banging it noisily on the boat.

"I have it! - I'll slip under the rail and hold on with my back to the stern,

then I will act as a slide for you to ease the gong over my body

and quietly into the water", said the brightest of the slaves.

This was working perfectly, when suddenly the slave driver appeared behind the plotters.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he shouted.

To a man, the men sprang to attention, and burst into song ...

One, two, three -

"We're sliding a gong on the chest of a slave ...."

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out

of ammunition as of yesterday.

A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented

that while Russia may have invaded Georgia,

they sure as heck ain't doin' it to Alabama.

--------------------------------------------------------

Music......Double play
"The Wind beneath my Wings"

Bette Midler

David Alexander

Sarcastic One Liners
1. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
2. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
3. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
4. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
5. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
6. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
7. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
8. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
9. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
10. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
11. A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
12. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
14. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
15. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?
16. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
17. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
18. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
21. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
22. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
23. If At First You Don’t Succeed, Blame Someone Else And SeekCounseling.
24. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.






Cartoons

Bad parenting

JOCK THE PAINTER
There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested

in making a buck where he could,

so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time,

but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job

on the roof of one of their biggest churches.

Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks,

and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away,

the job nearly done when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder,

and the sky opened, the rain poured down,

washing the thin paint from all over the church

and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn,

among the gravestones,

surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool.

He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

so he got on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:

"Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!" >
-------------------------------------------

Divorce cake

My wife made me put this picture here!!!!!

158



::: BREAKING NEWS :::
In 2009 the government will start killing all the mentally ill people.
I started crying when I thought of you.
Run little buddy, run!







What Men do for women




Country wisdom
An old guy in an Australian desert town was showing some tourists
how to top up a camel with water.
"That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."
As the camel bent down to drink,
the old guy picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel's balls.
The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.
"Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist.
"Nah," replied the old timer.
"Only if you get your fingers caught!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Very Clever




A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bob by Lee Walton,
a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks,
had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under five conditions:
“First”, Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.”
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
“Second”, he said, “She must wear a ‘Dale Earnhardt Forever’ T-Shirt.”
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
“Third”, he said, “you can’t never tell no one about this.”
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
“Fourth”, Bobby Lee said, “I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.”
Once again it was agreed.
“And last,” Bobby Lee said,
“I’ll need another week to come up with the $500.00.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you like boxing?
This bloke is a candidate for "Wanker of the Year"




Baby sitting Bear


Iwant some of these

Exageration to the max

On standby

A German, an American and an Englishman were exploring the
jungle when they came across an breathtakingly beautiful waterfall.
After admiring it for a while, the American says,

"When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great American Constitution,

you know, where every atom of water is like an individual who has the freedom to make
it's own way through the world in unison with nature".

The German says,
"When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great German economy,
strong and powerful and smooth running".

The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says,

"When I look at this waterfall, I think of oral sex".

The American and the German look at him in amazement.

"What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"

"Uh. everything I look at makes me think of oral sex".
---------------------------------------------------------------------


Canadian Offer

Cartoons

Bar Against The Church
In a small Texas town, Drummond's bar began construction

on a new building to increase their business.

The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar

from opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed right up till the week before opening

when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that,

until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church

was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building,

either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility

or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork.

At the hearing he commented,

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this,

but as it appears from the paperwork,

we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer,

and an entire church congregation that does not."

-----------------------------------------------------------


Music................ Double Play

Annie's Song

John Denver

James Galway

Something Nice For Dad
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died,

a son who lived far away called his brother and told him,

“Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.”

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.
The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid,

figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month,

and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

“Well,” said the other brother,

“you said to do something nice for Dad.

So I rented him a tuxedo.”





Smoking

157

How Greeks Do Business
Kosta (father): ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’

Son: ‘I will choose my own bride!!!’

Kosta: ‘But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter..’

Son: ‘Well, in that case… ok’

Next Kosta approaches Bill Gates.

Kosta: ‘I have a husband for your daughter....’

Bill Gates: ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!’

Kosta: ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.’

Bill Gates: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’

Finally Kosta goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Kosta: ‘I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.’

President: ‘But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!’

Kosta: ‘But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.’

President: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’

And that my friends is how Greeks do business.

Two very good friends of mine are David and Josie Jamieson

Josie is Welsh and David is a Kiwi

For Josie........

The Welsh National Anthem
Hew Wlad fy Nhaday

[Land of our fathers]

And for David.....

The New Zealand National Anthem

Cartoons[Bears]

Pulled over

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son.

She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.

After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road,

she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.

She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car.

Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said,

"Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Her 7 year old son piped up from the back seat,

"I do ... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"



Lunch Time

Whats for Lunch?

Interesting Tourist attraction in New Zealand

What Elvis taught me

SOME people follow Confucius, others swear by the philosophical insights of Plato or Sartre.

Why not instead study the songs of Elvis Presley?

Taken as a whole, they contain everything from handy tips about geography

("a river flows surely to the sea") to practical travel advice (the YMCA in Memphis has cheap accommodation), right through to religious instruction ("I'm lonely like Adam, you're evil like Eve").

Today, on the anniversary of Elvis's death, it may be time to codify that knowledge.

Herewith the 30 things I've learned about life from listening to Elvis.

TRAVEL

1. The typical train is 16 carriages long.

2. All food in Germany consists of hasenpfeffer and black pumpernickel.

3. The Heartbreak Hotel is located at the end of Lonely Street and its desk clerk dresses in black.

4. Hula dancers are best judged by their ability to really move that grass around.

5. A harem in the Middle East contains 20 women.

6. So efficient is the US postal service that it will return an unwanted letter within 24 hours of its initial posting

.7. There are few sounds that make you feel more lonely than that of the midnight train.

8. If hitchhiking, it's hard to choose a better destination than Memphis Tennessee.

RELATIONSHIPS

1. When inviting a young woman to dance, you may increase your chances by noting that chicken is being served in the barn.

2. If rejected by the older sister in a family, by all means have a crack at her little sister, who may have matured more than you at first noticed.

3. Women named Marie are naturally duplicitous.

4. It's OK to date your cousin, providing she's a distant cousin "but not too distant with you".

5. Girls named Daisy tend to drive you crazy.

6. If caught without a partner during a dance at a federal penitentiary, why not try dancing with a wooden chair?

7. Conversation with a girlfriend can become tiresome if she fails to break up the conversation every now and then with a little action

.8. A .44-calibre pistol is an excellent firearm choice for a woman whose partner was doin' her wrong.

PERSONAL GROOMING

1. If wearing suede shoes, particularly of a light hue, one should make their protection one's No. 1 priority, even above that of preventing arson attacks on one's own home.

THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

1. There are few looks in life more intense than that of a one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store.

2. A passionate kiss can be measured by the fact that even a team of wild horses would be unable to drag apart the two participants.

3. The embrace of a grizzly bear provides a useful point of comparison when considering the pressure necessary to demonstrate real passion during an affair.

4. A good hound dog should be able to catch a rabbit.

GEOGRAPHY

1. People are more likely to be alone during a blue moon than during any other lunar event.

2. In the state of Kentucky, precipitation usually occurs when a man is hitchhiking from town to town, having been abandoned by his baby.

MEDICAL

1. The lips of attractive women tend to taste like breakfast spread, in particular honey.

2. A temperature of 109 is quite common during the early stages of an affair.

3. The experience of love, especially early in life, can have serious medical consequences including sensations of itching, hand tremors, leg spasms, heart palpitations and language difficulties.

HISTORY

1. American soldiers were unable to approach young women in Germany in the period after the war, as local women wore signs in German saying, "Keepen Sie Off The Grass."

PHILOSOPHY

1. Children born in disadvantaged areas such as ghettos should receive special assistance as this reduces the likelihood of them turning to a life of crime, thus perpetuating an endless cycle of disadvantage

.2. A rabbit's foot, while widely considered a creator of good luck, makes only a moderate contribution to one's happiness compared to the impact of finding a good life partner.

3. If you suspect someone is evil check their middle name because it may well be "Misery".

Now, show me one passage in Plato, Sartre or Confucius

that can match all of that for depth, width and wisdom.

I've lived my life by it, how about you?

RIP Elvis, the King.

A fairy princess dreamed of becoming a ballerina.

One day, she read an announcement that the Royal Ballet would audition dancers.

The auditions were in a nearby town.

So, on the morning of the auditions, she tied 100 white pigeons to her chariot.

The director noticed her dramatic entrance.

He immediately told her to go home.
"Why?" cried the princess.
"We have enough pigeon-towed dancers already."

Music

Of the many versions of the late Jo Safford and Hank Williams classic

Jambalaya

here are two I like


Fats Domino, Ray Charles and Jerry Lee Lewis

and from 1965....... the pocket dynamo

Brenda Lee

Duct Tape

Life's Not Fair For Men
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.

When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

What do women want to be liberated from???

Optimistic drunk

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him

that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk

that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK to go out with the guys

as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get sh*t-faced.

After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "Sh*t! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house

for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep

from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door.

Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself,

just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks

to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when George walked into the house with money in hand,

his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze

all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain!

This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who sh*t in my pants."