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Priest Off
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Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window.
Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window.
The notice said "We sell everything".
Paddy could not believe this so he went inside.
He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson,
"Do you really sell everything?"
The salesperson said "Yes, everything".
Thinking this was too good to be true
Thinking this was too good to be true
Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?".
The salesperson said
"A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back".
Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag.
"Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"
"How much?" asked Paddy.
"Three quid." replied the salesperson.
"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy.
"How much?" asked Paddy.
"Three quid." replied the salesperson.
"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy.
So away he went as happy as larry.
When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done,
so he looked inside the bag.
At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop.
He screamed at the saleperson
"Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken
and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"
The salesperson replied,
The salesperson replied,
"Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens,
all we had was a pullover for a cock
What can I say!!!!
A smug railway porter with a cheeky smile on his face,
''did you Miss the train, sir?
The passenger replied
'' No mate, I didn't like the look of it, so I chased it out of the bloody station''
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Cartoons
It starts of a little slowly, but it is
Just brillant
Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain
Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
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Top Ten Reasons for ...
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Give them a second chance
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10.Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in secon Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
1.You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2.The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be chasing.
3.You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around wretching their stomach contents up at the sight. 4.Old women can sport moustaches.
5.Young women can sport moustaches.
6.Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7.You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8.You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9.Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10.Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos
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A man was walking down the street and he seen a small boy who was crying.
The man asked him what his name was.
The boy replied,
'Sixandseveneighths McPhee.
'The man said ''how on earth did you get a name like that.''
the wee boy said his mum and dad couldn't agree on a name
so they just picked it out of a hat''
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Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut
after a body of a member of staff was found covered in
mushrooms, onions ham and cheese.
The police spokesman said that there was a strong possibility
that the man had topped himself.
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Role reversal...Ducks revenge
Role reversal...Ducks revenge
One says, "Your willy doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end of my willy"
"When did that happen?"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end of my willy"
"When did that happen?"
'' when I was about six weeks old."
"Was it sore?"
"Sore! I couldn't walk for a bloody year!"
"Was it sore?"
"Sore! I couldn't walk for a bloody year!"
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Blondes have more fun
Great stuff as usual, Phil. I don't know if you've stopped by my place recently, but I posted a pic I think you'd like to use - it pokes fun at New Zealanders.
ReplyDeleteMOST POPULAR HALLOWEEN COSTUME IN THIS YEAR:
At end of post.
G'day Hale
ReplyDeleteI stop by your place everyday, if Iam in the city
Saw the Kiwi picture and have already stolen it.
Love New Zealanders
Great lot.
We are forever taking the piss out of each other.
And life goes on
Cheers