185
AN HONEST ROBBER?
An American, a Mexican and an Italian robbed a bank.
As it turned out, they got a lot of cash in Dollars, Pesos and Liras.
When they returned back to their hide-out,
the American distributed the money in three even shares.
He counted each portion aloud:
"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ...
1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you,
1000 liras for you ...1000 Dollars for me,
1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ..."
The Mexican said to the Italian,
"Well I can't stand these Yankees,
but I have to admit they are honest.
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Brickies Labourer in Bangladesh
thanks Brett
When he's finished unloading the boat, perhaps he can help out here
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How Insurance Works
After Mrs. O'Toole's barn burned down,
she called her insurance agent to file a claim.
She told the insurance man,
She told the insurance man,
"We had that barn insured for fifty thousand bucks,
and we need that money immediately!"
"Just a minute there, Mrs. O'Toole," the agent replied.
"Just a minute there, Mrs. O'Toole," the agent replied.
"Insurance doesn't work quite like that."
"What do you mean?!" she said.
"What do you mean?!" she said.
"The policy here says $50,000!"
"That's a maximum," the insurance man said.
"That's a maximum," the insurance man said.
"What we do is will ascertain the value of what was insured,
and then provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
After a long pause, she replied
After a long pause, she replied
"That's how insurance works?!"
"Absolutely," the agent said.
"Well then," she said,
"Absolutely," the agent said.
"Well then," she said,
"I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband immediately!"
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Ideal Xmas present for Sarah Palin
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Ideal Xmas present for Sarah Palin
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A woman in her eighties made the evening news
A woman in her eighties made the evening news
because she was getting married for the fourth time.
The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station,
and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age
and would she share part of her previous experiences,
since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a 'funeral director.'
After a short time to think, a smile came to her face
and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker
when she was in her twenties,
in her forties she married a circus ring master,
and in her sixties she married a pastor
and now in her eighties, a funeral director.
The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers.
With a smile on her face she explained,
'I married one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go.
Thanks Duke
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Thanks Duke
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Finish this sentence
As happy as a ...................
Thanks Brett
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Cartoons......Dogs
"Spin and Skip"
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One os Austrlia's favourite singer, songwriter and storytellers is John Williamson
This is one that is very popular
Its about those small country towns affected by years of drought
Ihave included the Lyrics as well
Cootamundra Wattle
Lyrics
Don't go lookin' through that old camphor box woman,
You know those old things only make you cry.
When you dream upon that little bunny rug
It makes you think that life has passed you by
There are days when you wish the world would stop woman,
But then you know some wounds would never heal
But when I browse the early pages of the children
It's then I know exactly how you feel.
Hey it's July and the winter sun is shining
And the Cootamundra wattle is my friend
For all at once my childhood never left me
'Cause wattle blossoms bring it back again
It's Sunday and you should stop the worry woman,
Come out here and sit down in the sun
Can't you hear the magpies in the distance?
Don't you feel the new day has begun?
Can't you hear the bees making honey woman,
In the spotted gums where the bellbirds ring?
You might grow old and bitter cause you missed it,
You know some people never hear such things
Hey it's July and the winter sun is shining
And the Cootamundra wattle is my friend
For all at once my childhood never left me'
Cause wattle blossoms bring it back again
Don't buy the daily papers any more woman,
Read all about what's going on in hell.
They don't care to tell the world of kindness,
Good news never made a paper sell.
There's all the colours of the rainbow in the garden woman,
And symphonies of music in the sky.
Heaven's all around us if you're looking,
But how can you see it if you cry.
Hey it's July and the winter sun is shining
And the Cootamundra wattle is my friend
For all at once my childhood never left me'
Cause wattle blossoms bring it back again.
The others are a bit slower
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Innovative therapy
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars.
The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient,
so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it,
and stick it completely up your backside
Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others
in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is.
The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them,
not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it."
And he did.
But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work?
It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc.
At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.
"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore,
but now I can't go to sleep at night unless
I have a cigar shoved up my backside."
HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.
PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.
DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little."
OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.
STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.
MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."
DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.
AFRO - I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.
AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.
LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.
KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.
DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.
DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!"
COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!"
FASCINATE - My girly's boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"
COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM."
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day,
when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye.
As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars,
and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper.
Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid
means "screw you" in gorilla language.
The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better -
and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats,
two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants,
he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage
where he opened up his bag of goodies.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars,
grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it.
The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants,
and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife,
looked at his own crotch,
looked at the man,
and pulled down his eyelid.
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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
Love the Brickies Labourer in Bangladesh video. That was amazing.
ReplyDeleteHave a terrific day. :)