190Phils Phun extends best wishes for the festive season to all readers and supporters.
Have a safe and enjoyable Xmas and may 2009 be all you wish for.
This post is a collection of Xmas pictures and jokes Ihave collected over the past weeks
If I have stolen it from you, thank you very much
We wish you a ripper Xmas
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The Singing Christmas Parrot
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.
The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for!
A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.
The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty,
but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot.
Immediately, Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities
and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.
Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife
and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately
He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night."
He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed,
and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter
under both of Chet's feet instead.
The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it.
So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing,
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
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Her's a pretty cool jigsaw puzzle that my daughter Rennae sent me
Click here: Santa's Jigsaw
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Click here: Santa's Jigsaw
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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap,
Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped:
"Didn't you get my E-mail?"
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"Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
8. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
"A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb
and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
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It wouldn't be Xmas if didn't have a couple of traditional Aussie Xmas songs
Aussie Jingle Bells
Six White Boomers...Rolf Harris
Six White Boomers...Rolf Harris
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A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas
serving behind the counter.
“Santa!” he says. “What are you doing working here?
“Santa!” he says. “What are you doing working here?
Shouldn’t you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?”
Santa Claus sighs.
Santa Claus sighs.
He’s really let himself go. The red suit’s got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it.
His apron’s in a mess and he just looks fed up
and like he doesn’t want to be serving up kebabs for a living.
“Well,” Santa says at last, “the business has gone belly up.
“Well,” Santa says at last, “the business has gone belly up.
With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating.
I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality
and we just lost our competitive edge.
Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS.
But… it didn’t help.
The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation.”
“Gee,” the guy says.
“Gee,” the guy says.
“I’m really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way.”
“Yeah,” says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile.
“Yeah,” says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile.
“Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?”
The guy says, “I’ll have a large Donner.
“Sorry,” says Santa.
The guy says, “I’ll have a large Donner.
“Sorry,” says Santa.
“We’re all out of Donner…….Will Blitzen do instead?”
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There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great.
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There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great.
He was standing in his house one day with his wife.
He looked out the window and saw something happening.
He says to his wife,
"Look honey. Its raining."
She, being the obstinate type, responded,
"I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing."
But Rudolph knew better.
So he says to his wife,"Let's step outside and we'll find out."
Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain.
And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies,
" I knew it was raining.
Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
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I have had numerous requests for my tequila Christmas cake, so here goes:
Please keep in your files as I am getting tired of typing this up every year!
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality.
Take out a large bowl,
check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is sstill OK.
Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit get as stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner
Finally, throw the bowl through the window
.Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.
Cherry Christmas
The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers,
The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?
'The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,Mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch , flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - dead from the root up
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - dead from the root up
and the balls are just for decoration.'
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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
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More countdown widgets here
Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
Happy Holidays, Phil!
ReplyDeleteI'm so stealing this one. Bwahahahaha. I love it over here.
ReplyDeleteHave a very Merry Christmas too. :)