219
You better believe it!!
Come on down and we'll go hunting
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Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar.
"Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre.
"I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible!
At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant.
'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform
five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet.
Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground,
and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet.
Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground.
'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely,
and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate.
"And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning."
"A leetle, at ze beginning."
Economic downturn
[a sign of the times]
thanks Josie
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Q. At what time in the construction process do architects tend to get their jumpers caught on things?
A. Snagging
.Q. What is a happy smiling structural engineer's philosophy?
A. I-beam therefore I am.
Q. How to you terminate your contract with an architect?
A. With a letter of dis-appointment.
Q. What do geometry obsessed architects drink?
A. Tea square
Q. Why was the architect in a hurry to get to the jungle?
A. Because he had a dead-lion to meet
.Q. Why was work on the chimney delayed?
A. Because the contractor was at home with the flue.
Q. Why did the contractor falling over necessitate relaying the foundations?
A. Because he lost his footing.
Q. What does a Mexican carpet fitter say?
A. Underlay! Underlay!
Q. Why do engineers enjoy fixing steelwork together?
A. Because it's riveting.
Q. In which Star Trek film did the crew of the Enterprise push the limits of flooring material design?
A. The Vinyl Frontier.
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Thanks John S
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CARTOONS..........Animals
A man starts a job at the zoo.
The first morning he is told to look after bees in the tropical house which he does
and by next morning they are all dead.
He goes to see the head keeper, the head keeper says
“right, mash the bees and feed them to the tropical fish”,
he does so and when he comes in the next morning all the fish are dead,
so it’s off to see the head keeper again..
“Oh dear” the head keeper says, “these things happen,
take the rest of the bees and the dead tropical fish and feed them to the chimpanzees”,
he does so and the next morning all the chimpanzees are dead…..
Off to see the head keeper yet again and he tells him
“right, take the chimpanzees, the bees and tropical fish and throw the lot to the lion’s”…
.As he is doing this one of the lion’s says to the other
“It must be Friday”
“Why do you say that?” asks his mate
“Look what’s for dinner”
he says with delight
“Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bee
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He has spoken
He has spoken
Bonus
Sabre Dance....Love Sculpture
A burgler broke into the home of a prominent local lawyer,
stealing the lawyer's Christmas presents from under the tree.
Scrupulously, he leaves the wife's and children's gifts alone.
As he is escaping from the house,
he has the bad luck to run into a policeman,
who promptly arrests him.
He confesses to what he has done,
but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.
When the policeman asks why, he explains,
"Because the law states that I am entitled to the presents of an attorney."
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A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it
so much that he never parted with it.
He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera...
One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.
On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone!
He retraced all his moves for the day and realised that the last place
he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor.
He raced back across town, but arrived too late.
The body had been removed
and was already being transported to the cemetary in the hearse.
The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket
and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket.
Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket!
It was too late ... the mouse was being buried alive.
Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother
had told him time and time again as a kid...
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There was a baby born in the hospital.
The odd thing about him was his testicles weighed five pounds
and the rest of his body weighed five pounds.
The nurses and doctors didn't know what to do with him.
The nurses and doctors didn't know what to do with him.
The chief of staff arrived and asked
"What's wrong?"
The head nurse replied,
''We don't know what to do with this baby boy.'
''We don't know what to do with this baby boy.'
' The chief looked and said,
"Well it's obvious that you should put him into a mental institution.
"Well it's obvious that you should put him into a mental institution.
Why,'' asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon,
the boy is obviously half nuts."
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Important Women's Health Issue
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions,
ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better
and be more confident about yourself and your actions.
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world
that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately
and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome
any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live
.Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past
and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:Dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration Erotic lustfulness Loss of motor control Loss of clothing
Loss of money Loss of virginity Table dancing Headache Dehydration Dry mouth
And a desire to sing Karaoke
WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering
when you are not..
WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
That creeped me right the hell out for some reason.
ReplyDeleteC'mon Dalton now, don't be a wuss.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't that bad
Cheers my friend
Dude rearranging his face was just weird though, man.
ReplyDelete