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You better believe it!!

Come on down and we'll go hunting
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Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar.

"Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre.

"I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible!

At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant.

'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform

five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet.

Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground,

and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet.

Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground.

'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely,

and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate.

"And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning."

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Economic downturn

[a sign of the times]

thanks Josie

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Architecture

Q. At what time in the construction process do architects tend to get their jumpers caught on things?

A. Snagging

.Q. What is a happy smiling structural engineer's philosophy?

A. I-beam therefore I am.

Q. How to you terminate your contract with an architect?

A. With a letter of dis-appointment.

Q. What do geometry obsessed architects drink?

A. Tea square

Q. Why was the architect in a hurry to get to the jungle?

A. Because he had a dead-lion to meet

.Q. Why was work on the chimney delayed?

A. Because the contractor was at home with the flue.

Q. Why did the contractor falling over necessitate relaying the foundations?

A. Because he lost his footing.

Q. What does a Mexican carpet fitter say?

A. Underlay! Underlay!

Q. Why do engineers enjoy fixing steelwork together?

A. Because it's riveting.

Q. In which Star Trek film did the crew of the Enterprise push the limits of flooring material design?

A. The Vinyl Frontier.

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Post a Comment

Thanks John S

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CARTOONS..........Animals

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A man starts a job at the zoo.

The first morning he is told to look after bees in the tropical house which he does

and by next morning they are all dead.

He goes to see the head keeper, the head keeper says

“right, mash the bees and feed them to the tropical fish”,

he does so and when he comes in the next morning all the fish are dead,

so it’s off to see the head keeper again..

“Oh dear” the head keeper says, “these things happen,

take the rest of the bees and the dead tropical fish and feed them to the chimpanzees”,

he does so and the next morning all the chimpanzees are dead…..

Off to see the head keeper yet again and he tells him

“right, take the chimpanzees, the bees and tropical fish and throw the lot to the lion’s”…

.As he is doing this one of the lion’s says to the other

“It must be Friday”

“Why do you say that?” asks his mate

“Look what’s for dinner”

he says with delight

“Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bee

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He has spoken

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Instrumental Hits

Bonus

Sabre Dance....Love Sculpture

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A burgler broke into the home of a prominent local lawyer,

stealing the lawyer's Christmas presents from under the tree.

Scrupulously, he leaves the wife's and children's gifts alone.

As he is escaping from the house,

he has the bad luck to run into a policeman,

who promptly arrests him.

He confesses to what he has done,

but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.

When the policeman asks why, he explains,

"Because the law states that I am entitled to the presents of an attorney."
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A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it

so much that he never parted with it.

He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera...

One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.

On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone!

He retraced all his moves for the day and realised that the last place

he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor.

He raced back across town, but arrived too late.

The body had been removed

and was already being transported to the cemetary in the hearse.

The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket

and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket.

Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket!

It was too late ... the mouse was being buried alive.

Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother

had told him time and time again as a kid...

Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

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There was a baby born in the hospital.

The odd thing about him was his testicles weighed five pounds

and the rest of his body weighed five pounds.
The nurses and doctors didn't know what to do with him.

The chief of staff arrived and asked

"What's wrong?"

The head nurse replied,
''We don't know what to do with this baby boy.'

' The chief looked and said,
"Well it's obvious that you should put him into a mental institution.

Why,'' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon,

the boy is obviously half nuts."



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Important Women's Health Issue

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions,

ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better

and be more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world

that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately

and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome

any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live

.Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past

and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.

However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:Dizziness, nausea, vomiting,

incarceration Erotic lustfulness Loss of motor control Loss of clothing

Loss of money Loss of virginity Table dancing Headache Dehydration Dry mouth

And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering

when you are not..

WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends

over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically

converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

218



Photo Editor



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Osama Bin Laden will do your tax return


thanks John S

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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.
The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says,
“My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”
He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.
She smiles and he takes her picture,
and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks,
“Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims,
“Oh, oh my, let me get a picture.”
He beams and asks why, to which she answers,
“So I can get it enlarged!”

stolen from It occurred to me


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I've heard of 4 wheel drive , but not all foot drive




An Irishman proposed to his girl friend on Saint Patrick’s Day
and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.
He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day,
he picked her a sham rock.

Thanks Duke
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Australian Army Life

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too.

Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm -

tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.

But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed

and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.

No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!

Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad,

coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs

but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.

You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered

because we've been on a 'route march' -

geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter.

I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why.

The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum

and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did

when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!!

You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes,

and ya don't have to steady yourself against

the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys

and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy -

it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza

all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got,

and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -

he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders

and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,

but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army -

tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good i t is


Your loving daughter,
Sheila

Thanks Geoff C

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INSTRUMENTAL HITS

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CARTOONS.............Men

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Beached Waylon

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Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland .

Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple

to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works.

He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police

to investigate him being missing.

They rowed out and found Paddy dead in The punt

beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.

Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper'

Said.........................................

Wait for it!

Wait for it!

Wait for it!

OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

Thanks Denis Mc

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That might stop them knocking on the door at all hours

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Iwas listening to our local Community radio station today and they played this

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel

at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up,

placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

“Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked

.“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied,

and again turned back to his book.

“Do you live around here?” she asked

.“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted.

“Do you like pussycats?”

With that, the man threw his book down,

jumped off his blanket onto hers,

tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man,

“How did you know that was what I wanted?”

The man replied,

“How did you know my name was Katz?

stolen from It occurred to me

Post a Comment

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

217






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Ramblings of a Retired Mind
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.'
I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.
Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
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From a passenger ship,
one can just barely see a bearded man on a small island in the distance
who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that?" a passenger asked a passing steward."
I have no idea.
Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."



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stolen from Isabelle @Izze's Cognitive Reverie

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Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem
can there be greater than this one?"



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Guess what this is

"Foe Foe Fie - Nie Nie Sebin - Foe Sebin Foe Fie"

What do you think it means?

Give up yet?

It's the new phone number at the white house.
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Lincoln and Obama

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois . Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois legislature. Obama served in the Illinois legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer

Post a Comment
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Instrumental Hits

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Cartoons....Doctors

Post a Comment


NO SMOKING

Smoking kills 14.000 people every day

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A suggestion box had been put up,

and two workers decided to drop in suggestions.

Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"

Frank wrote, "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom,

and personal secretaries, and new company cars,

and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks,

and an extra three-weeks holiday each year?"

When Joe saw Frank's suggestion card, he shook his head.

"Frank, that is not the right way of getting things changed around here.

You should never put all of your begs in one ask-it ..."


An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked,

bought a mule to farm his garden.

The mule worked well but was almost totally deaf.

So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!",

the animal often continued plowing.

Asked how the mule was working out,

O'Leary shook his head."There was a time," he said,

"when all the neighbors could hear was me singing my lilting melodies.

Lately, I'm afraid,they've heard nothing but my riled Irish whoa's!"

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Punny toons

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stolen from Sandee @ Comedy Plus
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A man had lost one of his arms in an accident.

One day he felt terribly depressed and decided to commit suicide.

He got into an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along,

whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself.

I still have one good arm to do things with.

There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no arms.

He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms

and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself.

He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm

if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again.

The one armed man asked,

"Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy …. my ass itches."
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Only in California

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Paddy and Murphy stumble out of a pub at about 4:00 in the morning.

They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it

when alongComes a policeman.

Paddy pipes up, "A'scuse me, ossifer, but I wonder

Could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet."

To whichThe policeman replies,

"Of course it has. It's four o'clock in theMornin."

Murphy then weighs in and says,

"Sorry, sir, but I be Wonderin if the last bus to Galway has left yet."

The officer again replies,

"Of course it has! It's four o'clock in the bleedin'Mornin!"

Paddy then starts up again and asks,

"Could you tell mePlease, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet?"

The policeman is Really irritated now so he shouts,

"It's four in the bloody a. M., and all the fookin' buses have gone!"

And with that Paddy turns to his Friend and sa ys,

"Okay, Murphy, we can cross the road now."

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Q. How can you tell if an Irishman found a $10 bill?
A. Smell his breath.

___________

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"Aye, she spoke without interruption for about forty years,"said the Irishman.

________________
Young O'Donnell rushed into a church,

placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional.

"Father," he said breathlessly,

"I've just shot down two British lieutenants!"

Hearing no response he went on:

"I also knocked off a British captain!"

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said,

"Father, have ye fainted?"

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor.

"I'mwaitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commenceconfessin' your sins!"
Post a Comment

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.