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thanks Geoff C
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The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed
how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew
and how they gave back as much as they got.
He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks
and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals
to the sailors coming down the line.
A smile and a cheerful comment,
a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain
stood back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw
so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section.
He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said,
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said,
"Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs,
The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs,
"I told you my talk did them some good."
The sailor said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
With that the cook grinned, leaned over,
The sailor said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
With that the cook grinned, leaned over,
and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
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Are you one of the lucky one's for having a wife of yesteryear?
Are there any still around ?
All those who have sons now, my sympathy.
Those who have daughters, my congratulations.
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Sometime ago my mate Duke sent me this picture
Is this you Duke??
Is this how you pick up the ladies???
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A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee
outside the West Australian immigration office.
' Good man, ' the fairy said, ' I ' ve been sent here by Prime Minister Kevin Rudd
and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the Australia
with your wife and three children.
'The man told the fairy. ' Well, where I come from we don ' t have good teeth,
so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.
'The fairy looked at the man ' s almost toothless grin and -- PING ! --
he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!'
What else? ' asked the fairy, ' two more to go.
'The refugee claimant now got bolder.
' I need a big house with a three car garage in Crawley on the river
with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives
who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here . ... . and -- PING ! --
in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage,
a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the river' One more wish ' , said the fairy, waving her wand.
'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an Australianwith Australian clothes instead
of these torn clothes, and a footbal cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like Australians . . . and -- PING! --
The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Fremantle DockersT-shirt
and a football cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
' What happened to my new teeth? ' he wailed.
' Where is my new house?
'The fairy said
' Tough shit, Mac,
Now that you are a White Australian, you have to fend for yourself. '
EYE TESTER
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An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief.
"Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news."
The Chief asks for the bad news first.
The scout says, "No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today."
Chief asks for the worse news.
Brave says, "Our land is being overrun by white men.
They are coming by the thousands."
Finally the chief asks for the good news.
The brave says, "Chief the white men taste just like buffalo."
Looking Down
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Looking down
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup,
the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
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What did the orange tree's do to deserve this??
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What did the orange tree's do to deserve this??
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee
and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ?.
.the United States Marines ...
You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs"
.In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders;
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running,
but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years)
and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
He was a yacht captain!"
The Safest way to sail
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Here are 10 critical steps toward becoming a true, blue blood boating snob.
If you can qualify under at least 7 of these,
I think you can lay claim to the title.
1. Never be seen on your boat. Let your presumed ownership be a rumor, a speculation,
1. Never be seen on your boat. Let your presumed ownership be a rumor, a speculation,
an enigma whispered back and forth across quiet tables in the best restaurants.
Take the old adage, “A gentleman never sails to weather” to the extreme
and NEVER take the boat out.
The ultimate boat snob makes his boat payment and slip payment and pays his yacht club dues.
2) If you must take your boat out, the only acceptable time is the Annual Parade of Boats.
2) If you must take your boat out, the only acceptable time is the Annual Parade of Boats.
Sorry, the Pirate Parade is for the hoi polloi, not you.
If you participate in the Parade of Boats, your guest list should include
a large cadre of political and social cronies.
If you don’t have such connections of your own, I think they can possibly be rented.
Try your local D or R headquarters.
Another possibility is to get somebody else to take your boat out--a captain or . . .
well, see the caption below.
3) Place free-standing teak furniture around your aft deck.
3) Place free-standing teak furniture around your aft deck.
You know, the teak rockers and teak settees and little teak coffee and end tables.
Nothing says “Big Boat” like patio furniture on your poop deck.
Naturally, your poop deck should be sized to accommodate the furniture
without crowding the string quartet.
4) Yes, the yachty cap. Crisp and new. With the scrambled eggs insignia.
4) Yes, the yachty cap. Crisp and new. With the scrambled eggs insignia.
And the matching blue blazer.
5) Yes, the little dog. Well groomed and yappy.
5) Yes, the little dog. Well groomed and yappy.
Know his pedigree and be able to recite earnestly who his forebears were.
By contrast, you do not need to know your boat’s pedigree.
6) Have live orchids on display and in such a place that if you ever took the boat out,
6) Have live orchids on display and in such a place that if you ever took the boat out,
they would cast orchid mix all over your oriental carpeting.
Nothing says “we never take the boat out” like houseplants.
7) It doesn’t matter what technology you have on your boat,
7) It doesn’t matter what technology you have on your boat,
or even how old it is (because you never take it out anyway),
but you absolutely must have 2 of everything.
Even if it can’t be seen by the casual observer.
It will be whispered about, speculated on, etc.
8) Fly the ensign from a varnished pole on your aft deck.
8) Fly the ensign from a varnished pole on your aft deck.
That’s for the Boat Parade, of course. Replace it the next year.
9) Name your yacht after your wife,
9) Name your yacht after your wife,
but only if such name coincides with British royalty (Dianne, Elizabeth, Katherine).
Consider adding a title before the name: Lady ______, Queen _____, Duchess _____.
But not Ms. _______. Not Ms. Connie, not Ms. Maggie, not Ms B. Havin’.
In fact, stay away from puns altogether.
Stay away from fishing jokes like “Happy Hooker.”
Stay away from fishing entirely. Too loud, too fun, too gauche, not jaded enough.
You may use boat names that sound Italian, but not like pizza.
Unfortunately, “Paparazzi,” truly a gem of a name, is already taken.
10) Finally, always refer to your boat as a “yacht,” as in
10) Finally, always refer to your boat as a “yacht,” as in
“I should have you over to my yacht sometime for cocktails.”
Practice saying this in a mirror.
Saying "yacht" instead of "boat," moves the decimal point on the perceived value of your boat one place to the right.
If you will add the word "private," that decimal point moves another place to the right:
"I'll be spending the weekend on my private yacht."
Similarly, refer to your spouse as "Lovey" (works best if your name is Thurston),
not "First Mate," definitely not "Hey, Babe!"
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The world expert on European wasps was strolling past a record shop.
A sign caught his eye:
"New Album - Wasps of the World!"
The man asked to hear the album and was given headphones.
Three minutes later, he announced,
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make
and yet I recognize none of those."
The clerk offered to play another track.
And another.
And another.
Still, the expert did not hear sounds he recognized.
Suddenly, the clerk realized his mistake.
"I'm really sorry," he said.
"I was playing you the bee side."
A man visiting Scotland one day drove through Fife.
"I was playing you the bee side."
A man visiting Scotland one day drove through Fife.
Feeling hungry, he stopped at a chinese restaurent he was passing.
The food he ate there was by far the tastiest food he had ever eaten,
so when he asked for the bill,
he was astounded to find out that there was no charge.
The waiter simply told him,
"The best Ying's in Fife are free.
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In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream
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In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream
has introduced a new flavor; "Barocky Road".
Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes.
The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usuallydenied as an ingredient.
The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $100.00 per scoop
.When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone,
but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in linebehind you.
Thus you are left with an empty Wallet,
no change,
holding an empty cone,
with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.
Are you feeling stimulated?
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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
Thanx, Phil. Actually, it used to work but as I grow older it takes more drinks & I can't afford it any longer. Now if I could just meet a woman who owns a bar...............
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