229





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Another great Beer ad from Heineken



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Your Honor," she told the judge,
"I want a divorce. Myhusband has been cheating on me.
"That is a serious accusation," the judge said.
"Do you have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?"
"Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway
when I saw him go into a movie with another woman."
"Who was this other woman?" the judge asked.
"I don't know. I never saw her before."
"Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was.
It may have been just a harmless coincidence.
You should have gone in after them."
"I would have," she explained,
"but the fellow I waswith had already seen the picture."

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Two rednecks go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits,
the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation,
one of the rednecks finally catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed.
One guy turns to the other and says,
"Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says,
"Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

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Our gangs bigger than yours!!!

Love your underwear

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now where was I .....????

so I sat down on one of the orderly placed chairs...

all in row ..amongst the fifty or sixty other lost souls....

the smell of spicy food mixed with unclean bodies ...

stale sweat and cheap after shave.

After what seemd to be an eternity,

the voices all toned down into a blurred jumble of languages ....

once or twice I recognised English ..

badly enunciated but recognisable ...

it gave me a kind of re assuring feeling.

Seven foot tall Africans with scarred faces ...

wearing the latest street wise fashions ...

Indians with their mop of black oily hair ....

folks from the Balkan states ....

oozing garlic sweat and chanting loudly about the challenges in front of them.

The greeting on entry from a Chinese young thing was pleasant enough ..

though painfully slow and disinterested in manner.

An hour went by and the angst built ..

the smell almost unbearable ..

the yabber from disgruntled mixed raced punters louder and louder ...

the crying children ...

the look of horror in the faces those who failed ......

finally ..

my number was called ..

and I paid my licence renewal

thanks Joan

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Cartoons.....Animals

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Toe-tally awesome

stolen from nonamedufus

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A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf

with a few Japanese business associates.

Having nothing to do the night before his game,

he decided to solicit the services of a prostitute.

Later, when they were in the throes of passion,

she suddenly screamed out

“Kawasaki!”

Not knowing the translation,

he figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, and so he kept going.

Again she screamed,

“Kawasaki! Kawasaki!”

And again, he smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued.

Finally, she shrieked

“KAWASAKI!”

a third time, jumped out of bed and ran from the room.

“Must have been too good for her!”

he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented with himself.

The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf,

one of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee

right into the cup for a hole-in-one!

Remembering his new word and wanting to impress his associates

with his linguistic proficiency,

the man yelled out

" Kawasaki!”

Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked,

“What do you mean, wrong hole?”
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I love you New Zealand

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A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday.

On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says,

"I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him,

and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says,

"You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays.

You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem?

Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs.

But my father-in-law drinks every weekend,

and then beats on my mother-in-law.

So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure that she's alright.

She puts her head on my shoulder and cries,

one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know,

I'm boinking her."

The boss says,

"You boink your mother-in-law?"

The guy says,

"Hey, I told you I was sick."


stolen from Miss Cellania

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Religion

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A group of one hundred freshmen from McGill University

each contributed 10 bucks to the kitty.

When the money was collected,

they drew lots to see which one would have the night's pleasure of visiting

Montreal's most famous call girl who charges one thousand dollars for a super sex fling.

That night the winner, a love-starved, panting youth named Spencer,

went to her luxurious boudoir and handed her the money.

"That's a huge sum of money for a college boy to have," she told him.

He explained the entire situation to her,

telling her how all the boys had drawn lots to see

who would have the joy of her shapely favors.

She was touched by the story

and remembered her early days when a buck looked plenty big in her purse.

With softening heart she said,

"I'm going to do something that I've never done before.

I'm going to give you back your money."

Then she gave him back his ten dollars.

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

228


How Blogging started




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Bad Day
Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the garbage cans.
A car door slams, some cussing, then the garage door opens, and slams shut.
Suddenly more crashing, clattering and cussing.
Finally John comes into the house with his golf clubs,
almost continuously scowling and cussing.
"What's the matter, dear? Did you have as bad day on the golf course?" asked Mary.
"A rotten day! A ROTTEN DAY! I'll say I did. What a miserable round of golf!
It was the worst ever!
In fact, I only hit two good balls all day!
And the worst of that is, I wouldn't have hit them either...
if I hadn't stepped on that rake in the garage!"
stolen from Hale @ It occurred to me
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Don't you just love this!!!!

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A fellow is walking into a hospital

and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds.

He goes over and says,"Can I help? Have you lost something?"

"No," says one of the doctors.

"We're about to do a heart transplant ona lawyer

and we're looking for a suitable stone."
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Cartoons.....Married life

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"I went to a Christmas party the other night and was having a real blast.

After I'd been there a few hours (and several, several drinks),

I noticed this fabulous blonde standing over to the side.

She was in her early to mid twenties with beautiful long blonde hair down to her waist.

She was built like a brick, well, anyway she was built!

The amazing thing was, she kept staring at me and smiling.

Naturally, being a man, I decided to go try my luck.

Like they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I went over and stuck up a conversation with her

(don't remember about what, but it had to be very interesting).

Well, one thing led to another and she invited me back to her place

and being the gentleman I am, I said "OK."

I'm not going to go into all the details of the night (mainly because I don't remember),

but I awoke the next morning to the aroma of fresh coffee and bacon frying.

I thought now this is great! I think I might have a keeper here.

I got up and got dressed and headed for the kitchen.

When I got there her mom (looked to be in her 80's or 90's) was standing at the stove. Embarrassed, I stammered, "Where's your daughter?"
She slowly turned around with a sly little smile on her face and said,

"I don't have a daughter.

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G'day Jim F ..........Can you translate this please!!!

stolen from Bunk @Tacky Raccoons
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On his way to work, a driver swerved to avoid a box that fell from a truck.

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

But another officer had seen the carton in the road.

The policemen retrieved the box and found that it contained tacks.

"Nonetheless," the first trooper told the driver,

"I have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked why.

The trooper replied,
"Tacks evasion."

Explorer Leif Ericson returned from his voyage to the new world

only to find that his name had been removed from the town register.

He complained at the town meeting, viewing it as a slight.

The town official immediately apologized,

saying he must have taken Leif off his census.

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“Good evening ladies”,

Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

“Do you know them?” Dr. Watson asked.

“No”, Holmes replied, “I’ve never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed.”

“Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?”

“Elementary, my dear Watson.

The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand

and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces.”

“The prostitute”, he continued,

“grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.”

“Amazing!” Watson exclaimed.

“But how did you know the third was a newlywed?”

“Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other.”
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Old Farts Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the
old man passes gas and says, Seven Points
His wife rolls over and says, what in the world was that.
The old man replied, It's Fart Football.
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,
Touchdown, Tie Score.
After about five minutes the old man lets
another one go and says, Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7.
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
Touchdown, Tie Score
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
Field goal, I lead 17 to 14, now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidently craps in bed
The wife says, What the hell was that.?
The old man says, Half time, switch sides.
Thanks Gordon H

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Team work

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

227

ANZAC DAY APRIL 25th 2009

Using letters, diaries and photographs, The Sunday Age recounts events through the eyes of the diggers who battled on amid despair and death. Jonathan King reports.
APRIL.... THE LANDING
The great challenge for the Anzacs on April 25 was to land at Anzac Cove

against formidable opposition from the Turks and then dig in.
We are now within a mile of the shore and the din has increased . . .

the whole side of the mountains seems to be sending forth tongues of flame

and the bullets fairly rain upon us . . .

the water is churned up from rifle fire, machine-guns,

Maxims, shrapnel and common shells . .

seven of the boys in our boat are killed and God knows how many in the others

.Anonymous soldier, the 3rd Brigade
Our boat's bottom scratches the rocky shore . .

we wade ashore with the feeling that we are at least one of the first to put foot on Turkish soil . . . silent forms lay scattered on the beach everywhere:

some gone to their last resting place, some writhing in their last agonies,

others with their life-blood fast oozing out . .

Anonymous soldier
It was a remarkable day and a day in which it was easy to pick out the wasters

also the brave men.

I am delighted with our Australian troops, the way they take the gruel is splendid.

At times there was a shortage of ammunition and reinforcements were badly wanted.

But seeing they had landed everything under shell fire,

I should say they did very well

Private T. J. Richards
MAY..... BURYING THE DEAD
The Anzacs organised a truce with the Turks so they could bury their comrades

who had been killed since the landing.
Had a darn good sleep and got up at about 6am and issued rations to the chaps.

Then the shrapnel began and it hailed around about us

and hit everything around me but myself

We deepened our sleeping place about three feet

but it was not deep enough.

Captain D. B. A. King
Our troops made a successful advance and,

according to the number of injured coming in,

they paid dearly for it. What a pitiful sight they presented.

They had been 20 hours lying all over the place with great gaping wounds.

Some had both legs broken

and the pain they endured coming down the steep sides was almost unendurable.

Lieutenant F. T. Small
The armistice began for the purpose of burying the dead.

The smell is something awful.

Some of the bodies have been lying in the heat of the sun for four weeks

and of course all are unrecognisable.

It is only by identification discs that the corpses are known.

The ground was simply covered with dead between the trenches

and estimates of 12,000 Turks killed have been made.
Amongst this awful mass of dead Turks were some of our boys

who had been killed on the first and second days' fight

and had lain there since.

The bodies were horrible to look at being black and swelled up

stretching out the clothing and, in many cases,

when they were touched, falling to pieces.

William Dexter
JUNE ....ALL QUIET ON THE FRONT LINE
After the difficult landing in April and fighting in May, both sides ceased fighting.
I have established a little prayer meeting in my dug-out on Pope's Hill.

Sometimes we sing a well-known hymn,

Nearer, my God to Thee, and the sound is wonderfully inspiring.

Chaplain E. N. Merrington
We have not had our clothes off for five weeks

and it was most pleasant to strip off and have a dip in the sea.

The weather here is glorious just at present and I am in the best of health.

Private F. W. Muir
The trenches are ridiculously quiet considering war is on

and often perfect quiet prevails to be broken by the pot of a single snipe

or the dismal squeal of a shell.

Lieutenant R. W. McHenry
JULY ......TALK OF MUTINY
The debilitating heat stalled fighting

and there was talk of mutiny among the Australians.
I would not care a rap if 75 per cent of our officers had a wooden cross over their heads.

Half of our duty men are taken up digging most secure dug-outs for officers

or washing shirts for them in half a bucket of water

while other men are almost famished for a drink

By God, if ever I am asked to dig a dug-out for one or wash their shirts

I will be shot at daybreak for refusing to obey an order on active service.

Private J. K. Gammage
The captured Turks who surrendered reckon that we are great shots.

They are full of admiration for our shooting and fighting generally

and admit being terrified

Sergeant C. Bosward
AUGUST ....BATTLE FOR LONE PINE AND THE NEK
Having consolidated their positions and obtained reinforcements,

the British ordered the Australians over the clifftops on a mission impossible

with dire consequences.
One hundred and fifty men of the 8th Light Horsemen jumped out of the trench

but were all mown down within 30 seconds,

sinking to the ground as though their limbs suddenly became string.

They were waiting, ready for us and simply gave us a solid wall of lead.

Sergeant Cliff Pinnock
It was a truly awful sight.

Once more the long procession of wounded, dirty, ragged, torn and bloody men

came down from the Nek to the dressing station

while others lay just 25 yards (23 metres) in front of the trench in the hot sun

not daring to move till night when some of them might be able to crawl slowly back.

Corporal Alec Riley
As we captured Lone Pine we felt like wild beasts

and as fast as our men went down another would take his place

but soon the wounded were piled up three or four deep

and the moans of our poor fellows and also the Turks we tramped on was awful.

Private Tom Billings
SEPTEMBER.... DISEASE STRIKES
With so many soldiers now stationed at Gallipoli,

the poor food supplies and sanitation triggered an outbreak of disease.
In the morning we get a piece of bacon, a pint of tea and hard biscuits,

perhaps a loaf of bread.

For dinner, we have water, tea and sugar, and for tea we have bully beef stew.

Sapper V. Willey
The general health is bad with as many as 50 per cent of the men unfit for duty

and unless relieved there will be, to a certainty, a severe epidemic

of pneumonia, dysentery and enteric fever as the resisting power

to disease is practically nil.

War Diary of the 12th Infantry Brigade
You ought to see the Anzac fleas, millions of them,

and other things that crawl and stick closer than a brother.

My blanket nearly walks by itself.

Captain Bill Knox
OCTOBER ......TRADING TUCKER WITH THE TURKS
The frontline soldiers had been at Gallipoli and inactive for so long

they began chatting to the Turks in the trenches,

often less than 10 metres away.
The more one sees of it, the more one realises the

rottenness and horror of the whole business.

God knows I do want to do my bit and am far from having cold feet,

but any reasonable-minded man must wonder what the outcome will be -

war is not a very pleasant thing, old girl.

Captain Bill Knox
Extraordinary friendly exchanges between the Turks

and our fellows this morning early.

Some of our chaps ran right over to the enemy trenches and

exchanged bully, jam, cigarettes etc.

The whole business was wonderful and proves how madly unnecessary

this part of the war is.

Lieutenant T. E. Cozens
Some graves are very artistically finished,

done in some cases by the brothers of the dead,

others have simply a bottle with a piece of paper with the name inside.

It is very touching.

Anonymous, 20th Battalion
NOVEMBER .....LORD KITCHENER VISITS
As the soldiers had made so little headway,

the British military command had decided to send Minister for War Lord Kitchener

to determine if Gallipoli should be evacuated.
Today (November 13) Lord Kitchener landed here.

All the chaps on the beach gave him a cheer when he stepped ashore.

He addressed a small party of colonials

and told them he had a special message from the King.

He was to thank them all on the King's behalf

and to say he was more than proud of our doings.

F. A. Weeks
We are now down to half-issue water.

Private A. West
Had another storm last night. It was such as I have never seen before,

and hope never to see again.

The wind was something terrible - it was quite impossible to stand up in it.

The trenches are terrible.

Captain Ivor Williams
The first fall of snow fell tonight. We spent a cold, wet and miserable night.

The ground was frozen.

In our supports trenches we have no overhead cover.

Our clothes and blanket wet through.

The snow is a beautiful sight, no doubt.

We are past admiring scenery just now.

We are on half rations, biscuits and cheese.

How we hate the sight of those biscuits.

Private John Henry Turnbull
DECEMBER..... EVACUATION
Although the Anzacs were holding out well,

the British military command evacuated Gallipoli before the bitter winter set in.
We have had a foresight of what it would be to put the winter in here

as we had a torrential downpour of rain recently.

It came down the hills as if a huge dam had been dug away

and simply swamped the trenches.

P. O. Bert Webster
What makes the men growl is seeing immaculately dressed British staff officers

walking about washed and shaved asking silly damned questions.

I am fairly convinced I am becoming a bit of a Socialist.

Captain Bill Knox
Everything points to the early evacuation of the Peninsula.

It will be a thunderbolt to Australia.

There is no doubt this peninsula part of the war has been the greatest failure.

Lieutenant J. G. Cosson
We left in small parties, I had 28 men and left the trenches at 5.15pm.

Each ranks carried two match-head grenades as well as ammunition

and as we marched on to the pier we threw them into the water.

It was a great success and I don't know yet whether the Turks know we have gone.

Lieutenant N. E. McShane
The evacuation from Anzac was not by any means a defeat,

but it became obvious we could do no good there and were getting hell

from the new, bigger Turkish guns,

but we had attempted the impossible at the Dardanelles

and the Turks can make a very good story of their victory.

Captain Bill Knox

Acknowledgments

Gallipoli Diaries: The Anzacs Own Story Day by Day by Jonathan King (Simon & Schuster)

Australian War Memorial, Canberra

Mrs Diana Baillieu, Mrs Mary Burke, Mrs Kate Campbell

This was printed in the Sunday Age a couple of years ago

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Quite a few of my readers rang me and commented on this video

For those , here it is again





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ANZAC DAY IS FAST APPROACHING.....
This is a poignant reminder that we do have Australians serving in different parts of the world.....

Mowing the grass
I hope the picture will go through for you
- of this Australian Digger in Afghanistan with his tiny "plot" of grass in front of his tent.
It's heartwarming!
Here is a soldier stationed in Afghanistan; posted to a big sand box.
He asked his wife to send him dirt (Australian soil), fertilizer,
and some grass seed so that he can smell the grass, and feel it grow beneath his feet.
When the men of the squadron have a mission that they are going on,
they take turns walking through the grass in Australian soil - to bring them good luck.
If you notice, he is even cutting the grass with a pair of a scissors.
Sometimes we are in such a hurry that we don't stop
and think about the little things that we take for granted.



thanks Jane
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