Phils Phun

230

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering,

finally manages to say,

"Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician.

"They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick!

You take some pills, and your problems are history."

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly.

"I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician.

"What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man.

"I haven't been home yet."

stolen from Hale @ It occurred to me

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Swine Flu or H1N1 [as it is now called]

new mexican bill

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There once was an proud Irishman named Pat,

who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"

Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman,

born on St. Patrick's Day,died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."

St. Peter said to Pat:

"Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in

and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play

'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven."

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button,

and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around.

But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1

with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden,

a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him.

And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music.

Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway

and charges back to the Pearly Gates.

He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman.

I was bornon St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching'

in the St.Patrick's Day parade.

I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny,insignificant little green cloud

and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.'

But, there's a Jew over there.

He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud

and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music

and I, Pat theIrishman, want to know why!"

St. Peter stands up from his desk.

He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer.

Then he says:

"Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"

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Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications.

He reasons that once he finds work,

he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.

After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History,

he is called back to meet the sales manager.

"You say you have experience selling books?"

"Lots of it," replies Jim

."And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?"

"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."

"Well then," says the sales manager,

"As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm."

While the sales manager is making a few notations,

Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle.

Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.

Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says,

"Fine looking men. Your partners?"

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Another Window Cleaner

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Cartoons......Kids

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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.

Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government

doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help

.Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

G-d Bless British generosity.

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Maths teaching in the UK

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.

His cost of production is £800.

Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.

His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.

Your assignment: Underline the number 200.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate

and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of £200.

What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:

How did the birds and squirrels! ! feel as the logger cut down their homes?

(There are no wrong answers. If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)

6. Teaching Maths 2018

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

Thanks Jammo

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Guard Dog

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For my Wife

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The "F" word
Correct use of the "F" word .

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has

been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877

8 "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938

7 "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926

6 "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5 "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566

4 "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3 "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC

2 "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

1 "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."

-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

thanks Gordon H

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Dreamer

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A little old lady is sitting in the violin section,

fumbling for notes in a difficult key signature.

After a few minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head

with his music stand, and the poor old dear dies instantly.
Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 poundsof bananas,

which he devours.

They strap him into the chair, flip theswitch, and he just sits there, smiling.

According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.
Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily conducting the orchestra

when the bassoon player goes sharp.

Enraged, he lunges out with his baton, skewering the offender's neck and killing him.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row.
He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water,

he tries everything - but the conductor won't die.

So again, he is set free.
Amazingly he regains his job.

It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a trombonist.

He returns to death row, eats the bananas,and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more -

his professional pride has been hurt.

Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret -

"What is it with the bananas?"
"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend,
"I'm just a very bad conductor."

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