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Sometime during tomorrow this simple little blog will pass 100,000 hits




Thanks to all my readers



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thanks Liz Z
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A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete
the woman thanks the judge and says,
“Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.”
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony
required under the Jewish religion in order to
receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says, “You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?” (Circumcision)
She replies,
“Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!”

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Youngsters


Seniors

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The Genius that is Charlie Chaplin

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Wuzzle

Answers at bottom of post

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Two WoodPeckers
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico

arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge

and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker

to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeckable’

(a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence

that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker

successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree,

and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree,

yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering,

they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently,

Your Pecker Gets Harder When You’re Away From Home.

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Our very own

Judith Durham

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Mary had a little lamb

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It was at a party and the host was getting worried

because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.
She was sure that not all of these people had been invited

but didn’t know how to tell which ones were the crashers.

Then her husband got an idea….
He turned to the crowd of guests and said

“Will everyone from the bride’s side of the family stand up please?”

About twenty people stood.
Then he asked “Will everyone from the groom’s side of the family stand up as well?”

About twenty five people stood up.
Then he smiled and said,

‘Will everyone who stood please leave.

This is a birthday party.

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From the film "New Orleans" directed by Arthur Lubin in 1947

Louis Armstrong and Billie Holiday

Farewell to Storyville


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A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.

When the son returned, he said,

“Papa, I had a great time in Israel .

“By the way, I converted to Christianity.”
“Oy vey,” said the father. “What have I done?”
He took his problem to his best friend.

“Ike,” he said, “I sent my son to Israel ,

and he came home a Christian. What can I do?”
“Funny you should ask,” said Ike.

“I too, sent my son to Israel , and he also came home a Christian.

Perhaps we should go see the rabbi.”
So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.

“Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi.

“I, too, sent my son to Israel , and he also came home a Christian.

What is happening to our young people?”
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.

As they finished their prayer,

a voice came from the heavens:
“Funny you should ask,” said the voice.

“I, too, sent my son to Israel …”

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John Williamson



It's just a modern world we live in,

but why do they pick on me

Why just the other week my missus had the cheek to talk me into a va-sec-tom-y

At first it never clicked that I was gettin' nicked,

I thought it was to test verility

Than after I went through it, ten days we couldn't do it

and then the doctor said to me I couldn't believe it folks -

He said please blow into this bag, please sir

What? - to test your capability

I beg your pardon? -

we're cutting down on accidents

I said are you fair dinkum -

He said please blow into this bag and we'll see

Well - I couldn't believe it at first

but you know what they say about doctors orders

So he gave me the little bag and ushered me into the little room with all the pin-ups

Grubby little room it was, too,

and I came back with my little bag

And the doctor was quite satisfied,

and so was I

It's just a modern world we live in,

there's knew fangled things every day

The cop said I was speedin', accordin' to his readin'

But I was three kilometers away

I was feelin' pretty mad when he took out his pad,

I tried to stay as calm as I could be

He found a bawldy tread,

he saw my eyes were red

And then he said this strange thing to me -

I said what again?

He said please blow into this bag, please sir

I said hang on -

to test your capability

What? -

we're cutting down on accidents

I said are you fair dinkum -

He said please blow into this bag and we'll see

Well this time I really was shaken up,

the cop could see I was a bit excited

He said well you better take a good grip on yourself son

So I went around behind a big gum tree

and came back with my little bag

Well you can imagine what happened

It's just a modern world we live in,

I'm feelin' very sad and pale

The judge said I was sick and threw me in the nick

And missus said she wouldn't pay the bail

So take it from a fool like me,

beware of quacks and boys in blue

I'm feelin' pretty bruised

so don't you get confused

I'd catch a train if I was you-ou

All together now - please blow into this bag, please sir

Ahh, It sends a shiver down my spine

Please blow into this bag, please sir

If the women don't get you, it's the wine

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Neck Exercise while you sit at your computer

thanks Liz Z

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Golf

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up.

You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term ‘mulligan’ is really a contraction of the phrase ‘maul it again.’
A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers …neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf’s a hard game to figure.

One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.

The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
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A golfer who lost his ball fumed at his young caddy.

He snapped, "Why didn't you watch where it went?"

The lad replied, "Well sir, it usually doesn't go any-where,

so it took me by surprise."

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Can you Quit?

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Mouldy old Dough


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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Two of the greatest qualities one can have in life are:
Patience and Wisdom
(and sometimes they're the same thing!)

thanks Liz Z

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Wuzzle answers
1. Cry all the way to the bank

2. The stakes are high

3. That's too bad

4. Eyes in the back of my head

5. Miniskirt

6. All in All


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Life is a game but it’s not fair and I break the rules so I dont care…
For every woman with a curve there are several men with angles.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?
Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.
We child-proofed our home three years ago and they’re still getting in!
Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
I wonder who coined the term, “coined the term.”
Shouldn’t the cosmic stupidity hopper be empty by now?
To borrow from our British friends:Bollocks!
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble,

then you chip away everything that doesn’t look like an elephant.
If I get male pattern baldness, I’d like zig-zags please.

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.