300


--------------------------
$5.37.
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes
and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the kid a five-spot,
I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing
anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to
and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied.
I am 48,
not even 50 yet a mere child!
Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering
what was wrong with Emo
. Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?
I'll show him,
I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside.
I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now? I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus.
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard
. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba,
I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it,
deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned,
and I reached to grab my burrito,
only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was,
"Did I leave my food and drink in here?"
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Emo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up
and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words
: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40.
Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer,
I'm not too old to be driving this fast
. As I walked in the front door,
my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.



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Those funny Animals

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Change



stolen from Slavenka and Obi

---------------------------------------------
Mounties face cutbacks!!

Tattoo Supply Shop -

CanadaCaller: "Yeah, I bought this tattoo kit from you guys the other day,

and there's stuff missing from it."

Me: "Stuff missing? Like what?"

Caller: "Well, for starters, there's no book with it...

and I don't know how to assemble it."

Me: "Book? What book? We don't have books.

We just sell tattoo inks, needles, machines... and assembly?

Is there something not assembled in your kit?"

Caller: "Yeah, it's all in pieces... it's a piece of crap!"

Me: "Pieces? Did it get damaged during shipment to you?"

Caller: "No, it's just a bunch of pieces. There's a power supply, foot pedal,

a couple of tattoo machines..

. but I gotta put it together myself. That's bulls***!

I don't know what I'm doing!

You guys should have assembled everything for me before shipping."

Me: "You want us to assemble your tattoo shop for you?

Wait a sec... did you say you don't know what you're doing?"

Caller: "That's right. I've never tattooed before.

That's why I thought there'd be a book with the kit."

Me: "You mean like, step one, put a picture on the skin,

step 2 dip the needle in ink, step 3 tattoo the ink into the skin?"

Caller: "Yeah, that's it! Why didn't you guys give me

that kinda book when I bought the kit!?"

Me: "So how are you expecting to learn to tattoo?

Are you not doing a tattoo apprenticeship at a real tattoo shop,

where they teach you to do this sort of thing?"

Caller: "Nah... I just figured I'd start off tattooing my wife until I can figure it out..."



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LOL



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One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy

and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed.

After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.

Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside

and began standing on each others shoulders

beneath Snow White's bedroom window.

Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top

and as he was the only one who could see in the window

it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing

.After a minute or two he hollered down,

"She's taking off her blouse!"

and this was echoed down the stack

"taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off,"

"taking off her blouse," etc

.Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt,"

which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt,"

"skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc

.Of course the next line from Grumpy was,

"She's taking off her bra!"

and the echo chorus went down the line.

Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower

.Finally, Grumpy looked around

and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods,

so he yelled, "Someone's coming!"

And from the next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard,

"Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too.

-----------------------------------------------
Thank you Susan Boyle

Since singer Susan Boyle (who professes being a virgin)

has been on TV,

there’s been a marked drop in suicide bombings.

Apparently many of the terrorists didn’t realize what a virgin looked like.


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Love Seat
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked."Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.""You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested."Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

-------------------
Honest Abe
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?""Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.""But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep."That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Above two jokes stolen from it occurred to me

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Indians

---------------------------------------------

Requests


for Ian and Grace C


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A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit,

eventhough he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block

and passed the same spot,driving even more slowly,

but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny,

so he drove even slower as he passed the area again,

but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed

as he rolled past,this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later,

he got five tickets in the mail for driving without aseat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing

whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "

I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted."

I hardly think so!" responded the lady.

"When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years,

she can keep it forever."

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click to enlarge

--------------------------------

AWESOME


-stolen from Miss Cellania

-------------------------------------------


PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

299





Wayne W sent me this which I have posted before but thought its worth a re-run

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"
or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level
was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards"
They don't have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the frontline
in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday
that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory,
effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing."
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides.
" The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual,
and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms
so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes,
on all of their allies, just in case.
Meanwhile..
. New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!"
. Due to continuing defense cutbacks
(the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes
and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath),
New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is
"Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
In the event of invasion,
New Zealanders will be asked to gather together
in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from
"No Worries" to "She'll be right, mate".
Three more escalation levels remain, 'Crikey!'
, "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"
and "The Barbie is cancelled".
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

===================================

Post Turtle

While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Aussie farmer,
who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle,
the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Prime Minister Kevin Rudd
and his role as our Prime Minister.
The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Rudd is a 'Post Turtle''. .
Not being familiar with the term,
the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road
and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
'You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he's up there
, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bugger put him up there to begin with.
-----------------------------------------------------


My mateJim Pivec who lives in West Olympia, Seattle has sent me the following story:

Thought you would enjoy this article that appeared in the Olympian newspaper today.

Eating Down Under
By ROSEMARY PONNEKANTI; Staff writer

The smell hooks you in.
A fresh, golden buttery pastry aroma,
with a gurgling undercurrent of thickly gravied meat,
laced with sharp ketchup.
But for goodness sake, call it tomato sauce - especially if there are Aussies around.
What you're smelling is a meat pie,
that Australian food, and if you look hard enough, you'll find them -
and other edible Aussie delights -
right here in the South Sound, just in time for Australia Day on Jan. 26.
“I come here every time I need a fix,” says Glenn Wallace,
chomping down on a steak-and-onion pie,
with a Bundaberg ginger beer poised in hand.
Originally from Australia’s Gold Coast, Wallace travels regularly from Bellevue
to the Australian Pie Shop in Burien,
which also supplies restaurants such as Le Bistro cafe in Gig Harbor.
He also goes for the lamingtons, sponge cake cubes dipped in chocolate
and coconut that were invented,
so they say, by state governor’s wife Lady Lamington 100 years ago,
for sudden guests when there’s only stale cake in the pantry.
“My mum says these are the best lamingtons she’s ever tasted,
even in Australia,” says Wallace.
Thanks Jim

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Correction
A couple of posts ago I mistakenly called these football babies
when in fact they are wearing Canadian Hockey shirts

Anyway David T sent me this
Q..How do you know when its springtime in Toronto?
A.. The Leafs are out!!!

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Just for my Canadian Friends

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BONANZA


Actor Pernell Roberts, known to millions as Adam Cartwright
in TV western series Bonanza
(a role he played from 1959 to 1965)
, has died, last sunday, at the age of 81.
Roberts initially found fame alongside Lorne Greene, Michael Landon
and Dan Blocker as the oldest of Bonanza's three Nevada rancher siblings.
The first episode of Bonanza aired on September 12, 1959.
The show was hardly an instant success.
For its first two seasons, Bonanza struggled in the ratings,
kept on the air mainly because it was filmed in color
. Color TV was a new phenomena at that time.
The ruggedly handsome actor with the rich baritone voice
shocked Hollywood when he left Bonanza at the height of its popularity
, and appeared mainly in stage musicals and guest-starring on TV shows.

--------------------------------------------------

Old man dog
An old man had a dog he just loved
but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved,
including people.
His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggression
and quit this behavior.
So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room
when the mailman came up the steps.
The dog jumped up and went right through the screen door
and attacked the mailman.
The old man ran out and pulled his dog off
and began apologizing to the mailman.
He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say.
My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed.
I just don't know what to do."
The mailman picked himself up and said,
"You should have had his teeth pulled,
I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."


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A group of 40 years old buddies discuss where they should go for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet
at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant
because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again
and once again they discuss where they should meet
. Finally it is agreed that they should meet
at the Gausthof zum Lowen
because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again
and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet
at the Gausthof zum Lowen
because they can eat there in peace and quiet
and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again
and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at
the Gausthof zum Lowen
because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible
and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again
and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at
the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.
Thanks Don H

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StarBucks Dubai

Thanks Liz Z
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Those Funny Animals

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Once upon a time, there were two lumberjacks, named Smith andDo-Dah.

These two lumberjacks became best friends, doing everythingtogether.

They ate together (while working, of course), workedtogether,

played together and even got married on the same day

.Every day, after saying goodbye to their wives,

they would headfor the woods to cut down trees.

After a while, they developed a routine way of doing things.

Smith would climb up into the tree,

and cut the top part off, called"topping the tree".

Then when he had climbed down, Do-Dah would cutdown the tree itself.

They did this routine for over thirty years.

As the years went by,Do-Dah started to lose his hearing

.One day, Smith topped off the tree and yelled "Timber!"

to let hisfriend know the top part was coming down.

Do-Dah didn't hear him andthe falling tree top landed on him.

Seeing that his friend was caught under the tree top,

Smith rusheddown the tree crying

"Do-Dah! Do-Dah! My friend! Are you all right?"

But it was too late.

His friend was dead

.After sitting and crying for a while,

Smith decided he needed to goand tell Do-Dah's wife that her husband was dead

. As he walked thruthe woods, towards her house, he kept thinking, over and over

, "Whatam I gonna tell this poor woman?

How do I tell her that her husbandis dead???"

Before he knew it, he was standing outside her door,

and stilldidn't know how to tell her.

Just then, the door opened. It was Mrs. Do-Dah, leaving to goshopping

.She was surprised to see Smith standing there, and asked,

"Why,hello Mr. Smith. What can I do for you today??

"Smith was speechless and just stood there and looked at her

.Finally, from somewhere deep inside him,

Smith began to sing

."Guess who died in the woods today...Do-Dah, Do-Dah."

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Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power

and was forced to make an emergency landing.

Luckily there was a small cottage nearby.

The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door

. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds.

"No," she finally said, pointing down the road,

"but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."
Thanks Duke

-----------------------------------

--Thanks Liz Z

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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex,

Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

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Mark Twain said it best...

"The human race has only one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

The moment it arises, all your irritations and resentments slip away

and the sunny spirit takes their place.

"Watch this little 3 minute movie.

Just relax, sit back and give yourself a treat.

It'll make your day!

You'll appreciate a little "shot of inspiration."

Just click here to watch

---------------------------------------------------------


PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All jokes, cartoons, pictures and videos on this site are deemed to be in the Public Domain.

If you own the copyright to aby of them and wish me to remove them, contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au

298

Today is Australia Day

Here are a couple of Aussie video's for your enjoyment

I' m off to have a couple of coldies

Phil

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