collection of things,sayings,jokes,pictures and things that amuse me and music that appeals to me
Sunday, January 31, 2010
300
-------------------------- $5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount." I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo . Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard . A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words : "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time." All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast . As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky. The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Love Seat An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked."Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.""You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested."Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
------------------- Honest Abe An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?""Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.""But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep."That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Above two jokes stolen from it occurred to me
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Indians
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Requests
for Ian and Grace C
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A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit,
eventhough he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block
and passed the same spot,driving even more slowly,
but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny,
so he drove even slower as he passed the area again,
but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed
as he rolled past,this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later,
he got five tickets in the mail for driving without aseat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing
whether men or women were more trustworthy.
"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "
I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted."
I hardly think so!" responded the lady.
"When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years,
she can keep it forever."
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click to enlarge
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AWESOME
-stolen from Miss Cellania
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PHILS PHILOSOPHY
Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
299
Wayne W sent me this which I have posted before but thought its worth a re-run
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides. " The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case. Meanwhile.. . New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" . Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, 'Crikey!' , "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Post Turtle While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Aussie farmer, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and his role as our Prime Minister. The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Rudd is a 'Post Turtle''. . Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there , and you just wonder what kind of dumb bugger put him up there to begin with. -----------------------------------------------------
My mateJim Pivec who lives in West Olympia, Seattle has sent me the following story:
Thought you would enjoy this article that appeared in the Olympian newspaper today.
Eating Down Under By ROSEMARY PONNEKANTI; Staff writer The smell hooks you in. A fresh, golden buttery pastry aroma, with a gurgling undercurrent of thickly gravied meat, laced with sharp ketchup. But for goodness sake, call it tomato sauce - especially if there are Aussies around. What you're smelling is a meat pie, that Australian food, and if you look hard enough, you'll find them - and other edible Aussie delights - right here in the South Sound, just in time for Australia Day on Jan. 26. “I come here every time I need a fix,” says Glenn Wallace, chomping down on a steak-and-onion pie, with a Bundaberg ginger beer poised in hand. Originally from Australia’s Gold Coast, Wallace travels regularly from Bellevue to the Australian Pie Shop in Burien, which also supplies restaurants such as Le Bistro cafe in Gig Harbor. He also goes for the lamingtons, sponge cake cubes dipped in chocolate and coconut that were invented, so they say, by state governor’s wife Lady Lamington 100 years ago, for sudden guests when there’s only stale cake in the pantry. “My mum says these are the best lamingtons she’s ever tasted, even in Australia,” says Wallace. Thanks Jim
Correction A couple of posts ago I mistakenly called these football babies when in fact they are wearing Canadian Hockey shirts Anyway David T sent me this Q..How do you know when its springtime in Toronto? A.. The Leafs are out!!!
Actor Pernell Roberts, known to millions as Adam Cartwright in TV western series Bonanza (a role he played from 1959 to 1965) , has died, last sunday, at the age of 81. Roberts initially found fame alongside Lorne Greene, Michael Landon and Dan Blocker as the oldest of Bonanza's three Nevada rancher siblings. The first episode of Bonanza aired on September 12, 1959. The show was hardly an instant success. For its first two seasons, Bonanza struggled in the ratings, kept on the air mainly because it was filmed in color . Color TV was a new phenomena at that time. The ruggedly handsome actor with the rich baritone voice shocked Hollywood when he left Bonanza at the height of its popularity , and appeared mainly in stage musicals and guest-starring on TV shows.
Old man dog An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved, including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggression and quit this behavior. So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right through the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman. He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do." The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss where they should go for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts. 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet . Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before. Thanks Don H
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StarBucks Dubai Thanks Liz Z --------------------------------------------
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