91

Back in the city after a few days away
2008 is just around the corner
May it be all you hope for

Funny Man Jim Carrey with some of his zany humour for New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR .......in English!

koll sana w enta taeb....in Arabic!

FELIÇ ANY NOU......in Catalan!

Xin Nian Kuai Le....in Chinese !

Felican Novan Jaron....in Esparanto!

Bonne Annee....in French!

Bo Nadal e Feliz Aninovo....in Galician!

Prosit Neujahr....in German!

Kenourios Chronos...in Greek!

Boldog Ooy Ayvet...in Hungarian!

Selamat Tahun Baru....in Indonesian!

Felice anno nuovo....in Italian!

Akimashite Omedetto Gozaimasu....in Japanese!

Saleh now ra tabrik migouyam...in Persian !

Szczesliwego Nowego Roku...in Polish !

Feliz Ano Novo.....in Portugese!

AN NOU FERICIT.....in Romanian !

S Novim Godom....in Russian! Feliz Ano ~Nuevo.....in Spanish!

GOTT NYTT ÅR! /Gott nytt år!.....in Swedish !

Naya Saal Mubbarak Ho....in Urdu!

Any others??

SOME GOLDEN OLDIES

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. 'Phone answering machine message - " . . . If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. "'Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down". "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. A man goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Now don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go to those places anymore"


Cartoons

A young gay man named Howard telephones his mother.

"Mum, I've decided to go back into the closet.

I've met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married.

What do you think of this news?

You'll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to you."

She responds, "I'm very glad, Howard.

I suppose it would be too much to hope that she's a Jewish girl?"

Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish, mum,

but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."

"So what's her name?"

"Monica Lewinsky".

There is a pause, then his mother asks,

"What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

Pun-tificating
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. [That's a story that lens itself.]

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

His parents thought he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Round three

This video of Roy Orbison is for all those fans out there[like Ray Stewart]

Roy Orbison...I can't stop loving you



Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for? Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the

"Honorable" in front of your name.

Not a damn thing.

----------

A man is waiting in the doctor's office.

A casual aquaintance walks in and sits down next to him, and asks,

"W-w-w what are y-y-y you d-d-d doing here?"

The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W-w-why d-d do y-y-you w-w-want to s-s-s-see him?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."

"A p-p-prostate p-p-problem? W-w-what's th-th-that?"

"I pee like you talk."

Cartoon of the Week

New-year.in





For all those Docker supporters out there

Gaze into this purple illusion and strange things might enter your mind!!!

[the Dockers are local Football team whose colours are predominatly purple]

And I think to myself

Its a wonderful World

New-year.in




Eye Test For Senior Men

Please read the bottom line

FRENCH CULTURE

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.

A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included

admirals in both the US and the French navies.

At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that

included an admiral from each of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.

He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences

rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.

"Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."

--------

INNER STRENGTH

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!


Funny Signs
Oxymoron

Flunked again

Clever business signs

At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a Plumbing Company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

---------

Am going to end the year with three songs from my No 1 Female singer

Judith Durham

As Aussie's we should be very proud our Judith [and the Seekers]

A very talented singer with the voice of an angel

Speak to the Sky

Keep a dream in your Pocket

Time and Again

90
Posting a day early again, as am off to Jurien Bay again to work for a few days
Christmas 2007 has come and gone
Record breaking temperatures here in the West, the past two days with the mercury
rising to over 40 degrees Celsius.. [44 today]
Bloody hot... Air conditioner is working overtime

Funny Video

Warning..may offend some

Todays Cartoons

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

"Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied.

"Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him,

"Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen.

He returned in a few minutes and said,

"No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said,

"I cannot believe there are no Jews in China.

Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again

."I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.

"We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews,

but we have no Chinese Jews."




Mummy Spider and babies

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather

settled down for a day's sunbathing.

He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief.

He could hardly stand the pain.

He decided to go to the doctor for treatment.

The doctor looked at his lobster-coloured legs and shook his head.

"You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility," he explained.

"I've really got nothing at all to help you.

However, try taking this just before bedtime..."

The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.

Puzzled, the man asked,

"I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"

"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied,

"but it will keep the sheets off your legs."

-------

The woman knelt in the confessional and said,

"Bless me, father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.

Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at her and said,

"My dear, I have good news.

That isn't a sin--it's only a mistake."

Nothing is safe...not even on Mars

Try telling this one after a few drinks........

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?

A winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?

A bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?

A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?

A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?

A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?

Talented

-------

This is an incredible story.

Read to the end to see the photos.

A bear was walking across the " Rainbow Bridge" in Truckee California,

on the I-80,California /Nevada State line,

when two cars also crossed the bridge from both directions.

The bear was so scared, with no place to run, made a leap over the side of the bridge.

The motorists stopped their cars in horror of what just happened

and ran to the edge to see how badly the bear was injured.

To their amazement, they saw that bear had somehow grasped the lower ledge

of the bridge support as it fell and pulled itself b ack up.

The authorities were notified that night and after making an assessment,

they decided there was nothing that could be done until the following morning.

Authorities returned at day break to find the bear sleeping on the led ge of the bridge support.

A large, construction style,safety net was hung under the bridge

and the bear was shot with a tranquildart then safely lowered to the ground below.

The first line sounds like the opening of a bad joke but here are the pictures...

[Thanks to Peter Pelham for this]



What a Wonderful World

Punctuation is very important
Dear John:I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours? Gloria

Dear John:I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria

Yet, the only difference is the punctuation.

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked,

"Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences,

and branding cattle, so I guess I am.

"She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.

When I shower, I think about women.

As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women.

Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old Cowboy and asked,

"Are you a real Cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was,

but I just found out I'm a lesbian"

------------

Female urologist

There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US.

But now a few women have entered the field.

A man goes to a female urologist for an exam.

The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today,

but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees,

then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy obeys and says, "99!!!"

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side, bend your knees and again,

while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."

Again, the guy says, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand

and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your "unit."

Now take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy says, "One..two...three..."

Today's Music

Something to brighten your holidays

Boney M ....Hooray Hooray Its a Holly Holiday!

and Debbie Harry from 1979

Blondie...Heart of Glass

89
Christmas 2007 is almost upon us
Father Christmas wishes you and your family all the best for the festive season

Seen leaving the Foster Carers annual childrens party

Thats Dave on his Harley-Davison

[picture courtesy of Colin Devlin..thanks Col]

Silent Night...Enya

Jingle Bells.....Cool

OOMSA.com - video powered by Metacafe

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco.

The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus

was missing from among the figures of the nativity set.

Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon,

and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said,

"Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas

I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon

for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

---

Some Christmas Cartoons

If you are one of those who leave your shopping until the last minute

Beware

Gifts

Some bizzare Christmas gift ideas

For the man who is into toys

I reckon I should buy about 100 of these and distribute them

Novel gift for the wife

Novel gift for the man

Now, I won't dob in the person that sent me this Christmas list

However, I might print it out and hang it on the fridge

Train Snow Plough

Two sea monsters were swimming around the ocean,

looking for somethingto do.

They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes.

Bob,the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over

and ate everything on the ship

.A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes.

Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything on board.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes

and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him,

"Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

Bob replied,"I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start.

Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering

of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State.

She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every

Native American's present standard of living,

should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator,

how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan,

she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas

for helping her "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of her speech,

the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name -

Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade,

waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come

to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given

to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

------


Concentrate...

How many circles can you see?

There are quite a few

Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 yearsago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it", he tells his wife.

"I'm giving up golf. Myeye sight has got so bad...

once I've hit the ball, I can'tsee where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cup of tea.

As they sit down she says,

"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".

"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife,

"but his eyesight is perfect"

.So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course withhis brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down thefairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law.

"Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur

."I can't remember".
[thanks to Robert Doohan]

Cartoon of the Week

Mural

You have to look at this and once you have the mural open on your screen -

click on any square and see the detail open before your eyes -

WOW

Have a look at this phenomenal work done on a mural in Cochrane Alberta.

Cochrane is a nice western style country town about 14 kilometers north west of Calgary.

Due to the heavy influx of people moving to Alberta (about 3000 per month)

Calgary has become overcrowded and housing is at a premium.

As a result more people are finding homes outside the city in nearby towns and communities. Cochrane is one of these communities

that has become of late a residential community for many people with working jobs in Calgary. This tile mural is a recent artistic project completed in their town.

It is an amazing piece of work.....if you look at each tile individually....

you can see how extremely different they all are.....

yet someone was able to assemble all the tiles together to form one large mural

This mural was unveiled recently at the Cochrane Ranche House.

Each tile is 1 foot square, is it's own individual picture and each is by a different artist.

All of them together form this huge mural.

You can click on each of the tiles to see them in detail. Check out the horse's eye.

Click here: Town of Cochrane Mural Mosaic
[thanks to Geoff Collins for this link]


For the Golfers out there

Its now easier to get a hole in one

Should be just nice for Robert Pearce

Lawyers!!

A LAST WISH

An elderly spinster called a lawyer's office and told the receptionist

she wanted to see a lawyer about having a will prepared

. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time

for the spinster to come into the office.

The spinster replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone,

and I don't like to go out.

Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and

he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was,

"Would you please tell me what you have in assets

and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?

"She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,

I have $100,000 in my savings account at the bank."

The lawyer asked, "How would you like the $100,000 distributed?"

The spinster said, "As I have told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people hardly noticed me,

so I'd like to spend $95,000 on my funeral.

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $95,000 you will be able to have a funeral

that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression!

But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life

and in fact I've never slept with a man.

Before I die, I'd like to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said,

"but I'll see what I can do and get back with you."

That evening the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster

and her weird request.

After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000,

and with a bit of coaxing,

she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

The next morning she drove him to the spinster's house

and waited while he went into the house.

She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out.

So she blew the car horn.

Shortly the upstairs bedroom window opened,

the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled,

"Pick me up in a couple of days!

She's going to let the County bury her!"

---

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?

A: Your honor.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

A: His partners.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?

A: Not enough cement.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

A: Chelsea Clinton

Q: How does an attorney sleep?

A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.

Q: What's the difference between a shame and a pity?

A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that's known as a pity.

If there were any empty seats, that's a shame.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?

A: Just say, "Fees!"

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

---

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night,

when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil said to the lawyer,

“I have a proposition for you.

You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.

Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you,

and you will make embarrassing sums of money.

All I want in exchange is your soul,

your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents,

and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.”
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
“So, what’s the catch?”
---------

The truth is out

The last of the Xmas Cartoons

Mexico Drops Out Of Olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico

will not participate in the next Summer Olympics .

He said that,

"Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."



Think about it!!!!!

Music video for today

Tommy and Phil Emannuel

If you think you can play the guitar

Then ,watch and learn

Here they are playing an Irish and Scottish medley

[Thanks to Fred Rea for this]

Santa and Friend on Wednesday

Thanks to my good friend Arthur Manser for this delightful picture