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On a recent trip to the United States,
Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia,
addressed a major gathering of Red Indians.
She spoke for almost an hour on her plans
for Carbon Trading Tax for Australia.
At the conclusion of her speech,
the crowd presented her with a plaque
inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed Ms Gillard then departed in her motorcade,
waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked one of the Indians
how they came to select the new name given to Ms Gillard.
They explained that Walking Eagle
is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.
thanks Glynis G
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Yes Minister
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Limerick.
There once was a liberal named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner
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The difference between white collar crime and blue collar crime
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An Israeli TV commercial for the soft drink Sprite has gone viral, mainly in Asia.
Millions of viewers in China and other Asian countries have gone wild over the ad,
which pokes fun at an unnamed dictator and his followers.
thanks Toni
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The Pacific ocean
thanks Liz Z
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A lovely Australian Poem.
It has something for everyone - If you know the bush, it will appeal
to you, if you work in the oil industry, there is something in it for you
too, if you have a sense of humour - well, it might test it a little and if
you are not an Australian, then it won't help your knowledge of Australian
life one bit.......................
Goodbye Granddad
Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,
The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor old Granddad did his dash--
Well, he always used to hold his breath, Until he heard the splash!!
thanks Glynis G
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SPECIAL REQUEST
Australian Singer Julie Anthony sends best wishes to her no 1 fan in Western Australia
David B who resides in the wheatbelt town of Corrigin
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Those Funny Animals
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thanks Toni
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Some cute Animal pictures
thanks Kitty L
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Freedom is very overated
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After being married for thirty years,
a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly, then he responded,
"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She inquired, "Exactly WHAT does that mean?"
His reply:
"A equals Adorable,
B equals Beautiful,
C equals Cute,
D equals Delightful,
E equals Elegant,
F equals Foxy,
G equals Gorgeous,
H equals Hot."
She smiled at him happily, and then she said,
"Oh, that's so lovely! But what about the I, J, K?"
"I'm Just Kidding!" he answered.
His eye is still swollen....but it will get better in the 21st century!
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thanks Kitty L
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TODAY'S MUSIC
PATSY CLINE
no autotone
no wardrobe malfunction
no stupid hairdo
no dress made of meat
just voice and soul
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This is great to work on hand/eye coordination.
Move your cursor numerically over the numbers starting with 1
then 2, etc. and see how fast you can get through 33.
You don't need to click! --
Just quickly touch the number with your mouse cursor
and it will expand and go away and then look for the next one in numerical sequence.
This is a good one for keeping your brain sharp, and eye-hand coordination.
thanks Toni
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Cool Black and White image of younger
Paul Newman and Clint Eastwwod
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Collection of YouTube Clips
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I thought you might appreciate this
A DC airport ticket agency offers some examples of 'why' US is in trouble!
1.. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter)
ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
(On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke),
who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information,
and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ...''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders)
called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .
. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me,
I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked,
''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No."'
She said, ''But they look so close on the map."
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano)
once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .
I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ..
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said,
''I heard Dallas was a big airport,
and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.
She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,
and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois
, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked,
''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag
so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''
I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline,
they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT),
and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"'
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it.
(I was dying laughing).
I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),
and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross)
called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii ...
After going over all the cost info, she asked,
''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman,
Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked,
''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said,
''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida ..
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question
about the documents she needed in order to fly to China ..
After a lengthy discussion about passports,
I reminded her that she needed a visa.
'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough,her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said,
''Look, I've been to China four times
and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations
''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ...''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said,
''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with,
''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country
and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.
Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.
thanks Gordon H
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thanks Liz Z
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Religion
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Motorbikes in love
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I've been to a lot of places
but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've never been in Cognito either.
I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane.
They don't have an airport..
. you have to be driven there.
I've made several trips.
thanks Liz Z
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No Speeding
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Wine taster...
At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died
and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position
.The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said,
"It's a Muscat, three Years old, grown on a north slope,
matured in steel containers".
Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope,
oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.
Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne,
high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished
.He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine
. The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant
and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
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A collection of Funny Signs
Taken from those of you that have sent them in ...thanks
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The number 62 bus always gets thru
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A guy meets a cute girl at a bar
and strikes up a conversation.
Many drinks and a long enjoyable evening later,
he asks her to come back to his apartment.
In no time, they are in the throws of passion,
tearing off each others' clothes.
His manhood at full attention,
he has just her socks and panties to go before
reaching the promised land.
When he pulls off her socks
he realizes that she is missing all 10 toes.
She explains that she lost them after
having been unprotected in freezing weather,
and they were amputated due to frostbite.
This immediately causes him to lose his erection
and to have no desire to continue with his love making.
No longer the least bit interested in continuing,
he apologizes to her and rushes to get her dressed
and out of his house.
As she was a real beauty
and he couldn't wait to mount her,
the event really bothers him
so he visits his doctor and relates what happened.
Upon finishing his story,
the doctor pats him on the shoulder and says
"Nothing to fret about.
It just appears that you are lack toes intolerant."
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PHILS PHILOSOPHY
Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
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