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What a Wonderful World....Satchmo



saw Satchmo over @Tacky Raccoons
I have posted this before, but is such a great song ,it deserves a re-run
Thanks Bunk

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The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months
in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she or he looks good...
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
My FAVORITE... I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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This was on Bits and Pieces a couple of days back
No offence to my many Kiwi friends, but it is just too funny to ignore
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Sheep fries

There was once a Sheep Farmer who needed help with his farm ... especially, the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the Females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the severed, "parts", when the Sheep Farmer yelled,

"No -- Don't throw those away -- "My Wife fries them up and we eat them ... they're delicious, and we call them 'Sheep Fries."

Later that day, the French hired-hand came in for supper and, indeed, he thought that the "Sheep Fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 Sheep, and that evening they all settled down to another supper of "Sheep Fries".

On the third day, however, when the Sheep Farmer came in for supper, he asked his wife where the French hired-hand was.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said. "I told Him that since there weren't that many 'Sheep Fries' this evening, we were also going to have French Fries ...

and he ran like his ass was on fire!"

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Amazing facts


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How A Marriage Works!!
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband,although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands
from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,Japan , India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted himby sayin g,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that
she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... Iwon't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
She opened the oven and tookout 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs inblankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing,dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words,
Dickhead? Drink your bloodybeer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your Godamn snacks, because you are Married now,
and you aren't bloody well going anywhere!
Got it, Asshole?"........and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?
---
Thanks Gordon [sorry mate, Ihad to clean it up a little]
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Time lapse cool video of Tamarrama Beach, Sydney by Keith Loutit

Beached from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.

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Cartoons..............Animals

Cool Chimp

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Winking
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position

as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal.

You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful,

and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position,

and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.

I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms:

red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally,

at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.

He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company,

and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed.

"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

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The most remote place on Earth

Tristan da Cunha-270 people can't be wrong
The Most Remote Place on Earth
Click on the link to go there
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An old woman is going up in a lift in a very lavish department store

when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,

“Guess what I’ve on… Romance by Ralph Lauren, 100 dollars a bottle.”
Then another woman gets in the lift, she also turns to the old woman and says snootily,

“You know, it’s Chanel No. 5, 200 dollars a bottle.”
A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination,

As she get out, she looks both women in the eye,

then turns round, bends over and farts, and says,

“Broccoli, 50 cents a pound.”

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Picture of Earth from 31 million miles

Thats our moon you can see

Photo from NASA archives


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Music

Instrumental hits

The Shadows had so many hits

its hard to know which one to play

This one is from 1960

The Shadows.....Apache


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A man was shipwrecked on a remote island.

Although he had plenty of food and water,

there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he
couldn't even get an erection.

Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach,
he thinks he sees a ship in the distance.

He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until

smoke is billowing high in the air.
The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks,

"Finally! I'm going to be saved!The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower.

Then they're going to give me some clothes

and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner.

I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin

and we can kiss andI can fondle her body.

She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts,

grabs his pecker, and yells,

"Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"

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More Countdown widgets here

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

201

January 26th is Australia Day

This post is a little early as I maybe missing in action for the next couple of days

Careful how you drive down under!!

Fair Dinkum Mate!


If you’re a True Blue Aussie, then talk the way we do.

Like “Stone the Crows” and “Ridgy Didge” and “Ow ya goin' Blue”.

Waltz along Matildas and sing of Gundagai,

Talk about the swagmen and eat the big meat pie.

If you’ve never humped a Bluey, or thrown a boomerang,

And never eaten damper, with Vegemite or jam;

If you’ve never seen the "Outback", from Bourke to Timbuktu,

Then sorry mate, but you can’t be, a “Dinkum Real True Blue”.

Aussie blokes and sheilas, are “Bonza” through and through,

They’ve camped down by a “Billabong”, and played a Didgeridoo;

They drive around in Holdens, and go to “Two-Up Schools”,

They play the game of Rugby League, and a lot of "Aussie Rules".

Aussies live “Down Under”, and are very proud of that.

They’ve fought in many battles, and wear the old "Slouch Hat";

They’ve fished the Murrumbidgee, and burnt the “Gidgee Tree”.

They’ve hunted “Crocs” at “Walkabout” with Crocodile Dundee.

Have you heard the Kookaburras laugh, and the Curlews when they cry,

The Goannas scamper up a tree, and the “Roos” go bounding by;

Have you seen the signs of nature, in Australia’s Great Outback,

From Darwin to “The Alice”, and down The Birdsville Track?

Have you ever sailed in Moreton Bay, or surfed at Bondi Beach,

Have you ever caught a Melbourne Tram, or walked down Flinders Street;

Have you journeyed to The Darling Downs, or crossed “The Great Divide”,

And travelled on “The Nullarbor” to reach the other side?

Have you been to Tumbarumba, shooting “Kanga Bloody Roos”,

Have you been down to “The Local” for a night out on “The Booze”;

Have you travelled The Pacific, The Bruce, The Sturt and Hume,

Have you ever seen “The Min-Min Light”, and been across to Broome?

If you’re a "Dinkum Aussie", and done what Aussies do,

You must be feeling very proud, to be a real "True Blue";

No matter what part of Australia, The north, south, east or west,

By being a "Fair Dinkum Aussie", you’re one of the world's very best.

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Kangaroo's learning to hop!!!

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A woman from eThekwini, Kwazulu-Natal, is sitting in the bar with two guys beside her.

The first guy says to the barman, "Johnnie Walker. Single."

And the second blurts, "Jack Daniels. single."

At that, the bartender approaches the lady and asks,

"And you ma'am?"

"Ntombizodwa Kubheka, married."

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Do you know who is sitting in
The Highest Position of the World ?!




U.S President?

NO

Osama Bin Laden ?

NO

UN General Secretary ?

NO

Pope Benedict ?

NO

Don't know

Then I Will Tell You

It is Babu from India

He is the Crane Operator

on the top floor of Burj Dubai

The tallest building in the world

thanks Geoff

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A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere

with her Stammerers Action group.

She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said

"If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering,

I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

"So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist,

"whose next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

"That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish."

"How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London".

"Brilliant, Paddy" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath

and Paddy said .................... "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry"

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Somebody's being fooling around

Funny Commercial

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Cartoons..............Dogs

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Irish Obama....The Corrigans

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Food at the Races
The jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting,

and was well ahead of the field.
His horse rounded the final corner,

when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead,

only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies

as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when,

on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the race stewards to complain

that he had been seriously hampered.

stolen from Archies Archive

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Music

Instrumental hits

Duane Eddy......Peter Gunn


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Welcome to----------

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Oldie, but Goldie


An elderly couple, who were both widowed,

had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner

and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to

broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it 'infrequently ' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment,

adjusted his glasses,

leaned over towards her and whispered

'Is that one word or two?'

thanks Paul

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

200

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You could have heard a pin drop
When in England , at a fairly large conference,
Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq
were just an example of empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years
the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women
into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders
The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enoug
to bury those that did not return.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American
During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying
'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done
He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims
Whatdoes he intended to do, bomb them?
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly
'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people;
they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities;
they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day
they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day
and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims
and injured to and from their flight deck.
We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
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A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals
from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officer
that included personnel from most of those countries
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks
but a French admiral suddenly complained that,
whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked,
'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conference
rather than speaking French?
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replie
'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans
arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on
'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previousl
Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.
The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France
'The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained
''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country,
I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.

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It Don't Look So Good
A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift

when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse.

He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good", and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse,

and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.

The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present

She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house,

demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"

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Say what you like about this bloke .......But Ithink he's a legend

Tom Waits...The piano has been drinking

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A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient inEnglish,

but did manage to communicate with her husband. The realproblem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation

clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs

Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't knowhow to say it,

and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned herblouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to finda way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

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Cartoons............Marriage

Doggie Marriage

Marriage ain't no monkey business

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WHAT DO DEER THINK?

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan ,

was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist.

The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked,

"What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him?

Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

"Nugent replied,

"Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking.

All they care about is,

'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,

and can I run fast enough to get away.

They are very much like the French."

The interview ended at that point.

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Mates for life

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Something Special For His Birthday

It was Jim’s birthday, and he was considered to be an “old man” by his friends standards.

So, to liven him up a bit,

Jim’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday.

They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door.

When Jim answered, she said “Hi I’m your birthday present!”

Startled, he asked “What am I supposed to do with you?”

“I’m yours for super sex,” she answers.

So Jim replied

“Well, I’m 75 years old so I’ll have the soup.”

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Sign of the times

stolen from Florida 5708

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Music

Intsrumental hits

Australian Group from the 60's with their big surfing hit

The Atlantics....Bombora

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Grapes and Doughnuts

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life,

but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help.

The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests.

Finally, he concluded,

"Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store

and buy some grapes and doughnuts.

Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir,

roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal.

Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard

and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "

Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room,

toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole.

Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless

he felt that he could help them;

so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news.

"I cannot help you, so I will not take your money.

I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said,

"You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said.

"On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store

and buy some apples and a box of cheerios. "

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.