collection of things,sayings,jokes,pictures and things that amuse me and music that appeals to me
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
125 The last day of April Here in Perth ,we have just recorded the wettest April for 82 years Hopefully it will continue into May This video has been around for a number of years. Some of you may not have seen it. I know Bunk over at Tacky Raccoonswill like it Its followed by some of the memorable quotes from the clip Daz: Well, Baz just vanished, like a... fart in a fan factory, you know? And I'm a little pissed off about it, seein' as how the bloke still owes me a six-pack! [chuckles] Daz: But yeah, no one knows what happened to the little baz-tard. Daz: 'Course, there is one other thing we toads fear. A real mean bastard! Built like a brick shithouse! With teeth that could rip a bloke inside-out, you know? They call him Victa! Daz: Anything could have happened to Baz, I know that, I'm not stupid! Daz: Look, if Baz wasn't careful, Big Victa would be all over him like flies on shit! You'd only have the time it takes to shotgun a tenny, before his ass... was grass. Daz: But, uh, but Baz... if you *are* out there somewhere... come back, mate. Eh? Daz: But then, folks 'round here reckon I don't know one end of the dog's ball from another and they could be right, you know? Daz: I'll bet you fifty bucks that Baz has crossed the Black Stump... into Toad Popper's Run! *All* toads should know that's dangerous territory, that! Most people *do* know that, but Baz... , uh, I don't know, if that's where he's ended up... he'd better like pancakes! [a truck smashes Baz, and leaves him conscious with his organs outside of his mouth] [first lines]Daz: [farts] Oh, excuse me! Uh, G'day! Eh, go on. Uh, my name's Daz, but me mates call me Dazza. I'm just here to talk about me little mate, uh, Baz, actually, cause, pickle me grandma, the silly old bugger's gone bloody missing! Daz: And then there's Baz's sense of direction. He's pretty bloody useless! Daz: [describing Baz's possible death] Geez, that's a bad way to go!
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says
"who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house,
a mature and distinguishedman with gray hair and impeccably dressed
in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father,mother and the girl, and tells them:
Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. "
"Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
124 ANZAC Day weekend is almost over Footy is over for another week [Eagles lost again] Back to work tomorrow. I need something to brighten up my day How about this video?
This is a public service for Women to better understand men Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only) Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or new ways for sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.
thanks Gordon Hamilton
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "battleship mouth and rowboat ass". The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation.
He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guy's face and said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an asshole!" Three months later they are in court.
The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross-examination, the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?" Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?" Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined." Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?" Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir." Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?" Officer: "Yes, Sir?" Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?" Officer: "Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."
CARTOONS
Video Request
One of my avid readers from Kalgoorlie Esther Roadnight requested Louis Armstrong....What a Wonderful World
The answer is C
Snow White received a digital camera as a gift. She took pictures of the dwarfs and the forest creatures
and she quickly filled her memory card. She didn't have a printer, so she took the card to a store to have the photos printed. She returned a few days later but was told there had been a malfunction
and her prints would be late. Snow White was so disappointed that she wept. The store clerk tried to console her, saying,
"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come."
Dr Spock I presume
Two elderly ladies were in the supermarket at a long checkout line.
They were discussing hair care.
Apparently the husband of one of them had a particularly bad case of dandruff. The other one said,
"My husband used to have that problem until I gave him Head and Shoulders.
And that cured it." The other one thought for a minute, and with a puzzled look replied,
"How do you give shoulders?"
Great Photo
A wife asked her husband:
"What do you like most in me,my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
"I like your sense of humour."
Fair enough
Music
This one of those songs that just hit it off ......For some reason it just appeals to me
Jesse Colter......I'm not Lisa
"I'm Not Lisa"
is a popular 1975 country and pop song by country music artist Jessi Colter.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
History"I'm Not Lisa" has been said to be one of country music's greatest songs of all time.
It was first recorded by Jessi Colter in 1975.
Colter, the wife of country singer Waylon Jennings,
was trying to establish her own career in country music.
She wanted to go into the category of outlaw country music with her husband
and other artists like Willie Nelson and Sammi Smith.
She had recorded numerous duets with Jennings before writing any material on her own.
"I'm Not Lisa" was one of the first songs she wrote the music to.
The lyrics were written by a ghostwriter.
Colter liked the song and decided to record it under her label Capitol Records.
The song was then featured on her debuting 1975 album I'm Jessi Colter.
The song soon was released as a single.
"I'm Not Lisa" climbed the country charts that year and went directly to #1.
"I'm Not Lisa" also achieved huge pop success.
The song reached the Top 5 on the pop charts that year
and made a Colter a household name.
"I'm Not Lisa" became Colter's signature song.
"I'm Not Lisa" was one of the early crossover country songs by a female artist,
and Colter's only crossover hit.
Lynn Anderson, Skeeter Davis, and Patsy Cline would also achieve country-crossover success during the 1970s.
"I'm Not Lisa" proved to be one of Colter's greatest achievements.
Not only did she sing on the song, but Colter also played the keyboard in the recording.
The song has also been classified as one of the greatest hits of the 1970s,
A drunk man is sitting on the sidewalk next to a bar.
A stranger sees him and asks him if he needs help walking home.
The drunk man answers: - Hey! Do you know who I am ? - No I don’t. Who are you ? - I’m Jesus Christ, and I can proove it.
Come with me. They both enter the bar.
The bartender sees them and shouts: - Jesus, you again
Friday, April 25, 2008
123
Friday 25 April 2008 ANZAC Day is the day Australians remember the original landing on Gallipoli in 1915.
The spirit of ANZAC, with its human qualities of courage, mateship,
and sacrifice, continues to have meaning and relevance for our sense of national identity.
On this day, the service of our veterans is acknowledged
in ceremonies held in towns and cities across the nation.
The ever-growing attendance at these ceremonies testifies
to ANZAC Day’s significance for all Australians.
The Anzac on the Wall I wandered thru a country town 'cos I had time to spare,
And went into an antique shop to see what was in there.
Old Bikes and pumps and kero lamps, but hidden by it all,
A photo of a soldier boy - an Anzac on the Wall.
'The Anzac have a name?' I asked. The old man answered 'No,
.The ones who could have told me mate, have passed on long ago.
The old man kept on talking and, according to his tale,
The photo was unwanted junk bought from a clearance sale.
'I asked around,' the old man said, 'but no one knows his face,
He's been on that wall twenty years, deserves a better place.
For some one must have loved him so, it seems a shame somehow.
'I nodded in agreement and then said, 'I'll take him now.'
My nameless digger's photo, well it was a sorry sight
A cracked glass pane and a broken frame - I had to make it right
To prise the photo from its frame I took care just in case,
'Cause only sticky paper held the cardboard back in place.
I peeled away the faded screed and much to my surprise,
Two letters and a telegram appeared before my eyes
The first reveals my Anzac's name, and regiment of course
John Mathew Francis Stuart - of Australia's own Light Horse.
This letter written from the front, my interest now was keen
This note was dated August seventh 1917'
Dear Mum, I'm at Khalasa Springs not far from the Red Sea
They say it's in the Bible - looks like Billabong to me.
'My Kathy wrote I'm in her prayers she's still my bride to be
I just cant wait to see you both you're all the world to me
And Mum you'll soon meet Bluey, last month they shipped him out
I told him to call on you when he's up and about.'
'That bluey is a larrikin, and we all thought it funny
He lobbed a Turkish hand grenade into the Co's dunny.
I told you how he dragged me wounded in from no man's land
He stopped the bleeding closed the wound with only his bare hand.
''Then he copped it at the front from some stray shrapnel blast
It was my turn to drag him in and I thought he wouldn't last
He woke up in hospital, and nearly lost his mind
Cause out there on the battlefield he'd left one leg behind.
''He's been in a bad way mum, he knows he'll ride no more
Like me he loves a horse's back he was a champ before
.So Please Mum can you take him in, he's been like my brother
Raised in a Queensland orphanage he' s never known a mother.
'But Struth, I miss Australia mum, and in my mind each day
I am a mountain cattleman on high plains far away
I'm mustering white-faced cattle, with no camel's hump in sight
And I waltz my Matilda by a campfire every night
I wonder who rides Billy, I heard the pub burnt down
I'll always love you and please say hooroo to all in town'.
The second letter I could see was in a lady's hand
An answer to her soldier son there in a foreign land
Her copperplate was perfect, the pages neat and clean
It bore the date November 3rd 1917.
'T'was hard enough to lose your Dad, without you at the war
I'd hoped you would be home by now - each day I miss you more'
'Your Kathy calls around a lot since you have been awayT
o share with me her hopes and dreams about your wedding day
And Bluey has arrived - and what a godsend he has been
We talked and laughed for days about the things you've done and seen
''He really is a comfort, and works hard around the farm,
I read the same hope in his eyes that you wont come to harm
.Mc Connell's kids rode Billy, but suddenly that changed
We had a violent lightning storm, and it was really strange.'
'Last Wednesday just on midnight, not a single cloud in sight
It raged for several minutes, it gave us all a fright
It really spooked your Billy - and he screamed and bucked and reared
And then he rushed the sliprail fence, which by a foot he cleared'
'They brought him back next afternoon, but something's changed I fear
It's like the day you brought him home, for no one can get near
Remember when you caught him with his black and flowing mane?
Now Horse breakers fear the beast that only you can tame,'
'That's why we need you home son' - then the flow of ink went dry-
This letter was unfinished, and I couldn't work out why.
Until I started reading the letter number three
A yellow telegram delivered news of tragedy
Her son killed in action - oh - what pain that must have been
The Same date as her letter - 3rd November 17
This letter which was never sent, became then one of three
She sealed behind the photo's face - the face she longed to see.
And John's home town's old timers -children when he went to war
Would say no greater cattleman had left the town before.
They knew his widowed mother well - and with respect did tell
How when she lost her only boy she lost her mind as well.
She could not face the awful truth, to strangers she would speak'
My Johnny's at the war you know , he's coming home next week
.'They all remembered Bluey he stayed on to the end
A younger man with wooden leg became her closest friend
And he would go and find her when she wandered old and weak
And always softly say 'yes dear - John will be home next week.
'Then when she died Bluey moved on, to Queensland some did say
I tried to find out where he went, but don't know to this day
And Kathy never wed - a lonely spinster some found odd
She wouldn't set foot in a church - she'd turned her back on God
John's mother left no will I learned on my detective trail
This explains my photo's journey, that clearance sale
So I continued digging cause I wanted to know more
I found John's name with thousands in the records of the war
His last ride proved his courage - a ride you will acclaim
The Light Horse Charge at Beersheba of everlasting fame
That last day in October back in 1917
At 4pm our brave boys fell - that sad fact I did glean
That's when John's life was sacrificed, the record's crystal clear
But 4pm in Beersheba is midnight over here.......
So as John's gallant sprit rose to cross the great divide
Were lightning bolts back home a signal from the other side?
Is that why Billy bolted and went racing as in pain?
Because he'd never feel his master on his back again?
Was it coincidental? same time - same day - same date?
Some proof of numerology, or just a quirk of fate?
I think it's more than that, you know, as I've heard wiser men,
Acknowledge there are many things that go beyond our ken
Where craggy peaks guard secrets neath dark skies torn asunder
Where hoofbeats are companions to the rolling waves of thunder
Where lightning cracks like 303's and ricochets again
Where howling moaning gusts of wind sound just like dying men
Some Mountain cattlemen have sworn on lonely alpine track
They've glimpsed a huge black stallion - Light Horseman on his back.
Yes Sceptics say, it's swirling clouds just forming apparitions
Oh no, my friend you cant dismiss all this as superstition
The desert of Beersheba - or windswept Aussie rangeJ
ohn Stuart rides forever there - Now I don't find that strange.
Now some gaze at this photo, and they often question me
And I tell them a small white lie, and say he's family.
'You must be proud of him.' they say - I tell them, one and all,
That's why he takes the pride of place - my Anzac on the Wall. thanks to Peter Pelham and Ron Wilson who both sent me a copyof the above poem
They shall grow not old,
As we that are left grow old,
Age shall not weary them,
Nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun,
And in the morning
We will remember them.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
122
We have a long weekend coming up starting Friday April 25th is ANZAC Day in Australia and New Zealand This is the time when we rememember the scarifices made by our armed forces in World wars and other conflicts
Retired Drill Team
When I first saw this I thought these blokes were Aussies
and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.
His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his,
a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.
they fired, and a duck fell.
The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird,
never getting more than his paws wet.
This continued all day long;
each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend,
“Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?” “I sure did,” responded the pessimist.
Mommy Test I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been,
it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test.
You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes,
but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed,
"So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy." "Exactly", I replied back with a big smile on my face.
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said,
“I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday –
she has everything, and besides,
she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”
His buddy said, “I have an idea –
why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex,
any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.”
So that’s what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said,
“Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” said Joe.
“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.
“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead
and ran out the door, yelling
“I’ll be back in an hour!!”
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This video is for my very good Blog palMiss Cellaniaas she is the one who encouraged me tostart blogging. Miss C lives in the back blocks of Kentucky???
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