378

-

***************

AIRPORT SECURITY

thanks Liz Z

--

-------

thanks Duke




*******

thanks Josie J

******

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara,"exclaimed the Muslim.

"Suddenly, a fierce sandstorm appeared out of nowhere.

I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel

while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand.

But I didn't lose my faith in Allah.

I prayed and prayed, and suddenly, for ten miles all around me,

the storm stopped and I was able to get back to my village.

The Christian chimed in. "One day while I was fishing in a little rowboat in the ocean,

a giant storm came from nowhere. 50 foot waves!

I thought my end had truly come. I prayed and prayed to God,

and then, for ten miles around me, the storm ceased

and I was able to row back to shore."

The Jew started. "I was in the middle of New York City.

Suddenly, a black bag on the ground appeared out of nowhere.

I put my hand inside and found that it was full of cash.

I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday

and we're not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath.

But I didn't lose my faith. I prayed and prayed,

and suddenly, for ten miles around me, it was *Tuesday* !"

************

*************

Your First Christmas Card

*******************

A defendant was on trial for murder.

There was very strong evidence indicating guilt,

but no corpse had been found.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer,

knowing that his client would probably be convicted,

decided to try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"

the lawyer said as he looked at his watch: "

Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case

will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door.

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked eagerly.

A minute passed.

Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said:

"Actually, I made up the previous statement.

But you all looked on with anticipation.

I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt

in this case as to whether or not anyone was killed

and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate.

But after only a few minutes,

they came back and pronounced their verdict: guilty.
"But how?" the lawyer asked:

"You must have had some doubt.

I saw all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied:

"We all looked - but your client didn't!"


****************

This looks like fun

**************




Those Funny Animals

******************

This lady is shopping in a supermarket

when she notices this handsome muscular boy

doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.

Making sure she goes through his line,

she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds,

"Sure lady."

They no sooner get out of the store when she again leans over and whispers,

" You know, I have an itchy pussy."

To which he responds,

"You'll have to point it out lady,

all those Japanese cars look alike to me!!"

****************

SOMETHING AUSSIE

*****************

THIS IS NATURE TAKING A BREAK

Mystery solved....

This is nature taking a break:

Rain barrel with bear

People living in Colorado Springs wondered

why their rain water barrel was almost empty every day.
They set up a couple of cameras

and look what they caught on film!

thanks Liz Z


**************

Idiots Galore

Take your pick

*************

Banned in the USA




*********************

Seems that a tribal chieftain's daughter was offered

as a bride to the son of a neighboring potentate in exchange

for two cows and four sheep.

The big swap was to be effected on the shore of the stream

that separated the two tribes.

The chief and his daughter showed up at the appointed time,

only to discover that the groom and his livestock

were on the other side of the stream.

The father grunted,

"The fool doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on."

------

I'm an obstetric nurse at a large city hospital,

where our patients are from many different countries and cultures.

One day while waiting for a new mother to be transferred to our division,

I checked the chart and assumed that because of her last name,

she was of European descent.

When she was finally wheeled in,

I was surprised to see that she was Asian.

As I was performing the exam,

we chatted and she told me she was Chinese

and her husband's ethnic heritage was Czech.

After a short pause she quipped,

"I guess that makes my baby a Chinese Czecher!"

-- Stan Kegel



--

Blast from the Past



***************

A couple stepped up to the desk clerk of one of the city's hotel.

"I'd like a room with a bath for my wife and myself,

said the young man.

"I'm terrible sorry, sir," said the clerk,

"but the only room available doesn't have a bath..only a shower."

"Will that be all right with you, darling?"

the man asked the young woman at his side.

"Sure, mister," she said.

**************

****************

Wasted in the Movies

Wasted In Movies Supercut - Watch more Funny Videos


********************

thanks Don H


**************


One night my husband, a retired Army colonel,

was watching a program on TVabout paratroopers.

As one D-Day jumper began to comment,

Lee exclaimed,"That's Jack Norton!

I served in both Korea and Vietnam with him."

Then, after watching the man speak for a few moments, he quietly remarked.....

."You know you're getting old when you have more friends on the History Channel

than in the news."

*********


Miscellaneous Cartoons

*******************

Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice

."Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"

"No , Morris, a man should not profit from another man's mistakes" answered the rabbi

."Are you sure Rabbi?"

"Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi

." Ok , Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning

the two hundred dollars I gave you
for marrying me to my wife?"



************

Parliamentary speech

***********
One way to lay pipe..Russian Style

EMBED-Russian Pipeline Deployment Accident - Watch more free videos


*****************

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

-

*****************

but I leave you with

**************

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

377

Happy Thanksgiving... America and Canada

thanks Liz Z

****************

What will I be when I grow up?

stolen from Sandee at Comedy Plus



*********************

---------------

This is an interesting, and fun set of games that claims to predict your brain age.

If your brain age is less than your actual age, via this test, you are doing OK

and Dr. Alzheimer hasn't paid you a visit,

or at least not done any real damage yet.

I would like to see the statistical proof that this test is real

and it can predict what is says it can.

http://www.freebrainagegames.com/



********************

“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender,

as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.
“It was awful,” she explained.

“I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident.

A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street.

His leg was broken, his skull was fractured,

and there was blood everywhere.

Thank God I took that first-aid course.”
“Wow! What did you do?” asked the bartender.
“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

*****************

Those Funny Animals

***************

A Scotsman was dying.

On his deathbed, he looked up and asked,

"Is my wife here?"

His wife replies:

"Yes, dear, I'm here. I'm right next to you.."

The Scot inquires, "Are my children here?"

"Yes, daddy, we are all here," say the children.

The Scotsman: "Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The Scot gets up and says,

"Then wha the heck is the light on in the kitchen?"


**************

*********************

thanks Toni

-

********************
A woman confided to her girlfriend,

“My ex-husband wants to marry me again.”

The friend said, “How flattering.”

The woman replied,

“Not really. I think he’s after the money I married him for.”


***************

********


Snow White and Others

*******************

Baptism

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father

and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied.

"My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming

with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded.

"I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply.

"I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

****************

Blast from the Past

The Hollies


The Air That I Breathe
Uploaded by unecricri. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

*****************




A mother cleaning her son’s room finds an S&M magazine under the bed.

Upset, she shows her husband.
“What do you think we should do?” she asks.
“I’m not sure," the father replies:

“But we certainly shouldn’t spank him.”

*************





SOMETHING AUSSIE

********************

For those in the Northern Hemisphere
where the weather is getting a bit cool




******************

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.

The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?”
The witness: “Yes, sir.”
The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”
The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.”
The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness):

“Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”
The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it.

I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”


****************



Crystal Balls

******************

****************

Dave sold strawberries off his truck out in the suburbs.

He knocked on the door of a house.

"Wanna buy some strawberries?"

"Come around the back," answered the pretty young blonde.

Dave walked to the rear, rang the bell,

and the woman opened the door.

To Dave's shock, she stood there stark naked.

Not a stitch of clothes on.

Dave started to cry

."What's the matter?" asked the blonde.

"Today, my wife ran away with my best friend," explained Dave,

"I lost three thousand dollars on the stock market,

and now you're gonna screw me out of my strawberries."







****************



Heil Justin Bieber

*******************





"PHILS PHILOSOPHY"

but I leave you with







****************

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.