Phils Phun: June 2008

Sunday, June 29, 2008

142

G'day G'day....Slim Dusty

Umbrella advert from Africa

Ponderisms
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail
.3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all..
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this . No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket..
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
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Cartoons

Quick Wedding

It is the time of Glasnost and the Soviet state is showing a kinder, gentler face.

But, still there are shortages.

An old man and his wife are waiting patiently in line to get into a store

to buy a half kilo of meat when the store manager comes out and tells the line

"we are out of meat--go home."
The old man goes ballistic and starts screaming to anyone who will listen: "

"Is this what we have suffered for?

Is this the communist dream?

I fought valiantly and hard in the war for the Motherland,

expecting that we would be building a socialist state.

I didn't complain.

After the war we had shortages, but I worked hard, expecting improvements.

And now, after 50 years, we can't supply meat to the citizens!

The Soviet Union is an utter failure!"
A big plain clothes policeman comes up to him, pulls him away from the others,

and cautions him to calm down.
"You say there are no improvements in our society" he whispers to the old man.

"But we have evolved.

Remember what would have happened if you had made an outburst like this under Stalin."

And he make his hand into a gun and pretends to shoot the old man.
The old man walks back to his wife who asks what the policeman had told him.
"It is worse than we feared.

The government is out of bullets."

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From "Its Knutz'
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Calvin

More from Slim Dusty..Todays featured Artist[s]
We've done us proud

Waltzing Matilda

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Thousands of rabbits start streaming across the border from the Soviet Union to Rumania.

The Rumanian border guards are flabbergasted.

Finally, one picks up a rabbit by its ears and asks:

What's going on here?

The rabbit says: The KGB started to persecute camels.

Border guard: You are not a camel.

Rabbit: Well, YOU explain that to the KGB

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Jesus escapes boat crash

Thanks Geoff Collins

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An Englishmen, a Frenchman and a Russian are drinking together in a pub.

The Englishman says "You know what my idea of paradise is?

Sitting in my armchair after a hard day's work, and my wife

brings me my whiskey, pipe and slippers."

The Frenchmen says "You English are so cold!

Paradise is making love with the world's most beautiful woman for the whole night."

The Russian says "You're both wrong!

True paradise is when the KGB bang at your door at 3 in the morning,

you open it, and they say 'Ivan Ivanovitch, you're under arrest'

and you can say 'Sorry, but Ivan Ivanovitch lives next door'."

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World submarine racing championships 2008

Well, what did you expect to see
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day for you

thanks Gordon Hamilton

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Nate lived in the desert.

He guarded a very special lever.

If the lever were pulled, it would destroy the world.

Nate took his job seriously; he didn’t let anything close to the lever.

One day, he saw a cloud of dust coming down the side of a nearby mountain.

The dust came closer and closer.

Nate realized it was a huge boulder that was going to hit the lever.

He had to try to deflect it.

He succeeded;

however, he was killed by the boulder.

But it was ...
... better Nate than lever!

More Punny store fronts

A new report shows that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed,

and actually confers some surprising health benefits.
Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments

ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates.
Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover

from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia,

and various injuries and infections, states the report.
Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate,

and colon cancer.

And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness,

cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier,

more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.
"This just goes to show that conventional wisdom is wrong," said a spokeswoman

for the study group.

"Not to mention the hundreds of studies that came before!"
The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.

OPEC nations buy our grain at $7.00 a bushel.

Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.

Can't buy it?

Tough shit

Eat your oil!

Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel's ass!!!
wisdom from Jammo

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

141

Kawasaki Advert...funny

Changing Tyres

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A tourist from New York was hiking through the mountains of North Carolina

when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?', he asked.

'Yep,'came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?', asked the tourist.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother here?

No, she left before I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the city slicker,'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door.

'This is the outhouse!'

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Cartoons

A Small White Dot
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting

and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found,

the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class,

and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

'It's a period,' he replied

.'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?'

Darned if I know,' he said,

'but this morning my sister was missing one,

my mom fainted,

my dad had a heart attack,

and the boy next door joined the Navy.'

stolen from Shelleys Snippets
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Bear Back Riding

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer .

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up.

You swing left and the ball goes right.

The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

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Cool Transport

Violin bike

Lawn mower bike

The Flying squad

Pig bike

Jet bike

Limo bike

Featured Music Artist[s]

Johnny Cash

From "The Johnny Cash Show," May 13, 1970.

The second-season finale of his TV show,

Johnny brings his mom on stage to accompany him on the first song he ever sang in public,

as she did when he was 12 years old.

This land is your land

Johnny Cash and Burl Ives

World's fastest police car.....Lamboghini

Top Ten Russian Jokes

From "The Times online"
1) Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for.

The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.”

The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.” The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”

2) An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes.

There is a menacing banging on the door.

‘Whose there?’ the old man asks.

‘Death ‘comes the reply.

‘Thank God for that,’ he says, ‘I thought it was the KGB.’

3)Pravda announced that it welcomed letters to the editor.

All correspondents were required to include their full name, address and next of kin.

4) Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?"

A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

5) Leonid Brezhnev pays a state visit to France and he's given a VIP guided tour of Paris.

He's conducted round the splendours of the Élysée Palace,

but remains as stony-faced as ever.

He's shown the masterpieces of the Louvre, but the curators fail to get any reaction out of him. He's taken to the Arc de Triomphe, but displays not the slightest interest.

Eventually, the official motorcade drives him to the foot of the Eiffel Tower,

where Brezhnev finally stares up in amazement and astonishment.

He turns to his French hosts and asks in bewilderment:

"But, Paris is a city of 9 million people... surely you need more than one watchtower?"

(first heard by me in the Brezhnev era)

6) Stalin decides to go out one day and see what it's really like for the workers,

so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the Kremlin.

After a while he wanders into a cinema.

When the film has finished, the Soviet Anthem plays

and a huge picture of Stalin appears on the screen.

Everyone stands up and begins singing, except Stalin, who smugly remains seated.

A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear:

"Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do,

but trust me, it's a lot safer if you just stand up."

7) A man saves up his ruples and is finally able to buy a car in Soviet Russia.

After he pays his money the he is told he will have his car in three years.

"Three years!" he asks

"What month?"

"August"

"August? What day in August?" He asks

"The Second of August" is the reply

"Morning or Afternoon?"

"Afternoon. Why do you need to know?"

"The plumber is coming in the morning."

8) Why do ex-Stasi officers make the best Berlin taxi drivers?

Because you only need to tell them your name and they'll already know where you live!

9) Moscow in the 1970s.

Deepest winter.

A rumour spreads through the city that meat will be available for sale the next day at Butcher's Shop no. 1.
Tens of thousands turn up on the eve of the event:

wrapped up against the cold, carrying stools, vodka, and chessboards,

they form an orderly queue.
At 3 am the butcher comes out and says,

"Comrades, I've just had a call from the Party Central Committee:

it turns out there won't be enough meat for everyone,

so the Jews in the queue should go home."
The Jews obediently leave the queue.

The rest continue to wait.
At 7 am, the butcher comes out again:

"Comrades, I've just had another call from Central Committee.

It turns out there will be no meat at all, so you should all go home."
The crowd disperses, grumbling all the while:

"Those bloody Jews get all the luck!"

10) A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book.

The KGB says "What are you reading old man?"

The old man says "I am trying to teach myself Hebrew."

KGB says "Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel.

You would die before the paperwork got done."

"I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will

be able to speak to Abraham and Moses.

Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven." the old man replies

."But what if when you die you go to Hell?" asks KGB.

And the old man replies,

"Russian, I already know."

Boneless chicken

Sunday, June 22, 2008

140

Welcome Back

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OLD TIMERS BAR
One afternoon four retired American golfers are walking down a street in
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina when they see a sign that says,
"OLD TIMERS BAR .......ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS".
They look at each other, then go in.
As they enter, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What will it be gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis and says,
"That will be 10 cents each please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other.
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, drink their martinis, and order another round.
Again four excellent martinis are served with the bartender again saying, ....
"That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says,
"How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece ?"
The bartender says,
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I won $25 million in the New York Lottery,
and decided to move down here and open this place.
Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer all the same price."
"Wow! that's quite a story" says one of the guys.
The four of them sipped at their martinis
but couldn't help notice four other guys at the end of the bar who
didn't have a drink in front of them,
and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they they were there.
One man gestures at the four at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them ?"
The bartender replies,
"Oh, they're four Scotsmen. They're waiting for happy hour."
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A couple of funny beers videos

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Cool way to play chess

Your move Amigo

The above two images were seen on 'Its Knutz"
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ORDER IN THE COURT
Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I'm 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened toyou on the first of April of this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my frontporch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on theporch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me. young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" .

..And that's when I shot the little bastard!

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Here is a link to very addictive game called Catch Thirty Three

The idea is to click on all the numbers 1-33 in sequence as quick as you can

The best Icould do was 53 seconds [pretty slow]

Good game for concentration and co-ordination skills

http://www.abunawaf.com/mm-776.html

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Cartoons

THE "BRICKYARD" TRIBE

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.

After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests the doctor said,

"Well, Running Doe, you're in fine health. I could find no problems.

However, I did notice one small anomaly."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That's amazing" said the doctor.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine."
She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what's the name of your tribe" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied........

"We're called The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred."

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More Punny business