338

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World Cup jokes
What's the difference between the England Team and a tea bag ?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer

-

I'm shocked at Rooney's outburst after the Algeria game

Who knew he could even string a sentence together

-

Capello noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping bags

so stopped to ask her,

"Can you manage dear" ?

The old lady replied,

"No way, you got yourself into this messso don't ask me to sort it out"

-

.What do you call an English man in the knockout stages of the World Cup ?

A referee

-

What's the difference between Rooney and Shrek ?

Shrek can save the day

-

OXO have brought out a new cube

- it's wrapped in white with a red cross on it,

it's called the laughing stock

-

What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Rooney ?

The jet engine eventually stops whining

----------





-------------------

------------------------------------

Two starving cannibals, a father and son,

were out trying to get something to eat.

They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came a little old man.

The son said,
“Oh Dad, there’s one.”
“No”, said the father.

“There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs

We’ll just wait.”
A little while later, along came a really fat man.

The son said,
“Hey dad, he’s big enough.”
“No”, the father said.

“We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one

. We’ll just wait.”
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said,
“Now there’s nothing wrong with that one Dad,

let’s eat her.”
“No”, said the father

. “Were not going to eat her either.”
“Why not?” asked the son.
“Because, we’re going to take her back alive,

and eat your mother”.

-------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------

thanks Gordon H

-----------------------


Those Funny Animals

thanks Toni
---------------------------

Lahore Pakistan

Dewsbury England

----------------

McGregor, Texas
This weekend I was driving along near Waco (Texas),

just passing through the small town of McGregor

when I noticed this poster.

I immediately made a legal U turn and went back to take a picture

so I could share this with you.
The building is designated as a storm shelter area

I wonder if it's a city building, but I don't know.

I am surprised that it hasn't been circulated online

or taken down by the city.

thanks Liz Z

---------------------------------

Blast from the Past

--------------------------------

-------------------------------------

Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting

----

For Robert
[who misses the AFL]


-------------------------------------

The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye

while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor

in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through,

and put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye

and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor,

"there's no need to get upset about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde,

"But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

--

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired

of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid

. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart

While her husband is off at work,

she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work,

she gets down to the task at hand

.Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife

lying on the floor in a pool of sweat

He notices that she is wearing a heavy Parka

and a leather jacket at the same time

.He goes over and asks her if she if OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies

that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb,

and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replies that she was reading the directions

on the paint can and it said.

."FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

thanks Josie

---------------------

Once upon a time in England,

a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population,

who finally went to see a wizard to see what could be done about her.

The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue.

The townpeople managed to put the potion in the witch's food.

When she found out about this, she turned green with rage,

but it was too late and the potion worked as expected.

The jubilant population had a big celebration and parade,

and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example.

Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen

in a position that made her a perfect sundial,

and started using her to tell the time of day.

The custom grew and even today,

people often refer to

Mean Green Witch Time.

--

---------------------------

How to get low fat milk





---------------------------



Doctors and Nurses

------------------------

--------------

-------------------------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

But I'll leave you with this


-

Some say love, it is a river

that drowns the tender reed

.Some say love, it is a razor

that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger

an endless aching need

I say love, it is a flower

and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking

that never learns to dance.

It's the dream afraid of waking

that never takes the chance.

It's the one who won't be taken

,who cannot seem to give

,and the soul afraid of dyin

'that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely

and the road has been to long,

and you think that love is only

for the lucky and the strong

,just remember in the winter

far beneath the bitter snow

lies the seed that with the sun's love

in the spring becomes the rose.

--------------------

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

-

337

--------

Come Fly with me

------------------

The Power of Thinking
A new research program has recently be studying the effects of mind power,

with some interesting results..

.A new soldier is preparing for his first battle,

eager and ready to go.

He has his uniform, his hat, everything he needs,

except his weapons

.He goes up to the General, and tells him of his problem.

The General looks around for a moment, before saying,

"Yes, we are running short on supplies here,

and the next shipment won't be in for a couple of days.

Tell you what, all you need to do is believe you have a weapon, and it will work."

The young soldier looks at him incredulously.

"I know it sounds weird, but trust me

, if you believe you have a gun, hold your hands out like a gun,

and shout bamity-bam-bam, it will be like a real gun.

The soldier, a little weary, decides to try it.

Later, when he is marching into battle, he holds up his hands,

pretending to hold rifle, and says bamity-bam-bam.

He watches amazed as he shoots someone down

.He returns to the position,

shouting bamity-bam-bam, bamity-bam-bam into the enemy,

and starts taking out the enemy quickly.

As the battle goes on, the soldier spots a guy on the other side

who is standing off to one side, unguarded.

Quickly taking this to his advantage,

the soldier point to him and goes bamity-bam-bam.

Nothing happens.

He tries again, this time, the guy has noticed him shooting,

and starts to come towards the young soldier.

The soldier frantically shouts bamity-bam-bam, again and again,

as he comes closer, with nothing happening.

Finally, a few feet before the man gets to him,

our soldier is pushed down.

He wonders how this suddenly he hears

"tankity-tank-tank, tankity-tank-tank.

------------------------

Those funny Animals

------------------------------

A bit of Aussie Rules biffo




--------------------

Stagecoach surprise
I had a dream the other night.

I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach.

Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach,

and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door,

and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach.

Then he opens the door on the other side

and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out

,"What was all that about?"

He replied

,"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

--------------

Beer Plaques

* Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

* Reality is an illusion that is brought upon by the lack of alcohol

.* A woman drove me to drink. I sure regret I didn't get a chance to thank her.

* What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

* One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor

.* Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beer Holder

.* If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs

.* When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

* Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so if you get wasted all of the time,

you'll have the time of your life

.* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

* Beer is good food.

* It's better to have a beer in the hand than gas in the tank.

* Beer. It's not just for breakfast anymore

.* A beer in the hand beats two in the bush

.* One more drink and I'll be under the host

.* Without question, the greatest invention in the history of Mankind is beer.

The wheel was also a fine invention, but it does not go nearly as well with pizza

.* I don't work out. It cuts into my drinking time

.* People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot

.* I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!

* Draft beer, not people!


---------------------

Golfer
A murder has been committed.

Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing

, holding a 5-iron in his hands,

looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man, answers.

He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five...maybe six ...put me down for a five."

stolen from Slavenka and Obi

--------------------------

Jammo will like this [watch till end]



--------------------------------

A blonde was visiting Washington, D.C., for the first time

and wanted to see the Capitol building.

Unfortunately, she couldn't find it,

so she asked a police officer for directions.
"Excuse me, Officer,” she said:

“how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied:

"Wait here at this bus stop for the No. 54 bus.

It'll take you right there."
She thanked the officer and he drove off.

Three hours later, the police officer returned to the same area

and, sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said:

"Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building,

I said to wait here for the No. 54 bus.

That was three hours ago.

Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied:

"Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now.

The 49th bus just went by


------------------------------

Trees and Flowers

--------------------

Blast from the Past

--------------------





Its that Colour Pink again

------------------

Standing in line at the grocery-store checkout,

my dad was pleased to hear bits of classical music.

Unfortunately, the music would begin to play, only to quickly stop.

The store's sound system did not seem to be working properly

.Turning to the woman standing behind him in line.

Dad commented on how lovely the music was

and how he hoped the store would get their system fixed.

As the music started up again.

Dad smiled at the lady and said,

"There it is again! Isn't it lovely?"

"Sir, it is indeed lovely, but it's not from the store," the woman replied with a smile.

"Your cell phone is ringing."

Thanks Toni
------------------------

----------------

----------------------

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines

from Kansas City to Chicago

. The little boy (who had been looking out the window turned

to his mother and asked,

"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,

why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer)

told her son to ask the flight attendant

.So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant,

"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,

why don't big plane have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said,

"Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes

because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your mother explain that to you."

thanks Don H

---------------------------





PHILS PHILOSOPHY

-------------------------

The Class Reunion

Every five years, as summertime nears,

An announcement arrives in the mail,

A reunion is planned; it'll be really grand;

Make plans to attend without fail.

I'll never forget the first time we met;

We tried so hard to impress.

We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,

And wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an affair; the whole class was there.

It was held at a fancy hotel.

We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined,

And everyone thought it was swell.

The men all conversed about who had been first to achieve great fortune and fame.

Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses

And how beautiful their children became

.The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,

Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.

The jocks who were there had all lost their hair

, And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.

No one had heard about the class nerd Who'd guided a spacecraft to the moon;

Or poor little Jane, who's always been plain; She married a shipping tycoon

.The boy we'd decreed `most apt to succeed'

Was serving ten years in the pen,

While the one voted `least' now was a priest;

Just shows you can be wrong now and then.

They awarded a prize to one of the guys Who seemed to have aged the least..

Another was given to the grad who had driven The farthest to attend the feast.

They took a class picture, a curious mixture of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.

Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini;

You never saw so many thighs

At our next get-together, no one cared whether

They impressed their classmates or not.

The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal;

By this time we'd all gone to pot

.It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores;

We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans.

Then most of us lay around in the shade,

In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.

By the fiftieth year, it was abundantly clear,

We were definitely over the hill.

Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed,

And be home in time for their pill

.And now I can't wait; they've set the date;

Our sixtieth is coming, I'm told.

It should be a ball, they've rented a hall

At the Shady Rest Home for the old.

Repairs have been made on my hearing aid;

My pacemaker's been turned up on high.

My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled;

And I've bought a new wig and glass eye

.I'm feeling quite hearty, and I'm ready to party

I'm gonna dance `til dawn's early light.

It'll be lots of fun; But I just hope that there's one

Other person who can make it that night.

thanks Toni

----------------------------

-

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.



I'll leave you with this