353

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----

Catholic Shampoo
"Shopping in a local grocery store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine,

and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have a beer,

but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had an obviously surprised look, so the nun said,

'This is for washing our hair".

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter

and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer

'The curlers are on me.'"

stolen from Slavenka and Obi

----------------------

-

YIKES!!!

---

-

Those funny Animals

-------------------

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her Doctor.

The Doctor asked her all the usual questions...

what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.
Suddenly, she interrupted him,

"Hey look, I'm a Vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions.

I can tell what's wrong just by looking."

She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The Doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down,

quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work,

we'll have to have you put to sleep."

---------

thanks Geoff C

---

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

-----

Once upon a time, in a far-off land,

there was a kingdom in which the king was fond of history and ancient things.

He would collect historical objects,

dress in royal threads from bygone eras,

and generally try to live ancient traditions.

One day the king issued a royal proclamation,

as kings are wont to do now and then.

Of course, he wrote the proclamation in the language of two hundred years ago,

rich in antiquated spellings, obsolete words, now-defunct verb forms, etc.

The general population, of course,

could make neither head nor tail of the proclamation.

A vast legal muddle ensued.

The courts, called upon to untangle the mess,

pronounced a ruling that, henceforth,

all royal proclamations must be written in modern, currently accepted prose.

In other words,

"We can't have archaic and edict, too." --


-

---------------------

-----

Why do mice have such small balls?- - -

Not many mice know how to dance.



-----

SOMETHING AUSSIE

----------------

stolen from Hale@ it occurred to me



---


SUPER HERO'S

--------------------

Blast from the Past





----------------------

A Touching Story

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director

to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends,

so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery.
As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and,

being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone

and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down

and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car,

I heard one of the workers say,

"I never seen nothin' like that before

and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....


-------------------


Chinese Walmart

America may have the crazy customers

but not the crazy food

Crocodile

Bulk Rice

Take your pick Meat

Turtles

Could be anything... You guess??

Rib Cages

Assorted dry reptiles

Frogs

Duck on a rack

Pig faces

Meat Water

Powdered horse milk

thanks Liz Z

------


The boss had listened in sympathetic silence

as Matt went through the reasons why he needed,

and felt he deserved, a raise.

Then, with a compassionate smile,

the CEO patted the younger man on the shoulder.
“Yes, Matt,” he said kindly,

“I know you can’t get married on the salary I’m paying you…

and some day you’ll thank me for it.”

thanks Duke


------


Seniors

" Grandpa,why are you sitting there naked like that?"
"It was your grandmothers idea

Yesterday I sat here in the breeze without a shirt and got a stiff neck"

An elderly man goes to his doctor and says:

“Doc, I think I'm getting senile.

Several times lately, I’ve forgotten to zip up.”
“That's not senility,” replies the doctor:

“Senility is when you forget to zip down.”

Great truths about growing old
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional…

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get

.3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there

.4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair

that you once got from a roller coaster

.5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions…6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

-

poor choice of words

---------------------

Weather

A young man is being pursued by a young admiring woman.

Eventually, he has no choice but to grant her a private audience

Relentlessly she asks him for a quickie in the sack

though he tried hard to refuse her.

Finally giving in to her demands for carnal knowledge, he says

"Ok, but there is one condition:

I have a particular fetish that you must perform in order to sleep with me."

"I'll do anything for you" replies the succubus.

"Just name it."

So the man says to the woman,

"You know ... I really enjoy it when there's a sort of lightning effect.

So you must reach over to that switch on the wall

and flick it on and off every few seconds."

The woman agrees and starts flicking the light switch off with her left arm.

She then asks "Now can we have sex?"

"Not quite yet" replies the man.

"Lightning is nice, but it doesn't really mean much without thunder.

So with your right leg, I want you to open and close the cabinet door

whenever you flick the light on."

"Ok" says the horny young maid,

and she begins to coordinate her flicks and clacks.

"Now can we have sex" she asks as she is switching between arm and leg movements.

"Not quite yet" replies the man.

"This is all very nice, but there can't really be thunder and lightning without wind.

I'd like you to reach behind your head with your right hand

and open and shut the windows

."She says "Ok" and begins opening the shutter and closing it with her right hand.

And of course, it's raining and some drops are coming in the window

So there she is, making lightning with her left hand,

creating thunder with her right leg,

and using her right hand to make wind and rain.

Desperate and beyond understanding of his fetish,

the young woman finally begs him

"NOW can we have sex? PLEASE?!"

And the young man looks at her shocked and says,

"What do you mean 'have sex'?

In this weather?"



--------------------




PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

352

---

Moments

Moments from Everynone on Vimeo.

Prior to collaborating with Radiolab and NPR on “Words,”

filmmaking collective Everynone (Will Hoffman, Daniel Mercadante,

and Julius Metoyer III) crafted a short piece about moments.

-----

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern,

furiously imbibing shots of whiskey

. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing?

I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before.

What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies,

"My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp

."But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,

and then slurs

"Not anymore!... He is!"

--------

On this day in August 1969 Elvis Presley recorded this

--------

My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.

---------

Those Funny Animals

---------------------------------

--------------------

Our government in action!

A carrier pigeon stopped to rest on the window sill in the Pentagon building.

Close behind him came another pigeon who stopped off to talk

. “Where you going?’ asked the second pigeon.
“To section M to deliver an order,” answered the first.
“What’s the number of the order?”
“234XZY-Q78955-421YYTX,” replied the first.
“Better get a move on,” said the second.

“I got an order to rescind it.”

thanks Duke

----
Excavator Skills

---

------------------

A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines

that look like prayer mats.

Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.


--


SOMETHING AUSSIE

----------
“When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles

and lighten your burden,” a young woman said to her boyfriend.
“That's very kind of you, darling,” her boyfriend replied:

“but I don't have any worries or troubles.”
“Well, that's because we aren't married yet.”


--------------------

I want one!!




---------------

thanks Marj K

----

Why do elephants drink?- - -

(A little sadly) To forget.


--

Funny names for racehorses

Racetrack announcer Larry Collmus is forced to call Monmouth Park race

with two horses named “My Wife Knows Everything”

and “The Wife Doesn’t Know” in the lead.
-------


RELIGION

Tom's Surgery
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would

like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck

and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation

as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on,

“and every move caused him terrible pain.”

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation,

and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum,

and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed

and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined

the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice,

“thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time,

his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

One man stood up and walked slowly to the podium

.He said, “I’m Tom Smith.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum.'”


-------------------

Blast from the Past

----

thanks Liz and Allan

-----


For Celeste in Basel and Jim P in Washington DC




---------------


ALIENS

------------------------

---------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

-----

but I leave you with this




--------------

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.