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This is the last post for several days as I am off to Sydney/Melbourne for a few days
On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit...
Jack was already seated on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to Detroit; there's crazy people there.
They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs,
poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says.
Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business,
and enroll your kids in a nice private school.
It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.
What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser delivery truck
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Funny Bacon Ad
Thanks Chris and Jo
Wait for it, any second now!
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The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day
that he wasn't getting any respect.
The next day,he brought a small sign that read,
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch,
he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said,
CARTOONS.....Men
This was an enormous hit in Australia in 1965
Also in Europe, not too sure about the US
Nino Rossi.........IL Silenzio
Nino Rossi 1926-1994
Nino Rossi 1926-1994
Bonus
Bert Kaempfert........That Happy Feeling
Bert Kaempfert........That Happy Feeling
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How Dogs and Women are the Same:
Both look stupid in hats.
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.
How Dogs and Men are the Same:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood. (Huh? Is that a gay joke?)
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither does dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me ..
I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.
'Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
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How to tell if a catholic is speeding
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How to tell if a catholic is speeding
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He was in a rather beligerent mood,
and wanted to scare them into giving him extra taxes.
Unknown to him, they met in secret on the way,
Unknown to him, they met in secret on the way,
and decided that they should agree to pay the extra,
but they would at first pretend to refuse,
so they could try to bargain down the actual amount extra they would have to pay.
They arrived at the king’s castle, and gathered in the audence chamber.
They arrived at the king’s castle, and gathered in the audence chamber.
The king made his demands, and as agreed, they started to refuse.
Unfortunately, they hadn’t realised just how beligerent the king’s mood was:
Unfortunately, they hadn’t realised just how beligerent the king’s mood was:
as soon as they started to refuse, he got angry,
and ordered his guards to kill them on the spot.
More than half of them were slain before they even realised what was happening,
More than half of them were slain before they even realised what was happening,
and the others had to do some very quick grovelling to survive.
After everything had settled down, those who remained explained to the king their plan,
After everything had settled down, those who remained explained to the king their plan,
and the king was filled with remorse for his hasty actions.
The moral of the story?
Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.
stolen from Archies Archive
The moral of the story?
Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.
stolen from Archies Archive
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You know you're a Floridian if...
..Socks are only for bowling.
..You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
..A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
..Your winter coat is made of denim.
..You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
..You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
..Anything under 70 is chilly.
..You pass on the right and honk at the elderly, but pull over for a funeral.
..You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
..You could swim before you could read.
..You have to drive north to get to The South.
..You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
..Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
..You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark
..You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
..You dread lovebug season.
..You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances... but Charley , Frances , Ivan and Jeanne.
..You know what a snowbird is and you hate them.
..You know why flamingos are pink.
..You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
…You were twelve before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.
.."Down South" means Key West
.."Panhandling" means going to Pensacola
..You think no-one over 70 should be allowed to drive.
..Flip-flops are everyday wear.
..Shoes are for business meetings and church.
..No, wait, flip flops are good for church too, unless it's Easter or Christmas.
..Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
..An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
..You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida
..You measure distance in minutes.
..You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
..You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
..All the local festivals are named after a fruit.
..A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
.You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
..You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and February.
..It's not soda, cola, or pop. it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor, "What kinda coke you want?"
..Anything under 95 is just warm.
..You've hosted a hurricane party.
..You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.
..You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
..You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Ichnatucknee and Withlacoochee
..You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
..Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, Nascar and Go Gators.
..You were 5 before you realized they made houses without pools.
..You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
..You get angry when people say " Florida isn't really part of the SOUTH."
..You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
..You know what the "stingray shuffle" is, and why it's important!
..You recognize Miami-Dade as " Northern Cuba ".
.. It's a perfect 72 degrees outside, but you run the A/C just to keep mildew from growing on your shoes.
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Its time to post a few more Bear Pictures
pictures stolen from Dilidoo.com - in fun we trust!
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Seniors - don't mess with them!
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other,
'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by,
put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when,
sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked
"What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling ass-holes
."Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,
"You're doing well. Only two left."
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A new way to catch the train to the airport
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A new way to catch the train to the airport
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