49
Another weekend done and dusted with the Eagles winning and the Dockers back to normal
Looking forward to the Western Derby next weekend as these are always fiery games
Still getting some rainfall

Jessica the Hippo
This was sent by Peter Arthur [Queensland] to Glynis Geen who forwarded it on
Thanks Peter
If you ever wanted a hippo for a pet then here are a few tips

THEME PARTY
One weekend, there was a costume party at a mental hospital, and the theme of the party was "war".
The first patient comes up onto the stage and says, "I am an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I am a hydrogen bomb." Again, there is a round of applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody in the audience runs away hysterically.
When one of the mental patients was asked why they all ran away, he replied, "Didn't you see how short his fuse was?"
[Thanks Miss Cellania]

Some computer cartoons

Have posted this before, but its worth a repeat
RETIREMENT BONUS
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and non coms

and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement

a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line

between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured

from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter

and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,

when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

"From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,

explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him

providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie

and began to work back.

Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed,

"Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied,

"Vietnam."

------------

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English colonel.
They took him to their headquarters,

and the French general began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked,

“Why do you English officers all wear red coats?

Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?”
In his bland English way, the officer informed the general

that the reason English officers wear red coats is if they are shot

the blood won’t show, and the men they are leading won’t panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all Australian Army officers wear brown pants.

-------------

Two robins were sitting on a branch high in a tree.

One looked down and saw a field full of worms.

Turning to the second bird he said,

"We ought to go down there and eat."
"Good idea," said his friend.
The two of them flew down to the field and ate their fill and then some.

When he could eat no more one said to the other,

"You know, we ought to stop eating and fly back to our branch."
Rubbing his belly the second responded, "Yep."
With that they tried to fly to their branch in the tree,

but they had eaten too much to get off the ground.

The second one said, "Maybe we should just stay here and relax in the sun."

Before long the two birds slept, basking in the afternoon sun.
As they slept, a cat happened upon the field.

Seeing the birds, sleeping,

and since they were totally oblivious to his presence, the cat pounced.

As feathers settled around him, the cat rubbed his belly,

and said, "There is nothing better than baskin robbins."

Crank up your volume for this sixties classic

Do Wah Diddy "Manfred Mann"







A bear funny

Post a comment below

48
Its cold and wet here in the west [in Perth ] not so much in the regional areas
Heavy rain is forecast for tomorrow
Only 15 days before I head off to sunny North Queensland
Have a great weekend and hopefully your footy team wins
or whatever sport you follow



Some Aussie humour to kickstart your weekend
BEAUTY and the BLOKE




The Tides Out



I'm going to make an assumption here that the Australian girl Schapelle Corby
who was convicted on a drugs charge
in Bali in 2005 made it into the world news.
Briefly the then 28 year old Schapelle was convicted of
importing 4.1 kgs of cannabis into Indonesia in her surfboard bag,
she has steadfastly denied thischarge claiming
that baggage handlers at Sydney airport must have tamperedwith her board bag.
Despite these claims she was convicted and sentenced to 20 years in prison.
she is currently serving this sentence at the notorious Kertokakam Prison inBali.
She lost an appeal to have her sentence reduced or quashed in 2006,
this has led to the internet appearance of "CONVICTION" perfume.


[Borrowed from Holties House]




THE POWER OF MONEY


that reminds me, I must buy a lotto ticket

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,

understanding, economical,

and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.

How can you possibly not love the Irish?

These were actual "Personal Ads" in the Dublin News:

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area.

Seeks gorgeous sex addict who is interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man,

lately rejected by longtime fiance, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops

seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes . . . maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon,

seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes,

seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35,

seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed super model, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

-------------------

Two law partners hire a new cute young secretary,

and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first,

even though they're both already married.

Eventually one of them scores with her,

and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.
"So what did you think?" asks the partner.
"Ahh," replies the first lawyer,

"my wife is better."
Some time goes by,

and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary.

"So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?"
The second guy replies, "You're right."

-------------

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his soon-to-be ex-wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney,

"the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified.

"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued,

"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making

when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,

'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful

everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend.

Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.

He came back to the office contented and relieved.

His co-worker asked him how it went.

"Look," said George.

"Don't start such terrible rumors!

That guy isn't my best friend...I don't even know him."

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....

For centuries,

Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion,

but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married,

she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night,

the husband scratches off the dot to see whether

he has won a convenience store,

a service station,

a doughnut shop or a motel in Australia.

If nothing is there,

he must take a job in India answering telephones

Giving technical advice to either Telstra, Optus or Citibank.
[thanks Glynis Geen]

Roy Orbison "Leah"

Post a comment

Would like to hear from you

Take care

Phil

47

Weekend over and its back to work tomorrow

After two dismal weekends of footy the Eagles and the Dockers

found some form.

What a game from Ben Cousins and what a game by the Dockers

[maybe they should change their coach every week]

This is hilarious

Face Dance - video powered by Metacafe

Seniors

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy ,rainy day

The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted

her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband.

When the graveside service had no more than terminated,

there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied

by a distant lightining bolt and more thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmy said

"Well, she's there"

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,

he looked up and said,"Grandma,

how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.

I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring,

so he hurried to open the door,and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said,
"Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The Minister fainted [lifted from Miis Cellania]

-------------------------

Lost on a rainy night, a traveler stumbles across a monastery

and requests shelter there.
Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner,

and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by the two Brothers who were the monastery cooks.
"Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for such a wonderful dinner.

The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted.

Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be ...?"
.
.
.
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

---------------

During a recent publicity outing,

Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,

the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt:

Prepare yourself to be a widow.

Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face,

then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze,

steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"

CHINA .......... has its polltion problems as well

Guangzhou: Illegal motorbikes confiscated by police in an effort

to curb air pollution await destruction at a recycling company".

"Lanzhou, Gansu province:

A resident takes a water sample from the polluted Yellow river".

"Wuhan, Hebei province: A man collects dead fish in Donghu lake,

where officials say an estimated 30,000kg of fish have been killed

by a combination of pollution and hot weather".






ARE YOU MY DADDY?

The Oak Ridge Boys.....Elvira

Click on comments below

46

Thursday night here in the west

21mm of rain today.Fantastic and reports of it reaching the wheatbelt

Another interesting weekend of footy coming up

The Dockers have a new coach after Chris Connolly was pushed, sacked or resigned

and Ben Cousins looks set to play his first game after kicking his drug habit??

This post will have a MEN flavour so to start here is a funny banned commercial

Banned Comercial "Men in Toilet"

Cow protest

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS…
Which one would you rather have?
PARKINSONS of course!
Better to spill half your drink than forget where the heck you put it!

GOLF

More Golf

More pee-ing At the Tour de France

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question

and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.

The first Friday the question was,

"How many gallons of water is there in the whole world."

No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.

Next Friday, the question was,

"How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."

No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.

By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because

he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.

So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday

right before the teacher asked the question

he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her.

She said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?"

Little Johnny said,

"Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday."

MEN




"I know I'm really good in bed
because women always ask me

if there's any possible way

I could make it last longer. "

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone,

come in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely

. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age,

but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said.

"But, it has my husband pretty upset."

As long as I have legs to walk on you'll never have to

take out the garbage

I like to get to these things before I have to be asked

Even men Bears like creature comforts

Carn you blokes, I'll take you for a spin

"Getting Even"

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight.

Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.

He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said,

"OK, but don't forget to wash her because she stinks."

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me)

who wanted the dirty cat, Not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye-to-eye.

The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O',

and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,

with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,

who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office were full of people

waiting to see the Doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in

- he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,

"Your wife's pussy doesn't stink anymore

and it's finally clean and shaved,

so she now smells like a rose.

Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.

God only knows who the Father is!"

Then he closed the door.

That, my friends, is getting even.

The forever delightful Judith Durham

"Time and Again"

Iknow my good friend Madeleine will love this [Hi Madeleine]

The two most common elements in the universe

are hydrogen and stupidity

But not in that order