385

-

-

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in.

A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.

Bill Vaughan
-

-

-

Trevor’s New Year’s Eve party was an annual occurrence

with numerous guests arriving.

During the evening, a man knocked on the door,

was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was,

and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.

He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours

before a strange light dawned on his face

. ‘You know,’ he confided to Trevor,

‘I wasn’t even invited to this party.

I just came over to tell you that some of your guests’ cars are blocking my drive.’

He continued, ‘My wife’s been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved,

so that we can go out.’

-

-

New Year Cartoons

-

-

-

-

Boston .com has some great pictures of 2010

Warning.. some are a bit too graphic

2010 in photos (part 1 of 3)

-

parts 2 and 3 links at top of opening page


-

-



Last of the Xmas cartoons

-

-

Larry Griswold





-

-

Young lady

A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown on.

Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.

All night she noticed a young man, staring at her.

In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said,

"Oh, you like my airplane, huh?"

The young man smiled mischievously.

"No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing field."

-

-

Way to Go!!!!!

-

-

The Bear Wins




Those funny Animals

New Years Resolutions for Pets
1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
2. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
3. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
4. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
5. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak

does to us when no one is around.
6. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.
8. Always scoot before licking.
9. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry;

decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
10. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
11. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!

January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
12. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

-

-

A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet

when the phone in the kitchen rings.

“Hello,” says the man answering it.

“Hi,” says a high woman’s voice.

“This is Tiffany, thehousekeeper.”

“Oh,” says the man. “Hi Tiffany.”

“Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late.

I figured you’d be back later,

so I planned to leave a message.

You see, I had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom.”

“What sort of a problem?”

“Well, when I was trying to make your bed,

your envelope of emergency money,

you know, the one you keep under the matress, it fell out.”

“What’s the problem, Tiffany?”

“Well, I wasn’t sure just where to put it back,

so I justput it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?”

“Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate it.”

“Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room,

I found that diamond ring you’ve been missing.”

“That’s wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put it?”

“In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course.”

“And how did you lock it?”

“First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out

and tried the top to make sure it was locked,” says thehousekeeper,

revealing how well she remembered hisinstructions.

“Good! And where did you put the key?”

“In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good china.”

“Fantastic!” says the man, impressed.

“Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys

to the Porsche in that adorable little box.

I know your wife isgoing to be so surprised.”

“Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany.

You are really a great housekeeper.”

“Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night.”

“You too, Tiffany. Good night.”

The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy,

and says with a grin,

“This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!”

-

-

-

SOMETHING AUSSIE

Johnny O'Keefe

recorded May 7th 1960




-

-

Grizzlies are moving in

-

-

Happy New Year,Teddy Bears and the Blue Danube
The Blue Danube - animated Flash

http://www.jacquielawson.com/preview.asp?cont=1&hdn=0&pv=3148566&path=83554

Blast From The Past

Drafi

This was a big hit in Australia and Europe

Don't think it charted too well in the USA

It is sung here by Drafi in German [I think]

See if you recognise it



-

-

It was rush hour, and the city bus filled until the aisle

was jammed with standing commuters.

One woman, precariously balanced on spike heels, clung to a hand grip.

Suddenly the bus took a sharp corner,

flinging her across the laps of two seated male passengers.

There was silence and all eyes turned on the threesome.

Laughter erupted as the quick-witted woman righted herself and quipped,

"All these years I thought I was British, and now I find I'm a Laplander!"

-- Stan Kegel
-

-

Customer: "Excuse me. Why won't my debit card work on the pump?"

Owner: "Are you using an American card?"

Customer: "Yes."

Owner: "American cards don't work at the pump."

Customer: "You should put up a sign."

Owner: "We did, above the card slot."

Customer: "Oh. Well, I don't read Canadian."

--

BONUS

Ventures with Rick Derringer




-

-


"PHILS PHILOSOPHY"

but I leave you with a clip from one of my favourite musicals

-

-

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

384

-

-

no worries mate !

we'll go to the beach instead


-


-

-

-

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the

TV repairman couldn't concentrate on his work.

Whenever she came inside the room,

he'd jerk his neck right out of joint to look at her cleavage.

When he'd finished she paid him and said,

"I'm going to make a...... well...... unusual request.

But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on.

"Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about,

my husband is a kind, decent man and he has a certain physical weakness,

a certain disability, and now, I'm a woman and you're a man......"

The repairman could hardly speak when he said,

"Yes, yes!"

"And I've been wanting to do it ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes, yes!"

She continued,

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

-

-

-

-

UK Credit Crisis worsens

-

-

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them,

but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions.

Their company employed over two hundred people

and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed.

Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared,

the business failed and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy.

Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles,

and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee.

As he was discretely wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached.

Bill looked up and gasped.

"Moe!" he said, shaking his head.

"It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."

"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk.

"But at least I don't eat here!"

------


Those Funny Animals

-

-

SOMETHING AUSSIE

-

-

-

-




-

-

HOW DOES THIS WORK?????




-

-

A woman had a magic well.

She would put her pail on the edge of the well and clap her hands;

the well would dispense a measured amount of water into the pail.

The only problem was that the well would never give out the same amount of water.

This distressed the woman and she decided

that she would consult the neighborhood priest.

She showed the priest the problem,

and the priest decided the well was infected with some sort of malicious spirit.

The priest then proceeded to pray and bless the well with holy water.

He then instructed the woman to place the pail on the edge

of the well and to clap her hands.

This time the well filled the pail 1/4 full.

The priest then instructed the woman to place the pail a little

to the left of the previous spot and to clap her hands.

This time the pail was filled 1/2 full.

The priest then told the woman to move the pail just

a bit further to the left and to clap her hands.

This time the pail was filled to the brim and made the woman very happy.

Each day the woman enjoyed the pleasure of getting a full pail of water,

as long as she placed the pail in the same exact spot.

She thanked the priest every time she saw him.

One day the priest decided to take the bishop to the woman's home

to demonstrate the procedure.

After seeing the woman go through the steps

and the subsequent filling of the pail, the bishop remarked

, "I see you have trained her well."

-- Stan Kegel

-

Very Punny



-

-

-

-

Greek

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down,

he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.

He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him.

It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman,

"You're really hot!"

"You're pretty cute, too," she says to him.

"I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner -

what do you think about coming up to my place?"

"That sounds great!" the man eagerly replies

."Before we go up there, though," the woman says

, "I have to ask you one question Do you like doing it Greek style?"

"Well... uh... I'm not exactly sure what that is," the man answers,

"but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"

So the two of them walk over to her apartment.

As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes.

The man can't believe his eyes! She has an incredibly beautiful body.

"Now, you're sure," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Definitely!" the man replies

"All right, then," says the woman.

"Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."

"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims.

He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees.

The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.

Shekneels down in front of his head.

She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Yeah! Yeah, let's go!" says the man.

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits,

getting him in a lock hold

He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest.

One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts

."Mmmf, yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out

"OKAY, GEORGE! Come and get it!"

-

-

I heard that sports mad Jim F.. from Kalgoorlie is getting a team together
Taken from Scotland Here and Now
-

-

Blast from the Past

-

-

After the parties

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me

and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a medical TV show,

I have finally found inner peace.

A doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace

is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things

I'd started and hadn't finished and,

before leaving the house this morning,

I finished off a bottle of Merlot,

a bottle of chardonnay,

a bodle of Baileys,

a butle of vokda,

a pockige of Prunglies,

tha mainder of a bottel Prozic

and Valum priscriptins,

the res of the Chesescak

and a bax a shocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

-

-

-

-

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game,

Joe said to a fellow club member,

"I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore. He cheats."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."

"That's possible."

"Not when I had it in my pocket!"

-

-

A dying granny was talking to her grand daughter.

"I may die any moment, so I want you to inherit my farm

-- including the villa, the tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock.

"Wow!" said the granddaughter.

"Thanks, Granny, I didn't know you even had a farm and all this wealth!

Where is it??"

Grandma replies,

"On Facebook."

-

-


Banned Commercial



-

-

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea,

with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

"Well, how are we going to get across the sea?" asked Moses.

"We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us."

"Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across,"

said the General Of The Armies, "but there's not enough time --

the Egyptians are too close."

"Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across,"

said the Admiral Of The Navy, "but time is too short."

"Does anyone have a solution?" asked Moses.

Just then, his Public Relations man raised his hand.

"You!" said Moses, "You have a solution?"

"No," said the PR man,

"but I can promise you this:

If you can find a way out of this one,

I can get you two or three full pages in the Old Testament..."

-

-

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with

-

-


Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.