40

Its Tuesday evening already
It has stopped raining but more is forecast for the next couple of days
The West Coast Eagles got a towelling from the Saints on Sunday
and have now dropped to third on the ladder
I' m still sulking



Not sure if the TV show "Yes Minister" was shown in the States
but was very popular down under
Here is a funny excerpt from the series





THE IRISH
At a U2 concert in Ireland Bono asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence,
he says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence...
" Stop Fookin doing it then!"
----------------------
Patent
I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in
and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal info
and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said,
"Those are silly names for products
and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed
the form and left the office without
even telling her about my folding bucket.
-------------------


EARS

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own
and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the
apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open,
and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment;
she closed the door and leaned against it,
allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
"It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked,
"My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.
Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....
That was me."



I might have to get a set of these scales




Pickles

An old man turned 115 and

was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper.

During the interview the reporter noticed that

the yard was full of children of all ages playing together.

A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter,

keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.
"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns,"

the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" said the reporter.

"What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea?

Is she one of your children too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter.

"But she can't be more than 19 years old."
"Thass right," said the old man with pride.
"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115

and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Naw, sir, " said the old man.

"We have sex every night.

Every night two of my boys helps me on it,

and every morning six of my boys helps me off."
"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman.

"Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on,

but it takes six of them to take you off?"
"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist,

"I fights 'em."


Misplaced affection

Good Rock and Roll will live forever

Here it is

My all time John Fogerty favourite

"Bad Moon Arising"

39

Its Friday and the weekeend beckons

Raining quite heavily here in the west [Yeah] and more forecast

The Eagles play the Saints on Sunday

Need a pillow???

An Australian Aboriginal goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night
And finds himself a prostitute. He asks ,

"How much do you charge for da hour, sister?"

"$100," she replies.

He says "Okay, do you do Aboriginal style?"

She says "No!"

"I'll pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style?" he said
She again says "No" since she doesn't know what Aboriginal style is.

So he then offers her $300.
Again she declines his offer

. So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Aboriginal style With me!"

Finally, she agrees , thinking,
"Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now,
I've been there and I've done that:

had every kind of request from weirdos from every corner of the world,
How bad could Aboriginal Style be?''

So she goes ahead and has sex with him

- doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several intense hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
"That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much,
but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
Where does the 'Aboriginal style' come in?"

The Aboriginal replies "Send da bill to da Gub'ment"

Seeing its Friday Here are a few beer funnies

From the family album [Istarted early]

There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.

It suddenly had a malfunction and went down.

A few weeks later,

PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane.

They found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew.

They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the chief of the tribe

and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The chief says, "Yeah".

When asked where the crew was the chief replied,

"We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi."

The rescue crew was shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi".

After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added,

"Did you...you know... eat their.... things"?

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuers.

"NO", replied the chief,

"THINGS go better with COKE!"

-----------------

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day

and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,

so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some

particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,

"Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts

God ever created,

and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,

shakes it up,gargles,spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks,"What was that all about?

I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

She spits into a commode and she gets in!

Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,

"but even in Heaven,

a royal flushbeats a pair - no matter how big they are


Clancy Brothers The band played Waltzing Matilda

[An Australian classic]

38

I'm back

After missing in acton for a few days

Work has been very hectic these past weeks

Relax after a hard days work







UpSkirt - Just For Laughs - video powered by Metacafe


I'm glad Idon't live in the states with signs like this around

Still in the States

I have been to the USA a few times and this is not the norm from my observations

Not to worry I have my mate Captain Kangaroo to look after me

There was this haunted house on the outskirts

of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk -

the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided

to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera,

the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al.

He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph".

The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines

- he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room,

and began developing the photos.

Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So what's the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
---------------------

According to an article by Francis Baumli

in the May 1991 issue of Men's Health Newsletter,

testicles that disappear into the groin during sex

or extreme fright can be quite normal in some men

and are not necessarily a symptom of a hernia,

though the men affected may be considerably

worried about what is happening.

What happens is that the cremaster muscles,

one attached to each testicle,

pull the testicles up into the inguinal canal.

The article concludes with the paragraph:
Furthermore, according to physical anthropologists,

it's likely that Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon man

had a cremasteric reflex strong enough to

pull the testicles up into the body during fight or flight.

Even today, martial artists in some disciplines

practice raising their testicles until they can

voluntarily pull them up inside the inguinal canal where they are (supposedly) less likely to be injured during a fight or sparring match.

And I thought I had total control of my body when I learned to wiggle my ears


A couple of funny cartoons

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10-pound weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door

and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic,

19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes

and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing,

he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself

and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds, as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20- pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door

and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes

and a sign around her neck that reads:

"If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her.

When he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself

only to discover that he has lost another 20 pounds, as promised.

He decides to go for broke

and calls the company to order the 7-day/50-pound program.

"Are ! You sure?" asks the representative on the phone,

"This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely!" he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door;

and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7-foot tall man standing there,

wearing nothing but pink running shoes

and a sign around his neck that reads:

"I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're mine..."

The Amazing Johnny Cash

in one of his last performances

If you like Johnny Cash

You''ll love this

37

G'day All

Its the middle of the week and not much excitement

The newspapers and media in general is constantly full of election propaganda

The election is not due until at least November and already

its driving me around the twist

On a lighter note [caught where it hurts most]

Subject: Stanley and the President
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little
PR.

After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand
and George asks him his name.
Stanley," responds the little boy.

And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the US invade Iraq without the
support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more
votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage
when half of all Americans don't have
health insurance? "

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says,

"OK, where were we?

Oh, that's right,
question time.

Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand.

George points him out and asks him his name

"Little Johnnie" he responds.

And what is your question, Little Johnnie?


"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:

First, why did the US invade Iraq
without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al
Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage

when half of all Ameicans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

Only in America

a couple of animal funnies

For all of you who are having a bad day,

here is something to cheer you up...it's a crack up!

Next time you have a bad day at work...

Think of this guy.

Rob is acommercial saturation Diver for Global Divers in Western Australia.

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to a radio station in Perth,

who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work,

so I thought I would share my dilemma with you

to make you realise it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me,

I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.

I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial 'water heater'.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose,

which is taped to the side of the suit.

I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working,

is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden,

my arse started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my arse started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back,

but the damage was already done.

In agony I realised what had happened.

The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back,

the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.

However, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch,

Iwas actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my arse.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma

over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he,

along with five other divers,

were all in fits of hysterical laughter.

I was then instructed to make three

agonising in-water compression stops

totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach

the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface,

I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the Medic,

with tears of laughter running down his face,

handed me a tube of cream and

told me to rub it on my arse as soon

as I got into the chamber.

Yes the cream put the fire out,

but I couldn't poo for two days because my arse was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work,

think about how much worse it would be

if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bum.

Now repeat to yourself "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

Finally its done

Something I have been waiting for has finally happened

Igot the bathroom remodelled

This gives a whole new meaning to 'Going Online'

Bored on weekends?

Why not join a Peru bikers club

Good grief What next!!!!!

Judith Durham and the Seekers

"I am Australian" [love it]

Adam and Eve in Saudi Arabia

36

G'day All

The weeekend is almost over and Monday is looming again

Interesting results with the football over the weekend
The Eagles lost their third game away from home and in the process
lost their spot on the top of the ladder
Next week is mid season break so time to do something else
besides watch footy

Some funny commercials to start your week

Three friends had a good friend named Joe

and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist.

At every bad situation he would always say

''It could have been worse.''

His friends hated that quality about him,

so they came up with a story so horrible that

not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day,

only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear?

Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man,

shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse?

Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat

and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down,

gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.

He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.

So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy,

the frog was happy,

and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed

and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman

looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

A bit of fun with "crack " Cartoons

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,

and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar Backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said. ” I am a Father.”

The little boy replied. “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered.

“I am the Father of many.”

The boy said. “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren

and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!

The priest, getting impatient, said.

“I am the Father of hundreds”

and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a. while,

then leaned over and said.

“Maybe you should wear a condom

and your pants backwards instead of your collar.”


Don't know about you, but I thought these were amusing

Midnight Special CCR

Say no more




Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills

Making the last car payment

Click to enlarge