317

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Should have stayed in bed




thanks Liz Z
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In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady,

virgin and very proud of it

. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching,

and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies,

she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk)

to make proper 'final' arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the

following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully

. A few days after the funeral,

as the undertaker-postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone

that the lady had requested,

it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she

had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request,

considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone

.For days, he agonized over the dilemma.

But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up

with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved,

and it read as follows:
RETURNED UNOPENED

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Those funny animals

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At school, students are asked to write an essay with four required subjects:
1. Religion;
2. Celebrities;
3. Sexuality;
4. Mystery.
At night, the teacher corrects the copies when it falls on the shortest:

"- Oh my God, Britney Spears is pregnant again, I wonder who is the father?!"


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Kids

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BLAST from the PAST

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Making love

"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight."

"Okay, I will let you, but be gentle this time."

"But I am always gentle with you, Dearest."

"That's not true.

The last time, you woke me up twice!"


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A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert.

He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise,

he feels the need to stop and commune with nature.

He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sagebrush.

As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morn,

he notices a lever sticking out of the ground.

After a few moments, he walks over,

walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the lever.

Just as he does, he hears a voice say,

"Don't touch that lever."

The driver jumps about two feet off the ground,

and as he comes down, he looks around. No one is to be seen.

Thinking it was just his imagination, he again reaches for the lever.

Again the voice yells

, "I said don't touch that lever!

"Being more prepared

, the driver senses the location of the voice and looks down under a sage brush

.There he sees a small snake.

The driver, in much astonishment, said,

"Was that you that just spoke?

"The snake said, "Yes. I have to keep people from touching that lever.

If the lever is moved, it will be the end of the world."

The driver, still rather astonished, said,

"What is your name? And will you talk on TV?"

The snake said his name was Nate and that he wasn't interested in going on TV;

anyway, he had to stay and watch the lever to see that it wasn't moved.

The driver said, "Look, I will get the networks to send out camera crews.

That way, you can inform the entire world about the danger of the lever."

Nate thought that over

and allowed as how there was a great deal of sense to the idea.

The driver, true to his word, got the network camera crews out.

They put on broadcasts in which Nate warned the entire world

of the dangers of moving the lever

. A few weeks later, another truck driver was going through the area.

He was following an oil tanker, and the tanker sprang a leak.

When the driver's truck hit the slick, it went out of control,

and he found himself headed straight for the lever

.He remembered seeing Nate on the TV telling about the lever

and so he knew that if he hit it, he would cause the world to end.

He strove, with all his might to maneuver the truck.

Finally, at the last moment, he was able to swerve,

but he ran over Nate, the snake, and killed him flat.

The truck driver was heard to say

"Well, better Nate than lever."

--

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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh....
'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse.

I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,

revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.

Length and width, it couldn't have been any bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself,

the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure

. 'I am so sorry,' she said.

'I don't know what came over me.

On my honor as a nurse and a lady,

I promise it won't happen again.

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?

' 'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

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Religion

Time to change the window

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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