321

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Shipwrecked man
A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years.
Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon.
He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting,
until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship.
About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore
carrying a man in a captain's uniform.
"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero,
"I thought I was never going to be rescued."
"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain
."Ten years, ten long years" replies the man
."Ten years?" says the Captain
"How have you coped all that time on your own?"
"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house;
there it is, over there, Number 1!"
"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!"
"Ahhhh, well..... that's not quite true," says the man shyly
."What do you mean?" inquires the Captain
."Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet,
when I noticed an ostrich up the beach
with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me
. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years,
so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"
"Oh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain.
"Well, it was alright for the first five miles,
but then we got out of step."

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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks,
"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Kevin Rudd,
They're asking for a 10 million ransom.
Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."

thanks Gordon H


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Launching Ships




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Those Funny Animals

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BlondeSally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods

with a small package and a large birdcage.

She was gone several days but finally she returned.

Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking so sad

.Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days.

Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that.

But I went in the woods cause I needed something

there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls.

I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man?"

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man

is to have a good pair of hoo-ters."

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Two situations, and then see if you can answer the question.

(And don't blame me: I got this from a Canuck!)

Two patients limp into two different Canadian medical clinics

with the same complaint.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour,

is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment,

then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist,

then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month

and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.
Now, the Question:

Why the different treatment for the two patients?
Answer: The first is a Golden Retriever;

the second is a Senior Citizen

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Blast from the Past

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OOPS!!!

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One fine, sunny morning, a priest took a walk in the local forest.

He was walking by a small stream when,

sitting on a nearby toadstool, he noticed a sad, sad-looking frog.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day

is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest, "Can you explain?"

"Once upon a time I was an 11-year-old Choirboy at your very church.

I too was walking by this stream when I was confronted

by the wicked witch of the forest

. 'Let me pass!' I cried, but to no avail.

She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand,

turned me into the frog you now see before you."

"That's an incredible story!" said the priest

, "Is there no way of reversing the witch's spell?"

"Yes," said the frog,

"It is said that if a nice kind person would pick me up,

take me home, give me food and warmth and a good night's sleep,

I will wake up as a boy again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and forthwith picked up the frog

and took him home.

He gave him lots of food, placed him by the fire,

and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him.

Miracle of miracles!

For, when he awoke the next morn,

there was the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed.

And that, your Honour, is the case for the Defence.

stolen from Slavenka and Obi

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY





Israel Kamakawiwo'

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high

And the dreams that you dreamed of

Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow

Blue birds fly

And the dreams that you dreamed of

Dreams really do come true

Someday Ill wish upon a star

Wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where trouble melts like lemon drops

High above the chimney tops is where youll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

And the dreams that you dare to

, oh why, oh why cant I?

Well I see trees of green and Red roses too

,I'll watch then bloom for me and you

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white

And the brightness of day

I like the dark and I think to myselF

fWhat a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces of people passing by

I see friends shaking hands

Saying, How do you do?

Theyre really saying,

II love you

I hear babies cry and I watch them grow

,Theyll learn much more than

Well knowAnd I think to myself

What a wonderful world

Someday Ill wish upon a star

,Wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where trouble melts like ;emon drop

sHigh above the chimney tops is where youll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

And the dreams that you dare to,

oh why, oh why cant I?


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If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
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