329

Australia's brilliant political satire team of Clarke and Dawe

do a great job here in exposing the fundamental

and terrifying ridiculousness of the Euro debt-crisis

and the world's teetering economic state.

stolen from Slavenka and Obi

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The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights

being held in the area around Crowley,

and duly dispatched the infamous detective Boudreaux to investigate.

He reported to his sergeant the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began

."Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked

.Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight.

I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux intoned knowingly,

"Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant,

"And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

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Canadian Jeep ad




thanks Liz Z

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-


As I was trying to pack for vacation,
my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this,"
and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained,
I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said,
"Mommy gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again
.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"


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-

Those Funny Animals

-------------------------------

The Little finger

---------------------------

Two old, successful businessmen met at a resort

.One who had recently retired was describing his life:

“I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast ,

and then I lie down on my Veranda for a while and relax

.“In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish,

then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis

.“When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines

.“Then I smoke a Cuban cigar.Then I go lie on my Veranda again.”

The other gentleman acknowledges that this sure is a life to be envied

.Later he reported the conversation to his wife

.She asked: “What’s his wife’s name?“

Her husband said:

“I’m not sure, but I think it’s Veranda.”

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--

BLAST FROM THE PAST

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Vegetarian Humour

Q. What did one vegetarian spy say to the other vegetarian spy?

A. We have to stop meating like this

.Q. What do you call a vegetarian who goes back to eating meat?

A. Someone who lost their veg-inity

Q. Have you heard of the garlic diet?

A. You don't lose much weight, but from a distance, your friends think you look thinner

.Q. Why do people kill animals?

A. Fur convenience steak

.Q. How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. I don't know, but where do you get your protein

Q. What do you call a militant vegan?

A. Lactose intolerant.


------------------------------

Mrs. Smith had cooked a halfway decent meal one night,

and the old Smith had been goin' at it with gusto.

He was about halfway finished his meal when

he took a good long look at the potato

. He looked over at Mrs. Smith and said,

"This potato is bad."

Mrs. Smith picked it up, smacked it, and put it back on his plate...

then said,

"If that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

----------------

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed.

He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit,

even though he knew he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,

driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny,

so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area

, but the traffic camera flashed yet again

.He tried a fourth time with the same result.

The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed

as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail

for driving without a seat belt

.Men! And they say blondes are dumb.


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Ghandi 2





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Embrace Life



------



PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

328

-------

Simply the Best

Following a few requests

Here is our very own Judith Durham

Enjoy.... Joan , Jennifer and Madeleine

and all those other fans

Do yourself a favour and watch these

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---------------------

This one I did post a few weeks back

But it is too good to leave out

---------------------

The census taker knocked on Miss Gibson's door.

She answered all his questions except one.

She refused to tell him her age

. "But everybody tells their age to the census taker," the man said.

"Did Miss Mary Hill and Miss Patty Hill tell you their ages?"

"Certainly."

Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," the man wrote on his form.

--------------------

Those funny Animals

------------------------------

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital,

is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients,

"I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal.

Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies,

"Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering.

That's still a good field, good money there.

But on the other hand,

I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital,

what it's like to be a patient here.

People might be interested in reading a book like that.

In addition, I thought I might go back to college

and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says,

"Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies,

"And the best part is, in my spare time,

I can go on being a teapot."


---------------------------------

Kung Fu Bear

---------------------------

Calderón and Obama have a lot in common
"There was a big state dinner at the White House

last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón.

The Mexican president pointed out that he

and President Obama have a lot in common.

He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries

, they’re both left-handed,

and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people."

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Modern World

--------------------------------

Dentist

Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks

, and pretty soon had lured him into a series

of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly,

"Linda honey, we've got to stop seeing each other.

Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetheart, he's dumb as a post," she assured him.

"Besides, we've been having sex for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist

"but you're down to one tooth!"
---------------------------

Blast from the Past

------------------

You Know You're A True New Yorker:

* You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.

* You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available

.You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform

the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.

* It's not Manhattan; it's the "city".*

There is no north and south. It's "uptown" or "downtown."

If you're really from New York you have absolutely

no concept of where north and south are....

And east or west is "cross-town."

* You cross the street anywhere but on the corners

and you yell at cars for not respecting your right to do it

.* You move 3,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language

and people still know you're from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.

You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are

a "real" pizza and a "real" bagel

.* A 500 square foot apartment is large

.* You get ready to order dinner every night

and must choose from the major food groups which are:

Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian

.* Your internal clock is permanently set to know when

alternate side of the street parking regulations are in effect

.* Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.

* You pay "only" $230 a month to park your car.

-------------------

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City

and orders a beer.

(InGermany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.)

The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab:

"They don't serve BEERhere, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid,

but suddenly turns to the New Yorker

with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands

."Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

--------------------------------------

Your gonna miss me

This one is for Tracy Marie

--------------------------------

Once upon a time there were two mice,

who lived in a big museum\

. Everynight, when the place closed up tight,

they used to play among the exhibits.

They crawled through the dinosaur skeletons,

and they scampered over thepicture frames of the Monets and the Picassos,

and they shuffled around the relics taken from an Egyptian tomb.
One night, they were playing near a big, tall suit of armor.

They climbed in at the visor, but one of the mice slipped and fell --

tumbly-tumbly-kerplop --

all the way to the bottom of one leg.

He was lost

!He was disoriented!

He was frightened!
"Help!" he started to cry.

"Help me make it through the knight!

---------------------------------------



MEN

---------------------------------




Marriage

* Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge

.* Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute

.* Marriage is a rest period between romances

.* Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering

.* Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno

.* Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

* Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that

what they have is better than what they are missing

.* Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo..

.* Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot

.* Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in.

Those on the inside are trying to get out

.* Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings

.* Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter..

.* Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

* Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented

.* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before

.* Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license

.* Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy

.* Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person

your spouse would have really preferred

.* Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence

. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience

.* Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;

the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


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---------------------------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

--------------------------

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.