335

---

---------------

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,

returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late

.“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John

.“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,

knocking him completely out of his chair

.“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector,

now tell us where you really were after school.”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.” said Tommy

.“What did you watch?” asked Marsha

.“The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,

knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,

“I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

“I am ashamed of you son,” said John.

“When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack

that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,

“Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy.

After all, he is your son!”

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha

and knocked her out of her chair.

stolen from Miss Cellania

------------------------------------------

--------------------------------



----------------------------



Three friends decided to visit a prostitute.
It was a slow night,
So she gavethe guys a deal.
"You can pay $10 an inch."
When the first man came back out his friends ask,
"How much did she charge you?""$65 dollars," said the first.
The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $95.
The first two were proud of their prowess.
The third man goes in and returns,
"How much did she charge you?" ask the first two.
"20 dollars", he replied.
The first two start laughing hysterically.
"Hey guys," replied the third
, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out."

thanks Toni

---------
Clap your Hands
catchy tune [Claire L will like this]


stolen fom Vin Vin

-----------------------------

Those Funny Animals

--------------------

Document Sandwich





---------

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India ...
Dear Sunita Darling,
I can not send you my salary this month

because the global market crisis has
affected my Company's performance,

so I am sending 100 kisses.

You are my sweetheart, please adjust.
Your loving husband,
JITA SINGH

His wife replied..

.Thanks for the 100 kisses,

Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day

to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only,

so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me,

I still have a balance of 35 kisses

and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi

thanks Gordon H

--------------------------

For the young at heart

-----

The New York City subway car was packed.

It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.

One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said:

"Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing,

I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss --

That's just my pay check in my pocket," he said.
"Oh really!" she spat:

"Then you must have some job,

because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half-hour!"

----------------------------

At the Libary

-----------------------------------

Coors Beer Ad

------------------------------

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was,

and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,

everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.

Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened,

and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed too.

Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken

. She sent me back to the principal's office again.

He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest,

but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...



-----------------------


Some more Funny Signs

-------

Blast from the Past




----------------------------------

Shorties

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.

The question was "where do women mostly have curly hair"?

Apparently, it's Africa .

-

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.

It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer .

-

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod

after realising that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

-

George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."

-

My wife told me I was no longer romantic

so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night.

Problem was she's rubbish at snooker.

-

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Camberley

but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

-

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles

but at least they drive slowly past schools

-

A mate of mine has just told me he's sleeping with his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

thanks Liz Z

---------------------------

· Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
-----------------------------------
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet

he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller

to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

-----------

BONUS




------------------------


PHILS PHILOSOPHY

-----

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

But I leave you with this