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Cootamundra Wattle by John Williamson

Lyrics

Don't go lookin' through that old camphor box woman,

You know those old things only make you cry.

When you dream upon that little bunny rug

It makes you think that life has passed you by

There are days when you wish the world would stop woman,

But then you know some wounds would never heal

But when I browse the early pages of the children

It's then I know exactly how you feel

Hey it's July and the winter sun is shining

And the Cootamundra wattle is my friend

For all at once my childhood never left me

'Cause wattle blossoms bring it back again

It's Sunday and you should stop the worry woman

Come out here and sit down in the sun

Can't you hear the magpies in the distance?

Don't you feel the new day has begun?

Can't you hear the bees making honey woman,

In the spotted gums where the bellbirds ring?

You might grow old and bitter cause you missed it,

You know some people never hear such things

Hey it's July and the winter sun is shining

And the Cootamundra wattle is my friend

For all at once my childhood never left me

'Cause wattle blossoms bring it back again

Don't buy the daily papers any more woman,

Read all about what's going on in hell.

They don't care to tell the world of kindness

Good news never made a paper sell.

There's all the colours of the rainbow in the garden woman,

And symphonies of music in the sky.

Heaven's all around us if you're looking,

But how can you see it if you cry.

Hey it's July and the winter sun is shining

And the Cootamundra wattle is my friend

For all at once my childhood never left me

'Cause wattle blossoms bring it back again.
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my good friend Duke

sent me a number of pictures from a National Geographic selection

I have picked out a few I liked

And have added one of my own

Taken at Corrigin in the wheatbelt a couple of weeks back

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Give this bloke a medal

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Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times

and had seen some other anglers about,

so he decided to give his luck a try.

On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all

but noticed that another fisherman near him

that was scooping in one after another.

He had to know The Secret

."Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort

of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed

. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident

I found that human tonsil works very well."

Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, Joe returned to the lake,

tried a different bait and still had no luck.

Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish

."Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good.

I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought Joe.

It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal

. He left, willing to give the lake one more try

.On the third day, Joe still had no luck.

As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right

Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew.

"Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Mohel."

(Mohel = person who performs ritual Jewish circumcisions)

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stolen from Amy Oops

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cool painting

thanks Liz Z

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Those funny animals

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Lawyers

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case,

I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides.

The assistant district attorney asked such questions as:

Had I ever been mugged?

Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach, however.

"I see you are a teacher," he said.

"What do you teach?"
"English and theater," I responded.
"I guess I better watch my grammar,"

the defense attorney quipped.
"No," I shot back.

"You better watch your acting."
When the laughter in the courtroom died down,

I was excused from the case.


thanks Toni

Two Kinds of Lawyers

There are two kinds of lawyers:

those who know the law and those who know the judge.

Bad Reputation

Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name

People Drowning

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning,

and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

1st Lawyer:

You’re a fool!

2nd Lawyer:

You’re a damn fool!

Judge:

As the lawyers have now properly identified each other,

can we now proceed with the case?

TOP 10 REASONS WHY LAWYERS SHOULD REPLACE LAB RATS

10. There is an endless supply

9. Lab assistants don't get attached to them

8. It's more fun to shave and stick needles in lawyers

7. There are some things rats just won't do

6. It's fun to dispose of them when you're through

5. It's not "inhumane" treatment, when it comes to lawyers

4. No one cares when a lawyer squeals

3. We've seen what happens when they are allowed to breed freely

2. Lawyers belong in cages

And the #1 reason lawyers should replace lab rats-

-1. Animal rights activist don't care if you experiement on them

A defendant in a $5 million lawsuit was told his lawyer,

"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," answered the lawyer,

"but I'll be honest with you: it doesn't look that great for our side.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.

"Oh no!" said the lawyer.

"This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior.

A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.

He might even find you in contempt of court.

In fact, you should not even smile at the judge."

With the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,

"Thanks for the tip about the cigars."

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.

"But I did send them," said the defendant.

"What?! You did?"

"Yes, That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy: I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge

but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

thanks to Toni for the cartoons

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Censorship




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Telephone lineman

The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before,

and the next day he went to work not feeling too good.

He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers

out to repair the wire he dropped them.

He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them.

As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers,

a small boy who was standing there said

"My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers,

so he wouldn't have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them"

The lineman tied to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly.

About this time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail.

As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground.

Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it.

So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough

the little boy was still standing there.

He said,"My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers

so if he had lost one he wouldn't have to climb down".

This irritated the lineman,

but he ignored the boy and climbed back up the pole to finish his work.

He was no sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom,

so down he climbs from the pole and goes over to the bushes to take a leak.

As he was relieving himself he saw the little boy

watching him through the bushes.

He'd had it with this kid so he says to him

,"I'll bet your dad doesn't have two of these, does he?"

The boy replied,

"No, but his would make two of yours".


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Blasts from the past

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lol !!

stolen from Amy Oops

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FUNERALS

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Rustic Ron stared at the bellhop in disbelief.

"A hundred twenty five dollars for a girl?

That's ridiculous!

Why, in Tennessee I can get a girl to clean my house,

wash my clothes, cook my meals,

and sleep with me all night for four pork chops a day."

"Then what," said the bellhop, "are you doing in Chicago?"

"Buying pork chops in bulk."

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FOR A GOOD LAUGH......

This is for the over 50 generation:

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees,

all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures

and communicated with Facebook and Twitter

.I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook,

so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids

could communicate with me in the modern way.

I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter

with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree,

Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix

and something that sends every message to my cell phone

and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details

of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.

I am not ready to live like this.

I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday

because they say I get lost every now and then going over

to the grocery store or library.

I keep that in a box under my tool bench with

the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive

I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble

talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.

Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it,

and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board,

but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person

I had run into in a long time.

Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating".

You would think that she could be nicer.

It was like she could barely tolerate me.

She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.

Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now,

I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets

and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy,

the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank,

I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.

We have had them for 4 years,

but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once

and have run around digging under chair cushions

and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me.

They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.

You would think they could settle on something themselves

but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time

I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused,

but I never remember to take them in with me

.Now I toss it back to them.

When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?"

I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."

Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet.

I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

PSI know some of you are not over 50;

I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

thanks Don H

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

But I leave you with this






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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au

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